Accepting a Life with Chronic Migraines

July of 2017 was the four year marker for the start of my never ending migraine. Four years ago, July of 2013, I was on vacation with my family and got a headache that just didn't want to go away. I assumed I was dehydrated or tired or just annoyed of spending up to 14 hours a day in the car with my family on our cross country road trip, so I didn't think much of it. The weeks went on and it continued still. At that point, my daily pain was at about a 4/10 on the "pain scale" (ranging from 0-10, 0 being no pain and 10 being the worst pain imaginable). I went through three doctors in a few months trying to find the right person for the job of diagnosing my pain. Finally, I found a neurologist who was willing to try everything to figure out what was wrong with me, but by the time I found her, my pain was up to an average of 5/10. She never gave up on me, even when every test she did came back normal, from simple blood tests and medication trials to a lumbar puncture that put me in the hospital overnight. I was starting to think the pain was all in my head... (haha look i made a pun!)
In December of 2014, that doctor sent me to the experts at the UCSF Headache Center, where I talked for two hours about every test we ever did and every medication we ever tried. By this time, my daily pain was at a 6 or 7 out of 10. I knew I couldn't keep going to school, and was considering going on independent study because I barely went as it was. I probably went to two and a half school days a week for the second half of junior year and first half of senior year.

Before the UCSF doctor, I didn't have an answer for the pain. I had a long list of things that I didn't have, but I didn't know the one thing that I did have. After respectfully listening to me for two hours, my doctor told me that I had migraines. I nearly cried at the answer to my prayers, and the next thing she told us was that I would probably benefit from getting a treatment in the hospital. This was pretty scary for my mom and me, but I was ready to put a stop to the pain. I was hoping this would be the thing to cure me of my pain. I had the treatment in January of 2015, and took that month and part of February off of school in order to recover. I spent 5 days in the hospital getting an infusion of the medication through an IV every 8 hours. It was exhausting, painful, boring, and mentally/emotionally draining. It took a month for me to get my strength back, but by the time I recovered, my pain level had decreased! I was down to an average of a 5 or 6 out of 10, which made school, friends, and fun manageable. I was able to graduate from high school with honors and a GPA of 3.7, and even get into my dream school of UC Davis! I had another hospital treatment before I started college, which got me through Fall Quarter and half of Winter Quarter. By the end of Winter Quarter, my average daily pain was at an 8/10. Some days, I was able to go to class, study, and spend a little time with friends. But other days, I had a 9/10 and I could barely get out of bed, let alone bike to class and study for my finals. I ended up getting C's and B's in my classes, which was a drastic change from my straight A's of Fall Quarter. I was disappointed in myself and heartbroken because I knew I wasn't going to be able to do another quarter like that. So, I had to take Spring Quarter off of school. I had an emergency admission to the hospital for the treatment, and instead of having my first week of Spring Quarter (April of 2016) on campus with my best friends, I was in the hospital. The hardest thing about this decision was the 6 months that came afterwards of having little to no contact with my new Davis family. Even though I had a lot of fun times with my family during those 6 months, and I did have visits with my Davis friends, I knew I wasn't where God wanted me to be. I know that God knew I needed the time to heal and rest, but I also knew that Davis was where my heart now belonged.

Also during this time, I fell far from God. I couldn't see Him, and I couldn't understand why He would allow me to go through so much pain. I tried so hard to find Him, but I think I was too angry with Him to truly look. But finally I made it back to Davis and got to start my life again. It was my sophomore year of college, and I was determined to make it the full year. I planned a hospital treatment during my finals week of Fall Quarter so I would have enough resting time afterwards before Winter Quarter, and hopefully I would make it all the way through Spring Quarter. Sophomore year was not an easy one for me. For most of it, I still felt out of place even though I knew I was in the right place. I wasn't close with God, and I didn't know how to fix it. So instead, I fixed everything else that i could. I threw myself into my friendships and schoolwork, and got all A's and B's that year. But I was still angry with God. I couldn't just accept that he would allow me to be in so much pain every day. For the whole year, my pain was an average of 7/10. I had a few days where it was a 5/10, but also days where it was a 9.5/10. I haven't had a day with 0/10 since July of 2013. I was burnt out. I was tired of fighting, but I knew that if I stopped fighting, my life would fall apart. I would fail my classes, drop out of Davis, and have to move back home. So, I kept fighting. Also during this time, in December of 2016, I started seeing the adult doctor at the UCSF headache center. This doctor could continue my hospital treatments and also start a new treatment, Botox injections, in November of 2016. Unfortunately, it would take 9-12 months (3-4 treatments, given every 3 months) before the treatment would kick in, if it was even going to work. Somehow, during Spring Quarter, I realized that I couldn't fight on my own anymore. I started talking to God more and really searching for him in my everyday life. I looked for the good in the pain, and tried to let Him fight my battles for me. Also during Spring Quarter, I took a heavier course load, which was scary. I expected at least one C. Instead, I got straight A's. I also felt more connected to my Catalyst church family, even though I barely went to the Thursday night services and only went to church about twice a month. This summer, my goal was to find God again and continue on my path upwards.

