A New Beginning

It's cheesy, I know, but I'm really starting to get the feeling that these next six months are going to be a new beginning for me. I think it starts now, with my acceptance of everything in my life as it currently is, good and bad. I'm still working on it, but I need to accept that I have done everything in my power to get better, and I will continue doing this. I need to learn how to put my own ambitions aside and follow God's plan for me, even if I can't see it all yet. I need to understand that I will never fully understand the reasons why my life is as it is, because I am not God. I am human, an imperfection. I need to stop striving for perfection because I will never reach it. All of these selfish ambitions and prideful actions will only lead me further from God, no matter how good my intentions are. I have every intention of actively following God and His plan, but oftentimes I find myself far from God's direction, and I realize that yet again, I have ignored His help and proceeded forward on my own. The times when I come to this realization are times like right now, when I am lying completely defenseless and broken in spirit and body. I am afraid. I am scared that in these next few weeks when I'm recovering I will forget about God and internalize all of my feelings, and end up in depression. Usually when I am recovering, I have some sort of goal or thing I am striving for, like going back to school or getting ready for college. I don't know how to handle the open-ended question that lies ahead of me. I don't have school again until September, and I don't have a job. I can't even think of a hobby that I want to get back to.
Here I am again, talking about my goals and my aspirations when I should be focusing on the here and now, resting and healing, listening to God's voice to see where He guides me. This is something each and every one of us does way too often, worry about the future. Worrying gets you nowhere. It leaves you anxious, fearful, quick to judge, and vulnerable to worldly forces. Of course, it is impossible to just stop worrying altogether, because again, we are human, imperfections. We are going to worry now and then, and that's okay. God doesn't expect us to be perfect. He just expects us to try our best, which includes learning when it is appropriate to worry and when it is time to give it up to God. Now unfortunately, there is no "magic moment" where you hear God's voice booming from the heavens reminding you that your suffering is not in vain. (I kinda wish there was though, it would make our jobs much easier.) I know a little bit about suffering, but Jesus knows everything about suffering. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice, one that we just celebrated yesterday. This year, Easter reminded me that God and Jesus understand and empathize with suffering, so He would not let us suffer if it wasn't absolutely necessary for our souls. Again, this is difficult to understand, but it falls under the category of faith. Faith is believing in something without proof, knowledge, or full understanding of it. That's the beauty of faith.
I was admitted into the hospital today. So far I have gotten one dose of DHE through an IV, and I will get a second one hopefully within the hour. I haven't started to feel the side effects yet, so I'm mostly just tired. I want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you that reads my blog, sends me positive notes of encouragement, and/or prays for me. My heart has swelled in the past few days with the realization that I have an army praying for me and supporting me. I am truly not alone in this fight. I have my friends, family, strangers, and most of all, God. If you do or don't have an army or even one person praying for you and caring about you as you are suffering, I would like to pray for you and support you as you do for me.
"Many are saying of me, 'God will not deliver him.' But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side."
Psalm 3:2-6
Love always,
Sierra
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