3:20 AM

So since it's 3:20 AM right now, I'll keep it short and sweet.
I've realized why my life feels so surreal here at Davis. It's something beyond just the fact that it's a big change for me. Literally, just now, I realized that I can't accept that this is actually my life. My life is so good right now, and it has been good for seven straight weeks now. That is a record. Up until two months ago, 3 days of happiness in a row was a HUGE deal for me. Even now that I've had SEVEN WEEKS of goodness, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, constantly preparing myself for the worst. I'm still not 100% positive that I will finish this quarter. The little voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that good doesn't last forever, especially not in my experiences, so I should take what I've got and expect nothing more. Because of this, I feel like I'm watching my life happen instead of living it, even though I am really really really enjoying my time here! I just wish I could get that little voice in the back of my head to shut up so I could live my life, but even if that was possible, it would not be a smart idea for me. That little voice has saved me more times than I can count in the past week alone. If I did not listen to the little voice, I would stay out too late with my friends, study less, eat too much junk food, etc. other bad habits, all of which lead to more pain. It's ironic that the thing that keeps me healthy(ish) is also holding me back... but I guess some things come hand in hand with others.
I do have a (hopefully) relative point to sharing this middle-of-the-night-realization that I've just had with you. Now that I've realized my problem, why I feel like I'm watching my life happen instead of living it, I can start to deal with it. Of course, it's not an easy fix, and I don't know how to do it now, let alone on my own, but I do have some place to start. I have a square one, where before I didn't even have that. I just had a feeling like something was missing from my life. I am proud to say that for once, I have been praying to God about this. I did not forget to talk to God about this particular problem, and I think that is in large part because of my blog. Writing on here reminds me to step out of my own little world and let God in, and I hope that by sharing my experiences and middle-of-the-night-realizations with you that I can remind you to let God in as well. So, goodnight for now!
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Sierra

The Start of Something New

So apparently I'm starting to use a recurring theme of referencing a weird obsession of mine... First country music, then Spirit, and now High School Musical. I guess it does go along with my previous references to other cheesy feel good things like Hallmark movies, since High School Musical is a cheesy blast from the past, especially with "The Start of Something New" being the first song of the movie series. I like cheesy movies, lyrics, stories, etc. because they always have a predictably happy ending. Life, however, is never predictable and seems to rarely have happy endings, so I guess I like the cheesy things because they show me a glimpse of what life would look like if everything ended nicely wrapped up in a happily ever after ending. Movies end with life-changing discoveries... the guy gets the girl, mother and daughter are on good terms again, and the evil ones are vanquished. Life also ends with a discovery, but unlike movies, the best memories in life are made during the times of discovering, not the actual discovery.
Today, I started a photo album on facebook to record my first year of college, and I titled it "UC Davis: Year One". As I was choosing pictures for and editing the album, it hit me that I'm going to be at Davis for four more years. It already feels like a lifetime that I've spent there, but it's only been six weeks. I've only been a part of my church group, Catalyst, for five weeks. Coming home this weekend, I'm having this odd feeling that I just dreamt about the past five weeks, and that I am coming to the end of my dream. In reality, my dream is just beginning. I'm at the start of something new: something awe-inspiringly, life-changingly, wonderfully new. It's amazing how just a change in perspective can change a person's whole outlook on life. Instead of bracing myself for the end of this season of life, I can be fully present in the moments, taking pleasure in the small things as well as the large things that I encounter. I encourage you to look at your life as the start of something new instead of the end of something old, because life does not end happily. Life ends with pain and loss. So, when we think about endings in our life, we expect pain and loss to come from them. Instead of seeing the ends, see the beginnings, because life begins with pure joy. When we are first brought into the world, there is a party in Heaven, because another child of God is born. On the wall of my bedroom, I have a patchwork that my grandma made for me when I was just a baby that simply says, "God danced the day you were born", and every time I look at that, I am reminded of the joy that life is meant to bring us. Too often, we are caught up in the pain and suffering of life and forget to see the joy in it. Every day is a chance to see the start of something new.
"He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making all things new! Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"
Revelation 21:5
Love always,
Sierra