The Road to Recovery

First of all, thank you to each and every one of you who thought of me, prayed for me, contacted me, sent me words of wisdom, or just sent your love my way while I was in the hospital or this past week while I've been recovering. It means so much to me that so many of you are praying and caring about me...
Sometimes I wonder if I'm imagining the pain, or at least the intensity of it. I've found that these moments occur when the pain is less. I think there's something wrong with that process though. The minute my pain decreases, I doubt myself instead of enjoying the time. I start wondering when the pain will return and what I could possibly do to stop it. Sometimes I even wonder if the moment will last forever, and the pain will be permanently subsided. Now if these moments of daydreaming only happened once every few times the pain lessened, that would be okay. But I go through this thinking process every single time. I wonder if me living life carefree for a short period of time will cause others to wonder if I'm faking it too. But why does it matter what they think? Why do I need people to believe the pain I'm in? I've gotten past the point in my life where I need others' approval to behave a certain way or do what I want to, so why should my migraines change that about me? Why should I let them change my personality in a negative way when they already have control of my entire body? Your personality-your mind, thoughts, actions, behaviors, and choices-is the one thing that you have complete control over. You can choose who you want to be. Nothing can change that, not bullies, financial situations, your significant other, or even an all consuming disease. Nothing can change who you are unless you let it.
This is something I'm struggling with this week. In this case, I mean struggling as in actively fighting the urge to give in to the pain and exhaustion from being in the hospital. I haven't posted with an update as to my condition since I was in the hospital because I am still not sure how I feel about needing to accept my condition and what it has done to my life. I've been struggling with a high pain level in the afternoons to evenings, a little nausea here and there, and a very weak body. At first, I could barely brush my hair without my arms being sore afterwards, but now I'm working up to bigger things like doing my laundry or baking for fun. I've even been able to pleasure read a little bit! Luckily, so far I am succeeding in staying positive and keeping myself distracted when necessary. Actually I'm keeping myself distracted 24/7. I'm not sure if this is good for me or not, but it is how I am coping right now. When a situation is fixed and out of your control, it is useless to try to change the outside factors. At that point, the only leeway you have is within yourself. You can only control how you choose to react to the situation. In my case, I've chosen to accept that I am recovering from being in the hospital and that I will have no control over how fast I recover or even how far my recovery takes me, so my job is to keep my mental state content. This week, I have had little strength to work with, and it is gone by 2 PM. At 2:00, I am stuck on the couch for the rest of the day. So, I do as much as I reasonably can before 2:00. I have a nice breakfast, take a shower, get dressed and ready for the day, then I have a project or two to do for the day. Usually, I clean up the kitchen and then work on unpacking my college belongings. This gives me a sense of accomplishment for the day, no matter how small, so that at 8 PM, when I'm ready for bed, I don't feel like I wasted the entire day on the couch binge watching Gossip Girl and Supernatural.
When you are dealing with an impossible situation, it is important to take time and take care of your well being. Being proud of your accomplishments of the day, no matter how big or small, can be the difference between a good day and a bad one. We have to learn how to work with what we're given instead of waiting for more to appear.
"That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:10
Love always,
Sierra
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Christaholics Anonymous

