It has come to my attention that I have not updated everyone on who I am and who is in my life at college. Also, it has been way too long since I've posted on here anyways, so here goes! As most of you know, I'm studying at UC Davis for at least the next four years of my life. Isn't that crazy? I'm in college. I'm living on my own, looking for a job, studying, and planning my own life. Since I was a little girl, I've wanted to be an adult and be in charge of my own life, and now that it is here and happening, I can't believe it. I keep waiting to wake up from my dream and still be at home in high school with the same friends, same situations, and same responsibilities. Every time I go home, I forget just how real Davis is. Davis is my life now, and home (Modesto) is my vacation from my life. That is a HUGE transition, especially when I've never even transitioned into a new house before. I've lived in the same town, same neighborhood, same house, even the same bedroom, for the my entire life. Now, all of a sudden, everything has changed. (Anybody else get the Taylor Swift song popped up in your head from me saying "everything has changed"?) This is the first major change to happen in my life that I am happy about. When I think of the things that have changed my life in the past, what comes to mind is: the newfound "freedom" of high school, losing old friends and gaining better ones, Freshman year to graduating, and then I think of my aunt's unexpected death, my uncle's passing, my headaches, doctors, hospital trips, and then that becomes all I can think of. The bad overshadows the good. I don't want that to happen with Davis. I want Davis to be the place where the good shines through the bad, or even better, there is good without bad. So, I've been avoiding some truths in my life. I've been keeping my sad feelings quiet and suppressed, thinking that they would go away on their own. (Which is completely silly, because I know that suppressing feelings only makes them worse, so you'd think I'd know better.) First of all, you need to be informed of what is in my life and who is in my life. I have an AMAZING group of friends here. I am not dating anybody, but I have met more incredible, godly men and women than I ever knew there were in this world. I always thought I was weird for my strong foundation of faith and how I try to live it through every aspect of my life, but every single person in my new church group is striving to let God live through their lives as well. Of course, none of us is perfect, but the important part is that we're trying. This is the first time in my life that my very best friends, that I get to see every single day, are also a part of my church group. The best thing about this is that when I need someone to talk to, I can go to any one of them, and they will be there for me as well as remind me that God is here with me too. Sometimes, when life gets crazy, I'm too focused on what is happening right in front of me. I forget to let go and let God. My ego gets the best of me, and I try to do it on my own. My counselor has an acronym for "EGO" that I can really identify with: Edge God Out. When our ego gets bigger, God's voice gets smaller, and you start to edge God out of your life. This happens to me way way way too often. I try to juggle everything in my life as is, all on my own, without asking God what He wants me to do or what I am even able to do. When organization, preparedness, and patience are the most important things you can do to manage your life as they are for me, the more I listen to my ego, the less organized, prepared, and patient I am with life. Not only do we (me and others like me) lose patience with life, but we lose patience with God, and then start blaming Him for our own mistakes. Even though my time here at Davis has been wonderful, I have had too big of an ego for most of it. I've been trying to put up a front that I am always happy, bubbly, energetic, patient, and kind. Deep down, I knew that this isn't possible for anyone, let alone me, yet I continued to pretend. When my close friends asked me how my day was going, it was almost always "good, how about you?" no matter what my day was actually like. Because I have a constant reminder that life isn't perfect, it is easy for me to think about myself that I am always sad or unhappy because I am always in pain, but just as I am not always happy, I am not always sad either. In fact, the majority of my time at college has been spent in bliss. Yes, I have lots of homework. Yes, I have to study for multiple hours every single day. Yes, I still end up procrastinating way too much on Netflix. Yes, I am still constantly in pain. When I have a bad headache, I find myself repeating these negative statements over and over in my head, but these are just half of the truth. I actually enjoy doing my homework. I love learning more about my subjects and expanding my skills. I like studying because I am studying MY topics: math, science, and currently, psychology. I am still constantly in pain, but I am in less pain than I was in before. When the intense pain subsides, the full truths come out and I feel better about myself. This can be applied to everybody's life. When you find yourself feeling sad or depressed, take a note of the negative thoughts that are swirling around in your mind, and later when you are out of your slump, return to those thoughts. I can promise you that most every single one of them will only be half of the truth. That's what Satan uses to trick us. He tells us things that we know are true, but he only tells us half of the truth so that it seems worse than it really is. (Don't worry, I'm not saying your negative thoughts are Satan in your head. They're just what Satan wants for you, and because we are human, we have these bad thoughts all on our own.) But, because we also have God, if you give Him the chance, the full truths will start revealing themselves to you. You will see God's hand working in your life. You will see Him in the little moments of happiness you get from the sun shining and in the relationships that build up your confidence and sense of belonging. This is because God is in every single aspect of your life, and He is just waiting for you to notice Him. God is with every single one of us, whether we believe in Him or not. The difference between believers and non believers is that Christians have God in their heart, not just in their lives. That is the ideal life on earth, one lived hand in hand with God.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."
