As most of you know, I have quite a bit of pain in my everyday life. I still grieve regularly for my aunt and uncle, even though it has been five years since they passed away. I have a migraine all day every day, with no relief other than sleep. I have generalized anxiety disorder, mostly because of the migraines but also just because of my body chemistry. Yet somehow, I'm happy with where my life is at right now. I don't fully understand why I am able to say this, because on paper my life kinda sucks. I am not capable of living this life on my own, and I am so grateful to have the amazing support system that I have. I have a wonderful family who support me in EVERYTHING I do, I have the best friends anybody could ever ask for, and I have a strong faith in God, but even these uplifting support systems can cause pain in my life. When my friends and family are suffering, from sickness, grief, social issues, financial troubles, you name it, I feel their suffering with them. I feel it almost as strongly as if their issues are mine. Honestly I kind of hate that part of myself, because it makes me feel selfish for making their pain my own. I am not them, so I have no right to feel their pain. I wish I could tone down my empathy, but I can't. I know that this is going to be a huge obstacle when I find my career, because I plan on using my empathy to fight for the end of others' pain. I have not decided yet how I will do this, but I know I will be working with children who are suffering from things that are out of their control. Whether that will be cancer, diseases, abusive households, a mental illness, or simply being bullied at school, I know this is where God is calling me to be. So, every hurting child I come across, I will feel their pain too. Sometimes I hate God for calling me to this life. Sometimes I wish that I was born into a different body, one that is healthy, with a mind of a researcher or inventor, someone who deals with facts and equations, not people's lives. Luckily though, these thoughts do not dominate my mind, because then I wouldn't be me.
I don't usually let people see me when I am in my worst pain, because I don't want them thinking that that is who I am. But unfortunately, it is who I am. It's only a part of who I am, but if I am going to accept myself just as I am, then this is part of it. This is me at one of the seven hospital treatments I've had in the past two years.
It has taken me a very long time to thank God for ANY of the pain that I experience. I still am not capable of thanking Him for all of it, but I am thankful for parts of it. I am thankful for my experiences being a patient in America's healthcare system, where I hope to work one day. I am thankful for the lessons that my migraines have taught me, and for who I am because of them. I still don't completely know who I am, but I know that I like me, and I thank God for making me who I am today; but I feel terrified of my future. I am afraid that I won't be happy in my job, wherever I end up. I am afraid that I will have a daughter or son who has migraines like mine. I am afraid that I will never have a family of my own, or that if I get one, I will not be able to appreciate and experience it in the way I want to because of my job or my health. Why am I telling the world these things? Well right now I don't really know. This post is mostly just me telling you my feelings, which is different from my other posts. I don't really have a verse to tie into it, and I haven't really given you any tools to help you with your own personal burdens, but I guess my hope for this post is just for you to know that you are not alone. Whether you are currently joyful, sorrowful, questioning, or wherever you're at in your life, you are human, and there are 7 billion people out there who understand where you're at. That can be daunting, thinking about being one of the total 7 billion people (and counting), but I truly believe that no two people are identical. Every person is unique and is beautiful for who they are. So, why not accept that? And love who you are, learn how to live your life to make YOU happy, and the rest of the people in your life will either support you or abandon you, but if they abandon you then they don't deserve you. You WILL find people who love you for EXACTLY who you are. Now, I'm not telling you that you're perfect and you should never change anything about yourself, but I am telling you to follow your heart in everything you do. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
There is a program at UC Davis that allows me to experience pediatric healthcare in Bolivia, and I feel like God is calling me there. It's a strange calling, because I don't think I am going to end up working in public health, so I don't completely understand the purpose of me going there. All I see is an opportunity to follow my heart and where God is leading me. I don't know if I will actually be able to go there, because the trip will cost upwards of $9000, of which I have very little of right now. I have student loans and some money in a savings account from my family members, but it is illogical to spend the rest of my college tuition savings on four weeks in a foreign country working with kids I will likely never see again, working in a country I do not plan to stay in, and doing an internship that does not count for my major. But my heart is calling out to me, and I wouldn't be me if I didn't at least try to listen to it.
But instead of focusing on the obstacles in my life, I try to focus on what is possible where I am now. I guess this is a large part of who I am, someone who does her very best with the life she's given. Today, I went out shopping with my mom and sisters all day. I was exhausted for most of it, but I knew they were worth spending my energy on, and I am so glad that I did, because we had a wonderful day. We tried on clothes and took silly pictures in the dressing room, and I will remember those silly moments when I am missing them at school in these next few months. This is who i am, someone who loves her family with all her heart.
This is me with my family this summer, at a family reunion when I had a fairly bad migraine, but I chose to go because I know my family is worth it, and I am so glad that I went to that too, because I will remember it for the rest of my life.
This silly, happy girl is the same as the exhausted, medicated, hospitalized one in the first picture. It was hard for me to realize this, but I am not one or the other, I am both. I am the weak, sick headache girl and the strong, stubborn Sanders woman my parents raised me to be. And honestly, I am pretty darn happy with who I am. Headaches did not ruin my life, even though sometimes it seems that way. I overcame the headaches, and instead of denying their existence, I accepted them into my life and learned how to live it the way I want. My life isn't perfect, but then again, whose is?
Like The Greatest Showman's song "This is Me" states,
"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down,
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me."
Love always,
Sierra
P.S. If you want to listen to the song, here is a link to my favorite version of it, an honest, live, heartwarming performance by Keala Settle: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLFEvHWD_NE
