It has come to my attention that I have not updated everyone on who I am and who is in my life at college. Also, it has been way too long since I've posted on here anyways, so here goes! As most of you know, I'm studying at UC Davis for at least the next four years of my life. Isn't that crazy? I'm in college. I'm living on my own, looking for a job, studying, and planning my own life. Since I was a little girl, I've wanted to be an adult and be in charge of my own life, and now that it is here and happening, I can't believe it. I keep waiting to wake up from my dream and still be at home in high school with the same friends, same situations, and same responsibilities. Every time I go home, I forget just how real Davis is. Davis is my life now, and home (Modesto) is my vacation from my life. That is a HUGE transition, especially when I've never even transitioned into a new house before. I've lived in the same town, same neighborhood, same house, even the same bedroom, for the my entire life. Now, all of a sudden, everything has changed. (Anybody else get the Taylor Swift song popped up in your head from me saying "everything has changed"?) This is the first major change to happen in my life that I am happy about. When I think of the things that have changed my life in the past, what comes to mind is: the newfound "freedom" of high school, losing old friends and gaining better ones, Freshman year to graduating, and then I think of my aunt's unexpected death, my uncle's passing, my headaches, doctors, hospital trips, and then that becomes all I can think of. The bad overshadows the good. I don't want that to happen with Davis. I want Davis to be the place where the good shines through the bad, or even better, there is good without bad. So, I've been avoiding some truths in my life. I've been keeping my sad feelings quiet and suppressed, thinking that they would go away on their own. (Which is completely silly, because I know that suppressing feelings only makes them worse, so you'd think I'd know better.) First of all, you need to be informed of what is in my life and who is in my life. I have an AMAZING group of friends here. I am not dating anybody, but I have met more incredible, godly men and women than I ever knew there were in this world. I always thought I was weird for my strong foundation of faith and how I try to live it through every aspect of my life, but every single person in my new church group is striving to let God live through their lives as well. Of course, none of us is perfect, but the important part is that we're trying. This is the first time in my life that my very best friends, that I get to see every single day, are also a part of my church group. The best thing about this is that when I need someone to talk to, I can go to any one of them, and they will be there for me as well as remind me that God is here with me too. Sometimes, when life gets crazy, I'm too focused on what is happening right in front of me. I forget to let go and let God. My ego gets the best of me, and I try to do it on my own. My counselor has an acronym for "EGO" that I can really identify with: Edge God Out. When our ego gets bigger, God's voice gets smaller, and you start to edge God out of your life. This happens to me way way way too often. I try to juggle everything in my life as is, all on my own, without asking God what He wants me to do or what I am even able to do. When organization, preparedness, and patience are the most important things you can do to manage your life as they are for me, the more I listen to my ego, the less organized, prepared, and patient I am with life. Not only do we (me and others like me) lose patience with life, but we lose patience with God, and then start blaming Him for our own mistakes. Even though my time here at Davis has been wonderful, I have had too big of an ego for most of it. I've been trying to put up a front that I am always happy, bubbly, energetic, patient, and kind. Deep down, I knew that this isn't possible for anyone, let alone me, yet I continued to pretend. When my close friends asked me how my day was going, it was almost always "good, how about you?" no matter what my day was actually like. Because I have a constant reminder that life isn't perfect, it is easy for me to think about myself that I am always sad or unhappy because I am always in pain, but just as I am not always happy, I am not always sad either. In fact, the majority of my time at college has been spent in bliss. Yes, I have lots of homework. Yes, I have to study for multiple hours every single day. Yes, I still end up procrastinating way too much on Netflix. Yes, I am still constantly in pain. When I have a bad headache, I find myself repeating these negative statements over and over in my head, but these are just half of the truth. I actually enjoy doing my homework. I love learning more about my subjects and expanding my skills. I like studying because I am studying MY topics: math, science, and currently, psychology. I am still constantly in pain, but I am in less pain than I was in before. When the intense pain subsides, the full truths come out and I feel better about myself. This can be applied to everybody's life. When you find yourself feeling sad or depressed, take a note of the negative thoughts that are swirling around in your mind, and later when you are out of your slump, return to those thoughts. I can promise you that most every single one of them will only be half of the truth. That's what Satan uses to trick us. He tells us things that we know are true, but he only tells us half of the truth so that it seems worse than it really is. (Don't worry, I'm not saying your negative thoughts are Satan in your head. They're just what Satan wants for you, and because we are human, we have these bad thoughts all on our own.) But, because we also have God, if you give Him the chance, the full truths will start revealing themselves to you. You will see God's hand working in your life. You will see Him in the little moments of happiness you get from the sun shining and in the relationships that build up your confidence and sense of belonging. This is because God is in every single aspect of your life, and He is just waiting for you to notice Him. God is with every single one of us, whether we believe in Him or not. The difference between believers and non believers is that Christians have God in their heart, not just in their lives. That is the ideal life on earth, one lived hand in hand with God.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."
