Reactions

So I'm the kind of person to see a problem in my life and try to fix it. I usually end up trying so hard to fix it that once it's no longer a problem, I don't enjoy it cause I'm just exhausted. This is what I do and I've accepted that because I can handle it. I can handle it because it's in my control. When it comes down to it, I choose how I react to things. For a long time, I only thought it was possible to choose your physical actions like cleaning your room, talking to a troubled friend, doing your homework, etc. What I have since learned is that you have the ability to control every single reaction that you have, the key word there being "ability." I also have the ability to train for a triathlon or learn to speak German, but I can't even run a mile without crying or say anything other than thank you, which is "danke shun" by the way, (and I probably spelled it wrong.) The one thing I don't have the ability to do is live without migraines. My body physically cannot function without them. I like to blame myself for the troubles in my life, and so I say to myself, "if only you had tried harder..." "You should have stopped this before it got too far..." Blah blah blah. Another thing I've accepted about myself. Because I've accepted this, I don't know how to accept the migraines, that there is literally nothing I could have ever done that would have prevented the pain I have felt, am feeling, and will continue to feel for the rest of my life. I still continue to fight that fact. I don't want to accept that I'm going to have to deal with this shit for the rest of my life. (Excuse my language, I never ever cuss unless the situation is worthy, and I think this situation definitely is worthy of a little swearing.) Even though I am surrounded by wonderful people who love me and will do anything to help me, I often feel alone. Nobody can share this burden with me. My dad is a goofy guy, and to cheer me up when my head is really bad, he comes over to me, puts his hand on my head, and makes a suction noise with his mouth, then he puts his hand on his own head and says "I sucked the pain out of your head and put it in mine." While this doesn't physically work, it usually emotionally works a little bit because it's a reminder that I'm not alone. Here comes another cheesy feel good yet valid line: You are not alone. You are never alone, even though it may feel like you are. Even when you cannot feel Him, God is there. 

Usually, when you can't feel God, it's because you've lost a little bit of your spirit. You've given up, whether momentarily or permanently, so you are more susceptible to negative thoughts. In that negative moment, I'm sorry to say this, but you probably are not going to have the will to make yourself feel better. In those moments, God sends a messenger to comfort you. Today, I'm not going to talk about the rock bottom part of the process of life. Instead, I'm going to talk about the path towards rock bottom and how you can lead yourself back uphill instead of downhill. Too many metaphors for you..? In simple terms, I'm going to introduce you to the process your brain goes through when it reacts to something in your life. To start off, I'll use an example. In the past two to three months, my headache has been completely unpredictable and has not reached a pain level lower than a 6. This week or next week, the medicine from the hospital should be kicking in and starting to make my pain more manageable a little bit at a time. Two days ago, my pain was all over the place for the whole day, ranging from a 6 to a 9. The first time the pain lowered to a 6, I was excited because I hoped it meant the medicine was finally working. When it jumped back up to an 8 not long later, I thought of it as a fluke. As the day went on and the pain kept fluctuating, I stopped getting excited when the pain was less and didn't expect it to last. We'll call this feeling 1. Feeling 1 is the automatic reaction my brain had to the day. That automatic feeling, you can't control, but every reactionary feeling after that, you can. Feeling 1 brought up Feeling 2, which was frustration because the pain wasn't better. When I noticed this feeling, I stopped and said to myself, "now wait a minute. A week ago you didn't even have moments where your pain was a 6. A 6 is a blessing. Be thankful." I have been practicing for a while now, so feeling 2 is the healthy response to feeling 1. 6 months ago, my feeling 2 would have still been frustration, but that frustration would've led to sadness, anger, depression, annoyance, the list goes on and on until I ended up on the couch with an ice pack crying while watching tangled. 

Trying to retrain your brain to be able to stop and think about your emotions is hard work. I've been at it for 6 months and I still kinda suck at it. All that you need to do to start is notice how you react to things. You don't even have to think about the emotions, just look at them, acknowledge them, and see what comes next. Also, you don't have to have an illness or injury to retrain your brain. Everybody's brain could use a little TLC. 

“So that you may live... bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.”

Colossians 1:10-12 NIV

Love always,

Sierra

P.S. If you ever need help with your brain, God is an expert on the brain. I mean, he did create it and all... ;)

