This is me.

My family and I just got home from watching The Greatest Showman, a movie about P. T. Barnum and how he started his circus business. It is a fantastic musical production that truly touched my heart, and sparked a question in my mind: Who am I? If I were to ask this question of the people in my life who love me, I know that their answers would bring a smile to my face and remind me of my character and strong heart. They would remind me of all that I have overcome in my life to get to where I am now, and who I am now. I know what other people think of me, but I don't know what I think of myself. I know that I judge myself too harshly, as most people do, and that I truly do love others more deeply than most people. I don't say this to gloat or show off that I'm a good person, but because it is something that I struggle with. It is hard to love people, because true love is deep, painful, and all-encompassing. Most people only have a handful of people that they love that much, which limits their possibility for pain from those people, but for some reason, I deeply love every single person in my life. When I love someone, I want to experience their life with them, and share my life with them in return. This sounds wonderful, right? To experience life with the people you love, sharing everything with them and knowing that you have people you can count on. Well, it is wonderful! But honestly it also comes with a lot of pain.

As most of you know, I have quite a bit of pain in my everyday life. I still grieve regularly for my aunt and uncle, even though it has been five years since they passed away. I have a migraine all day every day, with no relief other than sleep. I have generalized anxiety disorder, mostly because of the migraines but also just because of my body chemistry. Yet somehow, I'm happy with where my life is at right now. I don't fully understand why I am able to say this, because on paper my life kinda sucks. I am not capable of living this life on my own, and I am so grateful to have the amazing support system that I have. I have a wonderful family who support me in EVERYTHING I do, I have the best friends anybody could ever ask for, and I have a strong faith in God, but even these uplifting support systems can cause pain in my life. When my friends and family are suffering, from sickness, grief, social issues, financial troubles, you name it, I feel their suffering with them. I feel it almost as strongly as if their issues are mine. Honestly I kind of hate that part of myself, because it makes me feel selfish for making their pain my own. I am not them, so I have no right to feel their pain. I wish I could tone down my empathy, but I can't. I know that this is going to be a huge obstacle when I find my career, because I plan on using my empathy to fight for the end of others' pain. I have not decided yet how I will do this, but I know I will be working with children who are suffering from things that are out of their control. Whether that will be cancer, diseases, abusive households, a mental illness, or simply being bullied at school, I know this is where God is calling me to be. So, every hurting child I come across, I will feel their pain too. Sometimes I hate God for calling me to this life. Sometimes I wish that I was born into a different body, one that is healthy, with a mind of a researcher or inventor, someone who deals with facts and equations, not people's lives. Luckily though, these thoughts do not dominate my mind, because then I wouldn't be me.

I don't usually let people see me when I am in my worst pain, because I don't want them thinking that that is who I am. But unfortunately, it is who I am. It's only a part of who I am, but if I am going to accept myself just as I am, then this is part of it. This is me at one of the seven hospital treatments I've had in the past two years.

It has taken me a very long time to thank God for ANY of the pain that I experience. I still am not capable of thanking Him for all of it, but I am thankful for parts of it. I am thankful for my experiences being a patient in America's healthcare system, where I hope to work one day. I am thankful for the lessons that my migraines have taught me, and for who I am because of them. I still don't completely know who I am, but I know that I like me, and I thank God for making me who I am today; but I feel terrified of my future. I am afraid that I won't be happy in my job, wherever I end up. I am afraid that I will have a daughter or son who has migraines like mine. I am afraid that I will never have a family of my own, or that if I get one, I will not be able to appreciate and experience it in the way I want to because of my job or my health. Why am I telling the world these things? Well right now I don't really know. This post is mostly just me telling you my feelings, which is different from my other posts. I don't really have a verse to tie into it, and I haven't really given you any tools to help you with your own personal burdens, but I guess my hope for this post is just for you to know that you are not alone. Whether you are currently joyful, sorrowful, questioning, or wherever you're at in your life, you are human, and there are 7 billion people out there who understand where you're at. That can be daunting, thinking about being one of the total 7 billion people (and counting), but I truly believe that no two people are identical. Every person is unique and is beautiful for who they are. So, why not accept that? And love who you are, learn how to live your life to make YOU happy, and the rest of the people in your life will either support you or abandon you, but if they abandon you then they don't deserve you. You WILL find people who love you for EXACTLY who you are. Now, I'm not telling you that you're perfect and you should never change anything about yourself, but I am telling you to follow your heart in everything you do. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