James 1:2-5
Love always,
Sierra
P.S. ^^I think I've found my new favorite verses.^^
Showing posts with label migraines. Show all posts
Showing posts with label migraines. Show all posts
Friday, January 15, 2016
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Patience is Key
Soooooo I finished my first quarter of college!!! And I was successful in it, academically, socially, emotionally, physically... in every way possible, I feel that I was successful. There are lots of reasons that I was successful this quarter, the most important of these are God's perfect plan and my wonderful family. I have slightly adjusted my definition of family in the past few months, from blood relatives to anybody important in my life. I have discovered that God provides family to those who ask for it, even if it is not in the way you expect. My family has greatly expanded, and consequently so has my faith. Going into college, I was preparing myself for a multitude of times where my faith, character, and values would be tested. Well, it turns out that I was tested, but not in the way I expected. I anticipated temptation to participate in illicit activities that would threaten my health, personality, and possibly even my future, because that's what college is about, right? Testing the limits, making mistakes, and learning from them? So far, this has been proven to be true, but it has happened in the best possible way. Instead of experiencing temptation to go out and party with the wrong crowd, I was tempted to stay out all night line dancing, drinking boba, and playing card games. I tested my physical limits by staying out later than I ever have before, and I tested my social/mental/emotional limits by placing myself in situations that I knew I was slightly uncomfortable in, but that I also knew would strengthen my confidence. Because I tested my limits in these ways, I have built strong foundations for friendships, strengthened my body, and had incredibly fun times along the way. I entered college a fragile little girl who was still recovering from being in the hospital, and even though I've only made it through a third of this year, I am already stronger and smarter than I have ever been.
Yesterday, I visited my doctor at UCSF for the first time in six months. The appointment was very enlightening. I was reminded how serious and permanent my condition is. This is the first appointment that I have had where I forgot about the severity of the impact of my disease, and that is a victory in itself. That is proof that my treatments are working; even though my body is not healing, my mind is healing. For the majority of my past appointments in UCSF, I have left disappointed, spending the first 20-30 minutes of the 3 hour car ride home sobbing because I was not given any new answers. Even though this appointment was not all that different from any others, I did not cry on my way home. Instead, I made plans to spend some time with my aunt and little cousin, and rocked out to some throwback One Direction music with my mom. We even went shopping! Why is this relevant to you, you may ask? Because the little things you do to help yourself manage your pain do make a difference in the end. This was the first time that I did not have to consciously choose to think positively after a fairly negative experience. I have been working on training my brain to focus on the positive and not the negative, and until recently, it has been a conscious decision to turn from the negative thoughts and towards the positive ones. For the majority of this quarter, my brain had a tendency towards the positive thoughts. That is why this past quarter was so successful for me, because all of my hard work with my DBT therapist has paid off. (DBT is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). DBT is part of my prescribed treatment plan, and it involves an active relationship with my therapist. My sessions with my therapist are not the usual kinds of therapy, where I lay on a couch and tell her every thought I've had in the past week. My therapist and I have discussions about how I consciously and subconsciously respond to the pain. I learn proven techniques to think positively as well as the chemistry behind how my brain functions in relation to the pain.)
Every time I stopped myself from thinking about how much my head hurt and instead focused on any positive thing, big or small, I trained my brain that positive is good and negative is bad. You'd think that that would be obvious, right? Clearly it is not obvious to the migraine brain, though, because so often depression, anxiety, and other real problems are developed because of chronic migraines. This is why patience is key, because pain is a very serious thing, no matter what kind of pain it is. Pain can be debilitating in multiple areas of your life, and often times, it is impossible to defeat on your own. It is also impossible to simply stop pain. You cannot throw it away, choose not to feel it, or decide that is is unimportant. Unfortunately, it takes patience to deal with pain, and I have learned that I am not very good at patience. I think this is one of the things that God is going to teach me through this trial. God is teaching me patience. True patience shows faith in God, even though it may seem like a simple "worldly" task. Developing relationships, preparing for exams, even waiting in line requires patience, and therefore faith. Faith that sooner or later, what you're waiting for WILL come. Faith that it is worth your patience. Faith it is God's will. Faith that it is worth it.
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31
Love always,
Sierra
Yesterday, I visited my doctor at UCSF for the first time in six months. The appointment was very enlightening. I was reminded how serious and permanent my condition is. This is the first appointment that I have had where I forgot about the severity of the impact of my disease, and that is a victory in itself. That is proof that my treatments are working; even though my body is not healing, my mind is healing. For the majority of my past appointments in UCSF, I have left disappointed, spending the first 20-30 minutes of the 3 hour car ride home sobbing because I was not given any new answers. Even though this appointment was not all that different from any others, I did not cry on my way home. Instead, I made plans to spend some time with my aunt and little cousin, and rocked out to some throwback One Direction music with my mom. We even went shopping! Why is this relevant to you, you may ask? Because the little things you do to help yourself manage your pain do make a difference in the end. This was the first time that I did not have to consciously choose to think positively after a fairly negative experience. I have been working on training my brain to focus on the positive and not the negative, and until recently, it has been a conscious decision to turn from the negative thoughts and towards the positive ones. For the majority of this quarter, my brain had a tendency towards the positive thoughts. That is why this past quarter was so successful for me, because all of my hard work with my DBT therapist has paid off. (DBT is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). DBT is part of my prescribed treatment plan, and it involves an active relationship with my therapist. My sessions with my therapist are not the usual kinds of therapy, where I lay on a couch and tell her every thought I've had in the past week. My therapist and I have discussions about how I consciously and subconsciously respond to the pain. I learn proven techniques to think positively as well as the chemistry behind how my brain functions in relation to the pain.)
