Not Again...

"Not again. Not again. Really? Again? The same thing? This is bullcrap." has been running circles in my mind for the past two years, especially in these last few months. I have tried many different medications, and for each trial, I have to wait at least two months to see if it even works. I have gotten used to the pattern... medicine, no work, okay a new one. repeat x infinity (of course an exaggeration but my point is clear). Even though I go through this process every three to six months, I still hope that I will never have to deal with it again. So far, my hope has only lead to disappointment, because I still have searing pain daily. Granted, the searing part of the pain does not last 24/7, but it still happens too often for my taste. On a good day, my pain level (on a scale of 1-10) averages at a 6, with pain spikes reaching an 8. On a bad day, my pain level averages at an 8 and spikes to a 9. On a terrible day, my pain level averages at a 9.5 and spikes at an 11. I don't like using 10's. I feel like if I say my pain is at a level of 10, I am daring my head to hurt more. I am guessing that most of you have seen "The Fault in Our Stars," and I can relate to Hazel's view on the 1-10 pain scale. I am saving my 10. I really really hope that I never ever have to use it, because I know it will not mean that my head hurts. I have encountered all kinds of pain throughout my life... mental, emotional, physical, etc. I would take having a headache every day for the rest of my life over the pain of losing someone I love.
Anyways, the point of all this pain talk is to explain why I am putting myself through another "not again" situation. I am going back into the hospital to get the same treatment, DHE, for my migraines. It sounds crazy to be putting myself through the same treatment again, because it seems like it did not work the first time. However, that is not the case... before the January treatment, my average daily pain level was an 8. Every day, I had a constant pain level of 8. It was quite unbearable, I don't even know how I made it a month like that. After the treatment, my pain level was lowered down to a daily 6. Unfortunately, my stubborn personality is mirrored in my body, because the pain has been slowly creeping back up to a daily 8. I am doing the treatment again to stop that from happening and hopefully to lower my pain to a daily 5. I do not expect to be pain-free, but I do hope that it significantly improves. So, next week, I will be in the hospital again.
The first time I went in the hospital was in January. I went for five days, and over the course of those five days I was given DHE every 8 hours through the PICC line (type of IV). So, every 8 hours my nurse would come in and hang a bag of fluids on my IV stand monitor thing. For the next two hours, I would get the DHE instead of normal saline fluids. Every time I was given DHE, I was also given three medicines to prevent nausea. Basically, I was a walking bag of medicine for the five days I was there. And I am going back, this time for 6 days. The hospital is actually very nice and wonderful at making me feel comfortable. I got to order as much food as I wanted from 7 AM to 8 PM, watched movies, could've played XBOX except I suck at video games so I don't even bother playing, colored, painted, walked around the halls, listened to music... etc. other distractions from the fact that I was in the hospital. Another great thing about my hospital stay was the amount of love I got from my friends and family. I was visited by a few close friends and sent flowers, emails, cards, and other wonderful happy things by many people. God made sure I didn't feel alone. Not only did some people come visit, but I had either my mom or my dad with there with me the whole time. Of course I let them out every so often to get some fresh air and alone time, but I was practically waited on hand and foot while I was there. Anyone who has been in the hospital understands the necessity of people taking care of you. Even though I didn't go under any anesthesia or have to recover from any procedures, it was exhausting. It took at least three hours to finish two hour movies because of the amount of times I had to pause them because someone came in to talk to us or give me medicine or ask me questions.
The first time I went through this treatment, I was unprepared for the aftermath that occurred. For the first two weeks after I was home, I was completely mentally and physically exhausted... even though I basically just laid in bed for a week. This time, my family and I are prepared for my necessary recovery time. One thing I have not prepared myself for is the possibility that this will not work. I could get this treatment done and still see no improvement. I have no idea what I would do if that happened. I like being prepared for the worst, but I don't know how to prepare myself for that. So, I am depending God preparing me. I don't know what is going to happen, but I know that God will help me through. I am still scared, but less so when I think about God's will. His good, pleasing, and perfect will. God knows who I am, my strengths and weaknesses, and He will guide me on this crazy hard path. Believe it or not, God is guiding you too. Even if Jesus is not in your heart, God is still with you. He is your ohana. "Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten." Disney is great at quotes such as this one, and I have found that every single one can be applied to faith as well. We are God's ohana, each and every one of us, from the newborn babies to those on their death bed. Every. Single. Person. 7 billion people. Somehow, God loves us all even though we are humans, therefore imperfect. God does not care about perfection. He cares about what is in your heart, and He will always be there for you on your crazy hard paths as well as your easy ones. He loves you.
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."
Romans 12:2