Disney One-Liners

I decided to make this post a little different than my others. Instead of bible verses, I will be using Disney quotes. Wisdom and inspiration can come from the most random things in life, and for me, Disney is a bright example of that.
"The past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it." -Rafiki
Yesterday, I saw my counselor (we'll call her Si) for the first time since the hospital. That woman and I are like the same person in different bodies. She is a nerd, talks a lot, and is passionate about her work... Sound like anyone we know? Well, a few months ago, Si found a good way of categorizing the emotional side effects of having chronic migraines. My migraine causes me grief. Not grief like troubles, but grief like the feeling you have when a loved one dies. My old self died when my migraine started. Typically, there are stages of grief, and healthy grieving is moving slowly but steadily onward through these stages. I will use Elizabeth Ross's "stages" of grief:
1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance
When dealing with a loss of a person, a job, a pet, etc., healthy grieving is going through the stages one by one, only moving forward. With my grief, I have gone through each stage multiple times, which would be considered unhealthy if I was grieving like most people. Grief typically describes the feeling that you get as a result of one singular event. If you look at the past two years and next few years to come as a singular event, then I should go through the stages of grief when my daily migraine ends. This seems logical, right?... Well it also brings up the question of how I should be feeling in the five years the broadly singular event is occurring. I've decided that nothing about my situation can be considered normal. I cannot live like a normal person. I cannot be a normal person, so why do I feel the need to grieve like a normal person? Probably because it is just human nature, but that still doesn't help me know how to grieve in a healthy way. I guess I should say why I need to grieve healthily, huh? Well the way I see it is every day I have a giant unhealthy problem in my life, so being unhealthy in any other area of my life would just make life all the more difficult. You may also be wondering why I am sharing this with all of you, how this could relate to your life. All too often, people try to put themselves in the same category as others because nobody likes to be alone, particularly in tough situations. Even though you may not have migraines, physical pain, or pain every day, you do not have to grieve like everybody else. However, if you have suffered a singular loss, do try to stay in the norm, for your own sake.
"I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now." -Edna Mode
Just like Rafiki, Edna understands the importance of living in the present. Sometimes, I do not want to live in the present, because in the present moment, I am in a lot of pain. I try to distract myself, usually by watching tv, talking with friends and family, or listening to music. These distractions help me continue living in the present. When I am not easily distracted because of the higher level of pain, I tend to live in the past. I think of where I could be if I hadn't gotten migraines and start wishing my life was different. Wishing your life was different does not actually change anything... In fact, it makes the present moment worse. When this happens, and I head even further down the downwards spiral, I move to the depression stage. I am constantly moving between the stages of grief, and living in the past pushes me in a negative direction. For me, healthy grieving is steadily moving through the stages, but I do not always have to move from 1 to 5 to be in a healthy place. Any of you dealing with daily pain of some sort are in the same boat as me. Don't feel the need to be like everybody else and make it to the acceptance stage as quickly as possible. For those of you with lifelong issues like migraines, the acceptance stage is neverending. You will never fully move past your pain, because it is part of your daily life, whether you actually feel the pain daily or not. Having a lifelong problem is scary. There will be times when you think you cannot make it any further in your journey. That, you are just going to have to accept. You will not always be happy, but then again, nobody is happy 100% of the time. Honestly, you might never be happy even 50% of the time, but it does not matter how often or how long you are happy. Only the quality of your happiness is important.
"Remember you're the one who can fill the world with sunshine." -Snow White
I have faith in you. You are strong enough to make it through your life just the way it is. This is a fact. God does not give you things you cannot handle, but you must choose to fight. You are strong enough, but I could never convince you of that. You have to convince yourself that you are strong enough to make it through every single moment of your life. Never forget that you are never alone.
"Promise me you'll always remember you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." -Winnie the Pooh
Love always,
Sierra

The Future

Sorry for the ominous title but I couldn't help myself... ;) Most of us spend too much time in our lives thinking about the future instead of enjoying the present, and I am no exception. Part of having a headache every day is learning how to manage and balance everything in your life. I have an endless list of things that I want to do. I have plans for my future- near and far. I want to become a doctor, a fun doctor, that kids enjoy seeing. I don't want kids to enjoy seeing me because it will make me feel good, but because it will make their experience in the hospital a bearable one instead of a traumatic one. I want to be "the doctor who prays with you" in the hospital that I end up working in. I want to enjoy my time at college in every way possible, from my roommate to my campus experience. I want to own horses and 20 dogs, all rescued from the shelter. I want to own cats, even though I am allergic to them, that will live outside in the barn eating the mice that appear. I want to be a wife, mother, grandmother, and great grandmother before I die... I could go on forever. These are all daydreams that I escape to when I'm lying in bed at night, waiting to fall asleep. I'm sure each of you has your own daydreams that you escape to, and they are wonderful, am I right?!! I don't know about all of you, but often times when I am daydreaming, I hear a little voice in the back of my head telling me it's not possible. A part of me is tired of reaching for the stars and falling short. When high school ended, I saw brighter days in my near future. So far, I have not had many bright days. The majority of my summer has been spent lying around with an ice pack on my head. Some of you know exactly what that feels like, the feeling of helplessness as you hope and hope for better days that seem to never come. You don't have to have headaches to feel that way. People feel helpless because of multiple reasons: a job they hate but need, an abusive relationship, the loss of a loved one, a disability... Feeling trapped is one of the worst feelings in the world, and sometimes, it cannot be helped. In those situations, we look for someone to blame, even if one cannot be found. We spend time and energy fighting tooth and nail when we should be surrendering. Surrender is seen as failure because of all the war our world has seen. In war, surrender is the last option, even though it could save lives. In war, surrendering IS failing. In life, surrendering is winning, if you do it correctly. I am in no way telling you to surrender to your hardship. Keep on fighting with all of your heart. All that I suggest is fighting with the strongest ally by your side. When you surrender, you reveal your weaknesses. When you surrender to God, He compliments your weaknesses. Where you are weak, He is strong. He will fight with you, for you. When you stumble and fall, He has your back. It is easy to forget just how powerful God is. I know I forget, and even doubt it, but God always reminds me of His power. Right now, I am reminding you. God is your ally, one whose strength is never failing, who will never betray you and always love you, who will protect you and guide you. He is there.
"If you listen carefully to what he says and do all that I say, I will be an enemy to your enemies and will oppose those who oppose you."
Exodus 23:22
Love always,
Sierra

Short but Sweet

I only have time and energy for a quick little post tonight since it's past my bedtime... But I wanted to share that I am having fun summer times right now :) I'm at college orientation!! Meeting new people in my major and in others, reconsidering marching band, learning about horseback riding lessons, and getting ready to register for classes tomorrow!!! Eep!!! I'm registering for college tomorrow!!! 

