3:20 AM

So since it's 3:20 AM right now, I'll keep it short and sweet.
I've realized why my life feels so surreal here at Davis. It's something beyond just the fact that it's a big change for me. Literally, just now, I realized that I can't accept that this is actually my life. My life is so good right now, and it has been good for seven straight weeks now. That is a record. Up until two months ago, 3 days of happiness in a row was a HUGE deal for me. Even now that I've had SEVEN WEEKS of goodness, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, constantly preparing myself for the worst. I'm still not 100% positive that I will finish this quarter. The little voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that good doesn't last forever, especially not in my experiences, so I should take what I've got and expect nothing more. Because of this, I feel like I'm watching my life happen instead of living it, even though I am really really really enjoying my time here! I just wish I could get that little voice in the back of my head to shut up so I could live my life, but even if that was possible, it would not be a smart idea for me. That little voice has saved me more times than I can count in the past week alone. If I did not listen to the little voice, I would stay out too late with my friends, study less, eat too much junk food, etc. other bad habits, all of which lead to more pain. It's ironic that the thing that keeps me healthy(ish) is also holding me back... but I guess some things come hand in hand with others.
I do have a (hopefully) relative point to sharing this middle-of-the-night-realization that I've just had with you. Now that I've realized my problem, why I feel like I'm watching my life happen instead of living it, I can start to deal with it. Of course, it's not an easy fix, and I don't know how to do it now, let alone on my own, but I do have some place to start. I have a square one, where before I didn't even have that. I just had a feeling like something was missing from my life. I am proud to say that for once, I have been praying to God about this. I did not forget to talk to God about this particular problem, and I think that is in large part because of my blog. Writing on here reminds me to step out of my own little world and let God in, and I hope that by sharing my experiences and middle-of-the-night-realizations with you that I can remind you to let God in as well. So, goodnight for now!
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Sierra