When Reality Hits

In the few weeks I had between planning the hospital visit and actually going, I thought I came to terms with the fact that I was going to be in the hospital. In the few days and hours leading up to being admitted, I was a jumbled up mess of feelings. I was nervous, scared, frustrated, disappointed... overall, I just had an ominous feeling about the whole situation. I am a procrastinator, not of schoolwork, but of big life events. I don't like dealing with heavy situations until they actually happen, so I just pretend that everything is okay until the last minute. Even though I have proven this to myself time and time again, I still don't realize that my confidence and bravery is just a front for a scared little girl. So, until I was physically in the hospital, I was okay with the idea of it. I chose to see it as just another course of medicine, until I was sitting in a hospital room waiting to get a needle put in my arm. The reality of me, a 17 year old girl, being in a hospital for a week did not hit until then. That is when the jumbled mess of feelings overwhelmed me.
I don't like needing help from other people. I like doing things by myself, and I am very, very stubborn about it. Throughout the course of my pain, treatments, and side effects, I have had to learn to ask for help... not only from my friends and family, but from God as well. While I was in the hospital, I asked God for courage, peace of mind, strength, as well as support from the people in my life. Boy, did God come through! God eased every inch of that week, starting and ending with the PICC line. Starting off the week, I was warned about the possible side effects from the medicine, treatment, and hospital routine. While the nurses and doctors tried their best to make it seem simple, every step was a complex one. I could have had a bad reaction to the DHE, causing vomiting, weakness, stiffness, headaches (ironically), the PICC line could have gotten infected, then needed to be removed and a new one put in (this could have happened multiple times throughout the week), I could have been bored out of my mind... etc. etc. Even though I saw the possible shortcomings of the week, I stayed relatively calm. I still find it shocking that I did not have a breakdown while I was at the hospital. I think the reason is God. While the little girl inside of me was scared, the big girl with God on her side was brave.
We all have a scared little girl in us (yes, even guys, metaphorically of course, they would have little boys but you get the jist). One of the best parts of being a human is that we are able to be scared and courageous at the same time. When we are scared, yet courageous, we are brave. God doesn't need bravery, because he is never scared. I'm learning that it is okay to be scared. God understands that we are scared and he sympathizes, but God is also just. You have to prove that you are courageous before you can be brave. Don't worry though, because although He won't solve your problems for you, He will be with you every step of the way. God was with me in the hospital, showing me how to be brave in the face of some scary stuff. Through every dose of DHE, He was there. In every friend and family I saw, He was there. He was even there in my nurses and doctors, whether they believed in Him or not. You cannot see Him or hear Him, but you can feel Him. I can guarantee you, He is there.
"Be strong and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the LORD."
Psalm 31:24
Love always,
Sierra

Seeing the Truth

So the mid-November follow up appointment after the shot in the head is the appointment that we started planning the hospital visit. We were told that we would be able to get a spot in the treatment during my Christmas break from school, which we thought would end up being perfect for me. One of the things we did not foresee was just how much the hospital visit would take its toll on me. I had hoped to be admitted the week after Christmas, so I would have one week of cushion before school was back in session. Unfortunately, the only opening was two weeks later, the week that school started. This treatment is not something that can be scheduled according to my preferences, so it was either miss some school or wait until the summer. I was in quite a bit of pain daily, so I opted for the time out of school. Since I was already behind from the first semester, I wanted plenty of time to build up my strength after the hospital as well as time to catch up on some schoolwork. See, I was expecting the treatment to considerably lower my pain fairly quickly. I figured that since the medicine went straight into my bloodstream for an entire week, it would take its effect faster than the other treatments I had tried before. So, with these things in mind, I scheduled a month out of school with independent study. I was confident that by the end of that month, I would not only be caught up on school, but be back to a state in which I could go to school nearly every day, ideally for the rest of the school year.
So far I have listed my expectations. One of the things I am constantly learning and relearning is that my expectations will never be exceeded unless they are realistic. I had blind positivity about the hospital treatment. I was not afraid of being in a hospital because I want to work in one one day. I was not afraid of the treatment because... well I don't know why that part did not frighten me. Looking back, I realize that I was not afraid because God told me not to be. I also realize that while my expectations were unrealistic, I was prepared in every other way for the exhaustion that came after the treatment. I had the perfect amount of independent study time, wonderful teachers who basically told me that everything I was behind on from the first semester would be excused, endless prayers from family, friends, acquaintances, friends of friends, and support from my entire family. All in all, I was prepared for the hospital visit. God also came through with the timing of the treatment because, fairly last minute, a spot opened up for me for the week before my scheduled visit. I ended up being admitted for the week before school was back in session, which made all the difference in the world. Some of you may be wondering how merely a week could make a difference when I had a month of independent study. Well, in my school district, the maximum allowed days of independent study is 20 days. I was in the hospital for five days. If I had been admitted the week that school started up, I would have only had fifteen school days to recover from the treatment. So, the week's difference gave me a full month to recover rather than three weeks.
When looking back, I see God's work in all aspects of the treatment. While I was physically and mentally going through the planning, treatment, and recovery, I had a hard time seeing God's hand... All I could see was the pain, exhaustion, anger, disappointment, frustration, and difficulty of the whole ordeal. While I wish I could have realized what God was doing to help me in those moments, I also realize that I am human, God's child, and that He did not need me to see the work He was doing. God does not need us to thank him for what He does for us, just as your parents do not need us to thank them for loving us. I am currently a counselor at my church's Vacation Bible School, and one of the activities has a speaker who refers to God as our "daddy." While I realize that she is using the word "daddy" to make it more understandable for the children,  it is also opening my eyes to see how God truly is our Daddy. Not everybody has a good human daddy. Personally, I adore my daddy, because he constantly supports and loves me, just as God does. So why do I not call God my daddy? Only because it never occurred to me before. Now that it has, I urge others to see God as their daddy. Whether you have a wonderful or awful human daddy, you also have the perfect daddy in God. For those of you who do not have a good daddy, God is a daddy that will hold you when you are sad, give you advice on boys, listen to you rant about random things, talk to you daily, etc... our Daddy is always there for us.
I have not read all of The Message (basically a translation of the Bible that tells the same exact stories by changing it from its formal, old fashioned tone to a current, casual tone), but I came across this excerpt that I will share tonight in lieu of a verse from the Bible:
 “This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!” Romans 8:15-17 (The Message)
Love always,
Sierra