Every time I stopped myself from thinking about how much my head hurt and instead focused on any positive thing, big or small, I trained my brain that positive is good and negative is bad. You'd think that that would be obvious, right? Clearly it is not obvious to the migraine brain, though, because so often depression, anxiety, and other real problems are developed because of chronic migraines. This is why patience is key, because pain is a very serious thing, no matter what kind of pain it is. Pain can be debilitating in multiple areas of your life, and often times, it is impossible to defeat on your own. It is also impossible to simply stop pain. You cannot throw it away, choose not to feel it, or decide that is is unimportant. Unfortunately, it takes patience to deal with pain, and I have learned that I am not very good at patience. I think this is one of the things that God is going to teach me through this trial. God is teaching me patience. True patience shows faith in God, even though it may seem like a simple "worldly" task. Developing relationships, preparing for exams, even waiting in line requires patience, and therefore faith. Faith that sooner or later, what you're waiting for WILL come. Faith that it is worth your patience. Faith it is God's will. Faith that it is worth it.
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31
Love always,
Sierra
Saturday, November 7, 2015
The Start of Something New
So apparently I'm starting to use a recurring theme of referencing a weird obsession of mine... First country music, then Spirit, and now High School Musical. I guess it does go along with my previous references to other cheesy feel good things like Hallmark movies, since High School Musical is a cheesy blast from the past, especially with "The Start of Something New" being the first song of the movie series. I like cheesy movies, lyrics, stories, etc. because they always have a predictably happy ending. Life, however, is never predictable and seems to rarely have happy endings, so I guess I like the cheesy things because they show me a glimpse of what life would look like if everything ended nicely wrapped up in a happily ever after ending. Movies end with life-changing discoveries... the guy gets the girl, mother and daughter are on good terms again, and the evil ones are vanquished. Life also ends with a discovery, but unlike movies, the best memories in life are made during the times of discovering, not the actual discovery.
Today, I started a photo album on facebook to record my first year of college, and I titled it "UC Davis: Year One". As I was choosing pictures for and editing the album, it hit me that I'm going to be at Davis for four more years. It already feels like a lifetime that I've spent there, but it's only been six weeks. I've only been a part of my church group, Catalyst, for five weeks. Coming home this weekend, I'm having this odd feeling that I just dreamt about the past five weeks, and that I am coming to the end of my dream. In reality, my dream is just beginning. I'm at the start of something new: something awe-inspiringly, life-changingly, wonderfully new. It's amazing how just a change in perspective can change a person's whole outlook on life. Instead of bracing myself for the end of this season of life, I can be fully present in the moments, taking pleasure in the small things as well as the large things that I encounter. I encourage you to look at your life as the start of something new instead of the end of something old, because life does not end happily. Life ends with pain and loss. So, when we think about endings in our life, we expect pain and loss to come from them. Instead of seeing the ends, see the beginnings, because life begins with pure joy. When we are first brought into the world, there is a party in Heaven, because another child of God is born. On the wall of my bedroom, I have a patchwork that my grandma made for me when I was just a baby that simply says, "God danced the day you were born", and every time I look at that, I am reminded of the joy that life is meant to bring us. Too often, we are caught up in the pain and suffering of life and forget to see the joy in it. Every day is a chance to see the start of something new.
"He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making all things new! Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"
Revelation 21:5
Love always,
Sierra
Today, I started a photo album on facebook to record my first year of college, and I titled it "UC Davis: Year One". As I was choosing pictures for and editing the album, it hit me that I'm going to be at Davis for four more years. It already feels like a lifetime that I've spent there, but it's only been six weeks. I've only been a part of my church group, Catalyst, for five weeks. Coming home this weekend, I'm having this odd feeling that I just dreamt about the past five weeks, and that I am coming to the end of my dream. In reality, my dream is just beginning. I'm at the start of something new: something awe-inspiringly, life-changingly, wonderfully new. It's amazing how just a change in perspective can change a person's whole outlook on life. Instead of bracing myself for the end of this season of life, I can be fully present in the moments, taking pleasure in the small things as well as the large things that I encounter. I encourage you to look at your life as the start of something new instead of the end of something old, because life does not end happily. Life ends with pain and loss. So, when we think about endings in our life, we expect pain and loss to come from them. Instead of seeing the ends, see the beginnings, because life begins with pure joy. When we are first brought into the world, there is a party in Heaven, because another child of God is born. On the wall of my bedroom, I have a patchwork that my grandma made for me when I was just a baby that simply says, "God danced the day you were born", and every time I look at that, I am reminded of the joy that life is meant to bring us. Too often, we are caught up in the pain and suffering of life and forget to see the joy in it. Every day is a chance to see the start of something new.
"He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making all things new! Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"
Revelation 21:5
Love always,
Sierra
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Is this real life?