There is a program at UC Davis that allows me to experience pediatric healthcare in Bolivia, and I feel like God is calling me there. It's a strange calling, because I don't think I am going to end up working in public health, so I don't completely understand the purpose of me going there. All I see is an opportunity to follow my heart and where God is leading me. I don't know if I will actually be able to go there, because the trip will cost upwards of $9000, of which I have very little of right now. I have student loans and some money in a savings account from my family members, but it is illogical to spend the rest of my college tuition savings on four weeks in a foreign country working with kids I will likely never see again, working in a country I do not plan to stay in, and doing an internship that does not count for my major. But my heart is calling out to me, and I wouldn't be me if I didn't at least try to listen to it.

But instead of focusing on the obstacles in my life, I try to focus on what is possible where I am now. I guess this is a large part of who I am, someone who does her very best with the life she's given. Today, I went out shopping with my mom and sisters all day. I was exhausted for most of it, but I knew they were worth spending my energy on, and I am so glad that I did, because we had a wonderful day. We tried on clothes and took silly pictures in the dressing room, and I will remember those silly moments when I am missing them at school in these next few months. This is who i am, someone who loves her family with all her heart.

This is me with my family this summer, at a family reunion when I had a fairly bad migraine, but I chose to go because I know my family is worth it, and I am so glad that I went to that too, because I will remember it for the rest of my life.

This silly, happy girl is the same as the exhausted, medicated, hospitalized one in the first picture. It was hard for me to realize this, but I am not one or the other, I am both. I am the weak, sick headache girl and the strong, stubborn Sanders woman my parents raised me to be. And honestly, I am pretty darn happy with who I am. Headaches did not ruin my life, even though sometimes it seems that way. I overcame the headaches, and instead of denying their existence, I accepted them into my life and learned how to live it the way I want. My life isn't perfect, but then again, whose is?

Like The Greatest Showman's song "This is Me" states,
"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down,
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me."

Love always,
Sierra

P.S. If you want to listen to the song, here is a link to my favorite version of it, an honest, live, heartwarming performance by Keala Settle: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLFEvHWD_NE

Accepting a Life with Chronic Migraines

July of 2017 was the four year marker for the start of my never ending migraine. Four years ago, July of 2013, I was on vacation with my family and got a headache that just didn't want to go away. I assumed I was dehydrated or tired or just annoyed of spending up to 14 hours a day in the car with my family on our cross country road trip, so I didn't think much of it. The weeks went on and it continued still. At that point, my daily pain was at about a 4/10 on the "pain scale" (ranging from 0-10, 0 being no pain and 10 being the worst pain imaginable). I went through three doctors in a few months trying to find the right person for the job of diagnosing my pain. Finally, I found a neurologist who was willing to try everything to figure out what was wrong with me, but by the time I found her, my pain was up to an average of 5/10. She never gave up on me, even when every test she did came back normal, from simple blood tests and medication trials to a lumbar puncture that put me in the hospital overnight. I was starting to think the pain was all in my head... (haha look i made a pun!)
In December of 2014, that doctor sent me to the experts at the UCSF Headache Center, where I talked for two hours about every test we ever did and every medication we ever tried. By this time, my daily pain was at a 6 or 7 out of 10. I knew I couldn't keep going to school, and was considering going on independent study because I barely went as it was. I probably went to two and a half school days a week for the second half of junior year and first half of senior year.