Learning to Share

Through all of my interactions with medications, I have learned a lot about how my body responds to medicine.  Typically, doctors give every patient a "grace period," which is different for every person, so when you are first prescribed the medicine, the doctor gives you an average amount of time to wait to see if the medicine helps.  For example, once I got a grace period of 2-4 weeks, other times 1-2 months, even up to 4 or 5 months.  I have since learned that when I am given an average grace period, my body waits until the very last second to use up the power of the medicine.  So, for the shot, I was told to wait up to 2 months for it to take its effect, if it was to have any effect that is. The shot did not help my pain at all... even after I waited 2 months.  So, we moved on to the next phase.
This next phase is a fairly long one so I will only tell part of it tonight.  We went back to UCSF for my follow-up appointment after the shot, planning to "put our foot down" to get some real help fast.  (This particular follow-up appointment was in mid-November.)  This appointment is where we started planning my first planned hospital stay.  That day, we learned about a new treatment, one my old neurologist, Dr. C. didn't even know about.  The nice thing about going to a teaching/research hospital or clinic is the amount of different trials there are. Luckily, I was treated with a medicine that had already been researched and proven to work in most subjects.  That medicine is called "dihydroergotamine," or DHE for short.  I was told that the medicine is given to the patient through a kind of IV line, specifically a PICC line, every 8 hours.  This happens every day for five days, and the patient is admitted into the hospital for the whole course of the treatment.  The medicine is started off given at a rate of one bag per hour and a half, and the rate is decreased if side effects occur.  The possible side effects include stiff, cramped legs (fixed by walking around the hospital), nausea, dizziness, headaches (ironic, right?), muscle pain or weakness...  All in all, the side effects seemed worth the risk.  After deciding to go through with it, the planning began.  Planning the treatment ended up being half the battle... which is one of the reasons why this phase is a long one.
So... hospitals are scary, right??  They are scary in every way possible... there is white everywhere, with bright lights, people in boring uniforms, wearing masks, people dying, being born, treated for cancer, treated for a nosebleed, etc.  When I was little, I never once dreamed about my senior year including a hospital visit.  Not only would I have to endure a trip to the hospital, but I would have to do it while going to high school.  As I have shared already, school was already difficult enough for me, without the added stress of a hospital visit.  Throughout my whole experience with migraines, I stop, look up at God, and ask him why He is doing this to me.  Why won't he lift my burden off my shoulders?  Why won't he take my pain away?  Why won't he at least make it a little bit better?  Well the truth is, he already is doing all of that, every day.  From the first day you accept God into your heart, he shares your burdens.  You are not a lone ox pulling a plow.  You share the yolk with God.  He bears your burdens just as much as you do.  Now I don't know how many of you know how a yolk works, but a yolk only works as long as both oxen are moving at the same pace, working together.  I am very bad about moving at an even pace with God.  I try to move faster, and do it on my own; this then creates an uneven yolk, causing even more pain.  Clearly none of us are perfect, and so we will all have moments where we try to rush ahead or fall behind God's pace.  When you are struggling in any area of your life, stop for a moment and talk to God.  Sometimes, you are just going to struggle with life, and God is right next to you through it.  Other times, you put unnecessary struggles and pain into your life because you leave God's side.  It is amazing how the second you stop to struggle, if you have left God's side, He tells you.  But you need to be proactive enough to stop struggling, and listen for God's voice.  When I say "God's voice," I do not mean that literally you will hear a booming voice telling you to slow down.  God speaks to us in many different ways... whether through others or through your own feelings, He is speaking to you.  So stop and listen to God.  He will share your burden.
"For my yolk is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:30
Love always,
Sierra

Complications

So the summer between my junior and senior year was... Well, an interesting one. I got to do a lot of fun things, but I was also stuck doing nothing some days because of the pain. I half expected my headaches to get better when school got out, and they did get better, just not nearly enough. Around September/October time, our neurologist, Dr. C, referred me to the UCSF headache clinic. The first appointment took over two hours because I had to share my whole medical history with her. After listening, she, Dr. G, said right out that I have migraines. Even though migraines are not fun and last your whole life, I was still happy to have an official diagnosis. 

