3:20 AM

So since it's 3:20 AM right now, I'll keep it short and sweet.
I've realized why my life feels so surreal here at Davis. It's something beyond just the fact that it's a big change for me. Literally, just now, I realized that I can't accept that this is actually my life. My life is so good right now, and it has been good for seven straight weeks now. That is a record. Up until two months ago, 3 days of happiness in a row was a HUGE deal for me. Even now that I've had SEVEN WEEKS of goodness, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, constantly preparing myself for the worst. I'm still not 100% positive that I will finish this quarter. The little voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that good doesn't last forever, especially not in my experiences, so I should take what I've got and expect nothing more. Because of this, I feel like I'm watching my life happen instead of living it, even though I am really really really enjoying my time here! I just wish I could get that little voice in the back of my head to shut up so I could live my life, but even if that was possible, it would not be a smart idea for me. That little voice has saved me more times than I can count in the past week alone. If I did not listen to the little voice, I would stay out too late with my friends, study less, eat too much junk food, etc. other bad habits, all of which lead to more pain. It's ironic that the thing that keeps me healthy(ish) is also holding me back... but I guess some things come hand in hand with others.
I do have a (hopefully) relative point to sharing this middle-of-the-night-realization that I've just had with you. Now that I've realized my problem, why I feel like I'm watching my life happen instead of living it, I can start to deal with it. Of course, it's not an easy fix, and I don't know how to do it now, let alone on my own, but I do have some place to start. I have a square one, where before I didn't even have that. I just had a feeling like something was missing from my life. I am proud to say that for once, I have been praying to God about this. I did not forget to talk to God about this particular problem, and I think that is in large part because of my blog. Writing on here reminds me to step out of my own little world and let God in, and I hope that by sharing my experiences and middle-of-the-night-realizations with you that I can remind you to let God in as well. So, goodnight for now!
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Sierra

Day Three... Sorta

I clearly have gotten a bit behind in posting, but I am going to play the "hospital card" because I was exhausted last night. Being in the hospital is just plain exhausting. Even though I just lay in a bed all day, I am constantly doing something. I feel like I have talked about this before, but I am too tired to remember... which is ironic. But anyways, I am always busy. I wake up, order breakfast, and my nurse comes in to give me my morning medicine. I am usually fed, awake, and alert by 10:00, at which point my mom and I go for a walk around the hospital. We like going just around my floor exploring and watching the hospital robots move all on their own, stand on the glass floor (well I stand on it and my mom stands on the floor below it) and wave to each other, walk around the outside garden, explore another floor, and/or other activities such as these. I walk really slowly because I am tired and a little weak, so we walk for about 15-20 minutes total, not getting far and not doing much. It's nice to spice it up a bit with a new place to walk to, but we only do one at a time. There are activities going on around the Pediatrics department like the media room, art therapy, music therapy, the teen lounge, etc. but not many of them interest me enough for me to spend my energy on. Yesterday, my mom and I had company on our morning walk, because my grandparents came for a while, morning to early afternoon. It was really nice for my mom and I to have some more company. After our walk, we chatted, then I got tired, so we watched Frozen! My grandma had never seen it, so that along with my love for it made it the perfect movie to watch! They also got to stay for lunch and experience the surprisingly yummy hospital food, and then we chatted some more, and they left so I could get a massage. Unfortunately, the massage lady and I had a misunderstanding so she didn't show up when I was expecting her, and while I was waiting, I took a nap. Even though I didn't fully fall asleep, that rest time really helped me get through the rest of the day. I fell asleep as I was waiting for my boyfriend to come, and I slept past the time he got here, but luckily he is sweet and patient and my mom kept him occupied giving him a tour of the floor. I woke up and started pushing the button to raise my bed into a sitting position, and saw him and my mom peek through the window in my door. I guess they had come by a few other times, peeking in when I was asleep... but oh well I needed the nap. So for the rest of the afternoon, I watched movies with him and my mom, went on our usual afternoon walk or two, and had dinner with him. After dinner, we went for a walk just the two of us before he had to leave, and that fifteen minutes was the best part of my week so far. It never ceases to amaze me how just being next to him makes me feel better. Every time I stop and think about that, I thank God for him. I don't know where I would be without him... but I definitely would not be this happy. Somehow, my headaches drew us together, and no matter how life ends up, I am thankful that I have him now.
Now that I have started down this path of thankfulness, I must venture on. Through my headaches, I have met and become close with people who otherwise would never have been as big of a part or even a part of my lives otherwise. This is another way that God makes good out of bad. Like I've said before, I don't think God chooses to give certain people bad things. Satan gives bad to everybody, and God uses His power to only allow the amount of suffering that you can handle. When people hear about my migraines, I often get the response of "wow that all sucks but to have to be dealing with it at 17... that's just worse." I don't really agree with that though, because God has a plan for me. I have big goals. All of the data from all the other girls who have started getting migraines around the same age I did, when they get past the puberty stage into early 20's, the migraines die down and become much more manageable. So, with my big goals in mind, and also thinking of the big picture of my life, now is the best time for me to have a headache every day. God gave me the courage, passion, drive, all the qualities I needed to succeed in high school, because I have succeeded. I am going to my college. The college I want to go to. All because God has blessed me with the personality to make it through this time as well as the support system I need to compliment my personality. I am forever grateful for those who have prayed for me, are praying for me, and will continue praying for me. People I don't even know personally are praying for me, and I find that amazing. The only reason I have so many people praying for me is because of my immediate support system. My church is wonderful, in the members as well as the symbol. MCC (Our church name) = Mission. Christ. Community. All three of which I need, all three of which I have. I have the mission to someday become a doctor and impact peoples lives in the same way my doctors have in mine. I have Christ in my heart, my family, my world. Last and definitely not least, I have community. I have community in my family, who all pray for me, and ask their friends to pray for me as well. I have community in my friends, who have neverending support, love, and patience for me. I even have community in this hospital. God has handpicked each and every nurse that has been here for me, and every single one of them has been fabulous. Yes, I am currently in the hospital with a tube in my arm giving me medicine that makes me feel icky, but it is only temporary. Good things will come. Never forget that. Good things will always come.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Sierra