Before the UCSF doctor, I didn't have an answer for the pain. I had a long list of things that I didn't have, but I didn't know the one thing that I did have. After respectfully listening to me for two hours, my doctor told me that I had migraines. I nearly cried at the answer to my prayers, and the next thing she told us was that I would probably benefit from getting a treatment in the hospital. This was pretty scary for my mom and me, but I was ready to put a stop to the pain. I was hoping this would be the thing to cure me of my pain. I had the treatment in January of 2015, and took that month and part of February off of school in order to recover. I spent 5 days in the hospital getting an infusion of the medication through an IV every 8 hours. It was exhausting, painful, boring, and mentally/emotionally draining. It took a month for me to get my strength back, but by the time I recovered, my pain level had decreased! I was down to an average of a 5 or 6 out of 10, which made school, friends, and fun manageable. I was able to graduate from high school with honors and a GPA of 3.7, and even get into my dream school of UC Davis! I had another hospital treatment before I started college, which got me through Fall Quarter and half of Winter Quarter. By the end of Winter Quarter, my average daily pain was at an 8/10. Some days, I was able to go to class, study, and spend a little time with friends. But other days, I had a 9/10 and I could barely get out of bed, let alone bike to class and study for my finals. I ended up getting C's and B's in my classes, which was a drastic change from my straight A's of Fall Quarter. I was disappointed in myself and heartbroken because I knew I wasn't going to be able to do another quarter like that. So, I had to take Spring Quarter off of school. I had an emergency admission to the hospital for the treatment, and instead of having my first week of Spring Quarter (April of 2016) on campus with my best friends, I was in the hospital. The hardest thing about this decision was the 6 months that came afterwards of having little to no contact with my new Davis family. Even though I had a lot of fun times with my family during those 6 months, and I did have visits with my Davis friends, I knew I wasn't where God wanted me to be. I know that God knew I needed the time to heal and rest, but I also knew that Davis was where my heart now belonged.

Also during this time, I fell far from God. I couldn't see Him, and I couldn't understand why He would allow me to go through so much pain. I tried so hard to find Him, but I think I was too angry with Him to truly look. But finally I made it back to Davis and got to start my life again. It was my sophomore year of college, and I was determined to make it the full year. I planned a hospital treatment during my finals week of Fall Quarter so I would have enough resting time afterwards before Winter Quarter, and hopefully I would make it all the way through Spring Quarter. Sophomore year was not an easy one for me. For most of it, I still felt out of place even though I knew I was in the right place. I wasn't close with God, and I didn't know how to fix it. So instead, I fixed everything else that i could. I threw myself into my friendships and schoolwork, and got all A's and B's that year. But I was still angry with God. I couldn't just accept that he would allow me to be in so much pain every day. For the whole year, my pain was an average of 7/10. I had a few days where it was a 5/10, but also days where it was a 9.5/10. I haven't had a day with 0/10 since July of 2013. I was burnt out. I was tired of fighting, but I knew that if I stopped fighting, my life would fall apart. I would fail my classes, drop out of Davis, and have to move back home. So, I kept fighting. Also during this time, in December of 2016, I started seeing the adult doctor at the UCSF headache center. This doctor could continue my hospital treatments and also start a new treatment, Botox injections, in November of 2016. Unfortunately, it would take 9-12 months (3-4 treatments, given every 3 months) before the treatment would kick in, if it was even going to work. Somehow, during Spring Quarter, I realized that I couldn't fight on my own anymore. I started talking to God more and really searching for him in my everyday life. I looked for the good in the pain, and tried to let Him fight my battles for me. Also during Spring Quarter, I took a heavier course load, which was scary. I expected at least one C. Instead, I got straight A's. I also felt more connected to my Catalyst church family, even though I barely went to the Thursday night services and only went to church about twice a month. This summer, my goal was to find God again and continue on my path upwards.