There's a little inside joke minor humor for you there with this title... Anyone remember the funny video roaming around the internet a few years back with the little boy who was loopy from getting his tooth pulled out and he asked, "Is this real life?" Even though I'm not loopy on laughing gas, I've found myself asking this question fairly often in this transition from high school to college life. This weekend, I had this thought multiple times, but in an amazing, uplifting sort of way. When I think about the past few years of my life, I can't remember a time when I was happy for more than about a week at a time. I've been at UC Davis for a month now, and I can honestly say that I have been happy for almost the whole time. Of course I'm not happy 24/7, that's unrealistic, but aside from a few bad days here and there, my heart has been filled with joy and satisfaction. I know why I'm so happy, too: I finally learned how to let go and let God. I honestly have no idea what in particular I've done differently for this past month, but I do know that whatever I'm doing, it's good. I've been able to step aside and let God lead my life for a change, and it has been wonderful.
I have this really bad habit of trying to do everything on my own, and on top of that, I'm extremely stubborn about it. For example, this weekend I went on a retreat with my college church group! We went to the Tahoe area and stayed in a church member's cabin! Well I guess technically it was a cabin, but "cabin" makes it sound small. This place was not small. We fit 60 college students in it for an entire weekend. Yes. 60. Anyways, on Saturday, we went for a hike. It was an optional hike, but the majority of the group ended up going. At first, I didn't think that I was going to go along, but I felt a little nudge from God to go. I gave in, and found myself on a beautiful hike. For some of us, the hike was a fairly easy few miles on a switchback trail up the mountain. For others, it was trekking through the woods, climbing up the rocks, and "parcore-ing" it up the mountain ("parcore" is jumping on rocks and doing crazy life-threatening stuff like that just for the heck of it). I was part of the group that went on the trail, of course, but that trail was not easy at all for me. It was actually the most difficult thing I've done since before I went to the hospital. As I was on the hike, I had multiple opportunities to turn around and only go part of the way, at which points I stopped and actually considered the possibility. This, I think, is the difference between the me now and the me a few months ago. Realistically, I knew I was not going to turn back early. I knew I was going to finish that hike no matter what. However, I used to just go with my gut and not listen to God's input. This got me in quite a few rough patches over time... Typically, after a huge adventure such as the hike, I come home and crash for a few days. Literally crash, like my headache spikes to a constant 9 out of 10, my body is weak and lightheaded, and I am completely exhausted for at least 2 days. This time feels different, though. I'm still exhausted, a little weak, and with a little worse headache than I had before, but it doesn't feel like a crash. I think this is because when I had the opportunity to turn back on the hike, I paused and asked God for his advice. God told me that if I continued, I would be sore, but it would be worth it. He also told me that if I turned back, I would enjoy the quiet time and meet some new people in Catalyst. (Sidenote: When I talk about God "telling me" something or "speaking to me," I don't mean that I hear a loud booming voice saying my name and speaking to me. It's hard to describe, but basically, when God speaks to me, I get a feeling. A thought pops into my head, and I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me what the thought means. God speaks to everyone in different ways, and often times it is really hard to interpret what He is saying to us. Don't worry if you haven't heard God's voice yet. You actually have heard his voice before, but you just haven't noticed it before, which is completely okay. I didn't learn how to understand God's words until very recently, so don't panic! It will come in time.) Now, back to my story! So, given these choices, I decided to be stubborn and push through the pain, exhaustion, and dizziness for the sense of accomplishment I would feel at the end. I also stuck with the hike because I absolutely LOVE being in nature. It is my favorite visual reminder of God's artistry!
I guess my point of all this is that because I followed God's lead this weekend, He rewarded me by helping me recover more easily from the adventure. God works in mysterious ways like this. He gives us free will, for reasons I will never understand, but He still has a plan for us. He still knows our desires and values them, so He respects them, and gives you opportunities to expand your horizons and deepen your relationship with Him. Along with less pain, He also rewarded me with an AMAZING weekend. There is so much I want to share with you all, but if I were to share all of it I would be typing for days... So I'll share my favorite moments. For those of you who have been on a church retreat before, you know how aware you are of God's presence the entire time. For those of you who haven't, I'll happily explain it to you. Imagine a room filled with people that you have gotten to know and love, discovering some of their quirks, strengths, weaknesses, and laughing with them along the way. Now imagine every single one of them singing their hearts out praising God. When this happens, the Holy Spirit emanates from each person's soul and fills the spaces of the entire room. It felt to me like we were standing in a sea of love- God's love, my love, their love, our love. In those moments, all I can do is smile, lift my hands, and praise God. I could have worshiped with those people all day and been completely content.