Just like Dr. C, Dr. G had a detailed plan of action. We started off with some new medicines and after the appropriate waiting time for the meds to work, and I was not better, we moved on to the next phase. This one includes more needles, so fair warning to those of you who don't like needles. The next phase was a shot. I'll admit that usually needles don't bother me. When I get my blood drawn, it barely hurts and I always watch. But this shot was a completely different experience. This time I got a shot in the back of my head. Where the right side of the back of my head meets my neck is where I got the shot. I did not get a numbing agent first, just the shot. Dr. G told me it would only take 10 seconds, which I figured would be okay. So I sat down in a chair facing my parents, holding their hands, and braced myself, thinking "it's only 10 seconds, you got this." That was the longest 10 seconds of my life. I remember that earlier I said the headache from the lumbar puncture was the worst pain I have ever experienced, but I take it back. This shot was much, much worse. I squeezed my parents' hands as hard as I could. Apparently, my eyelids started fluttering towards the end, and I almost passed out. I didn't cry though! Not til after at least... 

It's crazy how much 10 seconds of your life can affect you. This shot didn't help my pain, but it did show me just how strong I am. But the thing is, you never know how strong you really are until you have to prove it. Being strong really really sucks. I will never forget the things I experienced in those 10 seconds. We Bought a Zoo has a wonderful quote about being strong, "all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage and I promise you something great will come of it." Now this is not a universal thing, as Gus from Psych (the TV show) learned. Gus had a crush on this girl at work, and he said ok all I need is 20 seconds of courage. He walked up to her, said really sweet things for 20 seconds, and she pepper sprayed him... Well I guess what he said was kinda creepy but that's not the point. 20 seconds of courage will not fix things immediately. Something great WILL come of it, but you're going to need more courage and even more perseverance. But the more often you practice those traits, the stronger you will become, and God will be by your side every step of the way. 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." 

Joshua 1:9

Hoping for a Fresh Start

Coming out of junior year, I was planning on being headache free for senior year. My school had changed the possible English classes for seniors, and combined with that situation and my wishes to do AP biology and AP calculus, I ended up signing up for three AP classes senior year. I needed to be headache free to succeed in all my classes, especially the ones (like History and AP English) that I don't enjoy learning about. The medicine (that made me lose weight) took two months to come off of, so I wasn't off of that medicine until July. With school starting in early August, I had about a month to regroup for senior year. I still expected a carefree senior year, despite the evidence leaning towards a stressful one. 

I'm not sure if I have mentioned this yet, but I was a part of the marching band all four years of high school. The marching season happens from late July to mid November, with practices at least two to three times a week. To those of you thinking that a marching band practice consists of playing music and marching in a straight line for like two hours, you  have clearly never experienced marching band. I am not condemning you for not knowing the truth, but from now on, you will consider marching band a sport. The season starts off with not mandatory practices for three hours every Tuesday during the summer. Two weeks before school starts, band camp begins. Band camp. Notorious for hot days and crazy stories I cannot share because "what happens at band camp stays at band camp." What I can share is how crazy band camp is. From Monday through Saturday, we had daily practices from 9 AM to 9 PM (lunch breaks for an hour, dinner for one and a half). Saturday ends with a performance for friends and family, by which point the band has memorized the music and marching movements (drill) to about two minutes of our fall show. Not to brag, but I did all this with a headache every day. Needless to say, the next week I was completely exhausted. 

From August to November, we had practice on Tuesdays from 5pm-9pm, Thursdays from 2:30-4:30, Fridays from 3-9, and October-November, we also had a competition every Saturday. This alone would be a lot. Add on three AP classes, church activities, family, and friends, and you get one busy life. I would have been exhausted even without the headaches. On a normal day, having a bad headache is energy draining. By the end of the marching season, I was behind in almost every single one of my classes. I am not sharing this part to say "hey look how awesome I am for doing all this!" I am sharing to say that I failed but succeeded. And giving up because you fail will get you nowhere in life. I failed many times. I missed many practices and school days, didn't practice enough, dropped out of AP biology, and had no social life. I also succeeded many times. I survived the band season as the band council president, eventually caught up in my classes, pushed myself to and beyond my limits, and in the end, it all worked out. 

Some people see high school as the best years of their lives. I expected to be one of these people. Now looking back, I hope these past years will be the worst of my life, not the best. For those of you still in high school and struggling in one way or another, don't give up. At the time, high school is everything. But high school is just a fraction of your life. The most important thing about high school is the growth in character each person goes through. Some people grow to become their best self, others become their worst. Either way, you have the rest of your life to screw up or turn your life around and succeed. Choose to become a person you can be proud of, and you will never regret it, no matter the circumstances that come your way. Always keep in mind that God loves you *in Bruno Mars's voice* "just the way you are."

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

Galatians 6:9

Love always,

Sierra

The Process

So to sum up my shared experiences so far, in the summer before my junior year of high school, I started getting regular headaches that turned into a daily headache. I have had a headache all day every day since October of 2013. I have tried many treatments, counselors, doctors... Basically I've tried everything. I've had a six inch needle poked into my spine, been to the hospital and urgent care many times... But I haven't given up.

Part of not giving up included trying a new medicine, one not treating elevated spinal column fluid pressure, but one treating a "chronic daily headache." Miraculously, after three months of taking this medicine, I started to notice a difference. Finally something helped relieve some of the pain. I still had a headache every day, but it was becoming almost manageable. When I started taking this medicine, my doctor warned me of the possible side effects. The medicine is typically used in a higher dosage for epilepsy, so it is an intense medicine. After five months on this medicine, I saw the side effects in myself. I started having troubles focusing during school, beyond my mind that was already distracted by pain. I had troubles talking, not noticeable to most people, but I had a harder time finding my words and maintaining conversation. I lost 25 pounds. I am a small girl, always have been, so me, 5'5" tall, going from 125 pounds to 100 pounds in just a few months was a big deal. 