So tonight I've just got a short post, but I had this thought and just couldn't NOT share it with you! Tonight at my weekly freshman girls small group, we started sharing our testimonies with the group, and so I found myself in the bathroom afterwards washing my face and brushing my teeth, thinking about my own testimony. I thought about how we shared intimate details with each other, immediately trusting one another to take it seriously and without judgment, also not repeating any unnecessary details with anyone outside of the group. Thinking about it this way, it reminded me of the structure of addiction support group meetings, and what addiction means. The merriam-webster.com definition of "addict" is this: "to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively." The majority of addictions mentioned nowadays are harmful to the well being of the addict, but I think that theoretically, it is possible to have a healthy addiction. Realistically, the only healthy addiction I can think of is an addiction to Christ. An addiction becomes something that you can't control, a passion that directs your life, and my passion for Christ has become uncontrollable since this past weekend. I am on a high right now, a "God high" of sorts. Going on a retreat with a group of devoted Christians does that to you. It changes you completely, and shapes you for the better. As long as your heart is in it and you are ready to accept God's direction, you will leave with a renewed passion for seeking Christ. An addiction to Christ is the only addiction that provides healing instead of causing pain. While away on the retreat, I also reconsidered the meaning of healing, and came up with my own way of defining it. Healing doesn't mean you return to the exact shape you were before, but instead you adapt and learn to live with the scars and recognize that they are closed wounds. Scars don't continue causing you pain, they are just a visual, physical reminder of that pain and how you have overcome it. With an addiction to Christ, a support group is just as necessary as any other addiction, but the parameters of the group will be a little different. A Christ support group encourages you in your addiction and walks with you as it grows stronger and starts to control your life. The healthiest relationship with God is one that is all-encompassing and resilient. That is the type of relationship we should be striving for. I highly encourage you to take every opportunity you have to go on a retreat of any sort with your support group, whether it's going out to ice cream or spending the weekend in the mountains. 
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith-of greater worth than gold-may result in praise,, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy."
1 Peter 1:6-9
Love always,
Sierra

God is Great, Dorms Are Good, and People Are Crazy

Anyone get the reference? The title of this blog is inspired by a country song, the lyrics of which are "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy." For some reason, this song has been playing over and over in my head today. Don't worry, the main parts I agree with are that God is great and people are crazy ;P
For most of my life, I've been told that college tends to be the best years of your life, so I've been expecting amazingness for 18 years now. Surprisingly, my expectations are being succeeded! I can already feel myself growing in ways I never could even begin to imagine, and it is all thanks to God. God hand picked each and every person that is in my life. That's crazy to think about, isn't it? And it's true for every single person on earth! God has created the most intricate, beautiful, perfect puzzle ever! Unfortunately, a bad dog has come and chewed up some of the puzzle pieces. This is an example of my personal belief that God does not give us something unless good will come from it. One thing I forgot to mention in my last post is that sometimes, there are situations that are just plain terrible, and nothing good will come from them. I believe that God doesn't create those situations, only Satan does. Satan is the bad dog that tries to ruin the puzzle just because the pieces taste good. Since God gives us free will, He cannot just replace the disfigured pieces. Instead, He offers to reshape the pieces and make the puzzle whole once again. This brings us to the end of my puzzle analogy since puzzle pieces don't have choices of their own, but we do. We have the choice to follow God. That is my favorite part about Christianity, that it is a choice. On Earth, people can be forced into "faith," but they don't have true faith, and God can see that. God can also see those who don't have what we humans consider as "faith." The human meaning of faith is not the true meaning of faith. Someone might not practice religion or even express their opinions on it during their lifetime, but in their hearts, they accepted God. I believe that God sees these people's hearts and offers heaven to them. This is why God is great. Because He does not SEE you, He KNOWS you.

In the dorms, when you are living with people you barely know, you actually get to know them fairly quickly. For the most part, you can figure out who's who and who you might want to be a part of your life. These first impressions are from what we see, and while I consider myself a good judge of character, (sorry for the moment of cockiness) I have been wrong about people more times than I care to admit. God is never wrong, though. He doesn't make mistakes. I can't even fathom that perfection! People are so imperfect that even our idea of perfection isn't perfect! (Wow that's a confusing sentence.) Get ready for more confusion! While people are imperfect, we are also perfect, because we are God's creation, and He never makes mistakes. Now to the point of the confusing perfection talk: accept that you're perfect just the way you are, and you will be accepting faith in God. It's that simple. You don't need to understand what you believe in. Heck, I have no clue what exactly I believe in! There are so many parts about faith that I doubt, but I choose to put those doubts aside and take it in faith. Faith is believing in something in spite of every fact pointing the opposite direction, every person being against you, and you not believing in yourself. Set all these things aside, accept that you're perfect, and accept God. I can promise you that you will never regret it. 

"For we live by faith, not by sight... For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, so that each of us might receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."

