Patience is Key

Soooooo I finished my first quarter of college!!! And I was successful in it, academically, socially, emotionally, physically... in every way possible, I feel that I was successful. There are lots of reasons that I was successful this quarter, the most important of these are God's perfect plan and my wonderful family. I have slightly adjusted my definition of family in the past few months, from blood relatives to anybody important in my life. I have discovered that God provides family to those who ask for it, even if it is not in the way you expect. My family has greatly expanded, and consequently so has my faith. Going into college, I was preparing myself for a multitude of times where my faith, character, and values would be tested. Well, it turns out that I was tested, but not in the way I expected. I anticipated temptation to participate in illicit activities that would threaten my health, personality, and possibly even my future, because that's what college is about, right? Testing the limits, making mistakes, and learning from them? So far, this has been proven to be true, but it has happened in the best possible way. Instead of experiencing temptation to go out and party with the wrong crowd, I was tempted to stay out all night line dancing, drinking boba, and playing card games. I tested my physical limits by staying out later than I ever have before, and I tested my social/mental/emotional limits by placing myself in situations that I knew I was slightly uncomfortable in, but that I also knew would strengthen my confidence. Because I tested my limits in these ways, I have built strong foundations for friendships, strengthened my body, and had incredibly fun times along the way. I entered college a fragile little girl who was still recovering from being in the hospital, and even though I've only made it through a third of this year, I am already stronger and smarter than I have ever been.
Yesterday, I visited my doctor at UCSF for the first time in six months. The appointment was very enlightening. I was reminded how serious and permanent my condition is. This is the first appointment that I have had where I forgot about the severity of the impact of my disease, and that is a victory in itself. That is proof that my treatments are working; even though my body is not healing, my mind is healing. For the majority of my past appointments in UCSF, I have left disappointed, spending the first 20-30 minutes of the 3 hour car ride home sobbing because I was not given any new answers. Even though this appointment was not all that different from any others, I did not cry on my way home. Instead, I made plans to spend some time with my aunt and little cousin, and rocked out to some throwback One Direction music with my mom. We even went shopping! Why is this relevant to you, you may ask? Because the little things you do to help yourself manage your pain do make a difference in the end. This was the first time that I did not have to consciously choose to think positively after a fairly negative experience. I have been working on training my brain to focus on the positive and not the negative, and until recently, it has been a conscious decision to turn from the negative thoughts and towards the positive ones. For the majority of this quarter, my brain had a tendency towards the positive thoughts. That is why this past quarter was so successful for me, because all of my hard work with my DBT therapist has paid off. (DBT is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). DBT is part of my prescribed treatment plan, and it involves an active relationship with my therapist. My sessions with my therapist are not the usual kinds of therapy, where I lay on a couch and tell her every thought I've had in the past week. My therapist and I have discussions about how I consciously and subconsciously respond to the pain. I learn proven techniques to think positively as well as the chemistry behind how my brain functions in relation to the pain.)
Every time I stopped myself from thinking about how much my head hurt and instead focused on any positive thing, big or small, I trained my brain that positive is good and negative is bad. You'd think that that would be obvious, right? Clearly it is not obvious to the migraine brain, though, because so often depression, anxiety, and other real problems are developed because of chronic migraines. This is why patience is key, because pain is a very serious thing, no matter what kind of pain it is. Pain can be debilitating in multiple areas of your life, and often times, it is impossible to defeat on your own. It is also impossible to simply stop pain. You cannot throw it away, choose not to feel it, or decide that is is unimportant. Unfortunately, it takes patience to deal with pain, and I have learned that I am not very good at patience. I think this is one of the things that God is going to teach me through this trial. God is teaching me patience. True patience shows faith in God, even though it may seem like a simple "worldly" task. Developing relationships, preparing for exams, even waiting in line requires patience, and therefore faith. Faith that sooner or later, what you're waiting for WILL come. Faith that it is worth your patience. Faith it is God's will. Faith that it is worth it.
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31
Love always,
Sierra

3:20 AM

So since it's 3:20 AM right now, I'll keep it short and sweet.
I've realized why my life feels so surreal here at Davis. It's something beyond just the fact that it's a big change for me. Literally, just now, I realized that I can't accept that this is actually my life. My life is so good right now, and it has been good for seven straight weeks now. That is a record. Up until two months ago, 3 days of happiness in a row was a HUGE deal for me. Even now that I've had SEVEN WEEKS of goodness, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, constantly preparing myself for the worst. I'm still not 100% positive that I will finish this quarter. The little voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that good doesn't last forever, especially not in my experiences, so I should take what I've got and expect nothing more. Because of this, I feel like I'm watching my life happen instead of living it, even though I am really really really enjoying my time here! I just wish I could get that little voice in the back of my head to shut up so I could live my life, but even if that was possible, it would not be a smart idea for me. That little voice has saved me more times than I can count in the past week alone. If I did not listen to the little voice, I would stay out too late with my friends, study less, eat too much junk food, etc. other bad habits, all of which lead to more pain. It's ironic that the thing that keeps me healthy(ish) is also holding me back... but I guess some things come hand in hand with others.
I do have a (hopefully) relative point to sharing this middle-of-the-night-realization that I've just had with you. Now that I've realized my problem, why I feel like I'm watching my life happen instead of living it, I can start to deal with it. Of course, it's not an easy fix, and I don't know how to do it now, let alone on my own, but I do have some place to start. I have a square one, where before I didn't even have that. I just had a feeling like something was missing from my life. I am proud to say that for once, I have been praying to God about this. I did not forget to talk to God about this particular problem, and I think that is in large part because of my blog. Writing on here reminds me to step out of my own little world and let God in, and I hope that by sharing my experiences and middle-of-the-night-realizations with you that I can remind you to let God in as well. So, goodnight for now!
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Sierra

The Start of Something New

So apparently I'm starting to use a recurring theme of referencing a weird obsession of mine... First country music, then Spirit, and now High School Musical. I guess it does go along with my previous references to other cheesy feel good things like Hallmark movies, since High School Musical is a cheesy blast from the past, especially with "The Start of Something New" being the first song of the movie series. I like cheesy movies, lyrics, stories, etc. because they always have a predictably happy ending. Life, however, is never predictable and seems to rarely have happy endings, so I guess I like the cheesy things because they show me a glimpse of what life would look like if everything ended nicely wrapped up in a happily ever after ending. Movies end with life-changing discoveries... the guy gets the girl, mother and daughter are on good terms again, and the evil ones are vanquished. Life also ends with a discovery, but unlike movies, the best memories in life are made during the times of discovering, not the actual discovery.
Today, I started a photo album on facebook to record my first year of college, and I titled it "UC Davis: Year One". As I was choosing pictures for and editing the album, it hit me that I'm going to be at Davis for four more years. It already feels like a lifetime that I've spent there, but it's only been six weeks. I've only been a part of my church group, Catalyst, for five weeks. Coming home this weekend, I'm having this odd feeling that I just dreamt about the past five weeks, and that I am coming to the end of my dream. In reality, my dream is just beginning. I'm at the start of something new: something awe-inspiringly, life-changingly, wonderfully new. It's amazing how just a change in perspective can change a person's whole outlook on life. Instead of bracing myself for the end of this season of life, I can be fully present in the moments, taking pleasure in the small things as well as the large things that I encounter. I encourage you to look at your life as the start of something new instead of the end of something old, because life does not end happily. Life ends with pain and loss. So, when we think about endings in our life, we expect pain and loss to come from them. Instead of seeing the ends, see the beginnings, because life begins with pure joy. When we are first brought into the world, there is a party in Heaven, because another child of God is born. On the wall of my bedroom, I have a patchwork that my grandma made for me when I was just a baby that simply says, "God danced the day you were born", and every time I look at that, I am reminded of the joy that life is meant to bring us. Too often, we are caught up in the pain and suffering of life and forget to see the joy in it. Every day is a chance to see the start of something new.
"He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making all things new! Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"
Revelation 21:5
Love always,
Sierra

Christaholics Anonymous

So tonight I've just got a short post, but I had this thought and just couldn't NOT share it with you! Tonight at my weekly freshman girls small group, we started sharing our testimonies with the group, and so I found myself in the bathroom afterwards washing my face and brushing my teeth, thinking about my own testimony. I thought about how we shared intimate details with each other, immediately trusting one another to take it seriously and without judgment, also not repeating any unnecessary details with anyone outside of the group. Thinking about it this way, it reminded me of the structure of addiction support group meetings, and what addiction means. The merriam-webster.com definition of "addict" is this: "to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively." The majority of addictions mentioned nowadays are harmful to the well being of the addict, but I think that theoretically, it is possible to have a healthy addiction. Realistically, the only healthy addiction I can think of is an addiction to Christ. An addiction becomes something that you can't control, a passion that directs your life, and my passion for Christ has become uncontrollable since this past weekend. I am on a high right now, a "God high" of sorts. Going on a retreat with a group of devoted Christians does that to you. It changes you completely, and shapes you for the better. As long as your heart is in it and you are ready to accept God's direction, you will leave with a renewed passion for seeking Christ. An addiction to Christ is the only addiction that provides healing instead of causing pain. While away on the retreat, I also reconsidered the meaning of healing, and came up with my own way of defining it. Healing doesn't mean you return to the exact shape you were before, but instead you adapt and learn to live with the scars and recognize that they are closed wounds. Scars don't continue causing you pain, they are just a visual, physical reminder of that pain and how you have overcome it. With an addiction to Christ, a support group is just as necessary as any other addiction, but the parameters of the group will be a little different. A Christ support group encourages you in your addiction and walks with you as it grows stronger and starts to control your life. The healthiest relationship with God is one that is all-encompassing and resilient. That is the type of relationship we should be striving for. I highly encourage you to take every opportunity you have to go on a retreat of any sort with your support group, whether it's going out to ice cream or spending the weekend in the mountains. 
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith-of greater worth than gold-may result in praise,, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy."
1 Peter 1:6-9
Love always,
Sierra

Is this real life?