James 1:2-5
Love always,
Sierra
P.S. ^^I think I've found my new favorite verses.^^
Showing posts with label college. Show all posts
Showing posts with label college. Show all posts
Friday, January 15, 2016
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Patience is Key
Soooooo I finished my first quarter of college!!! And I was successful in it, academically, socially, emotionally, physically... in every way possible, I feel that I was successful. There are lots of reasons that I was successful this quarter, the most important of these are God's perfect plan and my wonderful family. I have slightly adjusted my definition of family in the past few months, from blood relatives to anybody important in my life. I have discovered that God provides family to those who ask for it, even if it is not in the way you expect. My family has greatly expanded, and consequently so has my faith. Going into college, I was preparing myself for a multitude of times where my faith, character, and values would be tested. Well, it turns out that I was tested, but not in the way I expected. I anticipated temptation to participate in illicit activities that would threaten my health, personality, and possibly even my future, because that's what college is about, right? Testing the limits, making mistakes, and learning from them? So far, this has been proven to be true, but it has happened in the best possible way. Instead of experiencing temptation to go out and party with the wrong crowd, I was tempted to stay out all night line dancing, drinking boba, and playing card games. I tested my physical limits by staying out later than I ever have before, and I tested my social/mental/emotional limits by placing myself in situations that I knew I was slightly uncomfortable in, but that I also knew would strengthen my confidence. Because I tested my limits in these ways, I have built strong foundations for friendships, strengthened my body, and had incredibly fun times along the way. I entered college a fragile little girl who was still recovering from being in the hospital, and even though I've only made it through a third of this year, I am already stronger and smarter than I have ever been.
Yesterday, I visited my doctor at UCSF for the first time in six months. The appointment was very enlightening. I was reminded how serious and permanent my condition is. This is the first appointment that I have had where I forgot about the severity of the impact of my disease, and that is a victory in itself. That is proof that my treatments are working; even though my body is not healing, my mind is healing. For the majority of my past appointments in UCSF, I have left disappointed, spending the first 20-30 minutes of the 3 hour car ride home sobbing because I was not given any new answers. Even though this appointment was not all that different from any others, I did not cry on my way home. Instead, I made plans to spend some time with my aunt and little cousin, and rocked out to some throwback One Direction music with my mom. We even went shopping! Why is this relevant to you, you may ask? Because the little things you do to help yourself manage your pain do make a difference in the end. This was the first time that I did not have to consciously choose to think positively after a fairly negative experience. I have been working on training my brain to focus on the positive and not the negative, and until recently, it has been a conscious decision to turn from the negative thoughts and towards the positive ones. For the majority of this quarter, my brain had a tendency towards the positive thoughts. That is why this past quarter was so successful for me, because all of my hard work with my DBT therapist has paid off. (DBT is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). DBT is part of my prescribed treatment plan, and it involves an active relationship with my therapist. My sessions with my therapist are not the usual kinds of therapy, where I lay on a couch and tell her every thought I've had in the past week. My therapist and I have discussions about how I consciously and subconsciously respond to the pain. I learn proven techniques to think positively as well as the chemistry behind how my brain functions in relation to the pain.)
Every time I stopped myself from thinking about how much my head hurt and instead focused on any positive thing, big or small, I trained my brain that positive is good and negative is bad. You'd think that that would be obvious, right? Clearly it is not obvious to the migraine brain, though, because so often depression, anxiety, and other real problems are developed because of chronic migraines. This is why patience is key, because pain is a very serious thing, no matter what kind of pain it is. Pain can be debilitating in multiple areas of your life, and often times, it is impossible to defeat on your own. It is also impossible to simply stop pain. You cannot throw it away, choose not to feel it, or decide that is is unimportant. Unfortunately, it takes patience to deal with pain, and I have learned that I am not very good at patience. I think this is one of the things that God is going to teach me through this trial. God is teaching me patience. True patience shows faith in God, even though it may seem like a simple "worldly" task. Developing relationships, preparing for exams, even waiting in line requires patience, and therefore faith. Faith that sooner or later, what you're waiting for WILL come. Faith that it is worth your patience. Faith it is God's will. Faith that it is worth it.