It's no coincidence that my daily pain level didn't get better until I fixed my relationship with God. The second I decided to stop fighting and let God fight my battles for me, my pain eased up. During August, I had two days where I had a pain level of 3/10 that lasted for half of the day. Unfortunately, a few days later, it was back to an 8/10, but I was and am ecstatic for those days of 3/10. I honestly forgot what it's like to not be in pain. Because I have been in pain for four years now, I have an ever stronger pain tolerance. I get shots in my head that I used to almost pass out because of the pain, but now I just squeeze my mom's hand and grit my teeth, and the pain goes away after the shots are over. As of 3 months ago, I have gotten a set of shots in my head every month. The botox is 31 injections, and for the two months in between botox treatments, I get four shots in my head (a greater occipital nerve block) and another treatment of lidocaine in the middle of my head through catheters in my nose (a sphenopalatine ganglion nerve block). While my daily pain is still a 6/10, this is extremely manageable for me. My life the past two months has been so much fuller because of this and because of my strengthened relationship with God. While I am thrilled that my pain is trending downward, I am also terrified. I am scared of getting attached to this lower pain level, then that it will start getting worse again. Honestly, that would break my heart. It's strange because even though I'm not afraid of pain because I experience it every day, I am also terrified of it. I am afraid of it controlling my life and dragging me down and away from God again. I am afraid of it blinding me and keeping me from where God wants me to be. I am also afraid of my fear controlling my life. But through the fear, I hear God telling me "to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.'" Isaiah 35:4

You're probably wondering why I am repeating my whole story for you, and this is why... Looking back, I see that instead of this pain making me hate God and tearing me from His side, it has actually strengthened my relationship with Him. It has also given me more confidence and allowed me to form deep connections with those in my life. Also, as soon as I turned to God and gave up fighting the pain all on my own, my pain eased, even though it only lasted two days. For those of you with chronic pain, you know how amazing and rare two good days in a row are. They are the light in the dark, your hope for a better future.

My new goal for this quarter is to be able to release my fears and give them to God. I know that my family, friends, and Catalyst family in Christ are here for me, but I have this tendency of dealing with things on my own and keeping the burden all on me. Even though I know God says that if I give him my burdens, I will get rest in return, and my burden will be light, I am afraid to relinquish what little control I have. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest... For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30.

I want to take this time to thank each and every one of you who prays for me and keeps me in your hearts and minds. I want to thank my family and friends for being there for me through the good times and the bad. Words cannot describe how much I appreciate you. I thank God for you every day.

Love always,

Sierra

To Sit with God

This verse is the philosophy behind my blog:

"But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do." Psalms 73:28

I started this blog to tell people about God's love through telling them how He has revealed himself to me in my life. In order to do this, I need to see God in my life. About a year and a half ago, my doctor told me that my chronic migraines are likely never going to go away. Ever since that day, I have struggled to see God. I realize now that. at that doctor's appointment, I put up the walls to my heart and have rarely opened them since then. I have closed myself off from God, my grief, my love for my friends and family, and my dreams. I haven't stopped loving God or my friends and family. I haven't been depressed, even when I'm grieving. I have been using the skills my therapist has taught me to process my emotions without giving myself more physical or emotional pain. But I've been doing everything on my own. I rarely even went to friends or family for help or guidance, and I stopped going to God. I was going through the motions of my life without really living it. I still am, actually. The difference now, though, is that I'm aware I'm on the wrong path. Now I just need to find the right one.