There's a little inside joke minor humor for you there with this title... Anyone remember the funny video roaming around the internet a few years back with the little boy who was loopy from getting his tooth pulled out and he asked, "Is this real life?" Even though I'm not loopy on laughing gas, I've found myself asking this question fairly often in this transition from high school to college life. This weekend, I had this thought multiple times, but in an amazing, uplifting sort of way. When I think about the past few years of my life, I can't remember a time when I was happy for more than about a week at a time. I've been at UC Davis for a month now, and I can honestly say that I have been happy for almost the whole time. Of course I'm not happy 24/7, that's unrealistic, but aside from a few bad days here and there, my heart has been filled with joy and satisfaction. I know why I'm so happy, too: I finally learned how to let go and let God. I honestly have no idea what in particular I've done differently for this past month, but I do know that whatever I'm doing, it's good. I've been able to step aside and let God lead my life for a change, and it has been wonderful.
I have this really bad habit of trying to do everything on my own, and on top of that, I'm extremely stubborn about it. For example, this weekend I went on a retreat with my college church group! We went to the Tahoe area and stayed in a church member's cabin! Well I guess technically it was a cabin, but "cabin" makes it sound small. This place was not small. We fit 60 college students in it for an entire weekend. Yes. 60. Anyways, on Saturday, we went for a hike. It was an optional hike, but the majority of the group ended up going. At first, I didn't think that I was going to go along, but I felt a little nudge from God to go. I gave in, and found myself on a beautiful hike. For some of us, the hike was a fairly easy few miles on a switchback trail up the mountain. For others, it was trekking through the woods, climbing up the rocks, and "parcore-ing" it up the mountain ("parcore" is jumping on rocks and doing crazy life-threatening stuff like that just for the heck of it). I was part of the group that went on the trail, of course, but that trail was not easy at all for me. It was actually the most difficult thing I've done since before I went to the hospital. As I was on the hike, I had multiple opportunities to turn around and only go part of the way, at which points I stopped and actually considered the possibility. This, I think, is the difference between the me now and the me a few months ago. Realistically, I knew I was not going to turn back early. I knew I was going to finish that hike no matter what. However, I used to just go with my gut and not listen to God's input. This got me in quite a few rough patches over time... Typically, after a huge adventure such as the hike, I come home and crash for a few days. Literally crash, like my headache spikes to a constant 9 out of 10, my body is weak and lightheaded, and I am completely exhausted for at least 2 days. This time feels different, though. I'm still exhausted, a little weak, and with a little worse headache than I had before, but it doesn't feel like a crash. I think this is because when I had the opportunity to turn back on the hike, I paused and asked God for his advice. God told me that if I continued, I would be sore, but it would be worth it. He also told me that if I turned back, I would enjoy the quiet time and meet some new people in Catalyst. (Sidenote: When I talk about God "telling me" something or "speaking to me," I don't mean that I hear a loud booming voice saying my name and speaking to me. It's hard to describe, but basically, when God speaks to me, I get a feeling. A thought pops into my head, and I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me what the thought means. God speaks to everyone in different ways, and often times it is really hard to interpret what He is saying to us. Don't worry if you haven't heard God's voice yet. You actually have heard his voice before, but you just haven't noticed it before, which is completely okay. I didn't learn how to understand God's words until very recently, so don't panic! It will come in time.) Now, back to my story! So, given these choices, I decided to be stubborn and push through the pain, exhaustion, and dizziness for the sense of accomplishment I would feel at the end. I also stuck with the hike because I absolutely LOVE being in nature. It is my favorite visual reminder of God's artistry!
I guess my point of all this is that because I followed God's lead this weekend, He rewarded me by helping me recover more easily from the adventure. God works in mysterious ways like this. He gives us free will, for reasons I will never understand, but He still has a plan for us. He still knows our desires and values them, so He respects them, and gives you opportunities to expand your horizons and deepen your relationship with Him. Along with less pain, He also rewarded me with an AMAZING weekend. There is so much I want to share with you all, but if I were to share all of it I would be typing for days... So I'll share my favorite moments. For those of you who have been on a church retreat before, you know how aware you are of God's presence the entire time. For those of you who haven't, I'll happily explain it to you. Imagine a room filled with people that you have gotten to know and love, discovering some of their quirks, strengths, weaknesses, and laughing with them along the way. Now imagine every single one of them singing their hearts out praising God. When this happens, the Holy Spirit emanates from each person's soul and fills the spaces of the entire room. It felt to me like we were standing in a sea of love- God's love, my love, their love, our love. In those moments, all I can do is smile, lift my hands, and praise God. I could have worshiped with those people all day and been completely content.
I'd like to end today's post with a blessing that we ended our retreat with: Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him, all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
Love always,
Sierra

Surrealism

I'm having yet another surreal moment right now. I'm sitting in Starbucks on campus listening to music and organizing my schedule, when I realize that I am the college student. I am here, living on my own, going to college at my dream school, and I can't help but feel blessed despite the hardships. There was a time that I doubted that I would be able to go to college, let alone move away from home, yet here I am! Ooh that just reminded me of a song from one of my favorite movies!! Spirit, Stallion of the Cimarron. I love that movie because it is all about horses and their personalities and warm hearts for humans, but also because of the music. The music just happens to be co-written by Bryan Adams and Hans Zimmer, so you know, no big deal... just a fairly successful 80's rockstar and the composer of movies such as the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. Of course, when I was little I had no idea who these people were, I just liked the music, but it's cool to make that connection now. Anyways... The song "Here I Am" in Spirit has lyrics of: "Here I am, this is me. There's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be. It's a new world, it's a new start, it's a life with the beating of a young heart, it's a new place, it's a new land, and it's waiting for me. Here I am. Here we are, we've just begun and after all this time my time has come. Here we are, still going strong. Right here in the place where we belong." I love it when normal songs like this make me think of God. This song was written to be about a horse becoming the leader of a herd, and the responsibilities that come with being the leader, yet 18 year old me hears God's voice in it. It's always exciting to see the different ways God speaks to us, whether it's a song that's stuck in your head or a person or situation in your life. Once you start looking, you see God everywhere. You see him in both the beauty and pain, which is a double edged sword.
It's hard to think about God in relation to pain. Me with my math brain, I think of it like an equation relating God and pain, like they are opposites to one another: God/pain (God divided by pain). I've come up with a new relationship now, though: God=Pain. I don't mean God is the same thing as pain, I mean God is proportional to pain. If you have more pain in your life, God reaches out even further to you. He does not do this because the ones with pain are His favorites, but because He gives everybody equal opportunity to follow Him. He understands that those of us with pain have less to give, and He's okay with that. Many of us, including myself, investigate this and wonder, if God can support us when we have more pain, why does He not also take some of our pain away? I don't have a definitive answer for this one, guys. It's an age-old question that I don't think will ever be answered on Earth, however I can share with you my opinion of the matter. If we lived in a perfect world, everybody would be praising God of their own free will, but a perfect world does not and will never exist. The only time that there ever has existed a perfect world was with the Garden of Eden, but that world was corrupted by the same thing that corrupts our world: sin. I see sin and Satan as synonymous because Satan encourages sin, just as I see God and love as synonymous because God encourages love. I believe that God has a plan for each and every one of our lives, and we may choose to follow it or not, but either way, His plan will be corrupted by sin. Fortunately, God accounts for this and makes it possible for us to survive and thrive. Satan makes life difficult, but God makes life possible. Because we have free will, God's plan does not always shine through every single person's life, and because we are human, most of the time we will not see God's plan. We might only see the suffering left in its wake, and when that is the case, it is time for us to take comfort in God's embrace. You could try to understand every aspect of the plan, but then you would waste your whole life looking for something that, simply by having faith, in the end you will find: Heaven.
"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere."
James 3:17
Love always,
Sierra

God is Great, Dorms Are Good, and People Are Crazy

Anyone get the reference? The title of this blog is inspired by a country song, the lyrics of which are "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy." For some reason, this song has been playing over and over in my head today. Don't worry, the main parts I agree with are that God is great and people are crazy ;P
For most of my life, I've been told that college tends to be the best years of your life, so I've been expecting amazingness for 18 years now. Surprisingly, my expectations are being succeeded! I can already feel myself growing in ways I never could even begin to imagine, and it is all thanks to God. God hand picked each and every person that is in my life. That's crazy to think about, isn't it? And it's true for every single person on earth! God has created the most intricate, beautiful, perfect puzzle ever! Unfortunately, a bad dog has come and chewed up some of the puzzle pieces. This is an example of my personal belief that God does not give us something unless good will come from it. One thing I forgot to mention in my last post is that sometimes, there are situations that are just plain terrible, and nothing good will come from them. I believe that God doesn't create those situations, only Satan does. Satan is the bad dog that tries to ruin the puzzle just because the pieces taste good. Since God gives us free will, He cannot just replace the disfigured pieces. Instead, He offers to reshape the pieces and make the puzzle whole once again. This brings us to the end of my puzzle analogy since puzzle pieces don't have choices of their own, but we do. We have the choice to follow God. That is my favorite part about Christianity, that it is a choice. On Earth, people can be forced into "faith," but they don't have true faith, and God can see that. God can also see those who don't have what we humans consider as "faith." The human meaning of faith is not the true meaning of faith. Someone might not practice religion or even express their opinions on it during their lifetime, but in their hearts, they accepted God. I believe that God sees these people's hearts and offers heaven to them. This is why God is great. Because He does not SEE you, He KNOWS you.