I've been having moments of weakness in which my pain is overwhelming, so I get frustrated and sad. Because most of the other people here right now are registering for classes based on their preferences alone. I have to register based on my preferences and needs. My needs aren't always my wants... But that's life I guess. Also though, I've been seeing God today. I got a ride to one of the activities for the day, which helped a lot. I got an ice pack, albeit a makeshift awkward one, but still ice. I've found a good group of girls to hang out with and possibly study with in the near future! I have heard a lot today about how lots of people on campus are here ready and willing to help. The campus is with me. The Aggies are with me. God is with me. I can feel him filling my "God-shaped hole" right this second, and that is all the comfort and reassurance I need for now. 

To recap, I am having a great time and I cannot wait to be a permanent Aggie!! 

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."

Psalm 46:1

Love always,

Sierra

Perspective Isn't Everything

It has been too long since I posted, but I have had a crappy couple of days... I forgot that the week after being in the hospital is almost worse than actually being in the hospital. While I was in the hospital, I was expected to be in bed for most of the time, so I was more comfortable with just sitting and doing nothing while others were working around me. Since I've been home, I have not had much energy at all, but the rest of my family is still busy with work, chores, and life. While they have been cleaning, roofing (yes roofing, we are remodeling the patio), and hanging out with friends, I have been sitting doing nothing. It is nice to get out of doing the work, but at the same time, I feel guilty that I haven't been able to help. Last night was a low point emotionally for me, because I missed out on something other than cleaning. At 9:15 last night, my sister and her friend spontaneously decided to have a sleepover, so at 9:30, her friend was suddenly at my house. I LOVE spontaneous sleepovers! Usually when one of my sisters and I has friends over for a sleepover, we all get to hang out and stay up late together. Last night, I didn't get to hang out with them. When her friend came over, I was in bed... When I think about it, I am not actually all that disappointed that I didn't get to stay up late with our friend. I am actually disappointed because this is the summer of my freedom. My sisters have to start school in a few weeks, and I have two whole months left! Summer! Summer is staying up late watching chick flicks with your best friends, having pool parties and cupcake baking days, going on dates with your boyfriend, and having as much fun as possible. My summer is different than that though, and I hate that. I hate that I was in the hospital last week instead of hanging out with my friends. I hate that I am probably going to have to miss my best friend's birthday party this weekend because I will be exhausted. I hate that I have to go to bed early because I don't want to be awake and in pain anymore. Sometimes, I even feel like I hate God. After I am done saying everything that I hate about my life right now, (which I do too often), I tell myself to stop complaining because "it could be worse." I could have been in the hospital getting a cancer treatment instead of a migraine treatment. I could have had a seizure and almost died. I could have had this or that or this or... Yes. My life could be worse. I have realized that thinking "it could be worse" does not make me feel better at all, because I can't imagine being in a worse situation than the one I'm in right now. That is not because my situation is hell, but because I'm human. It is hard to accept the fact that sometimes, you just have to bear the pain. I do not get angry with God for the pain, but for my inability to affect the pain. I get angry that I am forced to accept the fact that I am in daily pain. In those times, it is hard for me to turn to God on my own, so God sends me a reminder. Sometimes it feels like I have a "Reminder" app on my phone that God controls, because when I have lost my way, someone finds me and leads me to God. The other day, my head was very bad, and I was frustrated. Then, I saw an email from my grandma saying that she bought me a book that she thought I would enjoy and that will deepen my understanding of God, and realized that I should pray to God. I thanked God for the reminder and asked him for help with my pain, and I felt a little better. For me, a little better is good enough.
Thinking that life could be worse shouldn't lift your burdens, and don't let anybody else tell you differently. Sometimes, burdens cannot be lifted, and you have to learn to carry the burden, no matter how much you don't want to. My goal is to bear pain skillfully, not to pretend that it is not there. One of the ways I bear the pain is by distracting myself, by watching Supernatural or RomComs or action movies or whatsoever. Just because I spend time with these distractions does not mean that their content influences my life in a negative way. Also, just because you do not have headaches every day does not mean that you don't deserve distractions as well. Don't use the excuse of "my life could be worse" to keep persevering when your hope and energy is expunged. That is no way to live. Everybody needs their own distractions and breaks from the hard parts of life, and doing so does not make you weak in any way, it just proves that you're human. Sometimes, being human sucks, but other times, you get to have sleepovers and pool parties. My party time will come in time, as will yours.
I have mentioned more than once that I have been watching the show Supernatural, which I am completely obsessed with by the way. At first, I felt guilty about watching it because it is a show about demons, monsters, hellhounds, and other evil things, but then in a later season, angels were introduced. So, my guilt was lifted because angels are heavenly, and therefore coincide with my faith. But, the show still includes demons and implies that God does not care about humanity and that angels are jealous of humans. So, the guilt remained. Just today actually, I realized that I do not watch Supernatural because I agree with its implications about life. I watch it and other shows and movies because of their subtle clues about humanity. Romance movies show that love is possible in ways beyond your soul mate; that before you can love another person, you first have to love yourself. Supernatural gives examples of how perspective creates compassion and empathy, not relief from pain, and America's Funniest Home Videos just makes me laugh. Everybody has to learn how to bear pain skillfully, and hopefully I can help others bear their pain whether it is like mine or not.
"Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well."
3 John 1:2
Love always,
Sierra