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31
Love always,
Sierra
Yesterday, I visited my doctor at UCSF for the first time in six months. The appointment was very enlightening. I was reminded how serious and permanent my condition is. This is the first appointment that I have had where I forgot about the severity of the impact of my disease, and that is a victory in itself. That is proof that my treatments are working; even though my body is not healing, my mind is healing. For the majority of my past appointments in UCSF, I have left disappointed, spending the first 20-30 minutes of the 3 hour car ride home sobbing because I was not given any new answers. Even though this appointment was not all that different from any others, I did not cry on my way home. Instead, I made plans to spend some time with my aunt and little cousin, and rocked out to some throwback One Direction music with my mom. We even went shopping! Why is this relevant to you, you may ask? Because the little things you do to help yourself manage your pain do make a difference in the end. This was the first time that I did not have to consciously choose to think positively after a fairly negative experience. I have been working on training my brain to focus on the positive and not the negative, and until recently, it has been a conscious decision to turn from the negative thoughts and towards the positive ones. For the majority of this quarter, my brain had a tendency towards the positive thoughts. That is why this past quarter was so successful for me, because all of my hard work with my DBT therapist has paid off. (DBT is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). DBT is part of my prescribed treatment plan, and it involves an active relationship with my therapist. My sessions with my therapist are not the usual kinds of therapy, where I lay on a couch and tell her every thought I've had in the past week. My therapist and I have discussions about how I consciously and subconsciously respond to the pain. I learn proven techniques to think positively as well as the chemistry behind how my brain functions in relation to the pain.)
Every time I stopped myself from thinking about how much my head hurt and instead focused on any positive thing, big or small, I trained my brain that positive is good and negative is bad. You'd think that that would be obvious, right? Clearly it is not obvious to the migraine brain, though, because so often depression, anxiety, and other real problems are developed because of chronic migraines. This is why patience is key, because pain is a very serious thing, no matter what kind of pain it is. Pain can be debilitating in multiple areas of your life, and often times, it is impossible to defeat on your own. It is also impossible to simply stop pain. You cannot throw it away, choose not to feel it, or decide that is is unimportant. Unfortunately, it takes patience to deal with pain, and I have learned that I am not very good at patience. I think this is one of the things that God is going to teach me through this trial. God is teaching me patience. True patience shows faith in God, even though it may seem like a simple "worldly" task. Developing relationships, preparing for exams, even waiting in line requires patience, and therefore faith. Faith that sooner or later, what you're waiting for WILL come. Faith that it is worth your patience. Faith it is God's will. Faith that it is worth it.
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31
Love always,
Sierra
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
So Now What?
Sorry for the long time between my last somewhat disturbing post and this one, but I needed some time to process the results of the doctor appointment. To make a long story short, it has been confirmed that the six day hospital treatment did not work this time. I say this time because seven months ago, it did work, and my doctor said that there's a possibility that if I tried it again sometime in the future, it would work. I am definitely not planning on getting the treatment anytime soon, so that left me wondering what comes next. When I asked my doctor this, I expected another drastic treatment to become part of the discussion, but instead, she prescribed me a new daily medicine. I have tried lots of different kinds of daily medicines, and so far none of them has made a significant difference in my daily pain level. So, when this was the only suggestion, I was and still am a little disappointed. Even though realistically, I know that there is no "cure-all" treatment or medicine, but a small part of me was still hoping for one on the eve of the appointment. Since this disappointment was the only feeling I felt immediately after the appointment, I cried for a good part of the drive home. Remember how I was talking about stages of grief? Well, I felt grief after the appointment, and I have been dealing with it in some mini-stages of my own. The first one, the feeling of intense disappointment, anger, and helplessness, lasted for about two days after the appointment. The first stage of my grief was gone when I woke up on Sunday morning. I woke raring to go, determined to have a good day: I made breakfast with my mom, cleaned my room, went out to lunch with a good friend, and spent some quality time with my family. This burned me out, so I spent the rest of the day relaxing. On Monday, yesterday, I woke lethargic and sore, with not a lot of emotional energy. My "migraine-brain" immediately expected to feel this way for a couple days, and on I went to the next stage of my grieving: the pain of the loss of the future I expected. Luckily, this only lasted for a day. I don't know how or why it only lasted a day, but I am grateful, because the only feeling I had during the next stage was depression. I won't go into the details, and it wasn't extreme depression like you should be concerned for my well-being, but the temporary depression that everybody feels when grieving the loss of something or someone important. So that brings us to today, Tuesday. I had a counseling appointment today, and God prepared me for it. This morning I woke up refreshed. I did not wake up with less pain than yesterday, but with a different mindset. Instead of seeing the future I lost, I saw the reality. I am going to be stuck with this migraine that I have right now for the near to possibly distant future. I woke up ready to strategize, plan out a realistic future for my college time. I am planning on meeting with the student disabilities center and the Dean's Office at UC Davis next week to discuss the details about my accommodations, considering changing my schedule, and actively thinking about other ways to make me successful at Davis. By "successful," I don't necessarily mean "get straight A's," but I want to have the ability to do the best that I can and prevent any hindrances that could possibly stop me from being successful. (If I do get straight A's, that would be awesome though.) Right now, I am in a stage of acceptance and transformation. I am accepting the fact that my pain level might not get better for college. I am changing the mindset I had for college and everything that goes with it. I am communicating as best as I can with my family, friends, and health advisors. I am working to build a good future for myself. However, I am not doing any of this alone. God is with me. God is on my side. God is holding me up. God is guiding me. God loves me.