2 Corinthians 5:7,10

Love always,

Sierra

Please Set Goals

Well, contrary to my own belief as well as popular belief, it is possible to get yourself out of a rut. For most of the summer actually, I have been biding my time waiting for better opportunities to come along, from a lower pain level to going away to college. Unfortunately, biding my time was not as enjoyable as I expected it to be, so after a few months of it, my body as well as my mind was stuck in a rut routine of doing nothing. Thankfully though, God is on my side, so I am slowly building up my strength to be ready to go to UC Davis in a few weeks! 15 days until move in day, to be exact. It's amazing how some sort of goal can really change your perspective on the present. My goal is to be ready physically, mentally, and emotionally to go to Davis. Davis has been my goal for the past two years, and now that I am finally merely days from achieving it, I am acquiring some new goals. Even though it sounds kind of crazy to be making new goals before achieving my current ones, it keeps me on top of my game. I'm sure not all people are like me, but everybody has that one thing that makes them tick, keeps them motivated even in the slowest, most boring times of their lives. Hopefully, this past summer will have been my slowest, most boring time of my life because that means that I am at least going to enjoy my next few months! However, even if you aren't as keen on setting goals for yourself, it is still a smart thing to do. Having set goals, if they are positively realistic, will give you motivation for the important things in life. I'm not saying that you need to sit down with a pen and legal pad and write down your goals for life, love, happiness, houses, etc., or even make any kind of record of your goals, but I am merely suggesting that you record your goal in your mind. Right about now, I'm sure some of you are wondering why you should take life advice from an eighteen year old girl with migraines, and frankly, I'm wondering that myself. Logically, I don't know why God wants me to keep this blog, because I have not even lived through half of my lifespan, yet I am giving others tips on how to live a long happy life. I do know, however, that if I followed every single one of my logical thoughts, I would not still be seeing my doctor, and I most definitely would not have a relationship with God. There is a time in your life for logic, a time for faith, and a time to combine them. When you set goals for yourself, the goal needs to be thought of through a logical method of thinking, but you also need to have faith that God will give you grace to make some mistakes along the way. One of the mistakes I often make with goals is that I expect myself to accomplish them quickly and easily, no matter how unattainable they may seem. I expect a lot from myself, more than I am capable of, so the person I disappoint most in my life is myself. Again, thinking logically, I should just have lower expectations of myself right? Yeah, no... it's just not that easy for me. The thing is, everybody is unique. None of you is going to completely relate to every single thing I post on this blog, but hopefully all of you will be able to relate to at least a single thing on this blog, and I guess that is the reason why I write to you. God works in mysterious ways. Have faith and trust that God will guide you in every step of the way when setting goals for yourself. Most importantly, set your goals for God's timeline, not your own. If you try to rush or drag on your life, you could miss the best parts of it. God's timeline is perfection, even though we cannot see the whole thing.
"Then the Lord said to me, 'Write my answer plainly on tablets, so that a runner can carry the correct message to others. This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.'"
Habakkuk 2:2-3
Love always,
Sierra

Day Five

Finally!!! I'm almost done. I'm getting my second to last DHE infusion right now and I'm happy that it's almost over but not happy that I'm having this. Today was kind of a sucky day... I started off feeling pretty good! Then I started going downhill in the afternoon. Half an hour into my 2:30 PM infusion, I starting having pretty bad nausea. So, I took some Tums and waited another 20 minutes... Then called and asked for some nausea rescue medicine. Somehow my request was lost in communication, so 45 minutes later I still did not have relief from the nausea. When we called to ask what was taking so long, we realized that it had never been ordered. So I got to wait another hour for medicine. In the meantime, I watched supernatural. Usually watching an interesting movie or tv show distracts me well enough for a good enough period of time. Today I was just overwhelmed with different uncomfortable feelings... But later I realized that I was being proactive beyond just supernatural. I used a technique my counselor taught me, called "cut the cord." This technique helps me when my pain is overwhelming and I can't seem to do anything but think about it, complain about it, and cry about it, all three of which make the pain worse. So, "cut the cord" is the method i use when distraction alone isn't enough. What I do is when a thought comes up that sends me down the sad I have migraines road is I acknowledge the thought, determine whether thinking about it will send me in a good or bad direction, then act accordingly. Cut the cord is the action of acknowledging then moving on. Sometimes life seems like it needs a "cut the cord" moment. The moments that you lose hope, just stop thinking about feeling hopeless. Cause the second you stop thinking about it, hope returns. That is because God is waiting for you to stop fighting your battles on your own. He is hope. He is our hope. Our only hope. God's middle name is hope. Losing hope is easy. Getting it back is the hard part... Trust me, I speak from experience. I also happen to know that the second you ask for His support, God is there. Just keep the faith. 