Day Six

I'm finally home!!! Well I got home earlier today and slept for a long time but now I'm awake and ready to share! My last infusion of DHE was at 6:30 this morning, and luckily I slept through most of it and didn't wake up nauseous. So when I woke up, my mom offered to get me a coffee, which I accepted of course. Then I ordered breakfast: pancakes and string cheese. By the time breakfast came, an hour later, I had gotten the PICC line removed and was just waiting for the paperwork to be discharged. Getting the tube out of my arm was a little bit uncomfortable... But cool at the same time! Now to start off, when I say "tube," the image that pops into my head is a PVC pipe. The tube in my vein was much much much smaller than that of course. So you have a visual, the tube's diameter was about 2 times smaller than that of the cords used on Apple headphones. Now here comes the cool part. You don't have nerves inside your veins, so I didn't feel the tube in my arm. All I felt was the tube pulling at the site it was inserted. It kinda stung, and was sore when she pressed gauze on it to stop it from bleeding. The cool part was that in order for the tube to come out easily, I had to hum while she was pulling it out. Sounds strange right? Well it's actually pretty cool why I needed to hum. When you breathe in, your lungs expand to let the air in, so it forms a sort of vacuum inside you. The rest of your body is then a small part of that vacuum, and sucks in as well. You can guess why I would not want the tube to be sucked back into my arm... The second the tube touched the outside air, it has the possibility to obtain germs that would then be passed right into my bloodstream if it went back inside my vein. So, humming is a way for the doctor to know for sure that I am breathing out, pushing the air out of me, forming a backwards vacuum, guiding the tube outside of my body. When I hummed, she (the doctor) gently pulled. 

When that was all done, I ate my breakfast, drank my coffee, and changed into a comfy outfit for the drive home. Usually I don't fall asleep in cars, and if I do, it's when I'm stretched all the way out in the very backseat with a blanket and pillows. Today, I slept almost the whole ride home with my head slumped over onto my arms, which were on the armrest. Then, I ate Taco Bell at home and took a nap. When I woke up, I watched more supernatural then we got Japanese food for dinner. Then I went to bed at 8:00 and woke up just a little bit ago, with enough energy to post. Then I will be sleeping some more. Even though I just sat there while I was in the hospital, I'm exhausted. I knew I would be, but I didn't realize  just how exhausted I would be. I'm mentally, physically, socially, and emotionally exhausted. I am going to have to build up my strength, because I can barely lift my laptop without being tired afterwards. Luckily, I've got nothing better to do than rest up this week, hopefully with some friends for part of the time too. 

Thank you all for your prayers, they carried me through the hospital and continue to carry me now. I think I'm gonna sleep now though.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

Love always, 

Sierra

Day Five

Finally!!! I'm almost done. I'm getting my second to last DHE infusion right now and I'm happy that it's almost over but not happy that I'm having this. Today was kind of a sucky day... I started off feeling pretty good! Then I started going downhill in the afternoon. Half an hour into my 2:30 PM infusion, I starting having pretty bad nausea. So, I took some Tums and waited another 20 minutes... Then called and asked for some nausea rescue medicine. Somehow my request was lost in communication, so 45 minutes later I still did not have relief from the nausea. When we called to ask what was taking so long, we realized that it had never been ordered. So I got to wait another hour for medicine. In the meantime, I watched supernatural. Usually watching an interesting movie or tv show distracts me well enough for a good enough period of time. Today I was just overwhelmed with different uncomfortable feelings... But later I realized that I was being proactive beyond just supernatural. I used a technique my counselor taught me, called "cut the cord." This technique helps me when my pain is overwhelming and I can't seem to do anything but think about it, complain about it, and cry about it, all three of which make the pain worse. So, "cut the cord" is the method i use when distraction alone isn't enough. What I do is when a thought comes up that sends me down the sad I have migraines road is I acknowledge the thought, determine whether thinking about it will send me in a good or bad direction, then act accordingly. Cut the cord is the action of acknowledging then moving on. Sometimes life seems like it needs a "cut the cord" moment. The moments that you lose hope, just stop thinking about feeling hopeless. Cause the second you stop thinking about it, hope returns. That is because God is waiting for you to stop fighting your battles on your own. He is hope. He is our hope. Our only hope. God's middle name is hope. Losing hope is easy. Getting it back is the hard part... Trust me, I speak from experience. I also happen to know that the second you ask for His support, God is there. Just keep the faith. 

"When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, He asked him, 'Do you want to get well'"