I mentioned in my last post that I did not feel God with me, and I am ecstatic to say that that feeling did not last. The first time I felt God again was with my friend on Sunday. Since I am not a normal teenager, I cannot be a normal friend to all the friends who are great friends to me, and I often feel guilty about that. I also feel left out when I can't go to a hang out, whether I'm invited or not or a trip to the beach versus to the ice cream shop. My friend Shannon and I had planned to hang out earlier last week, and twice we had to reschedule, ending up having lunch on Sunday together. I felt guilty about rescheduling and not being a good friend, but being with Shannon, that guilt fell away. Shannon has this innate ability to light up my perspective just in a two hour lunch "date." I have been friends with her for practically my whole life, and she and I are very alike. We go to the same church, have similar family situations, and have similar views and beliefs about school, relationships, faith, and life in general. My point about all of this is that God shined His light through Shannon on Sunday. He was able to speak to me through her in a time when I did not even expect it. Now, looking back, I can see that God was pushing me towards spending time with Shannon, and outside forces were resisting. Not only was I reminded in the moment with Shannon that God loves me, but I was reminded that even though I could not feel Him before, He really was with me. I strayed away from his path, but I could never stray away from his presence. I encourage you to try to stop and look at your life and look for moments and situations like mine. Moments when it would be easier to stay in your safe bubble, but you have the opportunity to change it. Don't choose the easy path. Even if you can only try, just try. Make the effort when I didn't. I could have saved myself days of emotional pain had I spent some of my time and energy with Shannon sooner.
Now, I have a message for you all. It took me a while to listen to it, and I probably will have to hear it again, but here is a reminder for you. God is with you. God is on your side. God is holding you up. God is guiding you. God loves you. GOD LOVES US. I could write that 1,000,000,000,000,000 times and still not accurately express just how much God loves us all. I'm going to do my best not to ever forget that, and I hope you can too.
Love always,
Sierra
I mentioned in my last post that I did not feel God with me, and I am ecstatic to say that that feeling did not last. The first time I felt God again was with my friend on Sunday. Since I am not a normal teenager, I cannot be a normal friend to all the friends who are great friends to me, and I often feel guilty about that. I also feel left out when I can't go to a hang out, whether I'm invited or not or a trip to the beach versus to the ice cream shop. My friend Shannon and I had planned to hang out earlier last week, and twice we had to reschedule, ending up having lunch on Sunday together. I felt guilty about rescheduling and not being a good friend, but being with Shannon, that guilt fell away. Shannon has this innate ability to light up my perspective just in a two hour lunch "date." I have been friends with her for practically my whole life, and she and I are very alike. We go to the same church, have similar family situations, and have similar views and beliefs about school, relationships, faith, and life in general. My point about all of this is that God shined His light through Shannon on Sunday. He was able to speak to me through her in a time when I did not even expect it. Now, looking back, I can see that God was pushing me towards spending time with Shannon, and outside forces were resisting. Not only was I reminded in the moment with Shannon that God loves me, but I was reminded that even though I could not feel Him before, He really was with me. I strayed away from his path, but I could never stray away from his presence. I encourage you to try to stop and look at your life and look for moments and situations like mine. Moments when it would be easier to stay in your safe bubble, but you have the opportunity to change it. Don't choose the easy path. Even if you can only try, just try. Make the effort when I didn't. I could have saved myself days of emotional pain had I spent some of my time and energy with Shannon sooner.
Now, I have a message for you all. It took me a while to listen to it, and I probably will have to hear it again, but here is a reminder for you. God is with you. God is on your side. God is holding you up. God is guiding you. God loves you. GOD LOVES US. I could write that 1,000,000,000,000,000 times and still not accurately express just how much God loves us all. I'm going to do my best not to ever forget that, and I hope you can too.
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor demons, nor things present nor the future, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:37-39
Sierra
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