I'd like to end today's post with a blessing that we ended our retreat with: Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him, all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
Love always,
Sierra
I have this really bad habit of trying to do everything on my own, and on top of that, I'm extremely stubborn about it. For example, this weekend I went on a retreat with my college church group! We went to the Tahoe area and stayed in a church member's cabin! Well I guess technically it was a cabin, but "cabin" makes it sound small. This place was not small. We fit 60 college students in it for an entire weekend. Yes. 60. Anyways, on Saturday, we went for a hike. It was an optional hike, but the majority of the group ended up going. At first, I didn't think that I was going to go along, but I felt a little nudge from God to go. I gave in, and found myself on a beautiful hike. For some of us, the hike was a fairly easy few miles on a switchback trail up the mountain. For others, it was trekking through the woods, climbing up the rocks, and "parcore-ing" it up the mountain ("parcore" is jumping on rocks and doing crazy life-threatening stuff like that just for the heck of it). I was part of the group that went on the trail, of course, but that trail was not easy at all for me. It was actually the most difficult thing I've done since before I went to the hospital. As I was on the hike, I had multiple opportunities to turn around and only go part of the way, at which points I stopped and actually considered the possibility. This, I think, is the difference between the me now and the me a few months ago. Realistically, I knew I was not going to turn back early. I knew I was going to finish that hike no matter what. However, I used to just go with my gut and not listen to God's input. This got me in quite a few rough patches over time... Typically, after a huge adventure such as the hike, I come home and crash for a few days. Literally crash, like my headache spikes to a constant 9 out of 10, my body is weak and lightheaded, and I am completely exhausted for at least 2 days. This time feels different, though. I'm still exhausted, a little weak, and with a little worse headache than I had before, but it doesn't feel like a crash. I think this is because when I had the opportunity to turn back on the hike, I paused and asked God for his advice. God told me that if I continued, I would be sore, but it would be worth it. He also told me that if I turned back, I would enjoy the quiet time and meet some new people in Catalyst. (Sidenote: When I talk about God "telling me" something or "speaking to me," I don't mean that I hear a loud booming voice saying my name and speaking to me. It's hard to describe, but basically, when God speaks to me, I get a feeling. A thought pops into my head, and I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me what the thought means. God speaks to everyone in different ways, and often times it is really hard to interpret what He is saying to us. Don't worry if you haven't heard God's voice yet. You actually have heard his voice before, but you just haven't noticed it before, which is completely okay. I didn't learn how to understand God's words until very recently, so don't panic! It will come in time.) Now, back to my story! So, given these choices, I decided to be stubborn and push through the pain, exhaustion, and dizziness for the sense of accomplishment I would feel at the end. I also stuck with the hike because I absolutely LOVE being in nature. It is my favorite visual reminder of God's artistry!
I guess my point of all this is that because I followed God's lead this weekend, He rewarded me by helping me recover more easily from the adventure. God works in mysterious ways like this. He gives us free will, for reasons I will never understand, but He still has a plan for us. He still knows our desires and values them, so He respects them, and gives you opportunities to expand your horizons and deepen your relationship with Him. Along with less pain, He also rewarded me with an AMAZING weekend. There is so much I want to share with you all, but if I were to share all of it I would be typing for days... So I'll share my favorite moments. For those of you who have been on a church retreat before, you know how aware you are of God's presence the entire time. For those of you who haven't, I'll happily explain it to you. Imagine a room filled with people that you have gotten to know and love, discovering some of their quirks, strengths, weaknesses, and laughing with them along the way. Now imagine every single one of them singing their hearts out praising God. When this happens, the Holy Spirit emanates from each person's soul and fills the spaces of the entire room. It felt to me like we were standing in a sea of love- God's love, my love, their love, our love. In those moments, all I can do is smile, lift my hands, and praise God. I could have worshiped with those people all day and been completely content.
I'd like to end today's post with a blessing that we ended our retreat with: Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him, all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
Love always,
Sierra
Friday, October 16, 2015
Surrealism
I'm having yet another surreal moment right now. I'm sitting in Starbucks on campus listening to music and organizing my schedule, when I realize that I am the college student. I am here, living on my own, going to college at my dream school, and I can't help but feel blessed despite the hardships. There was a time that I doubted that I would be able to go to college, let alone move away from home, yet here I am! Ooh that just reminded me of a song from one of my favorite movies!! Spirit, Stallion of the Cimarron. I love that movie because it is all about horses and their personalities and warm hearts for humans, but also because of the music. The music just happens to be co-written by Bryan Adams and Hans Zimmer, so you know, no big deal... just a fairly successful 80's rockstar and the composer of movies such as the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. Of course, when I was little I had no idea who these people were, I just liked the music, but it's cool to make that connection now. Anyways... The song "Here I Am" in Spirit has lyrics of: "Here I am, this is me. There's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be. It's a new world, it's a new start, it's a life with the beating of a young heart, it's a new place, it's a new land, and it's waiting for me. Here I am. Here we are, we've just begun and after all this time my time has come. Here we are, still going strong. Right here in the place where we belong." I love it when normal songs like this make me think of God. This song was written to be about a horse becoming the leader of a herd, and the responsibilities that come with being the leader, yet 18 year old me hears God's voice in it. It's always exciting to see the different ways God speaks to us, whether it's a song that's stuck in your head or a person or situation in your life. Once you start looking, you see God everywhere. You see him in both the beauty and pain, which is a double edged sword.