John 5:6

Love always,

Sierra 

Day Four

Okay so I am in the hospital right now but I am having so much fun learning!! Yesterday afternoon, I got to talk to a medical student currently enrolled in her third year at UCSF, and I really got the inside scoop on medical school. I was afraid that med school was going to suck and be all work and no play, but the "all work" part only lasts for the first two years. After that bookwork is done comes the play! In this case, shadowing doctors and doing hands on work with patients as well as researching the field you are interested in. Also, tomorrow I get to learn how to test the cranial nerves, because she is going to come teach me! So all in all, after talking with her, I am not as scared of medical school. Today I also got to talk to a resident here at the hospital to see another point of view on the whole process of becoming a doctor. So I know that to become a doctor, you need 4 years of undergrad, 4 years of medical school, and up to 5 years of residency and possibly fellowship. Until recently, I did not know what each phase of the process looked like. Today I learned that not only do you get to do hands on learning for the past two years of med school, but for your residency, you are an MD. You do not have the authority of a fully certified MD, but you still get to see patients and act like a fully certified doctor. During your residency, you see patients and treat them how you see fit, with the approval of the doctor above you. So basically, you're a doctor without the fancy shmancy certificate saying you're certified. This came as a huge relief. Also, it is completely possible and realistic to need a break between undergrad and med school, so even if I do not come out of undergrad raring to go to med school, I can still become a doctor.
I also learned about the PA, Physician's Assistant, and its increasing prestige in the world of medicine. As a patient, the common view is to see a PA as a lesser version of a doctor because they don't have the "MD" and went through less schooling. Now with the inside scoop from a resident MD, I know that a PA is in no way lesser than a doctor. The difference is that a PA only has two years of post undergrad education, and PA's do not specialize in any way, so they could work in different departments, like Pediatric Neurology, then Oncology, then back to Pediatrics, and so on, or they could continue in one area in particular. PA's technically still have to work beneath a doctor, but they function in the clinic, hospital, home, etc. in the same manner as a doctor.
Now to how my day went today! Well, it was a hospital day made as wonderful as possible because of my amazing support system. My best friend and her mom, who is my mom's best friend, came and spent the day with my mom and I. My friend and I colored, talked, and watched Netflix, as well as playing the weekly hospital round of BINGO, and my mom got to get out of the hospital for a little bit. It is almost harder for moms to be in the hospital, because they have to watch their babies go through things babies should not have to go through. I say "babies" because in a mom's eyes, we never grow up. We are always their babies. Which, I guess is fine, embarrassing, but at the same time comforting. It has been wonderful having my mom with me here in the hospital because moms always make you feel better. Granted, I have felt a lot better yesterday and today rather than Tuesday, but I have still had my tight spots. My head has been up and down and my nausea level is increasing a little bit, but all is being handled as best as is possible. I am exhausted yet again tonight, and very much ready to go home... but only two more days. Well, one and a half... but two more days until I get home, considering it takes almost three hours to get home. Moving on now...
Sorry again if this information bores you, so I do not mind one bit if you just skimmed through my first two paragraphs, but here comes the fun part. We have free will. Yes, God has a plan for us and He knows which paths we are going to choose, but we do not choose those paths because He planned for us to do so. He knows the past, current, and future plans that we choose because He sees our hearts. He knows the obstacles that will come at us as well as the things that will help us, and He knows how we will react based on our character. So, yes, God has planned out what your life will look like. But that is not because He chose for you. That is what free will is. It is what gives us the ability to choose between a doctor and a PA for our future jobs, the choice to go to the hospital or not, the choice to go to parties and have fun or stay home and study, and He does not judge us either way. This is another thing that is comforting to me, because it proves God's love for us. If it hadn't already been proven to you by Jesus' death and resurrection, the Bible, miracles, etc., then God's love can be proven in our right to free will. God willingly gives us our will. We never have to fight him, because He backs us up no matter what choice we make. This is because his love is everlasting and unconditional. It is unfathomable to our human minds just how deep his love is. Don't try to understand it or make it logical, because that isn't the point. I am a total science geek, so like aliens, sure they can exist, but I won't believe that they do until I see lots of hard evidence, but that is just not how God works. A relationship with God is built entirely on faith. Faith is believing in something when all the evidence points against it. It is a gut instinct that some people try to bury because it is illogical. I don't know about you, but sometimes I do not trust my gut instinct, so I end up making a different decision, ultimately a wrong one. For some reason, I continue not trusting my gut instinct even though it has proven to be reliable for the most part. I do the same thing with God sometimes, I try to understand it and make it logical, but then I stop myself and remind myself that it wouldn't be faith if I could understand it. Faith is one thing you cannot force upon other people. So, I do not want to force faith in God onto you, but I do ask that you take a moment to understand that faith in God defies all logic and human understanding, and that is what makes it so darn amazing.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1
Love always,
Sierra

Day Three... Sorta

I clearly have gotten a bit behind in posting, but I am going to play the "hospital card" because I was exhausted last night. Being in the hospital is just plain exhausting. Even though I just lay in a bed all day, I am constantly doing something. I feel like I have talked about this before, but I am too tired to remember... which is ironic. But anyways, I am always busy. I wake up, order breakfast, and my nurse comes in to give me my morning medicine. I am usually fed, awake, and alert by 10:00, at which point my mom and I go for a walk around the hospital. We like going just around my floor exploring and watching the hospital robots move all on their own, stand on the glass floor (well I stand on it and my mom stands on the floor below it) and wave to each other, walk around the outside garden, explore another floor, and/or other activities such as these. I walk really slowly because I am tired and a little weak, so we walk for about 15-20 minutes total, not getting far and not doing much. It's nice to spice it up a bit with a new place to walk to, but we only do one at a time. There are activities going on around the Pediatrics department like the media room, art therapy, music therapy, the teen lounge, etc. but not many of them interest me enough for me to spend my energy on. Yesterday, my mom and I had company on our morning walk, because my grandparents came for a while, morning to early afternoon. It was really nice for my mom and I to have some more company. After our walk, we chatted, then I got tired, so we watched Frozen! My grandma had never seen it, so that along with my love for it made it the perfect movie to watch! They also got to stay for lunch and experience the surprisingly yummy hospital food, and then we chatted some more, and they left so I could get a massage. Unfortunately, the massage lady and I had a misunderstanding so she didn't show up when I was expecting her, and while I was waiting, I took a nap. Even though I didn't fully fall asleep, that rest time really helped me get through the rest of the day. I fell asleep as I was waiting for my boyfriend to come, and I slept past the time he got here, but luckily he is sweet and patient and my mom kept him occupied giving him a tour of the floor. I woke up and started pushing the button to raise my bed into a sitting position, and saw him and my mom peek through the window in my door. I guess they had come by a few other times, peeking in when I was asleep... but oh well I needed the nap. So for the rest of the afternoon, I watched movies with him and my mom, went on our usual afternoon walk or two, and had dinner with him. After dinner, we went for a walk just the two of us before he had to leave, and that fifteen minutes was the best part of my week so far. It never ceases to amaze me how just being next to him makes me feel better. Every time I stop and think about that, I thank God for him. I don't know where I would be without him... but I definitely would not be this happy. Somehow, my headaches drew us together, and no matter how life ends up, I am thankful that I have him now.
Now that I have started down this path of thankfulness, I must venture on. Through my headaches, I have met and become close with people who otherwise would never have been as big of a part or even a part of my lives otherwise. This is another way that God makes good out of bad. Like I've said before, I don't think God chooses to give certain people bad things. Satan gives bad to everybody, and God uses His power to only allow the amount of suffering that you can handle. When people hear about my migraines, I often get the response of "wow that all sucks but to have to be dealing with it at 17... that's just worse." I don't really agree with that though, because God has a plan for me. I have big goals. All of the data from all the other girls who have started getting migraines around the same age I did, when they get past the puberty stage into early 20's, the migraines die down and become much more manageable. So, with my big goals in mind, and also thinking of the big picture of my life, now is the best time for me to have a headache every day. God gave me the courage, passion, drive, all the qualities I needed to succeed in high school, because I have succeeded. I am going to my college. The college I want to go to. All because God has blessed me with the personality to make it through this time as well as the support system I need to compliment my personality. I am forever grateful for those who have prayed for me, are praying for me, and will continue praying for me. People I don't even know personally are praying for me, and I find that amazing. The only reason I have so many people praying for me is because of my immediate support system. My church is wonderful, in the members as well as the symbol. MCC (Our church name) = Mission. Christ. Community. All three of which I need, all three of which I have. I have the mission to someday become a doctor and impact peoples lives in the same way my doctors have in mine. I have Christ in my heart, my family, my world. Last and definitely not least, I have community. I have community in my family, who all pray for me, and ask their friends to pray for me as well. I have community in my friends, who have neverending support, love, and patience for me. I even have community in this hospital. God has handpicked each and every nurse that has been here for me, and every single one of them has been fabulous. Yes, I am currently in the hospital with a tube in my arm giving me medicine that makes me feel icky, but it is only temporary. Good things will come. Never forget that. Good things will always come.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Sierra