Naturally, we started to wean me off of the medicine. After three days of a slightly smaller dose, I got a massive headache that lasted a week. After the first three days of the massive headache, we called my doctor. Well now I was faced with a dilemma. Come off of the medicine and drop out of my AP classes, not take the AP tests I already signed up for and paid for, and go on independent study for the rest of the year. Or I could stay on the medicine, watching what I eat to try to not lose more weight, and finish out the school year, coming off of the medicine over the summer. 

I am not the type of girl to give up, so I went for the latter, giving up three weeks of my summer to have worse headaches than usual. But it was worth it. The saying, "When God closes a door, he opens a window," is proven in my life. While the medicines did not help me in the way I wished, they got me through junior year. Because of the medicine, my hard work, and the amazing cooperation of my teachers, I finished out the year with two AP classes, receiving all A's and B's for the semester. I am not bragging, I am proud. I am proud of myself for accomplishing my goals. My door was bolted shut, because I could not work or wish my headaches away, and while my window was hard to squeeze through, I made it out. God is always on your side. There have been and will come many moments in your life in which you are given a window. No matter if you can walk through it or squeeze through, God put it there to help you. He gave you the opportunity to make changes in your own life because he knows you are strong enough to handle it. 

You are strong enough to handle everything. God has complete faith in you, and so do I.

"Here is a call for the endurance of the saints, those who keep the commandments of God and their faith in Jesus." Revelation 14:12

Love always,

Sierra

Relax.

So I have been wanting to start a blog and keep up with it for a long time now... But I had no extra time or energy for the past few months. I'm sorry to say it, but that's just how it was. I can't change it now, but I can change my "plan of action" for this blog. For instance, today I would like to talk about the present. 

I spend a lot of time wishing things could have gone differently. I wish I had hung out with my friends more this past year. I wish I had gone to every marching band practice in the fall. I wish I had stayed in AP biology, cause I truly enjoyed that class. I wish I hadn't missed a total of 35 days of school just this past semester... etc etc. All of these things I am disappointed with happened because I have migraines. And that is something I cannot change. Constantly wishing things had gone differently will change nothing. So why do I do it? Because I'm human. I can't be hyper rational like Bones (the TV character) is. Even a genius like herself has moments where she has irrational emotions. It's just part of being human. The fact that I have migraines is just a reminder that I am human. 

Everybody has their own reminders that make them feel incomplete or insufficient. Mine just happens to be a physical omnipotent one. But just because I feel physical pain as a reminder doesn't make mine any bigger than someone else's. We all have moments when we feel we have failed. Some moments last minutes, seconds, and some last days, months, years... And not one is more important than another. We all struggle with life. It's easy to forget that I'm not alone in the struggle of life. Not many people understand exactly what I am going through, but they are truly empathetic to the feelings it creates. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is no matter what your struggle is, you are not alone. If you are physically alone as in the only person in a room, you still are not completely alone. God is always there with you, just waiting there with his shoulder open for you. He is waiting for you to relinquish your self control to cry on his shoulder. Have you ever noticed how crying by yourself isn't quite as healing as crying with someone you love? The same thing happens when you cry with God. It's easy to forget this because we are so involved in our own lives that we don't stop to look up and see God there waiting for us. Try taking a moment right now. Just feel God's presence with you, and then completely relax your body, head to toe. Relax yourself into God's embrace.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Love always,

Sierra

Trying To Fix It

After the whole ordeal with the lumbar puncture, we found that the pressure of the fluid in my spinal column was slightly higher than average. The next step was then to treat me with medicines that lower the pressure. We didn't realize until months later that my headaches weren't because of the pressure in my spine. After 4 months of no improvement, I started to feel hopeless. My doctor could tell that I was straining to keep going through the pain every day, so she suggested that I see not only a counselor, but also a psychiatrist. I have tried many counselors since then, and I have finally found the perfect one. The psychiatrist is also wonderful. I thought that the first time I saw her she would just say oh you're depressed let's give you some medicine for it. But she didn't. She listened to my history and got a feel for who I am, and when I was finished, she understood me. I have had moments where I've been depressed, but then again who doesn't?! It's a natural thing. But I am not nor have ever been depressed. Which I am very thankful for. Depression ruins people... I've seen it happen to family and friends. While I am not depressed, I do have anxiety fairly often. Which I think is totally understandable for the situation I'm in. Anxiety can occur in anybody for any reason, and for some it's worse than others. I am glad we caught my anxiety early so I am now taking medicine that stabilizes my mood. I've noticed from school and other stressful activities that when my mood fluctuates, my pain fluctuates with it. It takes time to learn and understand how your body reacts to anything life throws at you. But again, just try to be patient. It will get better, it just might take 2 years or even longer. Something good will come from your suffering, even if you don't see how yet. 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4 NIV)

