The Future

Sorry for the ominous title but I couldn't help myself... ;) Most of us spend too much time in our lives thinking about the future instead of enjoying the present, and I am no exception. Part of having a headache every day is learning how to manage and balance everything in your life. I have an endless list of things that I want to do. I have plans for my future- near and far. I want to become a doctor, a fun doctor, that kids enjoy seeing. I don't want kids to enjoy seeing me because it will make me feel good, but because it will make their experience in the hospital a bearable one instead of a traumatic one. I want to be "the doctor who prays with you" in the hospital that I end up working in. I want to enjoy my time at college in every way possible, from my roommate to my campus experience. I want to own horses and 20 dogs, all rescued from the shelter. I want to own cats, even though I am allergic to them, that will live outside in the barn eating the mice that appear. I want to be a wife, mother, grandmother, and great grandmother before I die... I could go on forever. These are all daydreams that I escape to when I'm lying in bed at night, waiting to fall asleep. I'm sure each of you has your own daydreams that you escape to, and they are wonderful, am I right?!! I don't know about all of you, but often times when I am daydreaming, I hear a little voice in the back of my head telling me it's not possible. A part of me is tired of reaching for the stars and falling short. When high school ended, I saw brighter days in my near future. So far, I have not had many bright days. The majority of my summer has been spent lying around with an ice pack on my head. Some of you know exactly what that feels like, the feeling of helplessness as you hope and hope for better days that seem to never come. You don't have to have headaches to feel that way. People feel helpless because of multiple reasons: a job they hate but need, an abusive relationship, the loss of a loved one, a disability... Feeling trapped is one of the worst feelings in the world, and sometimes, it cannot be helped. In those situations, we look for someone to blame, even if one cannot be found. We spend time and energy fighting tooth and nail when we should be surrendering. Surrender is seen as failure because of all the war our world has seen. In war, surrender is the last option, even though it could save lives. In war, surrendering IS failing. In life, surrendering is winning, if you do it correctly. I am in no way telling you to surrender to your hardship. Keep on fighting with all of your heart. All that I suggest is fighting with the strongest ally by your side. When you surrender, you reveal your weaknesses. When you surrender to God, He compliments your weaknesses. Where you are weak, He is strong. He will fight with you, for you. When you stumble and fall, He has your back. It is easy to forget just how powerful God is. I know I forget, and even doubt it, but God always reminds me of His power. Right now, I am reminding you. God is your ally, one whose strength is never failing, who will never betray you and always love you, who will protect you and guide you. He is there.
"If you listen carefully to what he says and do all that I say, I will be an enemy to your enemies and will oppose those who oppose you."
Exodus 23:22
Love always,
Sierra

Day Five

Finally!!! I'm almost done. I'm getting my second to last DHE infusion right now and I'm happy that it's almost over but not happy that I'm having this. Today was kind of a sucky day... I started off feeling pretty good! Then I started going downhill in the afternoon. Half an hour into my 2:30 PM infusion, I starting having pretty bad nausea. So, I took some Tums and waited another 20 minutes... Then called and asked for some nausea rescue medicine. Somehow my request was lost in communication, so 45 minutes later I still did not have relief from the nausea. When we called to ask what was taking so long, we realized that it had never been ordered. So I got to wait another hour for medicine. In the meantime, I watched supernatural. Usually watching an interesting movie or tv show distracts me well enough for a good enough period of time. Today I was just overwhelmed with different uncomfortable feelings... But later I realized that I was being proactive beyond just supernatural. I used a technique my counselor taught me, called "cut the cord." This technique helps me when my pain is overwhelming and I can't seem to do anything but think about it, complain about it, and cry about it, all three of which make the pain worse. So, "cut the cord" is the method i use when distraction alone isn't enough. What I do is when a thought comes up that sends me down the sad I have migraines road is I acknowledge the thought, determine whether thinking about it will send me in a good or bad direction, then act accordingly. Cut the cord is the action of acknowledging then moving on. Sometimes life seems like it needs a "cut the cord" moment. The moments that you lose hope, just stop thinking about feeling hopeless. Cause the second you stop thinking about it, hope returns. That is because God is waiting for you to stop fighting your battles on your own. He is hope. He is our hope. Our only hope. God's middle name is hope. Losing hope is easy. Getting it back is the hard part... Trust me, I speak from experience. I also happen to know that the second you ask for His support, God is there. Just keep the faith. 

"When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, He asked him, 'Do you want to get well'"

John 5:6

Love always,

Sierra