Day Two

So today was not as easy as yesterday... it all started last night. At 10:30 PM I got another dose of DHE, and at about midnight my chest started to feel uncomfortable, like there was a big weight pressing on my chest. I called my nurse in, and she checked my vitals, all of which were normal, then messaged the doctor on staff for the night. The doctor told her to pause the DHE until she came up to assess me, so it was paused for about 20 minutes. In that 20 minutes, my chest started to feel better, so the doctors agreed that the pressure and pain I felt was just my body having a completely healthy reaction to the DHE. They also said that the uncomfortable feeling should go away as my body gets more and more used to the DHE, which so far has been the case. While I have had some slight pressure during my two infusions so far today, it has not come near to the level it was at last night. Today I have also had a bit more trouble with the nausea. I have figured out that my stomach gets upset during the infusion and lasts for about half an hour afterwards as well. So, I took some tums and it is better now, so far at least...
Mostly though, my problem was with my head. It is ironic, but the DHE infusions can also induce a headache, or in my case, worsen a headache. Since my headaches are bad all on their own, today my pain level has been at a consistent 8, reaching a 9 multiple times. I could have taken medicine for it, but I did not want to. I don't like the feeling that the medicine gives me... I get woozy, weak, my head feels fuzzy, and I sleep for hours. I did not want to give in today in case tomorrow is even worse. One of the tricks with getting the best possible outcome from the treatment is taking care of me in the meantime. Even though I am used to just dealing with the nausea or pain, I should treat either or both in order for the DHE to work its magic properly. So, with that in mind, we are going to assess my headaches tomorrow and if they still are not better, I will be treated with the sleepy medicine. I am praying that it gets better tomorrow though, and I appreciate your prayers as well.
Sorry for all the technical sounding stuff if you don't find it interesting... Personally, I find it all fascinating! So fair warning, here comes a lesson type explanation of DHE, what it does and how it helps. One of the side effects is leg cramps, and it happens because of what the DHE does to my body. The DHE works for migraines because it constricts your blood vessels. Part of what causes migraines is the overload of nerve activity, which comes hand in hand with the blood pumping incorrectly. I'm not sure exactly how the blood vessels in my brain are working incorrectly, but I am guessing that it is because my blood vessels are overactive and that the blood pumps too quickly all throughout my brain. So, DHE constricts my blood vessels, guiding the blood to pump more regularly, therefore decreasing the nerve endings, then decreasing the pain. While it is amazing that it works so well to fix the blood vessels in my head, the rest of the blood vessels in my body are working perfectly 24/7. Unfortunately, the only way for me to get the infusion is for the DHE to pass all the way through my body, flowing from the PICC line into my heart, then down to my feet and hands and up to the tippy top of my head. When blood vessels constrict, blood clots become more likely. A blood clot is a small area in a blood vessel in which the blood starts to coagulate, kind of like when you get a cut and the blood dries on top of your skin, keeping any more blood from seeping out. Blood vessels are supposed to be able to move blood all around your body without any sort of hindrance, so blood clots are potentially very dangerous. Because of this, I take certain precautions. I move my arms even when I am sitting down watching a movie, to get a drink of water, color, text, etc., but I move my legs hardly at all when I am sitting down. Since my arms are moving often enough, the blood keeps flowing normally. If I just sat on my butt and watched movies all day, my leg muscles and blood vessels could cramp up so much that blood clots could form. It is still possible for me to get blood clots whether I go for walks or not, but it is much less likely for them to form if I go for a walk a few times a day. I don't have a lot of energy, so typically I just walk around my floor, go down the elevator to the garden, or explore another floor. I have not been on a walk longer than fifteen minutes at a time and probably will not be up to more than that much until a few weeks after I get home.
I am sharing this information because I have wonderful friends and family out there who want to know how I am doing. I am also sharing for anybody who might someday need a DHE treatment, be interested in neurology, or are just nerds like yours truly. I cannot explain any further why I am sharing, because I truly don't know any reasons beyond those. The only other reason I have is that God is telling me to share my story. I pray that He will be able to use my suffering to help others, whether they have a similar burden or not.
"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth."
2 Timothy 2:15
Love always,
Sierra