This 2017-2018 school year, I am the leader of the greeting team for my college fellowship group, Catalyst. The greeting team is a group of volunteers who are a part of Catalyst and want to help other people get connected to a community of love and faith. My goal is that the greeting team and I will be able to show God's love and bring Him to everyone who walks through the doors for Catalyst events, whether it be a taco party or a worship night. One of the books we are reading this summer to prepare for this task is called Sit, Walk, Stand: The Process of Christian Maturity by Watchman Nee. It studies the Epistle of Paul to the Ephesians, in which Paul discusses the path of Christianity, one that is only possible through Jesus Christ. Paul reminds us of the incredible sacrifice that God and Jesus made so that we can sit with Him. WE HAVE NOT EARNED IT. "For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated wus with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:6 The first chapter of Watchman Nee's book is about this specific grace of God, that allows us to sit with Him. I love to sit. I sit and watch movies, sit and talk with friends, sit and eat, sit in class, sit and knit, so on and so forth... but through reading this book, I learned that I have never sat with God. According to Paul, we receive God's love and guidance while we are sitting with God. This means that we don't fight the world, we sit with God, putting all our faith, trust, and weight into Him, and let Him fight it. I've been pushing God aside and fighting the world on my own. In particular, I've been fighting my migraines on my own. I keep track of my medicine, go to every appointment, get a hospital treatment every 3-6 months, and manage the anxiety that comes along with all of that. At the same time, I am going to school, doing homework, spending time with friends and family, and trying to figure out what I want for my future.

This verse is who I have been for the past few years:

"Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant- I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you." Psalms 73:21-22

I've been living my life all by myself for a few years now, but it hasn't satisfied me. I always feel like something is missing. I go to church, pray to God, read my bible, and spend time with God, so I told myself it wasn't God I was missing, because I have Him. He is always with me, ever since I accepted Him into my heart. But I haven't been letting Him guide me. I've been making the decisions and He has been following me. I have been thinking I know better than God does. Which is completely ridiculous, I know, but it's also a very human thought. I think it's something that we all struggle with, and don't like admitting to. I don't yet know exactly how I can fix my life, because I am not doing the planning. I'm trying to sit on God's lap and let Him tell me what to do next.

This verse is who I want to be:

"My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalms 73:26

The only way I can reach this goal is by letting go of my control and letting God take over. To quote Watchman Nee, "God is waiting til you CEASE TO DO". (Sit, Walk, Stand pg. 11) 

Love always,

Sierra

Cope Ahead

So here I am again, at UCSF hospital getting DHE for the fourth time. The doctors know me, and I know the drill. I keep thinking that it will get a little easier every time I come here, but it's just gotten harder. I think it's because I always walk in the doors hopeful that it will be the last time I ever have to go through it again. This time is different, though. This time I know it won't be my last admission for DHE. I know this is not my "cure-all." It is just what lets me live my life the way I want to. If it wasn't for this, I would stay home and go to MJC, if any school at all, possibly taking one or two classes per semester. I would have higher pain levels, less energy, and effectually, less motivation. Because I am spending this week in the hospital, I will not only be able to make it to Davis, but I will be able to enjoy myself while I'm there too. Part of our new treatment plan is "coping ahead" by planning DHE treatments ahead of time, instead of after I start to worsen, so we are already preparing for another admission in December. I am praying that this plan helps me finish out a whole year of college strong and proud.
For most of July, I was in Australia and New Zealand. I know right?! AMAZING opportunity! My grandparents took my mom, dad, sisters, and myself on the trip, and we had a blast! I felt so blessed to be there. When you think about it, traveling is not the easiest thing for a person with a chronic illness to do. Often times, it seems impossible. When I was on the trip, my experience was impaired slightly, but it was also enhanced for the same reasons. Of the 21 days that we were gone, I only missed 3 of them because of my migraines. I also missed a few excursions here and there, but nothing major. I experienced the best parts of the trip right along with everyone else, which was a big deal for me. Here are some photos of my favorite moments:

Yes, I got to hold a koala AND feed kangaroos and wallabies!!! Told ya, an AMAZING experience. However, my intention is not to brag about this spectacular trip, but to prove that people with chronic illnesses can have some fun just like others! Of course, every illness has its own set of limitations, but with some ingenuity, perseverance, courage, and motivation, anything is possible! And the only reason why anything is possible is because of God. I am so grateful to God for giving me this trip. It was something to look forward to, an awesome experience to distract from an otherwise uneventful and painful 6 months, and stockpiles of memories for days like today, when the life I imagine for myself seems impossible. You, too can accomplish a better life for yourself. No matter your struggles, obstacles, or fears, God will be there with you every step of the way.
"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:19
Love always,
Sierra