Love always,

Sierra

Seemingly Lost Potential

So now it’s time to get back to my chronological storytelling of my past. Well after the lumbar puncture I started missing more and more school. It got to point where most mornings I would wake up and begged to stay home from school just because I felt like I was in too much pain to go to school. Luckily my parents were smarter and knew that I was tougher than I thought I was. They could see how strong I was even though I couldn’t see it in myself. I now have been through more than I ever thought was possible, with more to come, and I have still been successful in my endeavors. I am in currently in two AP classes and I am loving them. I started off this year in 3 AP classes but I soon realized that that was not realistic. I started off this year thinking that I would get better easily and quickly and be able to keep up in all three AP classes. I soon fell behind in all of them and I had to choose which ones to keep for second semester. I am a science nerd all the way so it killed me to have to drop AP biology, especially since I want to become a doctor. Soon, I’m going to have to do a whole lot of biology so I would’ve loved to have that base knowledge of biology before I head off to college. Although I had to take biology off the schedule, I still get to enjoy two AP classes and while I am behind in both of them, my teachers are amazing. I have proven to others and myself that while I might not get things done on time, I always get them done. My teachers can see that I truly do love learning, especially in subjects that I love, like calculus. Although English is not my favorite subject, it has been fascinating to understand Shakespearean literature and able to apply it to our lives today. 
My point of all of this jargon about my school schedule and my work ethic is to prove to the people out there who are struggling in some way that it is possible to be successful while being sick. It is definitely not easy. It has been and will be the hardest thing I do in my entire life. I expect more from myself then other people expect from me. I let myself down more than I let other people down, but I have learned where my limits are and how to spend my time wisely. I have five weeks left in high school, and I am going to graduate with more than just barely scraping by as passing. I am going to be proud of what I have accomplished despite all of the outside issues that have directed my life for the past two years. 
I don’t have cancer or another disease that is even more debilitating than mine, but I am still proof that just because your body is sick doesn’t mean all of you is sick. It seems like you have all this potential to unlock that you can’t get to, but you are just skimming the surface of what you can accomplish when you put your mind to it. Do not lose faith in God’s plan. 
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Corinthians‬ ‭4‬:‭16-17
Love always,
Sierra

Taking in the Good

I know that I've been describing what has happened to me over the past two years, but today I'm going to jump ahead to what happened a few weeks ago. Well actually I'll throw in a little history for you guys. 

After winter break junior year, my neurologist suggested that I see a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist person. I've seen quite a few by now, but I have finally found the perfect one for me. Before I even contemplated about seeing a therapist, I associated therapy with being crazy. I wouldn't go so far as to call myself crazy... ;) but I have proven that association wrong. My current counselor is awesome. Like really really awesome. We have the same kind of brain that is fascinated by understanding how things work. She has been teaching me how the human brain works. Brains are programmed to flight, not fight, avoid pain, and are naturally extremely biased towards negativity. The most fascinating thing about brains is that, just like any other muscle, you can build up strength in certain areas. What I need strength in is positivity. Another thing about the brain is that it has something called recall memory. When my headache spikes, my brain's recall memory immediately thinks that I am going to have a horrible headache that lasts three days. This is from experience, because for the past year, that has been the pattern for my headaches. But recent treatments I've had have changed my circumstances. Now, I still get pain spikes, but they only last about an hour, then the pain recedes back to the normal level. So I am working on training my brain to think positively; when my head spikes and I start feeling frustrated and sad, I remind myself that it won't last three days. I have been working on retraining my brain for a little over three months now, and my immediate response to a pain spike is still negative. But I catch myself more quickly and start thinking positively. You guys can do this too, but like I said, I've been working on this for a while and I'm still not perfect. So be patient, and just try your best. It has been proven that nuns, monks, etc, people who spend their days meditating or praying over good things have a positive recall memory. I don't know about you all, but I definitely do not have the patience or time to pray all day. So I'm settling for the little times I do practice positivity. I hope you can too. 

Recently I failed at using positivity. A situation came up that reminded me how I have not been committed to my church group. Then, I thought about why I haven't been committed, which is because I have a headache every day. I got angry and frustrated that the headaches are ruining my life. But when I fail at positivity, God sends someone to remind me. Today, God sent my boyfriend. I had told him how I was feeling, and we started talking about it. He told me to stay positive and be proud of what I did accomplish today, and that I will feel better tomorrow. If not physically, then mentally and emotionally because I completed a lot of homework I needed to do. At the time, I didn't believe him or accept it. Then I started writing to you, and I realized that he is right. I need to feel good about what I did, not bad. 

God sends us little reminders that he is there for us. Sometimes they come through strangers on the street, listening to the song that perfectly describes your situation, but most of the time, they come through the ones you love. When someone gives you help, try to accept it. If not at first, just take a step back and let it sink in. I am proof that their help can turn your whole day around, but you have to let your guard down for that to be possible. 

