Cope Ahead

So here I am again, at UCSF hospital getting DHE for the fourth time. The doctors know me, and I know the drill. I keep thinking that it will get a little easier every time I come here, but it's just gotten harder. I think it's because I always walk in the doors hopeful that it will be the last time I ever have to go through it again. This time is different, though. This time I know it won't be my last admission for DHE. I know this is not my "cure-all." It is just what lets me live my life the way I want to. If it wasn't for this, I would stay home and go to MJC, if any school at all, possibly taking one or two classes per semester. I would have higher pain levels, less energy, and effectually, less motivation. Because I am spending this week in the hospital, I will not only be able to make it to Davis, but I will be able to enjoy myself while I'm there too. Part of our new treatment plan is "coping ahead" by planning DHE treatments ahead of time, instead of after I start to worsen, so we are already preparing for another admission in December. I am praying that this plan helps me finish out a whole year of college strong and proud.
For most of July, I was in Australia and New Zealand. I know right?! AMAZING opportunity! My grandparents took my mom, dad, sisters, and myself on the trip, and we had a blast! I felt so blessed to be there. When you think about it, traveling is not the easiest thing for a person with a chronic illness to do. Often times, it seems impossible. When I was on the trip, my experience was impaired slightly, but it was also enhanced for the same reasons. Of the 21 days that we were gone, I only missed 3 of them because of my migraines. I also missed a few excursions here and there, but nothing major. I experienced the best parts of the trip right along with everyone else, which was a big deal for me. Here are some photos of my favorite moments:

Yes, I got to hold a koala AND feed kangaroos and wallabies!!! Told ya, an AMAZING experience. However, my intention is not to brag about this spectacular trip, but to prove that people with chronic illnesses can have some fun just like others! Of course, every illness has its own set of limitations, but with some ingenuity, perseverance, courage, and motivation, anything is possible! And the only reason why anything is possible is because of God. I am so grateful to God for giving me this trip. It was something to look forward to, an awesome experience to distract from an otherwise uneventful and painful 6 months, and stockpiles of memories for days like today, when the life I imagine for myself seems impossible. You, too can accomplish a better life for yourself. No matter your struggles, obstacles, or fears, God will be there with you every step of the way.
"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:19
Love always,
Sierra