It's hard to think about God in relation to pain. Me with my math brain, I think of it like an equation relating God and pain, like they are opposites to one another: God/pain (God divided by pain). I've come up with a new relationship now, though: God=Pain. I don't mean God is the same thing as pain, I mean God is proportional to pain. If you have more pain in your life, God reaches out even further to you. He does not do this because the ones with pain are His favorites, but because He gives everybody equal opportunity to follow Him. He understands that those of us with pain have less to give, and He's okay with that. Many of us, including myself, investigate this and wonder, if God can support us when we have more pain, why does He not also take some of our pain away? I don't have a definitive answer for this one, guys. It's an age-old question that I don't think will ever be answered on Earth, however I can share with you my opinion of the matter. If we lived in a perfect world, everybody would be praising God of their own free will, but a perfect world does not and will never exist. The only time that there ever has existed a perfect world was with the Garden of Eden, but that world was corrupted by the same thing that corrupts our world: sin. I see sin and Satan as synonymous because Satan encourages sin, just as I see God and love as synonymous because God encourages love. I believe that God has a plan for each and every one of our lives, and we may choose to follow it or not, but either way, His plan will be corrupted by sin. Fortunately, God accounts for this and makes it possible for us to survive and thrive. Satan makes life difficult, but God makes life possible. Because we have free will, God's plan does not always shine through every single person's life, and because we are human, most of the time we will not see God's plan. We might only see the suffering left in its wake, and when that is the case, it is time for us to take comfort in God's embrace. You could try to understand every aspect of the plan, but then you would waste your whole life looking for something that, simply by having faith, in the end you will find: Heaven.
"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere."
James 3:17
Love always,
Sierra
It's hard to think about God in relation to pain. Me with my math brain, I think of it like an equation relating God and pain, like they are opposites to one another: God/pain (God divided by pain). I've come up with a new relationship now, though: God=Pain. I don't mean God is the same thing as pain, I mean God is proportional to pain. If you have more pain in your life, God reaches out even further to you. He does not do this because the ones with pain are His favorites, but because He gives everybody equal opportunity to follow Him. He understands that those of us with pain have less to give, and He's okay with that. Many of us, including myself, investigate this and wonder, if God can support us when we have more pain, why does He not also take some of our pain away? I don't have a definitive answer for this one, guys. It's an age-old question that I don't think will ever be answered on Earth, however I can share with you my opinion of the matter. If we lived in a perfect world, everybody would be praising God of their own free will, but a perfect world does not and will never exist. The only time that there ever has existed a perfect world was with the Garden of Eden, but that world was corrupted by the same thing that corrupts our world: sin. I see sin and Satan as synonymous because Satan encourages sin, just as I see God and love as synonymous because God encourages love. I believe that God has a plan for each and every one of our lives, and we may choose to follow it or not, but either way, His plan will be corrupted by sin. Fortunately, God accounts for this and makes it possible for us to survive and thrive. Satan makes life difficult, but God makes life possible. Because we have free will, God's plan does not always shine through every single person's life, and because we are human, most of the time we will not see God's plan. We might only see the suffering left in its wake, and when that is the case, it is time for us to take comfort in God's embrace. You could try to understand every aspect of the plan, but then you would waste your whole life looking for something that, simply by having faith, in the end you will find: Heaven.
"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere."
James 3:17
Love always,
Sierra
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
I'm Dreaming
I think that I should reiterate my goals for this blog. I do not write for sympathy or to complain about my problems. I love that you pray for me, care about me and connect with me, but I'm not asking for you to send me notes of sympathy. I appreciate it and am not telling you not to do it, I just want to make sure that it's clear that it is not my intention. I do not mean for this blog to be about me. Yes, I am sharing MY own experiences, but not only for my own benefit. This blog I s helping me to express my feelings, but that is a "side effect" of my cause.
Now onto the fun!! I am currently in Wisconsin. Why am I in the land of cheese you may ask? Because I have tons of family here. I love family. It is the best thing in the world. Family does not only apply to your "blood brothers," but also to those who love you and make sacrifices for you. I don't mean sacrifice their life or jump in front of a bullet for you, but when you are lonely, hurting, depressed, or just looking for some fun, family is standing right beside you. God is a part of our family as well. God is the perfect dad. He does not overreact about your boy troubles or you not doing the dishes, but He does give you advice and love you as his baby girl or baby boy. He also sees your dreams, and works with you to make them come true. He understands your deepest fears and desires, and He supports you unconditionally in your endeavors. Every time I come to Wisconsin, I love it more. I love the random patches of woods around the crop fields. I love the picket fences and the animals, particularly the horses, behind them. I love the atmosphere of open air, the small towns where everybody knows everybody. I love that my family lives in an area that I love visiting. When I am upset, I often dream of the life I want when I'm older. I've been doing this since I was old enough to understand the concept of life. Currently, my dream is to become a doctor, form a family, retire to a horse farm, and live to see my great grandkids. Visiting the Midwest always reminds me why I love the country so much. Being here shows me how hard some people work just to put food on the table, and how they never complain about it either. People like that are people I want my kids to grow up around.