In the dorms, when you are living with people you barely know, you actually get to know them fairly quickly. For the most part, you can figure out who's who and who you might want to be a part of your life. These first impressions are from what we see, and while I consider myself a good judge of character, (sorry for the moment of cockiness) I have been wrong about people more times than I care to admit. God is never wrong, though. He doesn't make mistakes. I can't even fathom that perfection! People are so imperfect that even our idea of perfection isn't perfect! (Wow that's a confusing sentence.) Get ready for more confusion! While people are imperfect, we are also perfect, because we are God's creation, and He never makes mistakes. Now to the point of the confusing perfection talk: accept that you're perfect just the way you are, and you will be accepting faith in God. It's that simple. You don't need to understand what you believe in. Heck, I have no clue what exactly I believe in! There are so many parts about faith that I doubt, but I choose to put those doubts aside and take it in faith. Faith is believing in something in spite of every fact pointing the opposite direction, every person being against you, and you not believing in yourself. Set all these things aside, accept that you're perfect, and accept God. I can promise you that you will never regret it. 

"For we live by faith, not by sight... For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, so that each of us might receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."

2 Corinthians 5:7,10

Love always,

Sierra

A God-Filled Life

So you know how you have those moments where all of a sudden, you're completely aware of God's presence? You feel him in the people next to you, in the music, and He even fills in the nooks and crannies! In that moment, you hear God's voice in your head telling you, "This is where you are meant to be. This moment. These people. These experiences. You are my perfect child, following my perfect plan." Your heart beams with happiness and love, and you breathe in the Holy Spirit. Since I have arrived at UC Davis, God has blessed me with these moments of awakening every single day, and that is how I know that I am where I am meant to be. The exhaustion, pain, stress, and worry are all worth it, because for the first time in years, happiness is overflowing in my life. I'm not saying that I have been unhappy for the past three years, but I did not see my life as the blessing it truly is. When pain is a daily part of your life, it takes a lot of effort to look past it and see the good things. I have found that when I am busy doing things I choose to do, I am happy, whether I am choosing to do church, school, hang outs with friends, etc. If I am choosing to spend my energy on it, I am determined to enjoy it. Part of the struggle of high school was that it was forced on me. I had no choice but to spend six hours of my day at school (on the days I could make it to school at least). Since I am stubborn and always find little ways to do everything my own way, I "rebelled" against the forced six hours of school by choosing to do AP classes. Looking back, I see that my main motivation for AP classes was God. He told me to push myself because He knew I could succeed, and now I have. Okay so I'm about to say something really cheesy that I hated hearing, but now I see that it is true. Ready? Here goes: there is a point to your suffering. Good will come of it. It SUCKS to suffer, but you truly will become a better person because of it. I feel like I can tell you this now because I'm not done with my suffering, so I'm in the same boat you are. The only difference is that I have arrived at the point in my life where I am starting to see the good things that can and will come from my headaches. College really does change you. For the first time ever, I am in charge of my own life, and there are lots of things that I could do with that. I expected myself to take charge the second I got the chance, but I felt myself holding back. I was in a holding pattern until I found my new community. Coming to Davis, I knew I wanted to start off early with a church group. I planned on trying a different youth group every night of the first week, but then all of a sudden it was Friday and I hadn't been to one. So, I told myself that I was going to go to church on Sunday, whatever church I could get to. The thing was that I needed a ride to church, so I literally typed "UC Davis rides to church" into Google, and once I vetted the website, emailed them for a ride. It worked out perfectly, and I knew the second I sat in the car that I was where I was meant to be. I saw God in the people, felt the Holy Spirit in the church, and felt the love and open arms of the congregation. Every single time I have been with the people of the youth group, I have felt God with us. I have felt God more in the past three weeks alone than I have in the past three months. This is why I can give you cheesy advice, because God has proven it to be true. God has proven to me that my pain will continue bringing good into my life. I can tell you firsthand that God will prove it to you as well. Your pain will bring good. The pain will still be pain, and it will still suck, but God will also still be with you every step of the way. All He needs you to do is accept His help. Literally, he is just waiting for you to accept him. That is ALL you need to do. He will do the rest. And I can promise you that it will be worth it.
"If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."
Romans 10:9
Love always,
Sierra

Please Set Goals

Well, contrary to my own belief as well as popular belief, it is possible to get yourself out of a rut. For most of the summer actually, I have been biding my time waiting for better opportunities to come along, from a lower pain level to going away to college. Unfortunately, biding my time was not as enjoyable as I expected it to be, so after a few months of it, my body as well as my mind was stuck in a rut routine of doing nothing. Thankfully though, God is on my side, so I am slowly building up my strength to be ready to go to UC Davis in a few weeks! 15 days until move in day, to be exact. It's amazing how some sort of goal can really change your perspective on the present. My goal is to be ready physically, mentally, and emotionally to go to Davis. Davis has been my goal for the past two years, and now that I am finally merely days from achieving it, I am acquiring some new goals. Even though it sounds kind of crazy to be making new goals before achieving my current ones, it keeps me on top of my game. I'm sure not all people are like me, but everybody has that one thing that makes them tick, keeps them motivated even in the slowest, most boring times of their lives. Hopefully, this past summer will have been my slowest, most boring time of my life because that means that I am at least going to enjoy my next few months! However, even if you aren't as keen on setting goals for yourself, it is still a smart thing to do. Having set goals, if they are positively realistic, will give you motivation for the important things in life. I'm not saying that you need to sit down with a pen and legal pad and write down your goals for life, love, happiness, houses, etc., or even make any kind of record of your goals, but I am merely suggesting that you record your goal in your mind. Right about now, I'm sure some of you are wondering why you should take life advice from an eighteen year old girl with migraines, and frankly, I'm wondering that myself. Logically, I don't know why God wants me to keep this blog, because I have not even lived through half of my lifespan, yet I am giving others tips on how to live a long happy life. I do know, however, that if I followed every single one of my logical thoughts, I would not still be seeing my doctor, and I most definitely would not have a relationship with God. There is a time in your life for logic, a time for faith, and a time to combine them. When you set goals for yourself, the goal needs to be thought of through a logical method of thinking, but you also need to have faith that God will give you grace to make some mistakes along the way. One of the mistakes I often make with goals is that I expect myself to accomplish them quickly and easily, no matter how unattainable they may seem. I expect a lot from myself, more than I am capable of, so the person I disappoint most in my life is myself. Again, thinking logically, I should just have lower expectations of myself right? Yeah, no... it's just not that easy for me. The thing is, everybody is unique. None of you is going to completely relate to every single thing I post on this blog, but hopefully all of you will be able to relate to at least a single thing on this blog, and I guess that is the reason why I write to you. God works in mysterious ways. Have faith and trust that God will guide you in every step of the way when setting goals for yourself. Most importantly, set your goals for God's timeline, not your own. If you try to rush or drag on your life, you could miss the best parts of it. God's timeline is perfection, even though we cannot see the whole thing.
"Then the Lord said to me, 'Write my answer plainly on tablets, so that a runner can carry the correct message to others. This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.'"
Habakkuk 2:2-3
Love always,
Sierra

So Now What?