Disappointment

Of all the emotions you can feel, I think I hate disappointment the most. I don't know if this is a universal thing or just a me thing, but I really can't stand disappointment. It doesn't matter if it's me feeling the disappointment or someone I love feeling it. It just all around sucks. I've been feeling a lot of disappointment for the past couple months. No matter what I do, it never seems to make a difference. I try my best and work as hard as I can, and yet still I end up feeling disappointed. I'm not disappointed in myself, because I have done every single thing to the best of my abilities, but I am disappointed in the situation surrounding me.
This past quarter, Winter Quarter, at UC Davis has been one of the hardest time periods of my life. In case you didn't know, college is hard. Like, really hard. No matter how much work you put in, what grades you get, what classes you take, it's just all around difficult in the first place. When you factor in forming new friendships, learning to live independently, and personal issues, college seems downright impossible, yet people graduate all the time. How do they do it? Well, I'm not totally sure, but I'll make sure to tell you when I figure it out. So far, my college career has included the need for persistence, dedication, compassion, patience, tons of energy, hard work, and an encompassingly (that's probably not a real word but oh well) healthy lifestyle. I have to think about literally every step of every process and how it could possibly affect me in the long run, because when I act without thinking, I end up in searing pain. Until now, I have not accepted that this is my life. I told myself that this won't last forever, and I just need to wait it out, but I've been coming to realize that my pain is not going to magically go away. I don't just have headaches. I don't just have migraines. I don't even just have chronic migraines. I have a disease. I have a disease where my body attacks itself every chance it gets, and there is no cure for it. Right now, I barely even have treatments for the symptoms. I like to have the mindset that I am "just a normal college student", but that's not the case. I'm not normal in the slightest. I am extremely abnormal. Luckily, I've never had the goal of being "normal" in the sense of style, personality, and lifestyle, so I'm halfway there to accepting my abnormality, but I still have to learn how to accept that I am not able to have a normal, carefree, experimental, crazy college experience. I'm going to have to take the long road to graduation, from having a lighter course load to graduating after over four years of schooling. I'm going to have to pay more, do less, and be realistic about my life goals.
As to my current lifestyle, it's going to change quite a bit in the next six months. I have had a constant pain level of an 8/10 or higher every day for the past month and a half. I failed my finals in two of my classes, and got my first ever C, in my two favorite classes, no less. I have never had a final grade lower than a B- ever. Seriously, never. Once when I was in fifth grade, I had a D on a progress report, but by the time the final grades came out, I had an A. I considered a C or lower to be failing. Now, I have to change that thought because I know that I did not fail. In fact, I succeeded in my Winter Quarter. I passed the two hardest classes I have ever taken while I was having the consistently worst pain I have ever experienced. Because this pain is still here, I am going to "fail" yet again. I'm going to do something that I have previously considered a failure. I have to take a quarter off of school. Clearly, this is not something I want to do, but something I have to do. On Monday 3/28, instead of going back to Davis for my Spring Quarter, I will get an emergency admission into the UCSF hospital. I'm going to get the same treatment that I've gotten twice before, the DHE infusion. This is the big change in my life. Going to the hospital for DHE is mentally, emotionally, physically, completely exhausting. It takes a full month for me to recover and be back to normal and up to six weeks for the medicine to make my pain less intense. Because college is so hard, missing even two weeks of school would be too much to come back from, so I have to take this Spring Quarter off. There is a program that allows any student to take any one quarter off while they attend UC Davis, so logistically it is a relatively stress-free solution. So here's where my disappointment comes in: I'm leaving my new life. I LOVE my life in Davis. I love my community and my school. It has become my home, and my friends have become my family. I know that my friends feel the same way, but a small part of me worries that by me not being there for a large chunk of time, they will forget about me or lose interest in being my friend. I also worry about being behind in my classes and my "plan" for my life. All in all, the situation is very disappointing. I was looking forward to my classes, fun outings with my friends, and engaging in my social life again (since last quarter, I was kind of a hermit).
Even with my disappointment, I have to be okay with the situation because if I'm not, then it will be even harder for me to stay happy through this difficult time. Staying happy will keep my stress, anxiety, and therefore pain and nausea levels down, which will allow the DHE to do its job correctly. This is something that I have learned from my doctors and therapists, and I have been practicing it for years, but it is still one of the hardest parts of my migraines. I'm sharing this with you because I am still struggling with this process, and God told me that it will be better if I share my experiences. I would also appreciate your prayers in this difficult time.
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28
Love always,
Sierra