"When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, He asked him, 'Do you want to get well'"

John 5:6

Love always,

Sierra 

Day Four

Okay so I am in the hospital right now but I am having so much fun learning!! Yesterday afternoon, I got to talk to a medical student currently enrolled in her third year at UCSF, and I really got the inside scoop on medical school. I was afraid that med school was going to suck and be all work and no play, but the "all work" part only lasts for the first two years. After that bookwork is done comes the play! In this case, shadowing doctors and doing hands on work with patients as well as researching the field you are interested in. Also, tomorrow I get to learn how to test the cranial nerves, because she is going to come teach me! So all in all, after talking with her, I am not as scared of medical school. Today I also got to talk to a resident here at the hospital to see another point of view on the whole process of becoming a doctor. So I know that to become a doctor, you need 4 years of undergrad, 4 years of medical school, and up to 5 years of residency and possibly fellowship. Until recently, I did not know what each phase of the process looked like. Today I learned that not only do you get to do hands on learning for the past two years of med school, but for your residency, you are an MD. You do not have the authority of a fully certified MD, but you still get to see patients and act like a fully certified doctor. During your residency, you see patients and treat them how you see fit, with the approval of the doctor above you. So basically, you're a doctor without the fancy shmancy certificate saying you're certified. This came as a huge relief. Also, it is completely possible and realistic to need a break between undergrad and med school, so even if I do not come out of undergrad raring to go to med school, I can still become a doctor.
I also learned about the PA, Physician's Assistant, and its increasing prestige in the world of medicine. As a patient, the common view is to see a PA as a lesser version of a doctor because they don't have the "MD" and went through less schooling. Now with the inside scoop from a resident MD, I know that a PA is in no way lesser than a doctor. The difference is that a PA only has two years of post undergrad education, and PA's do not specialize in any way, so they could work in different departments, like Pediatric Neurology, then Oncology, then back to Pediatrics, and so on, or they could continue in one area in particular. PA's technically still have to work beneath a doctor, but they function in the clinic, hospital, home, etc. in the same manner as a doctor.
Now to how my day went today! Well, it was a hospital day made as wonderful as possible because of my amazing support system. My best friend and her mom, who is my mom's best friend, came and spent the day with my mom and I. My friend and I colored, talked, and watched Netflix, as well as playing the weekly hospital round of BINGO, and my mom got to get out of the hospital for a little bit. It is almost harder for moms to be in the hospital, because they have to watch their babies go through things babies should not have to go through. I say "babies" because in a mom's eyes, we never grow up. We are always their babies. Which, I guess is fine, embarrassing, but at the same time comforting. It has been wonderful having my mom with me here in the hospital because moms always make you feel better. Granted, I have felt a lot better yesterday and today rather than Tuesday, but I have still had my tight spots. My head has been up and down and my nausea level is increasing a little bit, but all is being handled as best as is possible. I am exhausted yet again tonight, and very much ready to go home... but only two more days. Well, one and a half... but two more days until I get home, considering it takes almost three hours to get home. Moving on now...
Sorry again if this information bores you, so I do not mind one bit if you just skimmed through my first two paragraphs, but here comes the fun part. We have free will. Yes, God has a plan for us and He knows which paths we are going to choose, but we do not choose those paths because He planned for us to do so. He knows the past, current, and future plans that we choose because He sees our hearts. He knows the obstacles that will come at us as well as the things that will help us, and He knows how we will react based on our character. So, yes, God has planned out what your life will look like. But that is not because He chose for you. That is what free will is. It is what gives us the ability to choose between a doctor and a PA for our future jobs, the choice to go to the hospital or not, the choice to go to parties and have fun or stay home and study, and He does not judge us either way. This is another thing that is comforting to me, because it proves God's love for us. If it hadn't already been proven to you by Jesus' death and resurrection, the Bible, miracles, etc., then God's love can be proven in our right to free will. God willingly gives us our will. We never have to fight him, because He backs us up no matter what choice we make. This is because his love is everlasting and unconditional. It is unfathomable to our human minds just how deep his love is. Don't try to understand it or make it logical, because that isn't the point. I am a total science geek, so like aliens, sure they can exist, but I won't believe that they do until I see lots of hard evidence, but that is just not how God works. A relationship with God is built entirely on faith. Faith is believing in something when all the evidence points against it. It is a gut instinct that some people try to bury because it is illogical. I don't know about you, but sometimes I do not trust my gut instinct, so I end up making a different decision, ultimately a wrong one. For some reason, I continue not trusting my gut instinct even though it has proven to be reliable for the most part. I do the same thing with God sometimes, I try to understand it and make it logical, but then I stop myself and remind myself that it wouldn't be faith if I could understand it. Faith is one thing you cannot force upon other people. So, I do not want to force faith in God onto you, but I do ask that you take a moment to understand that faith in God defies all logic and human understanding, and that is what makes it so darn amazing.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1
Love always,
Sierra