Sorry for the long time between my last somewhat disturbing post and this one, but I needed some time to process the results of the doctor appointment. To make a long story short, it has been confirmed that the six day hospital treatment did not work this time. I say this time because seven months ago, it did work, and my doctor said that there's a possibility that if I tried it again sometime in the future, it would work. I am definitely not planning on getting the treatment anytime soon, so that left me wondering what comes next. When I asked my doctor this, I expected another drastic treatment to become part of the discussion, but instead, she prescribed me a new daily medicine. I have tried lots of different kinds of daily medicines, and so far none of them has made a significant difference in my daily pain level. So, when this was the only suggestion, I was and still am a little disappointed. Even though realistically, I know that there is no "cure-all" treatment or medicine, but a small part of me was still hoping for one on the eve of the appointment. Since this disappointment was the only feeling I felt immediately after the appointment, I cried for a good part of the drive home. Remember how I was talking about stages of grief? Well, I felt grief after the appointment, and I have been dealing with it in some mini-stages of my own. The first one, the feeling of intense disappointment, anger, and helplessness, lasted for about two days after the appointment. The first stage of my grief was gone when I woke up on Sunday morning. I woke raring to go, determined to have a good day: I made breakfast with my mom, cleaned my room, went out to lunch with a good friend, and spent some quality time with my family. This burned me out, so I spent the rest of the day relaxing. On Monday, yesterday, I woke lethargic and sore, with not a lot of emotional energy. My "migraine-brain" immediately expected to feel this way for a couple days, and on I went to the next stage of my grieving: the pain of the loss of the future I expected. Luckily, this only lasted for a day. I don't know how or why it only lasted a day, but I am grateful, because the only feeling I had during the next stage was depression. I won't go into the details, and it wasn't extreme depression like you should be concerned for my well-being, but the temporary depression that everybody feels when grieving the loss of something or someone important. So that brings us to today, Tuesday. I had a counseling appointment today, and God prepared me for it. This morning I woke up refreshed. I did not wake up with less pain than yesterday, but with a different mindset. Instead of seeing the future I lost, I saw the reality. I am going to be stuck with this migraine that I have right now for the near to possibly distant future. I woke up ready to strategize, plan out a realistic future for my college time. I am planning on meeting with the student disabilities center and the Dean's Office at UC Davis next week to discuss the details about my accommodations, considering changing my schedule, and actively thinking about other ways to make me successful at Davis. By "successful," I don't necessarily mean "get straight A's," but I want to have the ability to do the best that I can and prevent any hindrances that could possibly stop me from being successful. (If I do get straight A's, that would be awesome though.) Right now, I am in a stage of acceptance and transformation. I am accepting the fact that my pain level might not get better for college. I am changing the mindset I had for college and everything that goes with it. I am communicating as best as I can with my family, friends, and health advisors. I am working to build a good future for myself. However, I am not doing any of this alone. God is with me. God is on my side. God is holding me up. God is guiding me. God loves me.
I mentioned in my last post that I did not feel God with me, and I am ecstatic to say that that feeling did not last. The first time I felt God again was with my friend on Sunday. Since I am not a normal teenager, I cannot be a normal friend to all the friends who are great friends to me, and I often feel guilty about that. I also feel left out when I can't go to a hang out, whether I'm invited or not or a trip to the beach versus to the ice cream shop. My friend Shannon and I had planned to hang out earlier last week, and twice we had to reschedule, ending up having lunch on Sunday together. I felt guilty about rescheduling and not being a good friend, but being with Shannon, that guilt fell away. Shannon has this innate ability to light up my perspective just in a two hour lunch "date." I have been friends with her for practically my whole life, and she and I are very alike. We go to the same church, have similar family situations, and have similar views and beliefs about school, relationships, faith, and life in general. My point about all of this is that God shined His light through Shannon on Sunday. He was able to speak to me through her in a time when I did not even expect it. Now, looking back, I can see that God was pushing me towards spending time with Shannon, and outside forces were resisting. Not only was I reminded in the moment with Shannon that God loves me, but I was reminded that even though I could not feel Him before, He really was with me. I strayed away from his path, but I could never stray away from his presence. I encourage you to try to stop and look at your life and look for moments and situations like mine. Moments when it would be easier to stay in your safe bubble, but you have the opportunity to change it. Don't choose the easy path. Even if you can only try, just try. Make the effort when I didn't. I could have saved myself days of emotional pain had I spent some of my time and energy with Shannon sooner.
Now, I have a message for you all. It took me a while to listen to it, and I probably will have to hear it again, but here is a reminder for you. God is with you. God is on your side. God is holding you up. God is guiding you. God loves you. GOD LOVES US. I could write that 1,000,000,000,000,000 times and still not accurately express just how much God loves us all. I'm going to do my best not to ever forget that, and I hope you can too.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor demons, nor things present nor the future, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:37-39

Love always,
Sierra

My Trial of Honesty

So tomorrow I'm going to see my headache specialist. I don't know if I want to go or not, because I don't know what she is going to say. What I have to say is that so far, the treatment isn't working. It seems to me that I spent six days in the hospital and a month recovering from that for nothing. I had a plan. I actually had lots of plans that I never finished because of these stupid headaches. This summer, I was going to sacrifice going to Disneyland with two of my best friends for six days in the hospital to be able to go to college as a normal person. I was going to have a sucky month of summer but then get better and be able to spend time with the people I care about and probably won't see for a very long time. I was going to actually have fun on a regular basis instead of being miserable, having fun, then being more miserable after having fun, then going back to normal miserable. Instead of all that wonderfulness, I have been stuck at home for most of the summer, watching movies and shows to keep myself distracted from the pain. Instead, I don't remember the last time I had fun without having to hold back because of pain. Instead, I have a short temper, a low level of energy, and disappointment. Usually I post about the sucky stuff that I go through and then put a positive spin on it, but I'm having a hard time making it positive right now. I can't feel God and I can't hear him because of the pain, and I don't even have the energy to try to find Him. I don't usually like showing or telling anybody just how horrible I feel, because I like putting up a brave face, a happy face, like my life is perfect. I don't really know why I do this, but I know that it hasn't helped so far. So, I'm going to try being honest, in the best way I can think of, by sharing with you guys. I would really appreciate your prayers that when I see my doctor tomorrow, she will have a reasonable explanation for all of this crap. I just really need some relief, in any way possible.
I don't have a quote or a verse today, but still sending you love always,
Sierra

At Least Some Dreams Will Come True

Hey there! I know it has been a while since I have posted, and I'm sorry for that, but I'm back now! Has anyone ever played the game "Never Have I Ever"? I'll give you a summation of it just in case you haven't: basically people say "Never have I ever..." and fill in with something they have never done, like for instance, I might say "Never have I ever owned a cat," because, well, I have never owned a cat. Simple, right? So I'm going to play that game with you guys right now.
Never have I ever been to a Taylor Swift concert.
Never have I ever cried at a Taylor Swift concert.
Never have I ever screamed my lungs out at a Taylor Swift concert.
Never have I ever sang my heart out at a Taylor Swift concert.
Never have I ever danced so much I got dizzy at a Taylor Swift concert.
Whoops! I played the game wrong, which was kind of silly of me since I just explained it to you... As of last night, I have done all of those things!!!!!!! :D Here's a correct "Never have I ever" statement:

Never have I ever been to a better concert than Taylor Swift's 1989 world tour.

I have been dreaming about going to a Taylor Swift concert since I first sat at the computer in my house and watched a video of her performing "Should've Said No." That moment was about eight years ago, and since then I have added to the dream. I met my boyfriend four years ago, when we were freshmen in high school, and the second I learned he loved Taylor Swift as much as I did, we were fast friends. Well, one thing led to another, and it became our dream to go to one of her concerts together, and last night we finally did it!!! We went to a Taylor Swift concert!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I've only heard good things about her concerts, so I had high expectations for the night, and those expectations were exceeded in every single way possible. Her music was on point, her outfits were Swifty, the dancers were flawless, and she left her heart on that stage, just like each of her fans danced, cheered, clapped, even dressed their hearts out just to listen to her sing her music, myself included. Those of you who know me fairly well see me as a quiet person, but those of you who truly know me know better than that. I am kind of a crazy person... as the people sitting near me last night found out the second Taylor hit that stage! I was screaming, dancing, singing, fist pumping, shaking my bootay, like crazy for practically the whole concert!!! Not only was the music and atmosphere overwhelmingly amazing, but Taylor made me cry. I never cry about anything besides pain, girly problems, grief, or drama with my headaches. I don't cry during chick flicks, and I haven't cried at a touching sermon since freshman year, but I cried when Taylor had a heart-to-heart with the crowd. She talked about perfection and how striving for it ends up being worse than pushing through imperfection. I have found this out for myself time and time again, but I still want perfection. I like everything to be perfect, from school projects to marching band performances, so it only makes sense that I want my life to be perfect too. For things like school and band, striving for perfection is encouraged and rewarded, but in life, striving for perfection beats you down until you start to wish you had never tried. Most people go to a concert to have fun and let off some steam, then can get back to their daily lives with the memory of the fun pushing them forward. I go to a concert to do the same, have fun, but I also go to enjoy something without holding back because of fear of the pain that will come afterwards. I definitely did not hold myself back last night, and today I am paying for it. My head hurts a lot and there is nothing I can do about it but distract myself until I recover. This is a part of my imperfect life that I have to live with. Luckily, Taylor didn't let me down, so I do not regret going at all. When you have pain every day, you get used to it and learn how it works, so you start delegating your time, energy, and pain (as much as you can control) as you see fit. Most of the time, I save my energy for the important things like school and familial obligations, but every once in a while I get to save my energy for something fun. The concert was my first fun thing I've saved for in a very long time. Luckily, I am surrounded by people who support me in my choices, even though me having some fun might make their lives a little harder. For example, today I have been unable to help with any household chores, so even though my sisters have homework to do, they had to do the work themselves. I appreciate these little things that they do more than they will ever know. I appreciate that my family is as understanding as possible with my condition and that they want me to still be able to have fun as well as do what is necessary. Every single person at the concert was given a bracelet to wear, and when the concert started, they lit up with the music, colored according to the mood of the song!!!! Taylor told us that she gave us these bracelets because she wanted to see us in the crowd as 50,000 individuals, not a black abyss with a few signs and lights. Okay side note: 50,000 people!!!! That is a LOT of people!! That's more people than the population of most Midwest towns! Getting back on track here now, Taylor talking about each of us being an individual really opened my eyes once again to the reality that I am not the only person in the world who is going through something difficult. The fact that it is so easy for me to feel alone in this struggle, even when people I love are right next to me makes me wonder how alone people feel when they don't have someone they love right next to them. Yes, everybody has a burden to bear, but not everybody has people that help them support the weight. Even though I am not with you, I want to be able to help you. If you need advice or just someone to listen, I'm here for you. I can't promise that I am going to be available for you 24/7, but I can say that I will do my best to support you in any way that I can. Somehow, Taylor Swift has helped me through my headaches without knowing who I am. Her music alone can take me from hating every single imperfection to seeing the beauty in the big picture. It numbs the pain, even momentarily, so that I have the strength to look to the ones I love that are there to support me. She may never read this, but I would just like to thank her for that. Her music means more to me than I could ever express.
"I don't think that imperfections make us tarnished or damaged, and I actually wrote a song about it. About how walking through rainstorms doesn't make you tarnished or damaged at all. The lessons that you take away from it make it the opposite. I think that going through a lot and coming out the other side of it, can make you, in fact, clean."
-Taylor Swift
Love always,
Sierra

I'm Dreaming

I think that I should reiterate my goals for this blog. I do not write for sympathy or to complain about my problems. I love that you pray for me, care about me and connect with me, but I'm not asking for you to send me notes of sympathy. I appreciate it and am not telling you not to do it, I just want to make sure that it's clear that it is not my intention. I do not mean for this blog to be about me. Yes, I am sharing MY own experiences, but not only for my own benefit. This blog I s helping me to express my feelings, but that is a "side effect" of my cause. 