Not Your Usual Update

It has come to my attention that I have not updated everyone on who I am and who is in my life at college. Also, it has been way too long since I've posted on here anyways, so here goes! As most of you know, I'm studying at UC Davis for at least the next four years of my life. Isn't that crazy? I'm in college. I'm living on my own, looking for a job, studying, and planning my own life. Since I was a little girl, I've wanted to be an adult and be in charge of my own life, and now that it is here and happening, I can't believe it. I keep waiting to wake up from my dream and still be at home in high school with the same friends, same situations, and same responsibilities. Every time I go home, I forget just how real Davis is. Davis is my life now, and home (Modesto) is my vacation from my life. That is a HUGE transition, especially when I've never even transitioned into a new house before. I've lived in the same town, same neighborhood, same house, even the same bedroom, for the my entire life. Now, all of a sudden, everything has changed. (Anybody else get the Taylor Swift song popped up in your head from me saying "everything has changed"?) This is the first major change to happen in my life that I am happy about. When I think of the things that have changed my life in the past, what comes to mind is: the newfound "freedom" of high school, losing old friends and gaining better ones, Freshman year to graduating, and then I think of my aunt's unexpected death, my uncle's passing, my headaches, doctors, hospital trips, and then that becomes all I can think of. The bad overshadows the good. I don't want that to happen with Davis. I want Davis to be the place where the good shines through the bad, or even better, there is good without bad. So, I've been avoiding some truths in my life. I've been keeping my sad feelings quiet and suppressed, thinking that they would go away on their own. (Which is completely silly, because I know that suppressing feelings only makes them worse, so you'd think I'd know better.) First of all, you need to be informed of what is in my life and who is in my life. I have an AMAZING group of friends here. I am not dating anybody, but I have met more incredible, godly men and women than I ever knew there were in this world. I always thought I was weird for my strong foundation of faith and how I try to live it through every aspect of my life, but every single person in my new church group is striving to let God live through their lives as well. Of course, none of us is perfect, but the important part is that we're trying. This is the first time in my life that my very best friends, that I get to see every single day, are also a part of my church group. The best thing about this is that when I need someone to talk to, I can go to any one of them, and they will be there for me as well as remind me that God is here with me too. Sometimes, when life gets crazy, I'm too focused on what is happening right in front of me. I forget to let go and let God. My ego gets the best of me, and I try to do it on my own. My counselor has an acronym for "EGO" that I can really identify with: Edge God Out. When our ego gets bigger, God's voice gets smaller, and you start to edge God out of your life. This happens to me way way way too often. I try to juggle everything in my life as is, all on my own, without asking God what He wants me to do or what I am even able to do. When organization, preparedness, and patience are the most important things you can do to manage your life as they are for me, the more I listen to my ego, the less organized, prepared, and patient I am with life. Not only do we (me and others like me) lose patience with life, but we lose patience with God, and then start blaming Him for our own mistakes. Even though my time here at Davis has been wonderful, I have had too big of an ego for most of it. I've been trying to put up a front that I am always happy, bubbly, energetic, patient, and kind. Deep down, I knew that this isn't possible for anyone, let alone me, yet I continued to pretend. When my close friends asked me how my day was going, it was almost always "good, how about you?" no matter what my day was actually like. Because I have a constant reminder that life isn't perfect, it is easy for me to think about myself that I am always sad or unhappy because I am always in pain, but just as I am not always happy, I am not always sad either. In fact, the majority of my time at college has been spent in bliss. Yes, I have lots of homework. Yes, I have to study for multiple hours every single day. Yes, I still end up procrastinating way too much on Netflix. Yes, I am still constantly in pain. When I have a bad headache, I find myself repeating these negative statements over and over in my head, but these are just half of the truth. I actually enjoy doing my homework. I love learning more about my subjects and expanding my skills. I like studying because I am studying MY topics: math, science, and currently, psychology. I am still constantly in pain, but I am in less pain than I was in before. When the intense pain subsides, the full truths come out and I feel better about myself. This can be applied to everybody's life. When you find yourself feeling sad or depressed, take a note of the negative thoughts that are swirling around in your mind, and later when you are out of your slump, return to those thoughts. I can promise you that most every single one of them will only be half of the truth. That's what Satan uses to trick us. He tells us things that we know are true, but he only tells us half of the truth so that it seems worse than it really is. (Don't worry, I'm not saying your negative thoughts are Satan in your head. They're just what Satan wants for you, and because we are human, we have these bad thoughts all on our own.) But, because we also have God, if you give Him the chance, the full truths will start revealing themselves to you. You will see God's hand working in your life. You will see Him in the little moments of happiness you get from the sun shining and in the relationships that build up your confidence and sense of belonging. This is because God is in every single aspect of your life, and He is just waiting for you to notice Him. God is with every single one of us, whether we believe in Him or not. The difference between believers and non believers is that Christians have God in their heart, not just in their lives. That is the ideal life on earth, one lived hand in hand with God.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."
James 1:2-5
Love always,
Sierra
P.S. ^^I think I've found my new favorite verses.^^