Day Three... Sorta

I clearly have gotten a bit behind in posting, but I am going to play the "hospital card" because I was exhausted last night. Being in the hospital is just plain exhausting. Even though I just lay in a bed all day, I am constantly doing something. I feel like I have talked about this before, but I am too tired to remember... which is ironic. But anyways, I am always busy. I wake up, order breakfast, and my nurse comes in to give me my morning medicine. I am usually fed, awake, and alert by 10:00, at which point my mom and I go for a walk around the hospital. We like going just around my floor exploring and watching the hospital robots move all on their own, stand on the glass floor (well I stand on it and my mom stands on the floor below it) and wave to each other, walk around the outside garden, explore another floor, and/or other activities such as these. I walk really slowly because I am tired and a little weak, so we walk for about 15-20 minutes total, not getting far and not doing much. It's nice to spice it up a bit with a new place to walk to, but we only do one at a time. There are activities going on around the Pediatrics department like the media room, art therapy, music therapy, the teen lounge, etc. but not many of them interest me enough for me to spend my energy on. Yesterday, my mom and I had company on our morning walk, because my grandparents came for a while, morning to early afternoon. It was really nice for my mom and I to have some more company. After our walk, we chatted, then I got tired, so we watched Frozen! My grandma had never seen it, so that along with my love for it made it the perfect movie to watch! They also got to stay for lunch and experience the surprisingly yummy hospital food, and then we chatted some more, and they left so I could get a massage. Unfortunately, the massage lady and I had a misunderstanding so she didn't show up when I was expecting her, and while I was waiting, I took a nap. Even though I didn't fully fall asleep, that rest time really helped me get through the rest of the day. I fell asleep as I was waiting for my boyfriend to come, and I slept past the time he got here, but luckily he is sweet and patient and my mom kept him occupied giving him a tour of the floor. I woke up and started pushing the button to raise my bed into a sitting position, and saw him and my mom peek through the window in my door. I guess they had come by a few other times, peeking in when I was asleep... but oh well I needed the nap. So for the rest of the afternoon, I watched movies with him and my mom, went on our usual afternoon walk or two, and had dinner with him. After dinner, we went for a walk just the two of us before he had to leave, and that fifteen minutes was the best part of my week so far. It never ceases to amaze me how just being next to him makes me feel better. Every time I stop and think about that, I thank God for him. I don't know where I would be without him... but I definitely would not be this happy. Somehow, my headaches drew us together, and no matter how life ends up, I am thankful that I have him now.
Now that I have started down this path of thankfulness, I must venture on. Through my headaches, I have met and become close with people who otherwise would never have been as big of a part or even a part of my lives otherwise. This is another way that God makes good out of bad. Like I've said before, I don't think God chooses to give certain people bad things. Satan gives bad to everybody, and God uses His power to only allow the amount of suffering that you can handle. When people hear about my migraines, I often get the response of "wow that all sucks but to have to be dealing with it at 17... that's just worse." I don't really agree with that though, because God has a plan for me. I have big goals. All of the data from all the other girls who have started getting migraines around the same age I did, when they get past the puberty stage into early 20's, the migraines die down and become much more manageable. So, with my big goals in mind, and also thinking of the big picture of my life, now is the best time for me to have a headache every day. God gave me the courage, passion, drive, all the qualities I needed to succeed in high school, because I have succeeded. I am going to my college. The college I want to go to. All because God has blessed me with the personality to make it through this time as well as the support system I need to compliment my personality. I am forever grateful for those who have prayed for me, are praying for me, and will continue praying for me. People I don't even know personally are praying for me, and I find that amazing. The only reason I have so many people praying for me is because of my immediate support system. My church is wonderful, in the members as well as the symbol. MCC (Our church name) = Mission. Christ. Community. All three of which I need, all three of which I have. I have the mission to someday become a doctor and impact peoples lives in the same way my doctors have in mine. I have Christ in my heart, my family, my world. Last and definitely not least, I have community. I have community in my family, who all pray for me, and ask their friends to pray for me as well. I have community in my friends, who have neverending support, love, and patience for me. I even have community in this hospital. God has handpicked each and every nurse that has been here for me, and every single one of them has been fabulous. Yes, I am currently in the hospital with a tube in my arm giving me medicine that makes me feel icky, but it is only temporary. Good things will come. Never forget that. Good things will always come.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Sierra