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17

Love always,

Sierra

The Emotional Side of Things

So far I have only talked about the physical grievances that I have gone through recently. I have not mentioned the emotional trauma, besides my uncle’s death, I have been through as well. Living with pain is something everybody does, the only difference is how severe it is. One pain is not worse than the other, except the grief of losing a loved one. Losing someone you love is the worst kind of pain. Physical pain can be cured and treated, but there is no medicine for emotional pain. Sophomore year is when my pain started.
The summer before that school year, my aunt suddenly died at the age of 39. I had never lost anyone close to me until then. I had no idea that I would end up losing another loved one within six months. In a previous entry, I mentioned my uncle’s death from cancer. My aunt died July 26, 2012 and my uncle died December 13, 2012. It was common belief that the world was going to end in 2012. Well, for my family, the world did end. My mom is now an only child, and both my aunt’s and uncle’s sons are left with only one parent. 
I don’t know why God decided that my uncle and aunt could die. But I don’t think that he chose to kill them. I was angry with God for taking them from us. In a similar way, I was angry at God for giving me migraines. But lately I have realized that everything good in the world comes from God, and everything bad comes from satan. God sees the future and makes a plan for our lives, but leaves the execution of the plan to us, which is otherwise known as free will. God saw that my uncle and aunt would die and he brought each of them a son into this world. Every time I see those boys I see the beauty of God’s grace. Both my uncle and aunt had been trying and failing to have kids for a long time, so it was truly a blessing for those boys to be born. 
My advice for others who are angry at God is to first, get your anger out. Yell, scream, cry, or just sit in silence. Feelings are meant to be expressed. The feelings that get pent up inside for too long will eventually explode. Once you have the weight of the anger off your chest, look for the small beautiful things God gives after satan takes. Look for the miracle children, the newfound strength, and most of all, forgive. Since God can forgive us for all of our sins, He deserves our forgiveness. 
“You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl our iniquities into the depths of the sea.” Micah 7:18-19
Love always,
Sierra

The First Prick

So last night I started talking about the tests I did to reach a diagnosis. Well all in all, none of the tests they did on me showed any significant problem. Some were painful, some exhausting, others easy. The first major procedure I had done was a lumbar puncture. For those of you who don’t know, a lumbar puncture is where the fluid in your spinal column is measured and tested. To do this, I got a shot of lidocaine in my lower back to numb it. The ironic thing is that the lidocaine shot hurt like hell. Luckily though it only lasted about thirty seconds then the numbing part kicked in. What happened next was fascinating to me, but may be gruesome to others, so fair warning. The doctor stuck a six inch needle into my back, penetrating in between vertebrae to reach the spinal column. They measured the pressure of the fluid while taking out a good amount of it. You’d think that this process would be bad enough on its own and that there could not possibly be any other source of pain from it. I thought this too, but I was told to rest for a few days, staying as horizontal as possible for as long as was needed. Three days later, I still couldn’t sit up long enough to eat dinner at the dinner table without feeling like my head was about to explode. After corresponding with Dr. C, she told us that I needed to come to the hospital near her. Even though we called ahead, I was stuck laying down on chairs in the waiting room for over 2 hours. I had never been in so much pain. Once I was checked in and seen by the doctors, Dr. C came by to check on me.
I would like to point out that Dr. C willingly left a fundraising dinner early to come visit me in the hospital. Most doctors would wait to see their patients until their official working hours, but not Dr. C. That is how great she is.
Well, turns out all that was needed to fix me was a few liters of fluids through an IV. Dr. C made my overnight hospital experience bearable. She personally made sure I was aware of the treatment plan and what the next step would be should the IV fluids not work.
Looking back on this experience, I am humbled by Dr. C’s earnest compassion. Anyone who has been admitted into a hospital knows how much one person can affect your stay. One person can make it the worst experience of your life. One person can also be the bright spot in a tough time. Look for that one person and appreciate what they do for you. Thank them, and strive to be like them. That is how we can truly honor those who fight for us.
“Do it…with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord.” Colossians 3:22-23
Love always,
Sierra

Losing Stride

After Dr. B, Dr. A referred me to another neurologist, Dr. C. It took some time to get an appointment, so until I saw Dr. C, I went to other specialists to see if my headaches were caused by something other than my head. I saw a cardiologist, audiologist, and various other "ologists." According to all of their tests, I was a normal, healthy teen girl. Most attributed the headaches to hormones or said it would be a temporary grievance. Finally, it came time to see Dr. C. We had to drive two hours there and back for the appointment, but it was worth it.
Dr. C walked into the room ready to listen to my history, the tests that have been done, what kind of pain I had, when it started, etc. After about 45 minutes of listening, I finished my storytelling and Dr. C looked at her notes, thought for a minute, then looked at me. She told me that she had a plan for a course of treatment. She said the first step was diagnosing the problem, so she thought I should get a lumbar puncture. I will tell you all about that tomorrow, because I would like to stop and thank Dr. C. She was the first doctor to seem to genuinely care about my well being and was ready to treat me to the best of her abilities.
For anybody going through a similar experience, and has not found a doctor who is more than just a degree, be patient. It took me 5 months to find the right doctor. I'm still not cured and I have moved on to another doctor, but Dr. C is the reason I got through the beginning stages of chronic pain. For some people, being healthy is just a part of their lives. For others, healthy seems nearly impossible. But do not lose hope. God has a plan for you. It probably will not be what you expected or what you initially want, but in the end it will be perfect for you. Place your trust in God and you will go far.
"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."  Romans 12:12
Love always,
Sierra