Patience is Key

Soooooo I finished my first quarter of college!!! And I was successful in it, academically, socially, emotionally, physically... in every way possible, I feel that I was successful. There are lots of reasons that I was successful this quarter, the most important of these are God's perfect plan and my wonderful family. I have slightly adjusted my definition of family in the past few months, from blood relatives to anybody important in my life. I have discovered that God provides family to those who ask for it, even if it is not in the way you expect. My family has greatly expanded, and consequently so has my faith. Going into college, I was preparing myself for a multitude of times where my faith, character, and values would be tested. Well, it turns out that I was tested, but not in the way I expected. I anticipated temptation to participate in illicit activities that would threaten my health, personality, and possibly even my future, because that's what college is about, right? Testing the limits, making mistakes, and learning from them? So far, this has been proven to be true, but it has happened in the best possible way. Instead of experiencing temptation to go out and party with the wrong crowd, I was tempted to stay out all night line dancing, drinking boba, and playing card games. I tested my physical limits by staying out later than I ever have before, and I tested my social/mental/emotional limits by placing myself in situations that I knew I was slightly uncomfortable in, but that I also knew would strengthen my confidence. Because I tested my limits in these ways, I have built strong foundations for friendships, strengthened my body, and had incredibly fun times along the way. I entered college a fragile little girl who was still recovering from being in the hospital, and even though I've only made it through a third of this year, I am already stronger and smarter than I have ever been.
Yesterday, I visited my doctor at UCSF for the first time in six months. The appointment was very enlightening. I was reminded how serious and permanent my condition is. This is the first appointment that I have had where I forgot about the severity of the impact of my disease, and that is a victory in itself. That is proof that my treatments are working; even though my body is not healing, my mind is healing. For the majority of my past appointments in UCSF, I have left disappointed, spending the first 20-30 minutes of the 3 hour car ride home sobbing because I was not given any new answers. Even though this appointment was not all that different from any others, I did not cry on my way home. Instead, I made plans to spend some time with my aunt and little cousin, and rocked out to some throwback One Direction music with my mom. We even went shopping! Why is this relevant to you, you may ask? Because the little things you do to help yourself manage your pain do make a difference in the end. This was the first time that I did not have to consciously choose to think positively after a fairly negative experience. I have been working on training my brain to focus on the positive and not the negative, and until recently, it has been a conscious decision to turn from the negative thoughts and towards the positive ones. For the majority of this quarter, my brain had a tendency towards the positive thoughts. That is why this past quarter was so successful for me, because all of my hard work with my DBT therapist has paid off. (DBT is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). DBT is part of my prescribed treatment plan, and it involves an active relationship with my therapist. My sessions with my therapist are not the usual kinds of therapy, where I lay on a couch and tell her every thought I've had in the past week. My therapist and I have discussions about how I consciously and subconsciously respond to the pain. I learn proven techniques to think positively as well as the chemistry behind how my brain functions in relation to the pain.)
Every time I stopped myself from thinking about how much my head hurt and instead focused on any positive thing, big or small, I trained my brain that positive is good and negative is bad. You'd think that that would be obvious, right? Clearly it is not obvious to the migraine brain, though, because so often depression, anxiety, and other real problems are developed because of chronic migraines. This is why patience is key, because pain is a very serious thing, no matter what kind of pain it is. Pain can be debilitating in multiple areas of your life, and often times, it is impossible to defeat on your own. It is also impossible to simply stop pain. You cannot throw it away, choose not to feel it, or decide that is is unimportant. Unfortunately, it takes patience to deal with pain, and I have learned that I am not very good at patience. I think this is one of the things that God is going to teach me through this trial. God is teaching me patience. True patience shows faith in God, even though it may seem like a simple "worldly" task. Developing relationships, preparing for exams, even waiting in line requires patience, and therefore faith. Faith that sooner or later, what you're waiting for WILL come. Faith that it is worth your patience. Faith it is God's will. Faith that it is worth it.
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31
Love always,
Sierra