Now onto the fun!! I am currently in Wisconsin. Why am I in the land of cheese you may ask? Because I have tons of family here. I love family. It is the best thing in the world. Family does not only apply to your "blood brothers," but also to those who love you and make sacrifices for you. I don't mean sacrifice their life or jump in front of a bullet for you, but when you are lonely, hurting, depressed, or just looking for some fun, family is standing right beside you. God is a part of our family as well. God is the perfect dad. He does not overreact about your boy troubles or you not doing the dishes, but He does give you advice and love you as his baby girl or baby boy. He also sees your dreams, and works with you to make them come true. He understands your deepest fears and desires, and He supports you unconditionally in your endeavors. Every time I come to Wisconsin, I love it more. I love the random patches of woods around the crop fields. I love the picket fences and the animals, particularly the horses, behind them. I love the atmosphere of open air, the small towns where everybody knows everybody. I love that my family lives in an area that I love visiting. When I am upset, I often dream of the life I want when I'm older. I've been doing this since I was old enough to understand the concept of life. Currently, my dream is to become a doctor, form a family, retire to a horse farm, and live to see my great grandkids. Visiting the Midwest always reminds me why I love the country so much. Being here shows me how hard some people work just to put food on the table, and how they never complain about it either. People like that are people I want my kids to grow up around.

The other day, I watched a movie called "Unconditional." It was about a woman whose kindhearted husband was killed in a robbery and her steady decline after his passing. She almost committed suicide, but through the help of her childhood friend and her experiences with people who have less opportunity than her. There are many good quotes in the movie, and this one relates to my life really well, "I used to dream of telling stories, but I never dreamed that mine would end up like this." I had big dreams for my life before the migraines came along. I was going to take as many AP courses as possible, work as hard as I could, and get all A's. This sounds conceited, but that was a realistic goal for me at the time. I had many dreams, and not one of them involved migraines. I always thought that I'm the only person I know who had an opportunity taken from them because mine was the worst, but that's not true. Nobody's life ends up exactly how they wants it to, but it ends up where God wants it to. Seemingly trivial things end up making a world of difference because they are guided by God's hand. 

If you have never visited anywhere other than your hometown, I highly encourage some adventure. I'm not saying you should hop on a plane to Greece for two months, but find a place that makes you feel happy and safe, then find another. The journey to get you there will be just as important as the places you go. Here's another good quote from "Unconditional," "It ain't a dead end if it takes you where you needed to go." So I guess my headaches are taking me to a place I need to go, and God is guiding me the whole way there. The same goes for each one of you. If you see a dead end up ahead, go all the way up to it before you turn around, because that is where the beauty of life lies. 

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

1 Peter 5:10

Love always,

Sierra

Reactions

So I'm the kind of person to see a problem in my life and try to fix it. I usually end up trying so hard to fix it that once it's no longer a problem, I don't enjoy it cause I'm just exhausted. This is what I do and I've accepted that because I can handle it. I can handle it because it's in my control. When it comes down to it, I choose how I react to things. For a long time, I only thought it was possible to choose your physical actions like cleaning your room, talking to a troubled friend, doing your homework, etc. What I have since learned is that you have the ability to control every single reaction that you have, the key word there being "ability." I also have the ability to train for a triathlon or learn to speak German, but I can't even run a mile without crying or say anything other than thank you, which is "danke shun" by the way, (and I probably spelled it wrong.) The one thing I don't have the ability to do is live without migraines. My body physically cannot function without them. I like to blame myself for the troubles in my life, and so I say to myself, "if only you had tried harder..." "You should have stopped this before it got too far..." Blah blah blah. Another thing I've accepted about myself. Because I've accepted this, I don't know how to accept the migraines, that there is literally nothing I could have ever done that would have prevented the pain I have felt, am feeling, and will continue to feel for the rest of my life. I still continue to fight that fact. I don't want to accept that I'm going to have to deal with this shit for the rest of my life. (Excuse my language, I never ever cuss unless the situation is worthy, and I think this situation definitely is worthy of a little swearing.) Even though I am surrounded by wonderful people who love me and will do anything to help me, I often feel alone. Nobody can share this burden with me. My dad is a goofy guy, and to cheer me up when my head is really bad, he comes over to me, puts his hand on my head, and makes a suction noise with his mouth, then he puts his hand on his own head and says "I sucked the pain out of your head and put it in mine." While this doesn't physically work, it usually emotionally works a little bit because it's a reminder that I'm not alone. Here comes another cheesy feel good yet valid line: You are not alone. You are never alone, even though it may feel like you are. Even when you cannot feel Him, God is there. 

Usually, when you can't feel God, it's because you've lost a little bit of your spirit. You've given up, whether momentarily or permanently, so you are more susceptible to negative thoughts. In that negative moment, I'm sorry to say this, but you probably are not going to have the will to make yourself feel better. In those moments, God sends a messenger to comfort you. Today, I'm not going to talk about the rock bottom part of the process of life. Instead, I'm going to talk about the path towards rock bottom and how you can lead yourself back uphill instead of downhill. Too many metaphors for you..? In simple terms, I'm going to introduce you to the process your brain goes through when it reacts to something in your life. To start off, I'll use an example. In the past two to three months, my headache has been completely unpredictable and has not reached a pain level lower than a 6. This week or next week, the medicine from the hospital should be kicking in and starting to make my pain more manageable a little bit at a time. Two days ago, my pain was all over the place for the whole day, ranging from a 6 to a 9. The first time the pain lowered to a 6, I was excited because I hoped it meant the medicine was finally working. When it jumped back up to an 8 not long later, I thought of it as a fluke. As the day went on and the pain kept fluctuating, I stopped getting excited when the pain was less and didn't expect it to last. We'll call this feeling 1. Feeling 1 is the automatic reaction my brain had to the day. That automatic feeling, you can't control, but every reactionary feeling after that, you can. Feeling 1 brought up Feeling 2, which was frustration because the pain wasn't better. When I noticed this feeling, I stopped and said to myself, "now wait a minute. A week ago you didn't even have moments where your pain was a 6. A 6 is a blessing. Be thankful." I have been practicing for a while now, so feeling 2 is the healthy response to feeling 1. 6 months ago, my feeling 2 would have still been frustration, but that frustration would've led to sadness, anger, depression, annoyance, the list goes on and on until I ended up on the couch with an ice pack crying while watching tangled. 

Trying to retrain your brain to be able to stop and think about your emotions is hard work. I've been at it for 6 months and I still kinda suck at it. All that you need to do to start is notice how you react to things. You don't even have to think about the emotions, just look at them, acknowledge them, and see what comes next. Also, you don't have to have an illness or injury to retrain your brain. Everybody's brain could use a little TLC. 

“So that you may live... bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.”

Colossians 1:10-12 NIV

Love always,

Sierra

P.S. If you ever need help with your brain, God is an expert on the brain. I mean, he did create it and all... ;)

