The Past Five Months

I had to do that title for this post because it reminds me of the movie The Last Five Years, and although it has nothing in common with my life, I could not resist alluding to it. Anna Kendrick is amazing. Jeremy Jordan is amazing. Both of them together in a Broadway show makes genius! I wish I could have sung songs that I made up on the spot about the past, because that would be freaking awesome!! Unfortunately, I can't sing and I am not creative in that way, hence this blog. Every time I hear a song that I love, I have the urge to sing to it... Since I am not a good singer I don't have the confidence to sing, and usually the urge to sing arrives when I am in public and it would be weird to start singing...
How does this relate to my headaches you may ask? I have been very impatient these last five months. All I wanted was for school to be over, for the pain to end... I gripe and whine way too much. Like "the boy who cried wolf," my excessive griping puts everything in my life at the same level of importance, not to God, but to myself. I am not a whiner in an outward way, but I whine all the time inside my head. I forget that I am not the only one who knows what I am thinking... that God hears my every word, every thought, sees every action or inaction... and He judges your character based on all of it. I don't mean judges in the worldly way, like judging people for their outward appearance, but in a faithful way. God is not trivial when it comes to our faith, so He will not hold your mistakes against you. I use this as an excuse to do things I shouldn't, like complain about being too lazy to get up and get myself my own cup of water from the kitchen. I whine about walking twenty feet to get ice and fresh clean water. Many places in the world, they walk over a mile to get water, and their water isn't even clean. I whine about my headaches in a similar way.
I know people personally who went through many more trials than I have ever been to and rarely complained. My uncle was one of those people... He had cancer three times and I never saw him without a smile on his face, even if he was confined to a hospital bed. I do not have his strength, but if I am stuck with migraines every day for the rest of my life, I will need his strength. I will need His strength. God's strength is the strongest thing in the universe. Yes I know that is redundant: "His strength is strong." But there is no other way to explain it... Every single aspect of God is strong. His love, His support, His mercy, His power, His embrace, His healing hand, His guidance... etc. Even though at times I lose my strength, God is there to back me up. This did not happen by accident... I asked God for help. I don't always remember in the tough moments to pray, but I have God in my heart, so even when I don't ask him to be there, He is there for me anyways. God is the perfect friend. The strongest friend you will ever find. Just like with our human friends, a friendship must give and take from both sides. If you continue with your faith in God, He will continue supporting you. Even if you walk away, God waits patiently for you to return to Him.
When you are going through a rough patch in life, it is easy to forget the things you do have. The past five months, I did not take enough time to give thanks. I was often reminded by friends or family how blessed I am, but when I am in a lot of pain it is hard for me to thank God. While Thanksgiving only comes once a year, thanksgiving should happen every day. I have a large wonderful family, amazing friends, food every day, a roof over my head, God's love, support from my church, prayers from people I don't even know... Take time to thank God for what you have, not for what you don't, and He will appreciate it. The typical point of view on God's actions is that once you repent/give thanks/ask for help, God takes away your burdens. Well, this is blackmail, and God does not blackmail... God gives you your burdens for the perfect amount of time. We are his masterpiece. Like sculpting, you start with a large, ugly, heavy block of stone. God shapes us with lots of time and work chipping away our worldly selves, leaving us with our holy selves. When a sculpture is done, it is put on display, to be appreciated by all. God displays us in heaven, but only if we let Him shape us. A sculpture cannot carve itself, and we cannot become holy alone. Life is rough, but Heaven is worth it. God is worth it. Never forget that.
"For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
Love always,
Sierra

The First Prick

So last night I started talking about the tests I did to reach a diagnosis. Well all in all, none of the tests they did on me showed any significant problem. Some were painful, some exhausting, others easy. The first major procedure I had done was a lumbar puncture. For those of you who don’t know, a lumbar puncture is where the fluid in your spinal column is measured and tested. To do this, I got a shot of lidocaine in my lower back to numb it. The ironic thing is that the lidocaine shot hurt like hell. Luckily though it only lasted about thirty seconds then the numbing part kicked in. What happened next was fascinating to me, but may be gruesome to others, so fair warning. The doctor stuck a six inch needle into my back, penetrating in between vertebrae to reach the spinal column. They measured the pressure of the fluid while taking out a good amount of it. You’d think that this process would be bad enough on its own and that there could not possibly be any other source of pain from it. I thought this too, but I was told to rest for a few days, staying as horizontal as possible for as long as was needed. Three days later, I still couldn’t sit up long enough to eat dinner at the dinner table without feeling like my head was about to explode. After corresponding with Dr. C, she told us that I needed to come to the hospital near her. Even though we called ahead, I was stuck laying down on chairs in the waiting room for over 2 hours. I had never been in so much pain. Once I was checked in and seen by the doctors, Dr. C came by to check on me.
I would like to point out that Dr. C willingly left a fundraising dinner early to come visit me in the hospital. Most doctors would wait to see their patients until their official working hours, but not Dr. C. That is how great she is.
Well, turns out all that was needed to fix me was a few liters of fluids through an IV. Dr. C made my overnight hospital experience bearable. She personally made sure I was aware of the treatment plan and what the next step would be should the IV fluids not work.
Looking back on this experience, I am humbled by Dr. C’s earnest compassion. Anyone who has been admitted into a hospital knows how much one person can affect your stay. One person can make it the worst experience of your life. One person can also be the bright spot in a tough time. Look for that one person and appreciate what they do for you. Thank them, and strive to be like them. That is how we can truly honor those who fight for us.
“Do it…with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord.” Colossians 3:22-23
Love always,
Sierra

Losing Stride

After Dr. B, Dr. A referred me to another neurologist, Dr. C. It took some time to get an appointment, so until I saw Dr. C, I went to other specialists to see if my headaches were caused by something other than my head. I saw a cardiologist, audiologist, and various other "ologists." According to all of their tests, I was a normal, healthy teen girl. Most attributed the headaches to hormones or said it would be a temporary grievance. Finally, it came time to see Dr. C. We had to drive two hours there and back for the appointment, but it was worth it.
Dr. C walked into the room ready to listen to my history, the tests that have been done, what kind of pain I had, when it started, etc. After about 45 minutes of listening, I finished my storytelling and Dr. C looked at her notes, thought for a minute, then looked at me. She told me that she had a plan for a course of treatment. She said the first step was diagnosing the problem, so she thought I should get a lumbar puncture. I will tell you all about that tomorrow, because I would like to stop and thank Dr. C. She was the first doctor to seem to genuinely care about my well being and was ready to treat me to the best of her abilities.
For anybody going through a similar experience, and has not found a doctor who is more than just a degree, be patient. It took me 5 months to find the right doctor. I'm still not cured and I have moved on to another doctor, but Dr. C is the reason I got through the beginning stages of chronic pain. For some people, being healthy is just a part of their lives. For others, healthy seems nearly impossible. But do not lose hope. God has a plan for you. It probably will not be what you expected or what you initially want, but in the end it will be perfect for you. Place your trust in God and you will go far.
"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."  Romans 12:12
Love always,
Sierra