The Start of Something New

So apparently I'm starting to use a recurring theme of referencing a weird obsession of mine... First country music, then Spirit, and now High School Musical. I guess it does go along with my previous references to other cheesy feel good things like Hallmark movies, since High School Musical is a cheesy blast from the past, especially with "The Start of Something New" being the first song of the movie series. I like cheesy movies, lyrics, stories, etc. because they always have a predictably happy ending. Life, however, is never predictable and seems to rarely have happy endings, so I guess I like the cheesy things because they show me a glimpse of what life would look like if everything ended nicely wrapped up in a happily ever after ending. Movies end with life-changing discoveries... the guy gets the girl, mother and daughter are on good terms again, and the evil ones are vanquished. Life also ends with a discovery, but unlike movies, the best memories in life are made during the times of discovering, not the actual discovery.
Today, I started a photo album on facebook to record my first year of college, and I titled it "UC Davis: Year One". As I was choosing pictures for and editing the album, it hit me that I'm going to be at Davis for four more years. It already feels like a lifetime that I've spent there, but it's only been six weeks. I've only been a part of my church group, Catalyst, for five weeks. Coming home this weekend, I'm having this odd feeling that I just dreamt about the past five weeks, and that I am coming to the end of my dream. In reality, my dream is just beginning. I'm at the start of something new: something awe-inspiringly, life-changingly, wonderfully new. It's amazing how just a change in perspective can change a person's whole outlook on life. Instead of bracing myself for the end of this season of life, I can be fully present in the moments, taking pleasure in the small things as well as the large things that I encounter. I encourage you to look at your life as the start of something new instead of the end of something old, because life does not end happily. Life ends with pain and loss. So, when we think about endings in our life, we expect pain and loss to come from them. Instead of seeing the ends, see the beginnings, because life begins with pure joy. When we are first brought into the world, there is a party in Heaven, because another child of God is born. On the wall of my bedroom, I have a patchwork that my grandma made for me when I was just a baby that simply says, "God danced the day you were born", and every time I look at that, I am reminded of the joy that life is meant to bring us. Too often, we are caught up in the pain and suffering of life and forget to see the joy in it. Every day is a chance to see the start of something new.
"He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making all things new! Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"
Revelation 21:5
Love always,
Sierra

God is Great, Dorms Are Good, and People Are Crazy

Anyone get the reference? The title of this blog is inspired by a country song, the lyrics of which are "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy." For some reason, this song has been playing over and over in my head today. Don't worry, the main parts I agree with are that God is great and people are crazy ;P
For most of my life, I've been told that college tends to be the best years of your life, so I've been expecting amazingness for 18 years now. Surprisingly, my expectations are being succeeded! I can already feel myself growing in ways I never could even begin to imagine, and it is all thanks to God. God hand picked each and every person that is in my life. That's crazy to think about, isn't it? And it's true for every single person on earth! God has created the most intricate, beautiful, perfect puzzle ever! Unfortunately, a bad dog has come and chewed up some of the puzzle pieces. This is an example of my personal belief that God does not give us something unless good will come from it. One thing I forgot to mention in my last post is that sometimes, there are situations that are just plain terrible, and nothing good will come from them. I believe that God doesn't create those situations, only Satan does. Satan is the bad dog that tries to ruin the puzzle just because the pieces taste good. Since God gives us free will, He cannot just replace the disfigured pieces. Instead, He offers to reshape the pieces and make the puzzle whole once again. This brings us to the end of my puzzle analogy since puzzle pieces don't have choices of their own, but we do. We have the choice to follow God. That is my favorite part about Christianity, that it is a choice. On Earth, people can be forced into "faith," but they don't have true faith, and God can see that. God can also see those who don't have what we humans consider as "faith." The human meaning of faith is not the true meaning of faith. Someone might not practice religion or even express their opinions on it during their lifetime, but in their hearts, they accepted God. I believe that God sees these people's hearts and offers heaven to them. This is why God is great. Because He does not SEE you, He KNOWS you.

In the dorms, when you are living with people you barely know, you actually get to know them fairly quickly. For the most part, you can figure out who's who and who you might want to be a part of your life. These first impressions are from what we see, and while I consider myself a good judge of character, (sorry for the moment of cockiness) I have been wrong about people more times than I care to admit. God is never wrong, though. He doesn't make mistakes. I can't even fathom that perfection! People are so imperfect that even our idea of perfection isn't perfect! (Wow that's a confusing sentence.) Get ready for more confusion! While people are imperfect, we are also perfect, because we are God's creation, and He never makes mistakes. Now to the point of the confusing perfection talk: accept that you're perfect just the way you are, and you will be accepting faith in God. It's that simple. You don't need to understand what you believe in. Heck, I have no clue what exactly I believe in! There are so many parts about faith that I doubt, but I choose to put those doubts aside and take it in faith. Faith is believing in something in spite of every fact pointing the opposite direction, every person being against you, and you not believing in yourself. Set all these things aside, accept that you're perfect, and accept God. I can promise you that you will never regret it. 