Disney One-Liners

I decided to make this post a little different than my others. Instead of bible verses, I will be using Disney quotes. Wisdom and inspiration can come from the most random things in life, and for me, Disney is a bright example of that.
"The past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it." -Rafiki
Yesterday, I saw my counselor (we'll call her Si) for the first time since the hospital. That woman and I are like the same person in different bodies. She is a nerd, talks a lot, and is passionate about her work... Sound like anyone we know? Well, a few months ago, Si found a good way of categorizing the emotional side effects of having chronic migraines. My migraine causes me grief. Not grief like troubles, but grief like the feeling you have when a loved one dies. My old self died when my migraine started. Typically, there are stages of grief, and healthy grieving is moving slowly but steadily onward through these stages. I will use Elizabeth Ross's "stages" of grief:
1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance
When dealing with a loss of a person, a job, a pet, etc., healthy grieving is going through the stages one by one, only moving forward. With my grief, I have gone through each stage multiple times, which would be considered unhealthy if I was grieving like most people. Grief typically describes the feeling that you get as a result of one singular event. If you look at the past two years and next few years to come as a singular event, then I should go through the stages of grief when my daily migraine ends. This seems logical, right?... Well it also brings up the question of how I should be feeling in the five years the broadly singular event is occurring. I've decided that nothing about my situation can be considered normal. I cannot live like a normal person. I cannot be a normal person, so why do I feel the need to grieve like a normal person? Probably because it is just human nature, but that still doesn't help me know how to grieve in a healthy way. I guess I should say why I need to grieve healthily, huh? Well the way I see it is every day I have a giant unhealthy problem in my life, so being unhealthy in any other area of my life would just make life all the more difficult. You may also be wondering why I am sharing this with all of you, how this could relate to your life. All too often, people try to put themselves in the same category as others because nobody likes to be alone, particularly in tough situations. Even though you may not have migraines, physical pain, or pain every day, you do not have to grieve like everybody else. However, if you have suffered a singular loss, do try to stay in the norm, for your own sake.
"I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now." -Edna Mode
Just like Rafiki, Edna understands the importance of living in the present. Sometimes, I do not want to live in the present, because in the present moment, I am in a lot of pain. I try to distract myself, usually by watching tv, talking with friends and family, or listening to music. These distractions help me continue living in the present. When I am not easily distracted because of the higher level of pain, I tend to live in the past. I think of where I could be if I hadn't gotten migraines and start wishing my life was different. Wishing your life was different does not actually change anything... In fact, it makes the present moment worse. When this happens, and I head even further down the downwards spiral, I move to the depression stage. I am constantly moving between the stages of grief, and living in the past pushes me in a negative direction. For me, healthy grieving is steadily moving through the stages, but I do not always have to move from 1 to 5 to be in a healthy place. Any of you dealing with daily pain of some sort are in the same boat as me. Don't feel the need to be like everybody else and make it to the acceptance stage as quickly as possible. For those of you with lifelong issues like migraines, the acceptance stage is neverending. You will never fully move past your pain, because it is part of your daily life, whether you actually feel the pain daily or not. Having a lifelong problem is scary. There will be times when you think you cannot make it any further in your journey. That, you are just going to have to accept. You will not always be happy, but then again, nobody is happy 100% of the time. Honestly, you might never be happy even 50% of the time, but it does not matter how often or how long you are happy. Only the quality of your happiness is important.
"Remember you're the one who can fill the world with sunshine." -Snow White
I have faith in you. You are strong enough to make it through your life just the way it is. This is a fact. God does not give you things you cannot handle, but you must choose to fight. You are strong enough, but I could never convince you of that. You have to convince yourself that you are strong enough to make it through every single moment of your life. Never forget that you are never alone.
"Promise me you'll always remember you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." -Winnie the Pooh
Love always,
Sierra

The Future

Sorry for the ominous title but I couldn't help myself... ;) Most of us spend too much time in our lives thinking about the future instead of enjoying the present, and I am no exception. Part of having a headache every day is learning how to manage and balance everything in your life. I have an endless list of things that I want to do. I have plans for my future- near and far. I want to become a doctor, a fun doctor, that kids enjoy seeing. I don't want kids to enjoy seeing me because it will make me feel good, but because it will make their experience in the hospital a bearable one instead of a traumatic one. I want to be "the doctor who prays with you" in the hospital that I end up working in. I want to enjoy my time at college in every way possible, from my roommate to my campus experience. I want to own horses and 20 dogs, all rescued from the shelter. I want to own cats, even though I am allergic to them, that will live outside in the barn eating the mice that appear. I want to be a wife, mother, grandmother, and great grandmother before I die... I could go on forever. These are all daydreams that I escape to when I'm lying in bed at night, waiting to fall asleep. I'm sure each of you has your own daydreams that you escape to, and they are wonderful, am I right?!! I don't know about all of you, but often times when I am daydreaming, I hear a little voice in the back of my head telling me it's not possible. A part of me is tired of reaching for the stars and falling short. When high school ended, I saw brighter days in my near future. So far, I have not had many bright days. The majority of my summer has been spent lying around with an ice pack on my head. Some of you know exactly what that feels like, the feeling of helplessness as you hope and hope for better days that seem to never come. You don't have to have headaches to feel that way. People feel helpless because of multiple reasons: a job they hate but need, an abusive relationship, the loss of a loved one, a disability... Feeling trapped is one of the worst feelings in the world, and sometimes, it cannot be helped. In those situations, we look for someone to blame, even if one cannot be found. We spend time and energy fighting tooth and nail when we should be surrendering. Surrender is seen as failure because of all the war our world has seen. In war, surrender is the last option, even though it could save lives. In war, surrendering IS failing. In life, surrendering is winning, if you do it correctly. I am in no way telling you to surrender to your hardship. Keep on fighting with all of your heart. All that I suggest is fighting with the strongest ally by your side. When you surrender, you reveal your weaknesses. When you surrender to God, He compliments your weaknesses. Where you are weak, He is strong. He will fight with you, for you. When you stumble and fall, He has your back. It is easy to forget just how powerful God is. I know I forget, and even doubt it, but God always reminds me of His power. Right now, I am reminding you. God is your ally, one whose strength is never failing, who will never betray you and always love you, who will protect you and guide you. He is there.
"If you listen carefully to what he says and do all that I say, I will be an enemy to your enemies and will oppose those who oppose you."
Exodus 23:22
Love always,
Sierra

Short but Sweet

I only have time and energy for a quick little post tonight since it's past my bedtime... But I wanted to share that I am having fun summer times right now :) I'm at college orientation!! Meeting new people in my major and in others, reconsidering marching band, learning about horseback riding lessons, and getting ready to register for classes tomorrow!!! Eep!!! I'm registering for college tomorrow!!! 

I've been having moments of weakness in which my pain is overwhelming, so I get frustrated and sad. Because most of the other people here right now are registering for classes based on their preferences alone. I have to register based on my preferences and needs. My needs aren't always my wants... But that's life I guess. Also though, I've been seeing God today. I got a ride to one of the activities for the day, which helped a lot. I got an ice pack, albeit a makeshift awkward one, but still ice. I've found a good group of girls to hang out with and possibly study with in the near future! I have heard a lot today about how lots of people on campus are here ready and willing to help. The campus is with me. The Aggies are with me. God is with me. I can feel him filling my "God-shaped hole" right this second, and that is all the comfort and reassurance I need for now. 

To recap, I am having a great time and I cannot wait to be a permanent Aggie!! 

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."

Psalm 46:1

Love always,

Sierra

Perspective Isn't Everything

It has been too long since I posted, but I have had a crappy couple of days... I forgot that the week after being in the hospital is almost worse than actually being in the hospital. While I was in the hospital, I was expected to be in bed for most of the time, so I was more comfortable with just sitting and doing nothing while others were working around me. Since I've been home, I have not had much energy at all, but the rest of my family is still busy with work, chores, and life. While they have been cleaning, roofing (yes roofing, we are remodeling the patio), and hanging out with friends, I have been sitting doing nothing. It is nice to get out of doing the work, but at the same time, I feel guilty that I haven't been able to help. Last night was a low point emotionally for me, because I missed out on something other than cleaning. At 9:15 last night, my sister and her friend spontaneously decided to have a sleepover, so at 9:30, her friend was suddenly at my house. I LOVE spontaneous sleepovers! Usually when one of my sisters and I has friends over for a sleepover, we all get to hang out and stay up late together. Last night, I didn't get to hang out with them. When her friend came over, I was in bed... When I think about it, I am not actually all that disappointed that I didn't get to stay up late with our friend. I am actually disappointed because this is the summer of my freedom. My sisters have to start school in a few weeks, and I have two whole months left! Summer! Summer is staying up late watching chick flicks with your best friends, having pool parties and cupcake baking days, going on dates with your boyfriend, and having as much fun as possible. My summer is different than that though, and I hate that. I hate that I was in the hospital last week instead of hanging out with my friends. I hate that I am probably going to have to miss my best friend's birthday party this weekend because I will be exhausted. I hate that I have to go to bed early because I don't want to be awake and in pain anymore. Sometimes, I even feel like I hate God. After I am done saying everything that I hate about my life right now, (which I do too often), I tell myself to stop complaining because "it could be worse." I could have been in the hospital getting a cancer treatment instead of a migraine treatment. I could have had a seizure and almost died. I could have had this or that or this or... Yes. My life could be worse. I have realized that thinking "it could be worse" does not make me feel better at all, because I can't imagine being in a worse situation than the one I'm in right now. That is not because my situation is hell, but because I'm human. It is hard to accept the fact that sometimes, you just have to bear the pain. I do not get angry with God for the pain, but for my inability to affect the pain. I get angry that I am forced to accept the fact that I am in daily pain. In those times, it is hard for me to turn to God on my own, so God sends me a reminder. Sometimes it feels like I have a "Reminder" app on my phone that God controls, because when I have lost my way, someone finds me and leads me to God. The other day, my head was very bad, and I was frustrated. Then, I saw an email from my grandma saying that she bought me a book that she thought I would enjoy and that will deepen my understanding of God, and realized that I should pray to God. I thanked God for the reminder and asked him for help with my pain, and I felt a little better. For me, a little better is good enough.
Thinking that life could be worse shouldn't lift your burdens, and don't let anybody else tell you differently. Sometimes, burdens cannot be lifted, and you have to learn to carry the burden, no matter how much you don't want to. My goal is to bear pain skillfully, not to pretend that it is not there. One of the ways I bear the pain is by distracting myself, by watching Supernatural or RomComs or action movies or whatsoever. Just because I spend time with these distractions does not mean that their content influences my life in a negative way. Also, just because you do not have headaches every day does not mean that you don't deserve distractions as well. Don't use the excuse of "my life could be worse" to keep persevering when your hope and energy is expunged. That is no way to live. Everybody needs their own distractions and breaks from the hard parts of life, and doing so does not make you weak in any way, it just proves that you're human. Sometimes, being human sucks, but other times, you get to have sleepovers and pool parties. My party time will come in time, as will yours.
I have mentioned more than once that I have been watching the show Supernatural, which I am completely obsessed with by the way. At first, I felt guilty about watching it because it is a show about demons, monsters, hellhounds, and other evil things, but then in a later season, angels were introduced. So, my guilt was lifted because angels are heavenly, and therefore coincide with my faith. But, the show still includes demons and implies that God does not care about humanity and that angels are jealous of humans. So, the guilt remained. Just today actually, I realized that I do not watch Supernatural because I agree with its implications about life. I watch it and other shows and movies because of their subtle clues about humanity. Romance movies show that love is possible in ways beyond your soul mate; that before you can love another person, you first have to love yourself. Supernatural gives examples of how perspective creates compassion and empathy, not relief from pain, and America's Funniest Home Videos just makes me laugh. Everybody has to learn how to bear pain skillfully, and hopefully I can help others bear their pain whether it is like mine or not.
"Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well."
3 John 1:2
Love always,
Sierra