Day One

Well, I have officially started my treatment! One round of DHE is done and over with, and bearable as well. So far, not too much nausea, nothing I can't handle ;). The PICC line was seamlessly inserted by the same doctor who gave me my picc line last time! (we'll call her Dr. Picc) She remembered me, which I find amazing. Each of her work days is full of many different children, yet she still remembered me, from 6 months ago. She was my first glimpse of God in this hospital. It only took about 15 minutes to get my room assignment and go up to my floor on the elevator, and the first face I see in the halls is Dr. Picc. She saw me and stopped me to say oh hi! I remember you! I put your picc in in January. I'll see you soon!
As I have said in the past, I find the PICC line fascinating. The very first step is cleaning my whole upper left arm with antibacterial fluids and a sterile sponge and putting numbing cream on a small area of my arm. After about half an hour, Dr. Picc came back in to finish the process. The long process was started with her measuring the length from the crook of my elbow to the tip of my shoulder, then from the tip of my shoulder down to just above my sternum on the left side. This length is the length she cut the tube (that goes inside my vein) to be. Then, she looked at the vein with an ultrasound machine to make sure my vein didn't have any problems. I got to see my vein on the ultrasound machine!! It was so cool! Then comes a lot more sterilizing my arm, including using sterile gloves, gowns, towels, coverings, masks, hair nets... Throughout the rest of the process, half of my body was covered in blue sterile cloths, and every single object she used, down to the needle caps, was sterile. There was a hole just big enough to see my arm on the place the picc was going to be inserted. While looking at my vein on the ultrasound, Dr. Picc gave me a shot of lidocaine, all around the vein in my left upper arm. The lidocaine hurt... but not a lot and not for very long. After numbing the area, she poked my arm with a needle, still looking at my vein on the ultrasound. I watched the screen of the ultrasound, and watched as well as felt her poke into my vein with the needle. That also hurt, but just like a small pinch inside my arm. Then, a very thin wire was put into my vein through the needle. The wire is used to guide the tube into my vein, then once the tube is placed correctly, the wire is removed. In order to fit the tube into my arm, she needed to cut my skin a little bit. Before she made the small cut, she put a little more lidocaine in my arm. I honestly did not feel her cut my skin, which means the lidocaine did its job well. After the cut, the tube fit into my arm. Dr. Picc asked me to turn my head to the left and look down. I did this to help her guide the tube down the right pathway of veins. The proper placing of the tube is up through my shoulder then down near my heart. Sometimes, the tube takes a wrong turn and goes up into the neck. This is not a problem until fluids and medicines are introduced, so after the tube was all the way in my arm, Dr. Picc used the ultrasound again to look at the vein in my neck and make sure the tube wasn't up there. Mine wasn't, so she finished the process by putting the IV connections in place and taping everything in place. Just to make sure the tube was in the right spot in my chest, I got a chest X-Ray. Everything was set up and ready, IV fluids included, by 1:00.
Considering we woke up at 5:15 this morning, rode in the car for almost 3 hours, and have been busy in the hospital all day, my mom and I are exhausted. We continue seeing God in people, places, and even the technology that we have come in contact with. So far, my mom and I have met two tech guys, one of whom was from Ireland and the other had a similar accent, that we chatted with. Both of my nurses are smiley, chatty, and very kind. I have seen a few doctors who came around to introduce themselves and ask if I needed anything. I also had my first doctors rounds today. Every day around the same time, this week 3:00 PM, my neurologist enters my room with a trail of ducklings watching her every move. I am at a UC hospital, which means it is a teaching hospital, so there are lots of residents along with the doctors throughout the hospital. A team of about seven people will come by my room every day to see how I am doing. Today was more of a "hello" than anything, since I had only just started DHE when they came. Tomorrow, they will ask me questions about how my nausea, headache, leg cramps, etc. have been doing and what medicines I take to manage them. My neurologist mentioned to the group that I am going to UC Davis and when I told them I am majoring in Human Development, their faces all lit up with excitement for me. That is a very reassuring sign. My neurologist even commented that she hopes someday I will be back in this hospital working with her in Pediatrics.. another moment of God.
Now, I am going to relax, watch Supernatural, and drink my vanilla malt. I will get one more dosage of DHE tonight, at 10:30, then I am planning on going to bed. I really appreciate all of your prayers, support, and love.
“For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,  I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’  Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?  And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’  And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” Matthew 25:35-40
Love always,
Sierra