The other day, I watched a movie called "Unconditional." It was about a woman whose kindhearted husband was killed in a robbery and her steady decline after his passing. She almost committed suicide, but through the help of her childhood friend and her experiences with people who have less opportunity than her. There are many good quotes in the movie, and this one relates to my life really well, "I used to dream of telling stories, but I never dreamed that mine would end up like this." I had big dreams for my life before the migraines came along. I was going to take as many AP courses as possible, work as hard as I could, and get all A's. This sounds conceited, but that was a realistic goal for me at the time. I had many dreams, and not one of them involved migraines. I always thought that I'm the only person I know who had an opportunity taken from them because mine was the worst, but that's not true. Nobody's life ends up exactly how they wants it to, but it ends up where God wants it to. Seemingly trivial things end up making a world of difference because they are guided by God's hand.
If you have never visited anywhere other than your hometown, I highly encourage some adventure. I'm not saying you should hop on a plane to Greece for two months, but find a place that makes you feel happy and safe, then find another. The journey to get you there will be just as important as the places you go. Here's another good quote from "Unconditional," "It ain't a dead end if it takes you where you needed to go." So I guess my headaches are taking me to a place I need to go, and God is guiding me the whole way there. The same goes for each one of you. If you see a dead end up ahead, go all the way up to it before you turn around, because that is where the beauty of life lies.
"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."
1 Peter 5:10
Love always,
Sierra
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Disney One-Liners
I decided to make this post a little different than my others. Instead of bible verses, I will be using Disney quotes. Wisdom and inspiration can come from the most random things in life, and for me, Disney is a bright example of that.
"The past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it." -Rafiki
Yesterday, I saw my counselor (we'll call her Si) for the first time since the hospital. That woman and I are like the same person in different bodies. She is a nerd, talks a lot, and is passionate about her work... Sound like anyone we know? Well, a few months ago, Si found a good way of categorizing the emotional side effects of having chronic migraines. My migraine causes me grief. Not grief like troubles, but grief like the feeling you have when a loved one dies. My old self died when my migraine started. Typically, there are stages of grief, and healthy grieving is moving slowly but steadily onward through these stages. I will use Elizabeth Ross's "stages" of grief:
1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance
When dealing with a loss of a person, a job, a pet, etc., healthy grieving is going through the stages one by one, only moving forward. With my grief, I have gone through each stage multiple times, which would be considered unhealthy if I was grieving like most people. Grief typically describes the feeling that you get as a result of one singular event. If you look at the past two years and next few years to come as a singular event, then I should go through the stages of grief when my daily migraine ends. This seems logical, right?... Well it also brings up the question of how I should be feeling in the five years the broadly singular event is occurring. I've decided that nothing about my situation can be considered normal. I cannot live like a normal person. I cannot be a normal person, so why do I feel the need to grieve like a normal person? Probably because it is just human nature, but that still doesn't help me know how to grieve in a healthy way. I guess I should say why I need to grieve healthily, huh? Well the way I see it is every day I have a giant unhealthy problem in my life, so being unhealthy in any other area of my life would just make life all the more difficult. You may also be wondering why I am sharing this with all of you, how this could relate to your life. All too often, people try to put themselves in the same category as others because nobody likes to be alone, particularly in tough situations. Even though you may not have migraines, physical pain, or pain every day, you do not have to grieve like everybody else. However, if you have suffered a singular loss, do try to stay in the norm, for your own sake.
"I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now." -Edna Mode
Just like Rafiki, Edna understands the importance of living in the present. Sometimes, I do not want to live in the present, because in the present moment, I am in a lot of pain. I try to distract myself, usually by watching tv, talking with friends and family, or listening to music. These distractions help me continue living in the present. When I am not easily distracted because of the higher level of pain, I tend to live in the past. I think of where I could be if I hadn't gotten migraines and start wishing my life was different. Wishing your life was different does not actually change anything... In fact, it makes the present moment worse. When this happens, and I head even further down the downwards spiral, I move to the depression stage. I am constantly moving between the stages of grief, and living in the past pushes me in a negative direction. For me, healthy grieving is steadily moving through the stages, but I do not always have to move from 1 to 5 to be in a healthy place. Any of you dealing with daily pain of some sort are in the same boat as me. Don't feel the need to be like everybody else and make it to the acceptance stage as quickly as possible. For those of you with lifelong issues like migraines, the acceptance stage is neverending. You will never fully move past your pain, because it is part of your daily life, whether you actually feel the pain daily or not. Having a lifelong problem is scary. There will be times when you think you cannot make it any further in your journey. That, you are just going to have to accept. You will not always be happy, but then again, nobody is happy 100% of the time. Honestly, you might never be happy even 50% of the time, but it does not matter how often or how long you are happy. Only the quality of your happiness is important.
"Remember you're the one who can fill the world with sunshine." -Snow White
I have faith in you. You are strong enough to make it through your life just the way it is. This is a fact. God does not give you things you cannot handle, but you must choose to fight. You are strong enough, but I could never convince you of that. You have to convince yourself that you are strong enough to make it through every single moment of your life. Never forget that you are never alone.