"For we live by faith, not by sight... For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, so that each of us might receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."

2 Corinthians 5:7,10

Love always,

Sierra

A God-Filled Life

So you know how you have those moments where all of a sudden, you're completely aware of God's presence? You feel him in the people next to you, in the music, and He even fills in the nooks and crannies! In that moment, you hear God's voice in your head telling you, "This is where you are meant to be. This moment. These people. These experiences. You are my perfect child, following my perfect plan." Your heart beams with happiness and love, and you breathe in the Holy Spirit. Since I have arrived at UC Davis, God has blessed me with these moments of awakening every single day, and that is how I know that I am where I am meant to be. The exhaustion, pain, stress, and worry are all worth it, because for the first time in years, happiness is overflowing in my life. I'm not saying that I have been unhappy for the past three years, but I did not see my life as the blessing it truly is. When pain is a daily part of your life, it takes a lot of effort to look past it and see the good things. I have found that when I am busy doing things I choose to do, I am happy, whether I am choosing to do church, school, hang outs with friends, etc. If I am choosing to spend my energy on it, I am determined to enjoy it. Part of the struggle of high school was that it was forced on me. I had no choice but to spend six hours of my day at school (on the days I could make it to school at least). Since I am stubborn and always find little ways to do everything my own way, I "rebelled" against the forced six hours of school by choosing to do AP classes. Looking back, I see that my main motivation for AP classes was God. He told me to push myself because He knew I could succeed, and now I have. Okay so I'm about to say something really cheesy that I hated hearing, but now I see that it is true. Ready? Here goes: there is a point to your suffering. Good will come of it. It SUCKS to suffer, but you truly will become a better person because of it. I feel like I can tell you this now because I'm not done with my suffering, so I'm in the same boat you are. The only difference is that I have arrived at the point in my life where I am starting to see the good things that can and will come from my headaches. College really does change you. For the first time ever, I am in charge of my own life, and there are lots of things that I could do with that. I expected myself to take charge the second I got the chance, but I felt myself holding back. I was in a holding pattern until I found my new community. Coming to Davis, I knew I wanted to start off early with a church group. I planned on trying a different youth group every night of the first week, but then all of a sudden it was Friday and I hadn't been to one. So, I told myself that I was going to go to church on Sunday, whatever church I could get to. The thing was that I needed a ride to church, so I literally typed "UC Davis rides to church" into Google, and once I vetted the website, emailed them for a ride. It worked out perfectly, and I knew the second I sat in the car that I was where I was meant to be. I saw God in the people, felt the Holy Spirit in the church, and felt the love and open arms of the congregation. Every single time I have been with the people of the youth group, I have felt God with us. I have felt God more in the past three weeks alone than I have in the past three months. This is why I can give you cheesy advice, because God has proven it to be true. God has proven to me that my pain will continue bringing good into my life. I can tell you firsthand that God will prove it to you as well. Your pain will bring good. The pain will still be pain, and it will still suck, but God will also still be with you every step of the way. All He needs you to do is accept His help. Literally, he is just waiting for you to accept him. That is ALL you need to do. He will do the rest. And I can promise you that it will be worth it.
"If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."
Romans 10:9
Love always,
Sierra