Day Six

I'm finally home!!! Well I got home earlier today and slept for a long time but now I'm awake and ready to share! My last infusion of DHE was at 6:30 this morning, and luckily I slept through most of it and didn't wake up nauseous. So when I woke up, my mom offered to get me a coffee, which I accepted of course. Then I ordered breakfast: pancakes and string cheese. By the time breakfast came, an hour later, I had gotten the PICC line removed and was just waiting for the paperwork to be discharged. Getting the tube out of my arm was a little bit uncomfortable... But cool at the same time! Now to start off, when I say "tube," the image that pops into my head is a PVC pipe. The tube in my vein was much much much smaller than that of course. So you have a visual, the tube's diameter was about 2 times smaller than that of the cords used on Apple headphones. Now here comes the cool part. You don't have nerves inside your veins, so I didn't feel the tube in my arm. All I felt was the tube pulling at the site it was inserted. It kinda stung, and was sore when she pressed gauze on it to stop it from bleeding. The cool part was that in order for the tube to come out easily, I had to hum while she was pulling it out. Sounds strange right? Well it's actually pretty cool why I needed to hum. When you breathe in, your lungs expand to let the air in, so it forms a sort of vacuum inside you. The rest of your body is then a small part of that vacuum, and sucks in as well. You can guess why I would not want the tube to be sucked back into my arm... The second the tube touched the outside air, it has the possibility to obtain germs that would then be passed right into my bloodstream if it went back inside my vein. So, humming is a way for the doctor to know for sure that I am breathing out, pushing the air out of me, forming a backwards vacuum, guiding the tube outside of my body. When I hummed, she (the doctor) gently pulled. 

When that was all done, I ate my breakfast, drank my coffee, and changed into a comfy outfit for the drive home. Usually I don't fall asleep in cars, and if I do, it's when I'm stretched all the way out in the very backseat with a blanket and pillows. Today, I slept almost the whole ride home with my head slumped over onto my arms, which were on the armrest. Then, I ate Taco Bell at home and took a nap. When I woke up, I watched more supernatural then we got Japanese food for dinner. Then I went to bed at 8:00 and woke up just a little bit ago, with enough energy to post. Then I will be sleeping some more. Even though I just sat there while I was in the hospital, I'm exhausted. I knew I would be, but I didn't realize  just how exhausted I would be. I'm mentally, physically, socially, and emotionally exhausted. I am going to have to build up my strength, because I can barely lift my laptop without being tired afterwards. Luckily, I've got nothing better to do than rest up this week, hopefully with some friends for part of the time too. 

Thank you all for your prayers, they carried me through the hospital and continue to carry me now. I think I'm gonna sleep now though.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

Love always, 

Sierra

Day Five

Finally!!! I'm almost done. I'm getting my second to last DHE infusion right now and I'm happy that it's almost over but not happy that I'm having this. Today was kind of a sucky day... I started off feeling pretty good! Then I started going downhill in the afternoon. Half an hour into my 2:30 PM infusion, I starting having pretty bad nausea. So, I took some Tums and waited another 20 minutes... Then called and asked for some nausea rescue medicine. Somehow my request was lost in communication, so 45 minutes later I still did not have relief from the nausea. When we called to ask what was taking so long, we realized that it had never been ordered. So I got to wait another hour for medicine. In the meantime, I watched supernatural. Usually watching an interesting movie or tv show distracts me well enough for a good enough period of time. Today I was just overwhelmed with different uncomfortable feelings... But later I realized that I was being proactive beyond just supernatural. I used a technique my counselor taught me, called "cut the cord." This technique helps me when my pain is overwhelming and I can't seem to do anything but think about it, complain about it, and cry about it, all three of which make the pain worse. So, "cut the cord" is the method i use when distraction alone isn't enough. What I do is when a thought comes up that sends me down the sad I have migraines road is I acknowledge the thought, determine whether thinking about it will send me in a good or bad direction, then act accordingly. Cut the cord is the action of acknowledging then moving on. Sometimes life seems like it needs a "cut the cord" moment. The moments that you lose hope, just stop thinking about feeling hopeless. Cause the second you stop thinking about it, hope returns. That is because God is waiting for you to stop fighting your battles on your own. He is hope. He is our hope. Our only hope. God's middle name is hope. Losing hope is easy. Getting it back is the hard part... Trust me, I speak from experience. I also happen to know that the second you ask for His support, God is there. Just keep the faith. 

"When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, He asked him, 'Do you want to get well'"

John 5:6

Love always,

Sierra 

Day Four

Okay so I am in the hospital right now but I am having so much fun learning!! Yesterday afternoon, I got to talk to a medical student currently enrolled in her third year at UCSF, and I really got the inside scoop on medical school. I was afraid that med school was going to suck and be all work and no play, but the "all work" part only lasts for the first two years. After that bookwork is done comes the play! In this case, shadowing doctors and doing hands on work with patients as well as researching the field you are interested in. Also, tomorrow I get to learn how to test the cranial nerves, because she is going to come teach me! So all in all, after talking with her, I am not as scared of medical school. Today I also got to talk to a resident here at the hospital to see another point of view on the whole process of becoming a doctor. So I know that to become a doctor, you need 4 years of undergrad, 4 years of medical school, and up to 5 years of residency and possibly fellowship. Until recently, I did not know what each phase of the process looked like. Today I learned that not only do you get to do hands on learning for the past two years of med school, but for your residency, you are an MD. You do not have the authority of a fully certified MD, but you still get to see patients and act like a fully certified doctor. During your residency, you see patients and treat them how you see fit, with the approval of the doctor above you. So basically, you're a doctor without the fancy shmancy certificate saying you're certified. This came as a huge relief. Also, it is completely possible and realistic to need a break between undergrad and med school, so even if I do not come out of undergrad raring to go to med school, I can still become a doctor.
I also learned about the PA, Physician's Assistant, and its increasing prestige in the world of medicine. As a patient, the common view is to see a PA as a lesser version of a doctor because they don't have the "MD" and went through less schooling. Now with the inside scoop from a resident MD, I know that a PA is in no way lesser than a doctor. The difference is that a PA only has two years of post undergrad education, and PA's do not specialize in any way, so they could work in different departments, like Pediatric Neurology, then Oncology, then back to Pediatrics, and so on, or they could continue in one area in particular. PA's technically still have to work beneath a doctor, but they function in the clinic, hospital, home, etc. in the same manner as a doctor.
Now to how my day went today! Well, it was a hospital day made as wonderful as possible because of my amazing support system. My best friend and her mom, who is my mom's best friend, came and spent the day with my mom and I. My friend and I colored, talked, and watched Netflix, as well as playing the weekly hospital round of BINGO, and my mom got to get out of the hospital for a little bit. It is almost harder for moms to be in the hospital, because they have to watch their babies go through things babies should not have to go through. I say "babies" because in a mom's eyes, we never grow up. We are always their babies. Which, I guess is fine, embarrassing, but at the same time comforting. It has been wonderful having my mom with me here in the hospital because moms always make you feel better. Granted, I have felt a lot better yesterday and today rather than Tuesday, but I have still had my tight spots. My head has been up and down and my nausea level is increasing a little bit, but all is being handled as best as is possible. I am exhausted yet again tonight, and very much ready to go home... but only two more days. Well, one and a half... but two more days until I get home, considering it takes almost three hours to get home. Moving on now...
Sorry again if this information bores you, so I do not mind one bit if you just skimmed through my first two paragraphs, but here comes the fun part. We have free will. Yes, God has a plan for us and He knows which paths we are going to choose, but we do not choose those paths because He planned for us to do so. He knows the past, current, and future plans that we choose because He sees our hearts. He knows the obstacles that will come at us as well as the things that will help us, and He knows how we will react based on our character. So, yes, God has planned out what your life will look like. But that is not because He chose for you. That is what free will is. It is what gives us the ability to choose between a doctor and a PA for our future jobs, the choice to go to the hospital or not, the choice to go to parties and have fun or stay home and study, and He does not judge us either way. This is another thing that is comforting to me, because it proves God's love for us. If it hadn't already been proven to you by Jesus' death and resurrection, the Bible, miracles, etc., then God's love can be proven in our right to free will. God willingly gives us our will. We never have to fight him, because He backs us up no matter what choice we make. This is because his love is everlasting and unconditional. It is unfathomable to our human minds just how deep his love is. Don't try to understand it or make it logical, because that isn't the point. I am a total science geek, so like aliens, sure they can exist, but I won't believe that they do until I see lots of hard evidence, but that is just not how God works. A relationship with God is built entirely on faith. Faith is believing in something when all the evidence points against it. It is a gut instinct that some people try to bury because it is illogical. I don't know about you, but sometimes I do not trust my gut instinct, so I end up making a different decision, ultimately a wrong one. For some reason, I continue not trusting my gut instinct even though it has proven to be reliable for the most part. I do the same thing with God sometimes, I try to understand it and make it logical, but then I stop myself and remind myself that it wouldn't be faith if I could understand it. Faith is one thing you cannot force upon other people. So, I do not want to force faith in God onto you, but I do ask that you take a moment to understand that faith in God defies all logic and human understanding, and that is what makes it so darn amazing.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1
Love always,
Sierra