Day One

Well, I have officially started my treatment! One round of DHE is done and over with, and bearable as well. So far, not too much nausea, nothing I can't handle ;). The PICC line was seamlessly inserted by the same doctor who gave me my picc line last time! (we'll call her Dr. Picc) She remembered me, which I find amazing. Each of her work days is full of many different children, yet she still remembered me, from 6 months ago. She was my first glimpse of God in this hospital. It only took about 15 minutes to get my room assignment and go up to my floor on the elevator, and the first face I see in the halls is Dr. Picc. She saw me and stopped me to say oh hi! I remember you! I put your picc in in January. I'll see you soon!
As I have said in the past, I find the PICC line fascinating. The very first step is cleaning my whole upper left arm with antibacterial fluids and a sterile sponge and putting numbing cream on a small area of my arm. After about half an hour, Dr. Picc came back in to finish the process. The long process was started with her measuring the length from the crook of my elbow to the tip of my shoulder, then from the tip of my shoulder down to just above my sternum on the left side. This length is the length she cut the tube (that goes inside my vein) to be. Then, she looked at the vein with an ultrasound machine to make sure my vein didn't have any problems. I got to see my vein on the ultrasound machine!! It was so cool! Then comes a lot more sterilizing my arm, including using sterile gloves, gowns, towels, coverings, masks, hair nets... Throughout the rest of the process, half of my body was covered in blue sterile cloths, and every single object she used, down to the needle caps, was sterile. There was a hole just big enough to see my arm on the place the picc was going to be inserted. While looking at my vein on the ultrasound, Dr. Picc gave me a shot of lidocaine, all around the vein in my left upper arm. The lidocaine hurt... but not a lot and not for very long. After numbing the area, she poked my arm with a needle, still looking at my vein on the ultrasound. I watched the screen of the ultrasound, and watched as well as felt her poke into my vein with the needle. That also hurt, but just like a small pinch inside my arm. Then, a very thin wire was put into my vein through the needle. The wire is used to guide the tube into my vein, then once the tube is placed correctly, the wire is removed. In order to fit the tube into my arm, she needed to cut my skin a little bit. Before she made the small cut, she put a little more lidocaine in my arm. I honestly did not feel her cut my skin, which means the lidocaine did its job well. After the cut, the tube fit into my arm. Dr. Picc asked me to turn my head to the left and look down. I did this to help her guide the tube down the right pathway of veins. The proper placing of the tube is up through my shoulder then down near my heart. Sometimes, the tube takes a wrong turn and goes up into the neck. This is not a problem until fluids and medicines are introduced, so after the tube was all the way in my arm, Dr. Picc used the ultrasound again to look at the vein in my neck and make sure the tube wasn't up there. Mine wasn't, so she finished the process by putting the IV connections in place and taping everything in place. Just to make sure the tube was in the right spot in my chest, I got a chest X-Ray. Everything was set up and ready, IV fluids included, by 1:00.
Considering we woke up at 5:15 this morning, rode in the car for almost 3 hours, and have been busy in the hospital all day, my mom and I are exhausted. We continue seeing God in people, places, and even the technology that we have come in contact with. So far, my mom and I have met two tech guys, one of whom was from Ireland and the other had a similar accent, that we chatted with. Both of my nurses are smiley, chatty, and very kind. I have seen a few doctors who came around to introduce themselves and ask if I needed anything. I also had my first doctors rounds today. Every day around the same time, this week 3:00 PM, my neurologist enters my room with a trail of ducklings watching her every move. I am at a UC hospital, which means it is a teaching hospital, so there are lots of residents along with the doctors throughout the hospital. A team of about seven people will come by my room every day to see how I am doing. Today was more of a "hello" than anything, since I had only just started DHE when they came. Tomorrow, they will ask me questions about how my nausea, headache, leg cramps, etc. have been doing and what medicines I take to manage them. My neurologist mentioned to the group that I am going to UC Davis and when I told them I am majoring in Human Development, their faces all lit up with excitement for me. That is a very reassuring sign. My neurologist even commented that she hopes someday I will be back in this hospital working with her in Pediatrics.. another moment of God.
Now, I am going to relax, watch Supernatural, and drink my vanilla malt. I will get one more dosage of DHE tonight, at 10:30, then I am planning on going to bed. I really appreciate all of your prayers, support, and love.
“For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,  I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’  Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?  And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’  And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” Matthew 25:35-40
Love always,
Sierra