The Power of a Voice

Two months ago, I lost my voice. Not my literal voice that occurs when I use the breath from my lungs to rub my vocal chords together, but my metaphorical voice. My will, my motivation, my fight, my strength. This was the first time since the death of my aunt and uncle that I have felt nothing. Usually, I'm full of feelings, good and bad, 24/7. It's actually pretty annoying to constantly have a feeling and opinion about everything, but that's just who I am. When I don't have any feelings at all, I feel numb, frozen in time, just watching everybody's lives go on without me. For some people, this is an often occurrence. For me, this only happens when I am consumed with grief. Many times over the past few weeks, I opened up my blog and clicked the "new post" button, fully intending to write something, but the words just didn't come. They couldn't come. For me to put words on the page is for me to express my feelings, but how could I express something that I didn't have? I wasn't just a writer having writer's block, waiting for inspiration. I was waiting for God. During this time, I didn't even have the motivation to look up and see God. When He was right in front of me, I looked right through Him, and didn't see Him at all. When all His efforts to reach out to me through my eyes, my body, and my mind failed, He came to me elsewhere. He came to me through movies, music, TV shows, facebook, etc., even though most of it wasn't even about God. Most importantly, He came to me through other people: my family, friends, strangers on the street, and even animals! I physically left my Davis community, but I never really left. The community came home with me. I had constant updates on my friends' lives, and was always reminded that I was missed. I was not forgotten. My family extended me every ounce of patience and grace they had in their bodies as I laid on the couch waiting for the energy to do something, anything. It took time and perspective for me to see that God has never left my life, even though it seemed like He did for a while there.
So now we get to where I am now. I feel things now, I just don't know what exactly it is that I'm feeling. I can identify some of the thoughts that have been running through my mind, and I know how those individual thoughts make me feel, but I don't know how I feel overall. I am fed up with medicines and all the drama that goes along with them. I am determined to enjoy myself this summer, on my family trip to Australia and next quarter in Davis at my apartment, and to make up for lost time. I am desperate for a change in my pattern of having good months after the hospital, then crashing, going to the hospital again, having bad months, then having good months and starting all over again. I am disappointed for everything I missed out on, not only these past two months, but since my headaches started 3 years ago. I am empowered by my new lower pain level and my higher energy level. For the past two to three weeks, I have actually had the energy to do things! I've spent time with friends here in Modesto, visited my friends in Davis, gone to Starbucks, boba, shopping, etc. with my mom and sisters, been horseback riding with my dad... all with less pain than I have had in a long time. My pain has daily been at a 6 or a 7 out of 10 for a good amount of the day, which for me is acceptable. I've had moments where the pain has been even lower, but also moments where it has been higher. I've talked to my current doctor, changed my medications, seen a new doctor, and plan on seeing yet another specialist. Two weeks ago, I saw the UCSF neurosurgeon because of some new research I had found. When I had an MRI two years ago, I had a small cyst in my brain. I was told it was harmless and extremely common, which is true about 90% of the time. However, I found some studies that showed that cysts in the pineal region of your brain, which is where my cyst still is, can cause headaches if they are in the right spot, of a certain size, etc. So, I asked to see the neurosurgeon. Long story short, mine is probably still harmless. A small part of me wonders though, if I'm one of those few cases where "harmless" causes harm. Unfortunately, that's a story I don't have the answers to yet.
Based on the opinion of the neurosurgeon, my neurologist, my parents, and myself, I have a new treatment plan, one that uses DHE to prevent the high pain levels, not just treat them. I will schedule admissions to the hospital months in advance, and get the treatment no matter how I am feeling at that point in time. If I am feeling good, I will still be admitted, because the "feeling good" will not last on its own. I have given up the hope that it will last on its own. This is not something I have decided on easily, though. This is the grief I felt, that caused me to lose my voice. I was, and still am, grieving the hope that I held onto that one day soon I would be free of my daily pain. It sounds ominous and depressing to say it like this, but it turns out that holding onto that hope actually caused me more pain and suffering than letting it go has. I haven't given up hope that eventually I will be pain free, but I have realized that it's not going to happen anytime soon, and it certainly isn't going to happen without some serious treatment plans. So for now, I am scheduling DHE every 3-5 months. I plan to go back to the UCSF hospital for the DHE treatment in August, so that by September I will be able to go back to UC Davis, where I belong. I also hope to take my finals early for the fall quarter, and return again to the hospital in December, so that I can rest up for Winter and Spring quarters the next year. I hadn't thought this far in advance yet, but I will probably repeat this plan next year, possibly the year after that and the year after that. This is the plan that I will stick to until there is a drastic change in my daily well being. I hope that this plan will lead to steadily decreasing pain and increasing energy. I hope that eventually this will be a good thing, even though it doesn't feel like a good thing. Through all that has happened and that will happen, I feel trapped. I feel trapped in my own body, in a life that I would never have imagined for myself, but instead of cowering, I am pushing the boundaries. I am still going after my dreams, doing my best to stay on God's plan for my life, and I am constantly thanking Him for the blessings I DO have.
I have learned many things about life in the past few years, but the most important lesson I have learned, and probably will ever learn, is this: God is ALWAYS with you. No matter your background, environment, personal feelings, beliefs, trials, or blessings, He is right there with you. He is by your side, whether you see Him or not. He is speaking in your ear whether you hear Him or not. He is embracing you whether you feel Him or not. He has infinite love for you, and He will NEVER give up on you, so don't give up on Him. Don't give up on yourself. It's okay to drag your feet from time to time, but don't permanently give in to the world, because the world is not your permanent home. God is your permanent home.
"May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ."
Romans 15:5-6
Love always,
Sierra

