First of all, thank you to each and every one of you who thought of me, prayed for me, contacted me, sent me words of wisdom, or just sent your love my way while I was in the hospital or this past week while I've been recovering. It means so much to me that so many of you are praying and caring about me...
Sometimes I wonder if I'm imagining the pain, or at least the intensity of it. I've found that these moments occur when the pain is less. I think there's something wrong with that process though. The minute my pain decreases, I doubt myself instead of enjoying the time. I start wondering when the pain will return and what I could possibly do to stop it. Sometimes I even wonder if the moment will last forever, and the pain will be permanently subsided. Now if these moments of daydreaming only happened once every few times the pain lessened, that would be okay. But I go through this thinking process every single time. I wonder if me living life carefree for a short period of time will cause others to wonder if I'm faking it too. But why does it matter what they think? Why do I need people to believe the pain I'm in? I've gotten past the point in my life where I need others' approval to behave a certain way or do what I want to, so why should my migraines change that about me? Why should I let them change my personality in a negative way when they already have control of my entire body? Your personality-your mind, thoughts, actions, behaviors, and choices-is the one thing that you have complete control over. You can choose who you want to be. Nothing can change that, not bullies, financial situations, your significant other, or even an all consuming disease. Nothing can change who you are unless you let it.
This is something I'm struggling with this week. In this case, I mean struggling as in actively fighting the urge to give in to the pain and exhaustion from being in the hospital. I haven't posted with an update as to my condition since I was in the hospital because I am still not sure how I feel about needing to accept my condition and what it has done to my life. I've been struggling with a high pain level in the afternoons to evenings, a little nausea here and there, and a very weak body. At first, I could barely brush my hair without my arms being sore afterwards, but now I'm working up to bigger things like doing my laundry or baking for fun. I've even been able to pleasure read a little bit! Luckily, so far I am succeeding in staying positive and keeping myself distracted when necessary. Actually I'm keeping myself distracted 24/7. I'm not sure if this is good for me or not, but it is how I am coping right now. When a situation is fixed and out of your control, it is useless to try to change the outside factors. At that point, the only leeway you have is within yourself. You can only control how you choose to react to the situation. In my case, I've chosen to accept that I am recovering from being in the hospital and that I will have no control over how fast I recover or even how far my recovery takes me, so my job is to keep my mental state content. This week, I have had little strength to work with, and it is gone by 2 PM. At 2:00, I am stuck on the couch for the rest of the day. So, I do as much as I reasonably can before 2:00. I have a nice breakfast, take a shower, get dressed and ready for the day, then I have a project or two to do for the day. Usually, I clean up the kitchen and then work on unpacking my college belongings. This gives me a sense of accomplishment for the day, no matter how small, so that at 8 PM, when I'm ready for bed, I don't feel like I wasted the entire day on the couch binge watching Gossip Girl and Supernatural.
When you are dealing with an impossible situation, it is important to take time and take care of your well being. Being proud of your accomplishments of the day, no matter how big or small, can be the difference between a good day and a bad one. We have to learn how to work with what we're given instead of waiting for more to appear.
"That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:10
Love always,
Sierra
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