"Promise me you'll always remember you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." -Winnie the Pooh
Love always,
Sierra
"The past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it." -Rafiki
Yesterday, I saw my counselor (we'll call her Si) for the first time since the hospital. That woman and I are like the same person in different bodies. She is a nerd, talks a lot, and is passionate about her work... Sound like anyone we know? Well, a few months ago, Si found a good way of categorizing the emotional side effects of having chronic migraines. My migraine causes me grief. Not grief like troubles, but grief like the feeling you have when a loved one dies. My old self died when my migraine started. Typically, there are stages of grief, and healthy grieving is moving slowly but steadily onward through these stages. I will use Elizabeth Ross's "stages" of grief:
1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance
When dealing with a loss of a person, a job, a pet, etc., healthy grieving is going through the stages one by one, only moving forward. With my grief, I have gone through each stage multiple times, which would be considered unhealthy if I was grieving like most people. Grief typically describes the feeling that you get as a result of one singular event. If you look at the past two years and next few years to come as a singular event, then I should go through the stages of grief when my daily migraine ends. This seems logical, right?... Well it also brings up the question of how I should be feeling in the five years the broadly singular event is occurring. I've decided that nothing about my situation can be considered normal. I cannot live like a normal person. I cannot be a normal person, so why do I feel the need to grieve like a normal person? Probably because it is just human nature, but that still doesn't help me know how to grieve in a healthy way. I guess I should say why I need to grieve healthily, huh? Well the way I see it is every day I have a giant unhealthy problem in my life, so being unhealthy in any other area of my life would just make life all the more difficult. You may also be wondering why I am sharing this with all of you, how this could relate to your life. All too often, people try to put themselves in the same category as others because nobody likes to be alone, particularly in tough situations. Even though you may not have migraines, physical pain, or pain every day, you do not have to grieve like everybody else. However, if you have suffered a singular loss, do try to stay in the norm, for your own sake.
"I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now." -Edna Mode
Just like Rafiki, Edna understands the importance of living in the present. Sometimes, I do not want to live in the present, because in the present moment, I am in a lot of pain. I try to distract myself, usually by watching tv, talking with friends and family, or listening to music. These distractions help me continue living in the present. When I am not easily distracted because of the higher level of pain, I tend to live in the past. I think of where I could be if I hadn't gotten migraines and start wishing my life was different. Wishing your life was different does not actually change anything... In fact, it makes the present moment worse. When this happens, and I head even further down the downwards spiral, I move to the depression stage. I am constantly moving between the stages of grief, and living in the past pushes me in a negative direction. For me, healthy grieving is steadily moving through the stages, but I do not always have to move from 1 to 5 to be in a healthy place. Any of you dealing with daily pain of some sort are in the same boat as me. Don't feel the need to be like everybody else and make it to the acceptance stage as quickly as possible. For those of you with lifelong issues like migraines, the acceptance stage is neverending. You will never fully move past your pain, because it is part of your daily life, whether you actually feel the pain daily or not. Having a lifelong problem is scary. There will be times when you think you cannot make it any further in your journey. That, you are just going to have to accept. You will not always be happy, but then again, nobody is happy 100% of the time. Honestly, you might never be happy even 50% of the time, but it does not matter how often or how long you are happy. Only the quality of your happiness is important.
"Remember you're the one who can fill the world with sunshine." -Snow White
I have faith in you. You are strong enough to make it through your life just the way it is. This is a fact. God does not give you things you cannot handle, but you must choose to fight. You are strong enough, but I could never convince you of that. You have to convince yourself that you are strong enough to make it through every single moment of your life. Never forget that you are never alone.
"Promise me you'll always remember you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." -Winnie the Pooh
Love always,
Sierra
Friday, July 10, 2015
Day Five
Finally!!! I'm almost done. I'm getting my second to last DHE infusion right now and I'm happy that it's almost over but not happy that I'm having this. Today was kind of a sucky day... I started off feeling pretty good! Then I started going downhill in the afternoon. Half an hour into my 2:30 PM infusion, I starting having pretty bad nausea. So, I took some Tums and waited another 20 minutes... Then called and asked for some nausea rescue medicine. Somehow my request was lost in communication, so 45 minutes later I still did not have relief from the nausea. When we called to ask what was taking so long, we realized that it had never been ordered. So I got to wait another hour for medicine. In the meantime, I watched supernatural. Usually watching an interesting movie or tv show distracts me well enough for a good enough period of time. Today I was just overwhelmed with different uncomfortable feelings... But later I realized that I was being proactive beyond just supernatural. I used a technique my counselor taught me, called "cut the cord." This technique helps me when my pain is overwhelming and I can't seem to do anything but think about it, complain about it, and cry about it, all three of which make the pain worse. So, "cut the cord" is the method i use when distraction alone isn't enough. What I do is when a thought comes up that sends me down the sad I have migraines road is I acknowledge the thought, determine whether thinking about it will send me in a good or bad direction, then act accordingly. Cut the cord is the action of acknowledging then moving on. Sometimes life seems like it needs a "cut the cord" moment. The moments that you lose hope, just stop thinking about feeling hopeless. Cause the second you stop thinking about it, hope returns. That is because God is waiting for you to stop fighting your battles on your own. He is hope. He is our hope. Our only hope. God's middle name is hope. Losing hope is easy. Getting it back is the hard part... Trust me, I speak from experience. I also happen to know that the second you ask for His support, God is there. Just keep the faith.
"When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, He asked him, 'Do you want to get well'"
John 5:6
Love always,
Sierra
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