Learning to Share

Through all of my interactions with medications, I have learned a lot about how my body responds to medicine.  Typically, doctors give every patient a "grace period," which is different for every person, so when you are first prescribed the medicine, the doctor gives you an average amount of time to wait to see if the medicine helps.  For example, once I got a grace period of 2-4 weeks, other times 1-2 months, even up to 4 or 5 months.  I have since learned that when I am given an average grace period, my body waits until the very last second to use up the power of the medicine.  So, for the shot, I was told to wait up to 2 months for it to take its effect, if it was to have any effect that is. The shot did not help my pain at all... even after I waited 2 months.  So, we moved on to the next phase.
This next phase is a fairly long one so I will only tell part of it tonight.  We went back to UCSF for my follow-up appointment after the shot, planning to "put our foot down" to get some real help fast.  (This particular follow-up appointment was in mid-November.)  This appointment is where we started planning my first planned hospital stay.  That day, we learned about a new treatment, one my old neurologist, Dr. C. didn't even know about.  The nice thing about going to a teaching/research hospital or clinic is the amount of different trials there are. Luckily, I was treated with a medicine that had already been researched and proven to work in most subjects.  That medicine is called "dihydroergotamine," or DHE for short.  I was told that the medicine is given to the patient through a kind of IV line, specifically a PICC line, every 8 hours.  This happens every day for five days, and the patient is admitted into the hospital for the whole course of the treatment.  The medicine is started off given at a rate of one bag per hour and a half, and the rate is decreased if side effects occur.  The possible side effects include stiff, cramped legs (fixed by walking around the hospital), nausea, dizziness, headaches (ironic, right?), muscle pain or weakness...  All in all, the side effects seemed worth the risk.  After deciding to go through with it, the planning began.  Planning the treatment ended up being half the battle... which is one of the reasons why this phase is a long one.
So... hospitals are scary, right??  They are scary in every way possible... there is white everywhere, with bright lights, people in boring uniforms, wearing masks, people dying, being born, treated for cancer, treated for a nosebleed, etc.  When I was little, I never once dreamed about my senior year including a hospital visit.  Not only would I have to endure a trip to the hospital, but I would have to do it while going to high school.  As I have shared already, school was already difficult enough for me, without the added stress of a hospital visit.  Throughout my whole experience with migraines, I stop, look up at God, and ask him why He is doing this to me.  Why won't he lift my burden off my shoulders?  Why won't he take my pain away?  Why won't he at least make it a little bit better?  Well the truth is, he already is doing all of that, every day.  From the first day you accept God into your heart, he shares your burdens.  You are not a lone ox pulling a plow.  You share the yolk with God.  He bears your burdens just as much as you do.  Now I don't know how many of you know how a yolk works, but a yolk only works as long as both oxen are moving at the same pace, working together.  