The Road to Recovery

First of all, thank you to each and every one of you who thought of me, prayed for me, contacted me, sent me words of wisdom, or just sent your love my way while I was in the hospital or this past week while I've been recovering. It means so much to me that so many of you are praying and caring about me...
Sometimes I wonder if I'm imagining the pain, or at least the intensity of it. I've found that these moments occur when the pain is less. I think there's something wrong with that process though. The minute my pain decreases, I doubt myself instead of enjoying the time. I start wondering when the pain will return and what I could possibly do to stop it. Sometimes I even wonder if the moment will last forever, and the pain will be permanently subsided. Now if these moments of daydreaming only happened once every few times the pain lessened, that would be okay. But I go through this thinking process every single time. I wonder if me living life carefree for a short period of time will cause others to wonder if I'm faking it too. But why does it matter what they think? Why do I need people to believe the pain I'm in? I've gotten past the point in my life where I need others' approval to behave a certain way or do what I want to, so why should my migraines change that about me? Why should I let them change my personality in a negative way when they already have control of my entire body? Your personality-your mind, thoughts, actions, behaviors, and choices-is the one thing that you have complete control over. You can choose who you want to be. Nothing can change that, not bullies, financial situations, your significant other, or even an all consuming disease. Nothing can change who you are unless you let it.
This is something I'm struggling with this week. In this case, I mean struggling as in actively fighting the urge to give in to the pain and exhaustion from being in the hospital. I haven't posted with an update as to my condition since I was in the hospital because I am still not sure how I feel about needing to accept my condition and what it has done to my life. I've been struggling with a high pain level in the afternoons to evenings, a little nausea here and there, and a very weak body. At first, I could barely brush my hair without my arms being sore afterwards, but now I'm working up to bigger things like doing my laundry or baking for fun. I've even been able to pleasure read a little bit! Luckily, so far I am succeeding in staying positive and keeping myself distracted when necessary. Actually I'm keeping myself distracted 24/7. I'm not sure if this is good for me or not, but it is how I am coping right now. When a situation is fixed and out of your control, it is useless to try to change the outside factors. At that point, the only leeway you have is within yourself. You can only control how you choose to react to the situation. In my case, I've chosen to accept that I am recovering from being in the hospital and that I will have no control over how fast I recover or even how far my recovery takes me, so my job is to keep my mental state content. This week, I have had little strength to work with, and it is gone by 2 PM. At 2:00, I am stuck on the couch for the rest of the day. So, I do as much as I reasonably can before 2:00. I have a nice breakfast, take a shower, get dressed and ready for the day, then I have a project or two to do for the day. Usually, I clean up the kitchen and then work on unpacking my college belongings. This gives me a sense of accomplishment for the day, no matter how small, so that at 8 PM, when I'm ready for bed, I don't feel like I wasted the entire day on the couch binge watching Gossip Girl and Supernatural.
When you are dealing with an impossible situation, it is important to take time and take care of your well being. Being proud of your accomplishments of the day, no matter how big or small, can be the difference between a good day and a bad one. We have to learn how to work with what we're given instead of waiting for more to appear.
"That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:10
Love always,
Sierra
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A New Beginning

