So Now What?

Sorry for the long time between my last somewhat disturbing post and this one, but I needed some time to process the results of the doctor appointment. To make a long story short, it has been confirmed that the six day hospital treatment did not work this time. I say this time because seven months ago, it did work, and my doctor said that there's a possibility that if I tried it again sometime in the future, it would work. I am definitely not planning on getting the treatment anytime soon, so that left me wondering what comes next. When I asked my doctor this, I expected another drastic treatment to become part of the discussion, but instead, she prescribed me a new daily medicine. I have tried lots of different kinds of daily medicines, and so far none of them has made a significant difference in my daily pain level. So, when this was the only suggestion, I was and still am a little disappointed. Even though realistically, I know that there is no "cure-all" treatment or medicine, but a small part of me was still hoping for one on the eve of the appointment. Since this disappointment was the only feeling I felt immediately after the appointment, I cried for a good part of the drive home. Remember how I was talking about stages of grief? Well, I felt grief after the appointment, and I have been dealing with it in some mini-stages of my own. The first one, the feeling of intense disappointment, anger, and helplessness, lasted for about two days after the appointment. The first stage of my grief was gone when I woke up on Sunday morning. I woke raring to go, determined to have a good day: I made breakfast with my mom, cleaned my room, went out to lunch with a good friend, and spent some quality time with my family. This burned me out, so I spent the rest of the day relaxing. On Monday, yesterday, I woke lethargic and sore, with not a lot of emotional energy. My "migraine-brain" immediately expected to feel this way for a couple days, and on I went to the next stage of my grieving: the pain of the loss of the future I expected. Luckily, this only lasted for a day. I don't know how or why it only lasted a day, but I am grateful, because the only feeling I had during the next stage was depression. I won't go into the details, and it wasn't extreme depression like you should be concerned for my well-being, but the temporary depression that everybody feels when grieving the loss of something or someone important. So that brings us to today, Tuesday. I had a counseling appointment today, and God prepared me for it. This morning I woke up refreshed. I did not wake up with less pain than yesterday, but with a different mindset. Instead of seeing the future I lost, I saw the reality. I am going to be stuck with this migraine that I have right now for the near to possibly distant future. I woke up ready to strategize, plan out a realistic future for my college time. I am planning on meeting with the student disabilities center and the Dean's Office at UC Davis next week to discuss the details about my accommodations, considering changing my schedule, and actively thinking about other ways to make me successful at Davis. By "successful," I don't necessarily mean "get straight A's," but I want to have the ability to do the best that I can and prevent any hindrances that could possibly stop me from being successful. (If I do get straight A's, that would be awesome though.) Right now, I am in a stage of acceptance and transformation. I am accepting the fact that my pain level might not get better for college. I am changing the mindset I had for college and everything that goes with it. I am communicating as best as I can with my family, friends, and health advisors. I am working to build a good future for myself. However, I am not doing any of this alone. God is with me. God is on my side. God is holding me up. God is guiding me. God loves me.
I mentioned in my last post that I did not feel God with me, and I am ecstatic to say that that feeling did not last. The first time I felt God again was with my friend on Sunday. Since I am not a normal teenager, I cannot be a normal friend to all the friends who are great friends to me, and I often feel guilty about that. I also feel left out when I can't go to a hang out, whether I'm invited or not or a trip to the beach versus to the ice cream shop. My friend Shannon and I had planned to hang out earlier last week, and twice we had to reschedule, ending up having lunch on Sunday together. I felt guilty about rescheduling and not being a good friend, but being with Shannon, that guilt fell away. Shannon has this innate ability to light up my perspective just in a two hour lunch "date." I have been friends with her for practically my whole life, and she and I are very alike. We go to the same church, have similar family situations, and have similar views and beliefs about school, relationships, faith, and life in general. My point about all of this is that God shined His light through Shannon on Sunday. He was able to speak to me through her in a time when I did not even expect it. Now, looking back, I can see that God was pushing me towards spending time with Shannon, and outside forces were resisting. Not only was I reminded in the moment with Shannon that God loves me, but I was reminded that even though I could not feel Him before, He really was with me. I strayed away from his path, but I could never stray away from his presence. I encourage you to try to stop and look at your life and look for moments and situations like mine. Moments when it would be easier to stay in your safe bubble, but you have the opportunity to change it. Don't choose the easy path. Even if you can only try, just try. Make the effort when I didn't. I could have saved myself days of emotional pain had I spent some of my time and energy with Shannon sooner.
Now, I have a message for you all. It took me a while to listen to it, and I probably will have to hear it again, but here is a reminder for you. God is with you. God is on your side. God is holding you up. God is guiding you. God loves you. GOD LOVES US. I could write that 1,000,000,000,000,000 times and still not accurately express just how much God loves us all. I'm going to do my best not to ever forget that, and I hope you can too.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor demons, nor things present nor the future, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:37-39

