To Sit with God

This verse is the philosophy behind my blog:

"But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do." Psalms 73:28

I started this blog to tell people about God's love through telling them how He has revealed himself to me in my life. In order to do this, I need to see God in my life. About a year and a half ago, my doctor told me that my chronic migraines are likely never going to go away. Ever since that day, I have struggled to see God. I realize now that. at that doctor's appointment, I put up the walls to my heart and have rarely opened them since then. I have closed myself off from God, my grief, my love for my friends and family, and my dreams. I haven't stopped loving God or my friends and family. I haven't been depressed, even when I'm grieving. I have been using the skills my therapist has taught me to process my emotions without giving myself more physical or emotional pain. But I've been doing everything on my own. I rarely even went to friends or family for help or guidance, and I stopped going to God. I was going through the motions of my life without really living it. I still am, actually. The difference now, though, is that I'm aware I'm on the wrong path. Now I just need to find the right one.

This 2017-2018 school year, I am the leader of the greeting team for my college fellowship group, Catalyst. The greeting team is a group of volunteers who are a part of Catalyst and want to help other people get connected to a community of love and faith. My goal is that the greeting team and I will be able to show God's love and bring Him to everyone who walks through the doors for Catalyst events, whether it be a taco party or a worship night. One of the books we are reading this summer to prepare for this task is called Sit, Walk, Stand: The Process of Christian Maturity by Watchman Nee. It studies the Epistle of Paul to the Ephesians, in which Paul discusses the path of Christianity, one that is only possible through Jesus Christ. Paul reminds us of the incredible sacrifice that God and Jesus made so that we can sit with Him. WE HAVE NOT EARNED IT. "For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated wus with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:6 The first chapter of Watchman Nee's book is about this specific grace of God, that allows us to sit with Him. I love to sit. I sit and watch movies, sit and talk with friends, sit and eat, sit in class, sit and knit, so on and so forth... but through reading this book, I learned that I have never sat with God. According to Paul, we receive God's love and guidance while we are sitting with God. This means that we don't fight the world, we sit with God, putting all our faith, trust, and weight into Him, and let Him fight it. I've been pushing God aside and fighting the world on my own. In particular, I've been fighting my migraines on my own. I keep track of my medicine, go to every appointment, get a hospital treatment every 3-6 months, and manage the anxiety that comes along with all of that. At the same time, I am going to school, doing homework, spending time with friends and family, and trying to figure out what I want for my future.

This verse is who I have been for the past few years:

"Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant- I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you." Psalms 73:21-22

I've been living my life all by myself for a few years now, but it hasn't satisfied me. I always feel like something is missing. I go to church, pray to God, read my bible, and spend time with God, so I told myself it wasn't God I was missing, because I have Him. He is always with me, ever since I accepted Him into my heart. But I haven't been letting Him guide me. I've been making the decisions and He has been following me. I have been thinking I know better than God does. Which is completely ridiculous, I know, but it's also a very human thought. I think it's something that we all struggle with, and don't like admitting to. I don't yet know exactly how I can fix my life, because I am not doing the planning. I'm trying to sit on God's lap and let Him tell me what to do next.

This verse is who I want to be:

"My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalms 73:26

The only way I can reach this goal is by letting go of my control and letting God take over. To quote Watchman Nee, "God is waiting til you CEASE TO DO". (Sit, Walk, Stand pg. 11) 

Love always,

Sierra

All to Jesus, I Surrender

As the time between me and the treatment decreases, the more panicked I expect myself to be. I expected myself to be worrying about the side effects, nervous, forgetting things, restless... but I am calm. Somehow, I am at peace with the coming treatment. Today at church, I had a wonderful moment with God. The moment I saw the lyrics on the screen and heard the familiar chords to "Our God Saves" by Paul Baloche, I felt God's hands on my shoulders. "Lord, we come. We're gathered together to lift up Your name. To call on our Savior, to fall on Your grace." Worship is a time to do just that. You and your church family comes together and opens their arms for God's presence.
Feeling God's presence is the most wonderful, powerful feeling in the world. When I think of the power of God's presence, I think of one moment in particular in which I felt God's embrace so strongly that I started crying tears of joy. The summer between my 8th and 9th grade years, I went on a five day trip to a youth conference, "CHIC," with my youth group. It was one of the best weeks of my life. We flew out to Tennessee and I shared a room with my best friend. We heard from lots of amazing speakers and learned a lot about God, ourselves, and faith in the rest of the world. One of the nights, Chris Tomlin was the headlining music performer. This conference was at a Texas university, and about 40,000 people were there in the stadium, every single one of them singing their heart out praising God. On this same night, the speaker gave an opportunity for everybody to ask God into their heart. That night was my favorite night. After the speaker prayed with those who wanted to accept God into their heart, she asked those people to stand so we all could celebrate and congratulate them. This time, when asked to stand, over half of the stadium stood, showing their newfound faith in Jesus Christ. I have heard a lot of these benediction prayers, and every time I pray along, asking God to bless these people and help keep them on His path to righteousness. After this moment, Chris Tomlin came back on stage to sing a song, the perfect song for that night. He sang "White Flag." For those of you who have not heard this song, you need to. That song continues to change my life today. It alludes to battle, when one side surrenders and raises a white flag. Life is a battle. I forget that life is not supposed to be easy. It is supposed to suck at times, because it reminds us that we do not belong here on Earth forever. That night, I raised my white flag to Christ. They also handed out handkerchief-sized white flags to every person who wanted one, and as we sang the song, I saw thousands of white flags raised to Christ Jesus. I tear up just thinking about the power I felt in that moment. Not only was I raising my white flag to surrender to God, but I was surrendering with my friends, people I love, and thousands of other strangers. It continues to remind me that I am not alone even here on Earth, that I am surrendering with my comrades of life.
Today during worship, I surrendered my battle to God. I surrender. I am done fighting myself tooth and nail to push through the pain and keep living my life. I am ready for this week to wipe my slate clean. The first time I was in the hospital, I did not want to share it with anybody besides close friends and family. I was embarrassed. Now, I am confessing it not only to God, but to the world, that I cannot do this alone. Every treatment, every hand that cares for me, is touched by God. Not only does God bless it, but each and every person who prays for me blesses my treatment. I am INCREDIBLY blessed. It feels strange saying this on the eve of a weeklong hospital stay, but it is true. I am blessed. You are blessed. I have learned that blessings only make a difference if you accept them. Do not wait as long as I did before you accept others' blessings on you. Prayer is a powerful and necessary part of your lives, whether you realize it or not. Somewhere, someone is praying for you. You may not even know the person, but you are still blessed by their prayers. I pray for each and every one of you, that you will accept God's blessing.
"Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to."
Deuteronomy 15:10
Love always,
Sierra