"But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do." Psalms 73:28
I started this blog to tell people about God's love through telling them how He has revealed himself to me in my life. In order to do this, I need to see God in my life. About a year and a half ago, my doctor told me that my chronic migraines are likely never going to go away. Ever since that day, I have struggled to see God. I realize now that. at that doctor's appointment, I put up the walls to my heart and have rarely opened them since then. I have closed myself off from God, my grief, my love for my friends and family, and my dreams. I haven't stopped loving God or my friends and family. I haven't been depressed, even when I'm grieving. I have been using the skills my therapist has taught me to process my emotions without giving myself more physical or emotional pain. But I've been doing everything on my own. I rarely even went to friends or family for help or guidance, and I stopped going to God. I was going through the motions of my life without really living it. I still am, actually. The difference now, though, is that I'm aware I'm on the wrong path. Now I just need to find the right one.
This 2017-2018 school year, I am the leader of the greeting team for my college fellowship group, Catalyst. The greeting team is a group of volunteers who are a part of Catalyst and want to help other people get connected to a community of love and faith. My goal is that the greeting team and I will be able to show God's love and bring Him to everyone who walks through the doors for Catalyst events, whether it be a taco party or a worship night. One of the books we are reading this summer to prepare for this task is called Sit, Walk, Stand: The Process of Christian Maturity by Watchman Nee. It studies the Epistle of Paul to the Ephesians, in which Paul discusses the path of Christianity, one that is only possible through Jesus Christ. Paul reminds us of the incredible sacrifice that God and Jesus made so that we can sit with Him. WE HAVE NOT EARNED IT. "For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated wus with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:6 The first chapter of Watchman Nee's book is about this specific grace of God, that allows us to sit with Him. I love to sit. I sit and watch movies, sit and talk with friends, sit and eat, sit in class, sit and knit, so on and so forth... but through reading this book, I learned that I have never sat with God. According to Paul, we receive God's love and guidance while we are sitting with God. This means that we don't fight the world, we sit with God, putting all our faith, trust, and weight into Him, and let Him fight it. I've been pushing God aside and fighting the world on my own. In particular, I've been fighting my migraines on my own. I keep track of my medicine, go to every appointment, get a hospital treatment every 3-6 months, and manage the anxiety that comes along with all of that. At the same time, I am going to school, doing homework, spending time with friends and family, and trying to figure out what I want for my future.
This verse is who I have been for the past few years:
"Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant- I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you." Psalms 73:21-22
I've been living my life all by myself for a few years now, but it hasn't satisfied me. I always feel like something is missing. I go to church, pray to God, read my bible, and spend time with God, so I told myself it wasn't God I was missing, because I have Him. He is always with me, ever since I accepted Him into my heart. But I haven't been letting Him guide me. I've been making the decisions and He has been following me. I have been thinking I know better than God does. Which is completely ridiculous, I know, but it's also a very human thought. I think it's something that we all struggle with, and don't like admitting to. I don't yet know exactly how I can fix my life, because I am not doing the planning. I'm trying to sit on God's lap and let Him tell me what to do next.
This verse is who I want to be:
The only way I can reach this goal is by letting go of my control and letting God take over. To quote Watchman Nee, "God is waiting til you CEASE TO DO". (Sit, Walk, Stand pg. 11)
Love always,
Sierra
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