Day Three... Sorta

I clearly have gotten a bit behind in posting, but I am going to play the "hospital card" because I was exhausted last night. Being in the hospital is just plain exhausting. Even though I just lay in a bed all day, I am constantly doing something. I feel like I have talked about this before, but I am too tired to remember... which is ironic. But anyways, I am always busy. I wake up, order breakfast, and my nurse comes in to give me my morning medicine. I am usually fed, awake, and alert by 10:00, at which point my mom and I go for a walk around the hospital. We like going just around my floor exploring and watching the hospital robots move all on their own, stand on the glass floor (well I stand on it and my mom stands on the floor below it) and wave to each other, walk around the outside garden, explore another floor, and/or other activities such as these. I walk really slowly because I am tired and a little weak, so we walk for about 15-20 minutes total, not getting far and not doing much. It's nice to spice it up a bit with a new place to walk to, but we only do one at a time. There are activities going on around the Pediatrics department like the media room, art therapy, music therapy, the teen lounge, etc. but not many of them interest me enough for me to spend my energy on. Yesterday, my mom and I had company on our morning walk, because my grandparents came for a while, morning to early afternoon. It was really nice for my mom and I to have some more company. After our walk, we chatted, then I got tired, so we watched Frozen! My grandma had never seen it, so that along with my love for it made it the perfect movie to watch! They also got to stay for lunch and experience the surprisingly yummy hospital food, and then we chatted some more, and they left so I could get a massage. Unfortunately, the massage lady and I had a misunderstanding so she didn't show up when I was expecting her, and while I was waiting, I took a nap. Even though I didn't fully fall asleep, that rest time really helped me get through the rest of the day. I fell asleep as I was waiting for my boyfriend to come, and I slept past the time he got here, but luckily he is sweet and patient and my mom kept him occupied giving him a tour of the floor. I woke up and started pushing the button to raise my bed into a sitting position, and saw him and my mom peek through the window in my door. I guess they had come by a few other times, peeking in when I was asleep... but oh well I needed the nap. So for the rest of the afternoon, I watched movies with him and my mom, went on our usual afternoon walk or two, and had dinner with him. After dinner, we went for a walk just the two of us before he had to leave, and that fifteen minutes was the best part of my week so far. It never ceases to amaze me how just being next to him makes me feel better. Every time I stop and think about that, I thank God for him. I don't know where I would be without him... but I definitely would not be this happy. Somehow, my headaches drew us together, and no matter how life ends up, I am thankful that I have him now.
Now that I have started down this path of thankfulness, I must venture on. Through my headaches, I have met and become close with people who otherwise would never have been as big of a part or even a part of my lives otherwise. This is another way that God makes good out of bad. Like I've said before, I don't think God chooses to give certain people bad things. Satan gives bad to everybody, and God uses His power to only allow the amount of suffering that you can handle. When people hear about my migraines, I often get the response of "wow that all sucks but to have to be dealing with it at 17... that's just worse." I don't really agree with that though, because God has a plan for me. I have big goals. All of the data from all the other girls who have started getting migraines around the same age I did, when they get past the puberty stage into early 20's, the migraines die down and become much more manageable. So, with my big goals in mind, and also thinking of the big picture of my life, now is the best time for me to have a headache every day. God gave me the courage, passion, drive, all the qualities I needed to succeed in high school, because I have succeeded. I am going to my college. The college I want to go to. All because God has blessed me with the personality to make it through this time as well as the support system I need to compliment my personality. I am forever grateful for those who have prayed for me, are praying for me, and will continue praying for me. People I don't even know personally are praying for me, and I find that amazing. The only reason I have so many people praying for me is because of my immediate support system. My church is wonderful, in the members as well as the symbol. MCC (Our church name) = Mission. Christ. Community. All three of which I need, all three of which I have. I have the mission to someday become a doctor and impact peoples lives in the same way my doctors have in mine. I have Christ in my heart, my family, my world. Last and definitely not least, I have community. I have community in my family, who all pray for me, and ask their friends to pray for me as well. I have community in my friends, who have neverending support, love, and patience for me. I even have community in this hospital. God has handpicked each and every nurse that has been here for me, and every single one of them has been fabulous. Yes, I am currently in the hospital with a tube in my arm giving me medicine that makes me feel icky, but it is only temporary. Good things will come. Never forget that. Good things will always come.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Sierra

Day Two

So today was not as easy as yesterday... it all started last night. At 10:30 PM I got another dose of DHE, and at about midnight my chest started to feel uncomfortable, like there was a big weight pressing on my chest. I called my nurse in, and she checked my vitals, all of which were normal, then messaged the doctor on staff for the night. The doctor told her to pause the DHE until she came up to assess me, so it was paused for about 20 minutes. In that 20 minutes, my chest started to feel better, so the doctors agreed that the pressure and pain I felt was just my body having a completely healthy reaction to the DHE. They also said that the uncomfortable feeling should go away as my body gets more and more used to the DHE, which so far has been the case. While I have had some slight pressure during my two infusions so far today, it has not come near to the level it was at last night. Today I have also had a bit more trouble with the nausea. I have figured out that my stomach gets upset during the infusion and lasts for about half an hour afterwards as well. So, I took some tums and it is better now, so far at least...
Mostly though, my problem was with my head. It is ironic, but the DHE infusions can also induce a headache, or in my case, worsen a headache. Since my headaches are bad all on their own, today my pain level has been at a consistent 8, reaching a 9 multiple times. I could have taken medicine for it, but I did not want to. I don't like the feeling that the medicine gives me... I get woozy, weak, my head feels fuzzy, and I sleep for hours. I did not want to give in today in case tomorrow is even worse. One of the tricks with getting the best possible outcome from the treatment is taking care of me in the meantime. Even though I am used to just dealing with the nausea or pain, I should treat either or both in order for the DHE to work its magic properly. So, with that in mind, we are going to assess my headaches tomorrow and if they still are not better, I will be treated with the sleepy medicine. I am praying that it gets better tomorrow though, and I appreciate your prayers as well.
Sorry for all the technical sounding stuff if you don't find it interesting... Personally, I find it all fascinating! So fair warning, here comes a lesson type explanation of DHE, what it does and how it helps. One of the side effects is leg cramps, and it happens because of what the DHE does to my body. The DHE works for migraines because it constricts your blood vessels. Part of what causes migraines is the overload of nerve activity, which comes hand in hand with the blood pumping incorrectly. I'm not sure exactly how the blood vessels in my brain are working incorrectly, but I am guessing that it is because my blood vessels are overactive and that the blood pumps too quickly all throughout my brain. So, DHE constricts my blood vessels, guiding the blood to pump more regularly, therefore decreasing the nerve endings, then decreasing the pain. While it is amazing that it works so well to fix the blood vessels in my head, the rest of the blood vessels in my body are working perfectly 24/7. Unfortunately, the only way for me to get the infusion is for the DHE to pass all the way through my body, flowing from the PICC line into my heart, then down to my feet and hands and up to the tippy top of my head. When blood vessels constrict, blood clots become more likely. A blood clot is a small area in a blood vessel in which the blood starts to coagulate, kind of like when you get a cut and the blood dries on top of your skin, keeping any more blood from seeping out. Blood vessels are supposed to be able to move blood all around your body without any sort of hindrance, so blood clots are potentially very dangerous. Because of this, I take certain precautions. I move my arms even when I am sitting down watching a movie, to get a drink of water, color, text, etc., but I move my legs hardly at all when I am sitting down. Since my arms are moving often enough, the blood keeps flowing normally. If I just sat on my butt and watched movies all day, my leg muscles and blood vessels could cramp up so much that blood clots could form. It is still possible for me to get blood clots whether I go for walks or not, but it is much less likely for them to form if I go for a walk a few times a day. I don't have a lot of energy, so typically I just walk around my floor, go down the elevator to the garden, or explore another floor. I have not been on a walk longer than fifteen minutes at a time and probably will not be up to more than that much until a few weeks after I get home.
I am sharing this information because I have wonderful friends and family out there who want to know how I am doing. I am also sharing for anybody who might someday need a DHE treatment, be interested in neurology, or are just nerds like yours truly. I cannot explain any further why I am sharing, because I truly don't know any reasons beyond those. The only other reason I have is that God is telling me to share my story. I pray that He will be able to use my suffering to help others, whether they have a similar burden or not.
"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth."
2 Timothy 2:15
Love always,
Sierra