Please Set Goals

Well, contrary to my own belief as well as popular belief, it is possible to get yourself out of a rut. For most of the summer actually, I have been biding my time waiting for better opportunities to come along, from a lower pain level to going away to college. Unfortunately, biding my time was not as enjoyable as I expected it to be, so after a few months of it, my body as well as my mind was stuck in a rut routine of doing nothing. Thankfully though, God is on my side, so I am slowly building up my strength to be ready to go to UC Davis in a few weeks! 15 days until move in day, to be exact. It's amazing how some sort of goal can really change your perspective on the present. My goal is to be ready physically, mentally, and emotionally to go to Davis. Davis has been my goal for the past two years, and now that I am finally merely days from achieving it, I am acquiring some new goals. Even though it sounds kind of crazy to be making new goals before achieving my current ones, it keeps me on top of my game. I'm sure not all people are like me, but everybody has that one thing that makes them tick, keeps them motivated even in the slowest, most boring times of their lives. Hopefully, this past summer will have been my slowest, most boring time of my life because that means that I am at least going to enjoy my next few months! However, even if you aren't as keen on setting goals for yourself, it is still a smart thing to do. Having set goals, if they are positively realistic, will give you motivation for the important things in life. I'm not saying that you need to sit down with a pen and legal pad and write down your goals for life, love, happiness, houses, etc., or even make any kind of record of your goals, but I am merely suggesting that you record your goal in your mind. Right about now, I'm sure some of you are wondering why you should take life advice from an eighteen year old girl with migraines, and frankly, I'm wondering that myself. Logically, I don't know why God wants me to keep this blog, because I have not even lived through half of my lifespan, yet I am giving others tips on how to live a long happy life. I do know, however, that if I followed every single one of my logical thoughts, I would not still be seeing my doctor, and I most definitely would not have a relationship with God. There is a time in your life for logic, a time for faith, and a time to combine them. When you set goals for yourself, the goal needs to be thought of through a logical method of thinking, but you also need to have faith that God will give you grace to make some mistakes along the way. One of the mistakes I often make with goals is that I expect myself to accomplish them quickly and easily, no matter how unattainable they may seem. I expect a lot from myself, more than I am capable of, so the person I disappoint most in my life is myself. Again, thinking logically, I should just have lower expectations of myself right? Yeah, no... it's just not that easy for me. The thing is, everybody is unique. None of you is going to completely relate to every single thing I post on this blog, but hopefully all of you will be able to relate to at least a single thing on this blog, and I guess that is the reason why I write to you. God works in mysterious ways. Have faith and trust that God will guide you in every step of the way when setting goals for yourself. Most importantly, set your goals for God's timeline, not your own. If you try to rush or drag on your life, you could miss the best parts of it. God's timeline is perfection, even though we cannot see the whole thing.
"Then the Lord said to me, 'Write my answer plainly on tablets, so that a runner can carry the correct message to others. This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.'"
Habakkuk 2:2-3
Love always,
Sierra

So Now What?