All to Jesus, I Surrender

As the time between me and the treatment decreases, the more panicked I expect myself to be. I expected myself to be worrying about the side effects, nervous, forgetting things, restless... but I am calm. Somehow, I am at peace with the coming treatment. Today at church, I had a wonderful moment with God. The moment I saw the lyrics on the screen and heard the familiar chords to "Our God Saves" by Paul Baloche, I felt God's hands on my shoulders. "Lord, we come. We're gathered together to lift up Your name. To call on our Savior, to fall on Your grace." Worship is a time to do just that. You and your church family comes together and opens their arms for God's presence.
Feeling God's presence is the most wonderful, powerful feeling in the world. When I think of the power of God's presence, I think of one moment in particular in which I felt God's embrace so strongly that I started crying tears of joy. The summer between my 8th and 9th grade years, I went on a five day trip to a youth conference, "CHIC," with my youth group. It was one of the best weeks of my life. We flew out to Tennessee and I shared a room with my best friend. We heard from lots of amazing speakers and learned a lot about God, ourselves, and faith in the rest of the world. One of the nights, Chris Tomlin was the headlining music performer. This conference was at a Texas university, and about 40,000 people were there in the stadium, every single one of them singing their heart out praising God. On this same night, the speaker gave an opportunity for everybody to ask God into their heart. That night was my favorite night. After the speaker prayed with those who wanted to accept God into their heart, she asked those people to stand so we all could celebrate and congratulate them. This time, when asked to stand, over half of the stadium stood, showing their newfound faith in Jesus Christ. I have heard a lot of these benediction prayers, and every time I pray along, asking God to bless these people and help keep them on His path to righteousness. After this moment, Chris Tomlin came back on stage to sing a song, the perfect song for that night. He sang "White Flag." For those of you who have not heard this song, you need to. That song continues to change my life today. It alludes to battle, when one side surrenders and raises a white flag. Life is a battle. I forget that life is not supposed to be easy. It is supposed to suck at times, because it reminds us that we do not belong here on Earth forever. That night, I raised my white flag to Christ. They also handed out handkerchief-sized white flags to every person who wanted one, and as we sang the song, I saw thousands of white flags raised to Christ Jesus. I tear up just thinking about the power I felt in that moment. Not only was I raising my white flag to surrender to God, but I was surrendering with my friends, people I love, and thousands of other strangers. It continues to remind me that I am not alone even here on Earth, that I am surrendering with my comrades of life.
Today during worship, I surrendered my battle to God. I surrender. I am done fighting myself tooth and nail to push through the pain and keep living my life. I am ready for this week to wipe my slate clean. The first time I was in the hospital, I did not want to share it with anybody besides close friends and family. I was embarrassed. Now, I am confessing it not only to God, but to the world, that I cannot do this alone. Every treatment, every hand that cares for me, is touched by God. Not only does God bless it, but each and every person who prays for me blesses my treatment. I am INCREDIBLY blessed. It feels strange saying this on the eve of a weeklong hospital stay, but it is true. I am blessed. You are blessed. I have learned that blessings only make a difference if you accept them. Do not wait as long as I did before you accept others' blessings on you. Prayer is a powerful and necessary part of your lives, whether you realize it or not. Somewhere, someone is praying for you. You may not even know the person, but you are still blessed by their prayers. I pray for each and every one of you, that you will accept God's blessing.
"Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to."
Deuteronomy 15:10
Love always,
Sierra

The Past Five Months

I had to do that title for this post because it reminds me of the movie The Last Five Years, and although it has nothing in common with my life, I could not resist alluding to it. Anna Kendrick is amazing. Jeremy Jordan is amazing. Both of them together in a Broadway show makes genius! I wish I could have sung songs that I made up on the spot about the past, because that would be freaking awesome!! Unfortunately, I can't sing and I am not creative in that way, hence this blog. Every time I hear a song that I love, I have the urge to sing to it... Since I am not a good singer I don't have the confidence to sing, and usually the urge to sing arrives when I am in public and it would be weird to start singing...
How does this relate to my headaches you may ask? I have been very impatient these last five months. All I wanted was for school to be over, for the pain to end... I gripe and whine way too much. Like "the boy who cried wolf," my excessive griping puts everything in my life at the same level of importance, not to God, but to myself. I am not a whiner in an outward way, but I whine all the time inside my head. I forget that I am not the only one who knows what I am thinking... that God hears my every word, every thought, sees every action or inaction... and He judges your character based on all of it. I don't mean judges in the worldly way, like judging people for their outward appearance, but in a faithful way. God is not trivial when it comes to our faith, so He will not hold your mistakes against you. I use this as an excuse to do things I shouldn't, like complain about being too lazy to get up and get myself my own cup of water from the kitchen. I whine about walking twenty feet to get ice and fresh clean water. Many places in the world, they walk over a mile to get water, and their water isn't even clean. I whine about my headaches in a similar way.
I know people personally who went through many more trials than I have ever been to and rarely complained. My uncle was one of those people... He had cancer three times and I never saw him without a smile on his face, even if he was confined to a hospital bed. I do not have his strength, but if I am stuck with migraines every day for the rest of my life, I will need his strength. I will need His strength. God's strength is the strongest thing in the universe. Yes I know that is redundant: "His strength is strong." But there is no other way to explain it... Every single aspect of God is strong. His love, His support, His mercy, His power, His embrace, His healing hand, His guidance... etc. Even though at times I lose my strength, God is there to back me up. This did not happen by accident... I asked God for help. I don't always remember in the tough moments to pray, but I have God in my heart, so even when I don't ask him to be there, He is there for me anyways. God is the perfect friend. The strongest friend you will ever find. Just like with our human friends, a friendship must give and take from both sides. If you continue with your faith in God, He will continue supporting you. Even if you walk away, God waits patiently for you to return to Him.
When you are going through a rough patch in life, it is easy to forget the things you do have. The past five months, I did not take enough time to give thanks. I was often reminded by friends or family how blessed I am, but when I am in a lot of pain it is hard for me to thank God. While Thanksgiving only comes once a year, thanksgiving should happen every day. I have a large wonderful family, amazing friends, food every day, a roof over my head, God's love, support from my church, prayers from people I don't even know... Take time to thank God for what you have, not for what you don't, and He will appreciate it. The typical point of view on God's actions is that once you repent/give thanks/ask for help, God takes away your burdens. Well, this is blackmail, and God does not blackmail... God gives you your burdens for the perfect amount of time. We are his masterpiece. Like sculpting, you start with a large, ugly, heavy block of stone. God shapes us with lots of time and work chipping away our worldly selves, leaving us with our holy selves. When a sculpture is done, it is put on display, to be appreciated by all. God displays us in heaven, but only if we let Him shape us. A sculpture cannot carve itself, and we cannot become holy alone. Life is rough, but Heaven is worth it. God is worth it. Never forget that.
"For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
Love always,
Sierra