It's cheesy, I know, but I'm really starting to get the feeling that these next six months are going to be a new beginning for me. I think it starts now, with my acceptance of everything in my life as it currently is, good and bad. I'm still working on it, but I need to accept that I have done everything in my power to get better, and I will continue doing this. I need to learn how to put my own ambitions aside and follow God's plan for me, even if I can't see it all yet. I need to understand that I will never fully understand the reasons why my life is as it is, because I am not God. I am human, an imperfection. I need to stop striving for perfection because I will never reach it. All of these selfish ambitions and prideful actions will only lead me further from God, no matter how good my intentions are. I have every intention of actively following God and His plan, but oftentimes I find myself far from God's direction, and I realize that yet again, I have ignored His help and proceeded forward on my own. The times when I come to this realization are times like right now, when I am lying completely defenseless and broken in spirit and body. I am afraid. I am scared that in these next few weeks when I'm recovering I will forget about God and internalize all of my feelings, and end up in depression. Usually when I am recovering, I have some sort of goal or thing I am striving for, like going back to school or getting ready for college. I don't know how to handle the open-ended question that lies ahead of me. I don't have school again until September, and I don't have a job. I can't even think of a hobby that I want to get back to.
Here I am again, talking about my goals and my aspirations when I should be focusing on the here and now, resting and healing, listening to God's voice to see where He guides me. This is something each and every one of us does way too often, worry about the future. Worrying gets you nowhere. It leaves you anxious, fearful, quick to judge, and vulnerable to worldly forces. Of course, it is impossible to just stop worrying altogether, because again, we are human, imperfections. We are going to worry now and then, and that's okay. God doesn't expect us to be perfect. He just expects us to try our best, which includes learning when it is appropriate to worry and when it is time to give it up to God. Now unfortunately, there is no "magic moment" where you hear God's voice booming from the heavens reminding you that your suffering is not in vain. (I kinda wish there was though, it would make our jobs much easier.) I know a little bit about suffering, but Jesus knows everything about suffering. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice, one that we just celebrated yesterday. This year, Easter reminded me that God and Jesus understand and empathize with suffering, so He would not let us suffer if it wasn't absolutely necessary for our souls. Again, this is difficult to understand, but it falls under the category of faith. Faith is believing in something without proof, knowledge, or full understanding of it. That's the beauty of faith.
I was admitted into the hospital today. So far I have gotten one dose of DHE through an IV, and I will get a second one hopefully within the hour. I haven't started to feel the side effects yet, so I'm mostly just tired. I want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you that reads my blog, sends me positive notes of encouragement, and/or prays for me. My heart has swelled in the past few days with the realization that I have an army praying for me and supporting me. I am truly not alone in this fight. I have my friends, family, strangers, and most of all, God. If you do or don't have an army or even one person praying for you and caring about you as you are suffering, I would like to pray for you and support you as you do for me.
"Many are saying of me, 'God will not deliver him.' But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side."
Psalm 3:2-6
Love always,
Sierra
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