Sorry for the long time between my last somewhat disturbing post and this one, but I needed some time to process the results of the doctor appointment. To make a long story short, it has been confirmed that the six day hospital treatment did not work this time. I say this time because seven months ago, it did work, and my doctor said that there's a possibility that if I tried it again sometime in the future, it would work. I am definitely not planning on getting the treatment anytime soon, so that left me wondering what comes next. When I asked my doctor this, I expected another drastic treatment to become part of the discussion, but instead, she prescribed me a new daily medicine. I have tried lots of different kinds of daily medicines, and so far none of them has made a significant difference in my daily pain level. So, when this was the only suggestion, I was and still am a little disappointed. Even though realistically, I know that there is no "cure-all" treatment or medicine, but a small part of me was still hoping for one on the eve of the appointment. Since this disappointment was the only feeling I felt immediately after the appointment, I cried for a good part of the drive home. Remember how I was talking about stages of grief? Well, I felt grief after the appointment, and I have been dealing with it in some mini-stages of my own. The first one, the feeling of intense disappointment, anger, and helplessness, lasted for about two days after the appointment. The first stage of my grief was gone when I woke up on Sunday morning. I woke raring to go, determined to have a good day: I made breakfast with my mom, cleaned my room, went out to lunch with a good friend, and spent some quality time with my family. This burned me out, so I spent the rest of the day relaxing. On Monday, yesterday, I woke lethargic and sore, with not a lot of emotional energy. My "migraine-brain" immediately expected to feel this way for a couple days, and on I went to the next stage of my grieving: the pain of the loss of the future I expected. Luckily, this only lasted for a day. I don't know how or why it only lasted a day, but I am grateful, because the only feeling I had during the next stage was depression. I won't go into the details, and it wasn't extreme depression like you should be concerned for my well-being, but the temporary depression that everybody feels when grieving the loss of something or someone important. So that brings us to today, Tuesday. I had a counseling appointment today, and God prepared me for it. This morning I woke up refreshed. I did not wake up with less pain than yesterday, but with a different mindset. Instead of seeing the future I lost, I saw the reality. I am going to be stuck with this migraine that I have right now for the near to possibly distant future. I woke up ready to strategize, plan out a realistic future for my college time. I am planning on meeting with the student disabilities center and the Dean's Office at UC Davis next week to discuss the details about my accommodations, considering changing my schedule, and actively thinking about other ways to make me successful at Davis. By "successful," I don't necessarily mean "get straight A's," but I want to have the ability to do the best that I can and prevent any hindrances that could possibly stop me from being successful. (If I do get straight A's, that would be awesome though.) Right now, I am in a stage of acceptance and transformation. I am accepting the fact that my pain level might not get better for college. I am changing the mindset I had for college and everything that goes with it. I am communicating as best as I can with my family, friends, and health advisors. I am working to build a good future for myself. However, I am not doing any of this alone. God is with me. God is on my side. God is holding me up. God is guiding me. God loves me.
I mentioned in my last post that I did not feel God with me, and I am ecstatic to say that that feeling did not last. The first time I felt God again was with my friend on Sunday. Since I am not a normal teenager, I cannot be a normal friend to all the friends who are great friends to me, and I often feel guilty about that. I also feel left out when I can't go to a hang out, whether I'm invited or not or a trip to the beach versus to the ice cream shop. My friend Shannon and I had planned to hang out earlier last week, and twice we had to reschedule, ending up having lunch on Sunday together. I felt guilty about rescheduling and not being a good friend, but being with Shannon, that guilt fell away. Shannon has this innate ability to light up my perspective just in a two hour lunch "date." I have been friends with her for practically my whole life, and she and I are very alike. We go to the same church, have similar family situations, and have similar views and beliefs about school, relationships, faith, and life in general. My point about all of this is that God shined His light through Shannon on Sunday. He was able to speak to me through her in a time when I did not even expect it. Now, looking back, I can see that God was pushing me towards spending time with Shannon, and outside forces were resisting. Not only was I reminded in the moment with Shannon that God loves me, but I was reminded that even though I could not feel Him before, He really was with me. I strayed away from his path, but I could never stray away from his presence. I encourage you to try to stop and look at your life and look for moments and situations like mine. Moments when it would be easier to stay in your safe bubble, but you have the opportunity to change it. Don't choose the easy path. Even if you can only try, just try. Make the effort when I didn't. I could have saved myself days of emotional pain had I spent some of my time and energy with Shannon sooner.
Now, I have a message for you all. It took me a while to listen to it, and I probably will have to hear it again, but here is a reminder for you. God is with you. God is on your side. God is holding you up. God is guiding you. God loves you. GOD LOVES US. I could write that 1,000,000,000,000,000 times and still not accurately express just how much God loves us all. I'm going to do my best not to ever forget that, and I hope you can too.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor demons, nor things present nor the future, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:37-39

Love always,
Sierra

Short but Sweet

I only have time and energy for a quick little post tonight since it's past my bedtime... But I wanted to share that I am having fun summer times right now :) I'm at college orientation!! Meeting new people in my major and in others, reconsidering marching band, learning about horseback riding lessons, and getting ready to register for classes tomorrow!!! Eep!!! I'm registering for college tomorrow!!! 

I've been having moments of weakness in which my pain is overwhelming, so I get frustrated and sad. Because most of the other people here right now are registering for classes based on their preferences alone. I have to register based on my preferences and needs. My needs aren't always my wants... But that's life I guess. Also though, I've been seeing God today. I got a ride to one of the activities for the day, which helped a lot. I got an ice pack, albeit a makeshift awkward one, but still ice. I've found a good group of girls to hang out with and possibly study with in the near future! I have heard a lot today about how lots of people on campus are here ready and willing to help. The campus is with me. The Aggies are with me. God is with me. I can feel him filling my "God-shaped hole" right this second, and that is all the comfort and reassurance I need for now. 

To recap, I am having a great time and I cannot wait to be a permanent Aggie!! 

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."

Psalm 46:1

Love always,

Sierra