Disappointment

Of all the emotions you can feel, I think I hate disappointment the most. I don't know if this is a universal thing or just a me thing, but I really can't stand disappointment. It doesn't matter if it's me feeling the disappointment or someone I love feeling it. It just all around sucks. I've been feeling a lot of disappointment for the past couple months. No matter what I do, it never seems to make a difference. I try my best and work as hard as I can, and yet still I end up feeling disappointed. I'm not disappointed in myself, because I have done every single thing to the best of my abilities, but I am disappointed in the situation surrounding me.
This past quarter, Winter Quarter, at UC Davis has been one of the hardest time periods of my life. In case you didn't know, college is hard. Like, really hard. No matter how much work you put in, what grades you get, what classes you take, it's just all around difficult in the first place. When you factor in forming new friendships, learning to live independently, and personal issues, college seems downright impossible, yet people graduate all the time. How do they do it? Well, I'm not totally sure, but I'll make sure to tell you when I figure it out. So far, my college career has included the need for persistence, dedication, compassion, patience, tons of energy, hard work, and an encompassingly (that's probably not a real word but oh well) healthy lifestyle. I have to think about literally every step of every process and how it could possibly affect me in the long run, because when I act without thinking, I end up in searing pain. Until now, I have not accepted that this is my life. I told myself that this won't last forever, and I just need to wait it out, but I've been coming to realize that my pain is not going to magically go away. I don't just have headaches. I don't just have migraines. I don't even just have chronic migraines. I have a disease. I have a disease where my body attacks itself every chance it gets, and there is no cure for it. Right now, I barely even have treatments for the symptoms. I like to have the mindset that I am "just a normal college student", but that's not the case. I'm not normal in the slightest. I am extremely abnormal. Luckily, I've never had the goal of being "normal" in the sense of style, personality, and lifestyle, so I'm halfway there to accepting my abnormality, but I still have to learn how to accept that I am not able to have a normal, carefree, experimental, crazy college experience. I'm going to have to take the long road to graduation, from having a lighter course load to graduating after over four years of schooling. I'm going to have to pay more, do less, and be realistic about my life goals.
As to my current lifestyle, it's going to change quite a bit in the next six months. I have had a constant pain level of an 8/10 or higher every day for the past month and a half. I failed my finals in two of my classes, and got my first ever C, in my two favorite classes, no less. I have never had a final grade lower than a B- ever. Seriously, never. Once when I was in fifth grade, I had a D on a progress report, but by the time the final grades came out, I had an A. I considered a C or lower to be failing. Now, I have to change that thought because I know that I did not fail. In fact, I succeeded in my Winter Quarter. I passed the two hardest classes I have ever taken while I was having the consistently worst pain I have ever experienced. Because this pain is still here, I am going to "fail" yet again. I'm going to do something that I have previously considered a failure. I have to take a quarter off of school. Clearly, this is not something I want to do, but something I have to do. On Monday 3/28, instead of going back to Davis for my Spring Quarter, I will get an emergency admission into the UCSF hospital. I'm going to get the same treatment that I've gotten twice before, the DHE infusion. This is the big change in my life. Going to the hospital for DHE is mentally, emotionally, physically, completely exhausting. It takes a full month for me to recover and be back to normal and up to six weeks for the medicine to make my pain less intense. Because college is so hard, missing even two weeks of school would be too much to come back from, so I have to take this Spring Quarter off. There is a program that allows any student to take any one quarter off while they attend UC Davis, so logistically it is a relatively stress-free solution. So here's where my disappointment comes in: I'm leaving my new life. I LOVE my life in Davis. I love my community and my school. It has become my home, and my friends have become my family. I know that my friends feel the same way, but a small part of me worries that by me not being there for a large chunk of time, they will forget about me or lose interest in being my friend. I also worry about being behind in my classes and my "plan" for my life. All in all, the situation is very disappointing. I was looking forward to my classes, fun outings with my friends, and engaging in my social life again (since last quarter, I was kind of a hermit).
Even with my disappointment, I have to be okay with the situation because if I'm not, then it will be even harder for me to stay happy through this difficult time. Staying happy will keep my stress, anxiety, and therefore pain and nausea levels down, which will allow the DHE to do its job correctly. This is something that I have learned from my doctors and therapists, and I have been practicing it for years, but it is still one of the hardest parts of my migraines. I'm sharing this with you because I am still struggling with this process, and God told me that it will be better if I share my experiences. I would also appreciate your prayers in this difficult time.
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28
Love always,
Sierra