The Next Phase

So the reason I decided to share my story is because I am a huge Taylor Swift fan. Perhaps I should explain more… For those of you who don’t know, taylor has a wonderful song titled “Ronan.” In it, she tells the story of Ronan, a boy who at three years old was diagnosed with cancer, and fought courageously. I have loved this song since the first time I heard it for multiple reasons, from the inspirational lyrics to the beautiful melody. The icing on the cake is that it is a perfect example of how Taylor uses her God-given gifts to do good in this crazy world. Taylor sends all the proceeds from Ronan’s song to the charity his mother founded in his name, The Ronan Thompson Foundation.
So now, back to its relevance to this blog. I watched an interview of Maya Thompson, Ronan’s mother, in which she said that writing her blog saved her while she was guiding Ronan through his treatments. As I will eventually share, I am in desperate need of a way to release my pent-up thoughts and feelings. So, I thought I would give blogging a try.
I left off my story when I went to the doctor after two weeks of a headache. Long story short, Dr. A did some tests and treated me to the best of her abilities. When she could not cure me, she referred me to a local neurologist, Dr. B, who told me I had stress headaches. She did not take me seriously, so I did not take her seriously. Needless to say, I only saw her once. This brought up a problem though… What comes next? Do I grin and bear it or look for another doctor? These were some of the questions running through my mind. I will ease your minds and tell you that eventually, I do find a good doctor. I will go into more details tomorrow ;P
As I said yesterday, God turns pain into joy. In a similar way, God turns bad into good. I never plan on going back to see Dr. B again, but I do plan on being a better doctor to my patients than she was to me. My current dream is to become a Pediatric Hematologist/Oncologist. In human words, I want to be a child blood cancer doctor. Although I do not have blood cancer, I have a deep connection with it. My Uncle D was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma just before I was born. After the initial diagnosis, he beat cancer twice. He did not beat it a third time. I only knew Uncle D when he was sick. He was diagnosed, fought, and went into remission twice. The third time Uncle D was diagnosed, he got a stem cell transplant. This went beautifully, and once again he started on the path towards remission. Along the way, he and his wife brought a beautiful baby boy into the world. That boy is a miracle. Doctors told Uncle D that it would be next to impossible for him and his wife to have a child because of the cancer treatments. Uncle D is my mom’s brother, and for years my mom felt that she was helpless in her brother’s fight for life. Then one day, she heard about the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s (LLS) organization, Team in Training (TNT). TNT trains people to run or walk half and full marathons. Like myself, my mom is not a runner. However, she’s found that she is a walker. Through TNT, my mom has walked four half marathons and raised over $16,000 for LLS. While there isn’t a cure for cancer yet and Uncle D lost his battle, my mom continues raising money for LLS in his name. This past year, she set a total fundraising goal, a sum of all her years of fundraising, at $16,000. This is a significant number because Uncle D battled cancer for 16 years.
Cancer treatments did not save Uncle D’s life, but they did save his heart. Uncle D is in heaven now, but he left his heart behind in his wife and son. He left us with the biggest piece of him, his son.
I love my family and I would do anything to have been able to save my uncle. Hopefully by becoming a Pediatric Hematologist/Oncologist I can help children beat cancer and save families from having to go through a loss like my family’s.
“In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” Acts 20:35
Love always,
Sierra
P.S. I will not use the real names of other people in this blog for their privacy.

The Beginning

I’ve never been one to share my life story with others. I never thought it could mean anything to anybody but myself.

While I am only seventeen, I have gone through more than some adults. I am also aware that although my life was, is, and will be hard, it could be a lot worse. I don’t live with a constant threat on my life from persecution, disease, drought, famine, etc. I have a wonderful family, a roof over my head, food every morning, noon, and night, someone to love, faith in God. Yet sometimes I don’t stop to cherish what I have and to see the big picture God has planned for me. It is hard to see how pain can ever become good.

Every day, I live with emotional, mental, and physical pain. Since July of 2013, I have lived every day in pain. That summer, my family and I went on a road trip across seventeen states. No doubt about it, that trip was full of fun with friends and family! Unfortunately, the trip did not end on a happy note for me. I started getting headaches the last week of the trip. At first, I assumed I was dehydrated, exhausted, or fighting a cold. After two weeks of nonstop headaches, I went to the doctor. Now, nearly two years later, I still have that headache. After hundreds of doctor appointments, every test possible, and asking God why he won’t take this burden off my shoulders, I am diagnosed with chronic migraines. More specifically, a chronic migraine. I have not had a pain free day since the beginning of that trip.

I am not telling you all my story for sympathy. Quite the opposite, in fact. I would like to give sympathy, empathy, to anybody living with pain. No matter how severe, pain is pain. Pain is tough. But pain is not given to us by God. Satan gives us pain, God turns the pain into joy. For example, I have not experienced the pains of pregnancy or childbirth, (nor do I plan to experience them until after marriage), but growing a human being inside of your body is going to cause you pain. But the nine months of pain is accompanied by joy, then followed by an eternal joy.

We aren’t meant to live easy lives, because then life would be meaningless. If only one person follows me and is reminded how amazing life is, this blog will be a success.

I will do my best to post daily to continue sharing my story to help someone else with their own story, and to help them wrote their happy ending. “With God, all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

Love always, Sierra