I am very bad about moving at an even pace with God.  I try to move faster, and do it on my own; this then creates an uneven yolk, causing even more pain.  Clearly none of us are perfect, and so we will all have moments where we try to rush ahead or fall behind God's pace.  When you are struggling in any area of your life, stop for a moment and talk to God.  Sometimes, you are just going to struggle with life, and God is right next to you through it.  Other times, you put unnecessary struggles and pain into your life because you leave God's side.  It is amazing how the second you stop to struggle, if you have left God's side, He tells you.  But you need to be proactive enough to stop struggling, and listen for God's voice.  When I say "God's voice," I do not mean that literally you will hear a booming voice telling you to slow down.  God speaks to us in many different ways... whether through others or through your own feelings, He is speaking to you.  So stop and listen to God.  He will share your burden.
"For my yolk is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:30
Love always,
Sierra

The Beginning

I’ve never been one to share my life story with others. I never thought it could mean anything to anybody but myself.

While I am only seventeen, I have gone through more than some adults. I am also aware that although my life was, is, and will be hard, it could be a lot worse. I don’t live with a constant threat on my life from persecution, disease, drought, famine, etc. I have a wonderful family, a roof over my head, food every morning, noon, and night, someone to love, faith in God. Yet sometimes I don’t stop to cherish what I have and to see the big picture God has planned for me. It is hard to see how pain can ever become good.

Every day, I live with emotional, mental, and physical pain. Since July of 2013, I have lived every day in pain. That summer, my family and I went on a road trip across seventeen states. No doubt about it, that trip was full of fun with friends and family! Unfortunately, the trip did not end on a happy note for me. I started getting headaches the last week of the trip. At first, I assumed I was dehydrated, exhausted, or fighting a cold. After two weeks of nonstop headaches, I went to the doctor. Now, nearly two years later, I still have that headache. After hundreds of doctor appointments, every test possible, and asking God why he won’t take this burden off my shoulders, I am diagnosed with chronic migraines. More specifically, a chronic migraine. I have not had a pain free day since the beginning of that trip.

I am not telling you all my story for sympathy. Quite the opposite, in fact. I would like to give sympathy, empathy, to anybody living with pain. No matter how severe, pain is pain. Pain is tough. But pain is not given to us by God. Satan gives us pain, God turns the pain into joy. For example, I have not experienced the pains of pregnancy or childbirth, (nor do I plan to experience them until after marriage), but growing a human being inside of your body is going to cause you pain. But the nine months of pain is accompanied by joy, then followed by an eternal joy.

We aren’t meant to live easy lives, because then life would be meaningless. If only one person follows me and is reminded how amazing life is, this blog will be a success.

I will do my best to post daily to continue sharing my story to help someone else with their own story, and to help them wrote their happy ending. “With God, all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

Love always, Sierra