It's no coincidence that my daily pain level didn't get better until I fixed my relationship with God. The second I decided to stop fighting and let God fight my battles for me, my pain eased up. During August, I had two days where I had a pain level of 3/10 that lasted for half of the day. Unfortunately, a few days later, it was back to an 8/10, but I was and am ecstatic for those days of 3/10. I honestly forgot what it's like to not be in pain. Because I have been in pain for four years now, I have an ever stronger pain tolerance. I get shots in my head that I used to almost pass out because of the pain, but now I just squeeze my mom's hand and grit my teeth, and the pain goes away after the shots are over. As of 3 months ago, I have gotten a set of shots in my head every month. The botox is 31 injections, and for the two months in between botox treatments, I get four shots in my head (a greater occipital nerve block) and another treatment of lidocaine in the middle of my head through catheters in my nose (a sphenopalatine ganglion nerve block). While my daily pain is still a 6/10, this is extremely manageable for me. My life the past two months has been so much fuller because of this and because of my strengthened relationship with God. While I am thrilled that my pain is trending downward, I am also terrified. I am scared of getting attached to this lower pain level, then that it will start getting worse again. Honestly, that would break my heart. It's strange because even though I'm not afraid of pain because I experience it every day, I am also terrified of it. I am afraid of it controlling my life and dragging me down and away from God again. I am afraid of it blinding me and keeping me from where God wants me to be. I am also afraid of my fear controlling my life. But through the fear, I hear God telling me "to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.'" Isaiah 35:4

You're probably wondering why I am repeating my whole story for you, and this is why... Looking back, I see that instead of this pain making me hate God and tearing me from His side, it has actually strengthened my relationship with Him. It has also given me more confidence and allowed me to form deep connections with those in my life. Also, as soon as I turned to God and gave up fighting the pain all on my own, my pain eased, even though it only lasted two days. For those of you with chronic pain, you know how amazing and rare two good days in a row are. They are the light in the dark, your hope for a better future.

My new goal for this quarter is to be able to release my fears and give them to God. I know that my family, friends, and Catalyst family in Christ are here for me, but I have this tendency of dealing with things on my own and keeping the burden all on me. Even though I know God says that if I give him my burdens, I will get rest in return, and my burden will be light, I am afraid to relinquish what little control I have. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest... For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30.

I want to take this time to thank each and every one of you who prays for me and keeps me in your hearts and minds. I want to thank my family and friends for being there for me through the good times and the bad. Words cannot describe how much I appreciate you. I thank God for you every day.

Love always,

Sierra

To Sit with God

This verse is the philosophy behind my blog:

"But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do." Psalms 73:28

I started this blog to tell people about God's love through telling them how He has revealed himself to me in my life. In order to do this, I need to see God in my life. About a year and a half ago, my doctor told me that my chronic migraines are likely never going to go away. Ever since that day, I have struggled to see God. I realize now that. at that doctor's appointment, I put up the walls to my heart and have rarely opened them since then. I have closed myself off from God, my grief, my love for my friends and family, and my dreams. I haven't stopped loving God or my friends and family. I haven't been depressed, even when I'm grieving. I have been using the skills my therapist has taught me to process my emotions without giving myself more physical or emotional pain. But I've been doing everything on my own. I rarely even went to friends or family for help or guidance, and I stopped going to God. I was going through the motions of my life without really living it. I still am, actually. The difference now, though, is that I'm aware I'm on the wrong path. Now I just need to find the right one.

This 2017-2018 school year, I am the leader of the greeting team for my college fellowship group, Catalyst. The greeting team is a group of volunteers who are a part of Catalyst and want to help other people get connected to a community of love and faith. My goal is that the greeting team and I will be able to show God's love and bring Him to everyone who walks through the doors for Catalyst events, whether it be a taco party or a worship night. One of the books we are reading this summer to prepare for this task is called Sit, Walk, Stand: The Process of Christian Maturity by Watchman Nee. It studies the Epistle of Paul to the Ephesians, in which Paul discusses the path of Christianity, one that is only possible through Jesus Christ. Paul reminds us of the incredible sacrifice that God and Jesus made so that we can sit with Him. WE HAVE NOT EARNED IT. "For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated wus with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:6 The first chapter of Watchman Nee's book is about this specific grace of God, that allows us to sit with Him. I love to sit. I sit and watch movies, sit and talk with friends, sit and eat, sit in class, sit and knit, so on and so forth... but through reading this book, I learned that I have never sat with God. According to Paul, we receive God's love and guidance while we are sitting with God. This means that we don't fight the world, we sit with God, putting all our faith, trust, and weight into Him, and let Him fight it. I've been pushing God aside and fighting the world on my own. In particular, I've been fighting my migraines on my own. I keep track of my medicine, go to every appointment, get a hospital treatment every 3-6 months, and manage the anxiety that comes along with all of that. At the same time, I am going to school, doing homework, spending time with friends and family, and trying to figure out what I want for my future.

This verse is who I have been for the past few years:

"Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant- I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you." Psalms 73:21-22

I've been living my life all by myself for a few years now, but it hasn't satisfied me. I always feel like something is missing. I go to church, pray to God, read my bible, and spend time with God, so I told myself it wasn't God I was missing, because I have Him. He is always with me, ever since I accepted Him into my heart. But I haven't been letting Him guide me. I've been making the decisions and He has been following me. I have been thinking I know better than God does. Which is completely ridiculous, I know, but it's also a very human thought. I think it's something that we all struggle with, and don't like admitting to. I don't yet know exactly how I can fix my life, because I am not doing the planning. I'm trying to sit on God's lap and let Him tell me what to do next.

This verse is who I want to be:

"My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalms 73:26

The only way I can reach this goal is by letting go of my control and letting God take over. To quote Watchman Nee, "God is waiting til you CEASE TO DO". (Sit, Walk, Stand pg. 11) 

Love always,

Sierra