Love always,
Sierra

My Trial of Honesty

So tomorrow I'm going to see my headache specialist. I don't know if I want to go or not, because I don't know what she is going to say. What I have to say is that so far, the treatment isn't working. It seems to me that I spent six days in the hospital and a month recovering from that for nothing. I had a plan. I actually had lots of plans that I never finished because of these stupid headaches. This summer, I was going to sacrifice going to Disneyland with two of my best friends for six days in the hospital to be able to go to college as a normal person. I was going to have a sucky month of summer but then get better and be able to spend time with the people I care about and probably won't see for a very long time. I was going to actually have fun on a regular basis instead of being miserable, having fun, then being more miserable after having fun, then going back to normal miserable. Instead of all that wonderfulness, I have been stuck at home for most of the summer, watching movies and shows to keep myself distracted from the pain. Instead, I don't remember the last time I had fun without having to hold back because of pain. Instead, I have a short temper, a low level of energy, and disappointment. Usually I post about the sucky stuff that I go through and then put a positive spin on it, but I'm having a hard time making it positive right now. I can't feel God and I can't hear him because of the pain, and I don't even have the energy to try to find Him. I don't usually like showing or telling anybody just how horrible I feel, because I like putting up a brave face, a happy face, like my life is perfect. I don't really know why I do this, but I know that it hasn't helped so far. So, I'm going to try being honest, in the best way I can think of, by sharing with you guys. I would really appreciate your prayers that when I see my doctor tomorrow, she will have a reasonable explanation for all of this crap. I just really need some relief, in any way possible.
I don't have a quote or a verse today, but still sending you love always,
Sierra

At Least Some Dreams Will Come True

Hey there! I know it has been a while since I have posted, and I'm sorry for that, but I'm back now! Has anyone ever played the game "Never Have I Ever"? I'll give you a summation of it just in case you haven't: basically people say "Never have I ever..." and fill in with something they have never done, like for instance, I might say "Never have I ever owned a cat," because, well, I have never owned a cat. Simple, right? So I'm going to play that game with you guys right now.
Never have I ever been to a Taylor Swift concert.
Never have I ever cried at a Taylor Swift concert.
Never have I ever screamed my lungs out at a Taylor Swift concert.
Never have I ever sang my heart out at a Taylor Swift concert.
Never have I ever danced so much I got dizzy at a Taylor Swift concert.
Whoops! I played the game wrong, which was kind of silly of me since I just explained it to you... As of last night, I have done all of those things!!!!!!! :D Here's a correct "Never have I ever" statement:

Never have I ever been to a better concert than Taylor Swift's 1989 world tour.

I have been dreaming about going to a Taylor Swift concert since I first sat at the computer in my house and watched a video of her performing "Should've Said No." That moment was about eight years ago, and since then I have added to the dream. I met my boyfriend four years ago, when we were freshmen in high school, and the second I learned he loved Taylor Swift as much as I did, we were fast friends. Well, one thing led to another, and it became our dream to go to one of her concerts together, and last night we finally did it!!! We went to a Taylor Swift concert!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I've only heard good things about her concerts, so I had high expectations for the night, and those expectations were exceeded in every single way possible. Her music was on point, her outfits were Swifty, the dancers were flawless, and she left her heart on that stage, just like each of her fans danced, cheered, clapped, even dressed their hearts out just to listen to her sing her music, myself included. Those of you who know me fairly well see me as a quiet person, but those of you who truly know me know better than that. I am kind of a crazy person... as the people sitting near me last night found out the second Taylor hit that stage! I was screaming, dancing, singing, fist pumping, shaking my bootay, like crazy for practically the whole concert!!! Not only was the music and atmosphere overwhelmingly amazing, but Taylor made me cry. I never cry about anything besides pain, girly problems, grief, or drama with my headaches. I don't cry during chick flicks, and I haven't cried at a touching sermon since freshman year, but I cried when Taylor had a heart-to-heart with the crowd. She talked about perfection and how striving for it ends up being worse than pushing through imperfection. I have found this out for myself time and time again, but I still want perfection. I like everything to be perfect, from school projects to marching band performances, so it only makes sense that I want my life to be perfect too. For things like school and band, striving for perfection is encouraged and rewarded, but in life, striving for perfection beats you down until you start to wish you had never tried. Most people go to a concert to have fun and let off some steam, then can get back to their daily lives with the memory of the fun pushing them forward. I go to a concert to do the same, have fun, but I also go to enjoy something without holding back because of fear of the pain that will come afterwards. I definitely did not hold myself back last night, and today I am paying for it. My head hurts a lot and there is nothing I can do about it but distract myself until I recover. This is a part of my imperfect life that I have to live with. Luckily, Taylor didn't let me down, so I do not regret going at all. When you have pain every day, you get used to it and learn how it works, so you start delegating your time, energy, and pain (as much as you can control) as you see fit. Most of the time, I save my energy for the important things like school and familial obligations, but every once in a while I get to save my energy for something fun. The concert was my first fun thing I've saved for in a very long time. Luckily, I am surrounded by people who support me in my choices, even though me having some fun might make their lives a little harder. For example, today I have been unable to help with any household chores, so even though my sisters have homework to do, they had to do the work themselves. I appreciate these little things that they do more than they will ever know. I appreciate that my family is as understanding as possible with my condition and that they want me to still be able to have fun as well as do what is necessary. Every single person at the concert was given a bracelet to wear, and when the concert started, they lit up with the music, colored according to the mood of the song!!!! Taylor told us that she gave us these bracelets because she wanted to see us in the crowd as 50,000 individuals, not a black abyss with a few signs and lights. Okay side note: 50,000 people!!!! That is a LOT of people!! That's more people than the population of most Midwest towns! Getting back on track here now, Taylor talking about each of us being an individual really opened my eyes once again to the reality that I am not the only person in the world who is going through something difficult. The fact that it is so easy for me to feel alone in this struggle, even when people I love are right next to me makes me wonder how alone people feel when they don't have someone they love right next to them. Yes, everybody has a burden to bear, but not everybody has people that help them support the weight. Even though I am not with you, I want to be able to help you. If you need advice or just someone to listen, I'm here for you. I can't promise that I am going to be available for you 24/7, but I can say that I will do my best to support you in any way that I can. Somehow, Taylor Swift has helped me through my headaches without knowing who I am. Her music alone can take me from hating every single imperfection to seeing the beauty in the big picture. It numbs the pain, even momentarily, so that I have the strength to look to the ones I love that are there to support me. She may never read this, but I would just like to thank her for that. Her music means more to me than I could ever express.
"I don't think that imperfections make us tarnished or damaged, and I actually wrote a song about it. About how walking through rainstorms doesn't make you tarnished or damaged at all. The lessons that you take away from it make it the opposite. I think that going through a lot and coming out the other side of it, can make you, in fact, clean."
-Taylor Swift
Love always,
Sierra

I'm Dreaming

I think that I should reiterate my goals for this blog. I do not write for sympathy or to complain about my problems. I love that you pray for me, care about me and connect with me, but I'm not asking for you to send me notes of sympathy. I appreciate it and am not telling you not to do it, I just want to make sure that it's clear that it is not my intention. I do not mean for this blog to be about me. Yes, I am sharing MY own experiences, but not only for my own benefit. This blog I s helping me to express my feelings, but that is a "side effect" of my cause. 

Now onto the fun!! I am currently in Wisconsin. Why am I in the land of cheese you may ask? Because I have tons of family here. I love family. It is the best thing in the world. Family does not only apply to your "blood brothers," but also to those who love you and make sacrifices for you. I don't mean sacrifice their life or jump in front of a bullet for you, but when you are lonely, hurting, depressed, or just looking for some fun, family is standing right beside you. God is a part of our family as well. God is the perfect dad. He does not overreact about your boy troubles or you not doing the dishes, but He does give you advice and love you as his baby girl or baby boy. He also sees your dreams, and works with you to make them come true. He understands your deepest fears and desires, and He supports you unconditionally in your endeavors. Every time I come to Wisconsin, I love it more. I love the random patches of woods around the crop fields. I love the picket fences and the animals, particularly the horses, behind them. I love the atmosphere of open air, the small towns where everybody knows everybody. I love that my family lives in an area that I love visiting. When I am upset, I often dream of the life I want when I'm older. I've been doing this since I was old enough to understand the concept of life. Currently, my dream is to become a doctor, form a family, retire to a horse farm, and live to see my great grandkids. Visiting the Midwest always reminds me why I love the country so much. Being here shows me how hard some people work just to put food on the table, and how they never complain about it either. People like that are people I want my kids to grow up around.

The other day, I watched a movie called "Unconditional." It was about a woman whose kindhearted husband was killed in a robbery and her steady decline after his passing. She almost committed suicide, but through the help of her childhood friend and her experiences with people who have less opportunity than her. There are many good quotes in the movie, and this one relates to my life really well, "I used to dream of telling stories, but I never dreamed that mine would end up like this." I had big dreams for my life before the migraines came along. I was going to take as many AP courses as possible, work as hard as I could, and get all A's. This sounds conceited, but that was a realistic goal for me at the time. I had many dreams, and not one of them involved migraines. I always thought that I'm the only person I know who had an opportunity taken from them because mine was the worst, but that's not true. Nobody's life ends up exactly how they wants it to, but it ends up where God wants it to. Seemingly trivial things end up making a world of difference because they are guided by God's hand. 

If you have never visited anywhere other than your hometown, I highly encourage some adventure. I'm not saying you should hop on a plane to Greece for two months, but find a place that makes you feel happy and safe, then find another. The journey to get you there will be just as important as the places you go. Here's another good quote from "Unconditional," "It ain't a dead end if it takes you where you needed to go." So I guess my headaches are taking me to a place I need to go, and God is guiding me the whole way there. The same goes for each one of you. If you see a dead end up ahead, go all the way up to it before you turn around, because that is where the beauty of life lies. 

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

1 Peter 5:10

Love always,

Sierra