My Trial of Honesty

So tomorrow I'm going to see my headache specialist. I don't know if I want to go or not, because I don't know what she is going to say. What I have to say is that so far, the treatment isn't working. It seems to me that I spent six days in the hospital and a month recovering from that for nothing. I had a plan. I actually had lots of plans that I never finished because of these stupid headaches. This summer, I was going to sacrifice going to Disneyland with two of my best friends for six days in the hospital to be able to go to college as a normal person. I was going to have a sucky month of summer but then get better and be able to spend time with the people I care about and probably won't see for a very long time. I was going to actually have fun on a regular basis instead of being miserable, having fun, then being more miserable after having fun, then going back to normal miserable. Instead of all that wonderfulness, I have been stuck at home for most of the summer, watching movies and shows to keep myself distracted from the pain. Instead, I don't remember the last time I had fun without having to hold back because of pain. Instead, I have a short temper, a low level of energy, and disappointment. Usually I post about the sucky stuff that I go through and then put a positive spin on it, but I'm having a hard time making it positive right now. I can't feel God and I can't hear him because of the pain, and I don't even have the energy to try to find Him. I don't usually like showing or telling anybody just how horrible I feel, because I like putting up a brave face, a happy face, like my life is perfect. I don't really know why I do this, but I know that it hasn't helped so far. So, I'm going to try being honest, in the best way I can think of, by sharing with you guys. I would really appreciate your prayers that when I see my doctor tomorrow, she will have a reasonable explanation for all of this crap. I just really need some relief, in any way possible.
I don't have a quote or a verse today, but still sending you love always,
Sierra

Reactions

So I'm the kind of person to see a problem in my life and try to fix it. I usually end up trying so hard to fix it that once it's no longer a problem, I don't enjoy it cause I'm just exhausted. This is what I do and I've accepted that because I can handle it. I can handle it because it's in my control. When it comes down to it, I choose how I react to things. For a long time, I only thought it was possible to choose your physical actions like cleaning your room, talking to a troubled friend, doing your homework, etc. What I have since learned is that you have the ability to control every single reaction that you have, the key word there being "ability." I also have the ability to train for a triathlon or learn to speak German, but I can't even run a mile without crying or say anything other than thank you, which is "danke shun" by the way, (and I probably spelled it wrong.) The one thing I don't have the ability to do is live without migraines. My body physically cannot function without them. I like to blame myself for the troubles in my life, and so I say to myself, "if only you had tried harder..." "You should have stopped this before it got too far..." Blah blah blah. Another thing I've accepted about myself. Because I've accepted this, I don't know how to accept the migraines, that there is literally nothing I could have ever done that would have prevented the pain I have felt, am feeling, and will continue to feel for the rest of my life. I still continue to fight that fact. I don't want to accept that I'm going to have to deal with this shit for the rest of my life. (Excuse my language, I never ever cuss unless the situation is worthy, and I think this situation definitely is worthy of a little swearing.) Even though I am surrounded by wonderful people who love me and will do anything to help me, I often feel alone. Nobody can share this burden with me. My dad is a goofy guy, and to cheer me up when my head is really bad, he comes over to me, puts his hand on my head, and makes a suction noise with his mouth, then he puts his hand on his own head and says "I sucked the pain out of your head and put it in mine." While this doesn't physically work, it usually emotionally works a little bit because it's a reminder that I'm not alone. Here comes another cheesy feel good yet valid line: You are not alone. You are never alone, even though it may feel like you are. Even when you cannot feel Him, God is there. 

Usually, when you can't feel God, it's because you've lost a little bit of your spirit. You've given up, whether momentarily or permanently, so you are more susceptible to negative thoughts. In that negative moment, I'm sorry to say this, but you probably are not going to have the will to make yourself feel better. In those moments, God sends a messenger to comfort you. Today, I'm not going to talk about the rock bottom part of the process of life. Instead, I'm going to talk about the path towards rock bottom and how you can lead yourself back uphill instead of downhill. Too many metaphors for you..? In simple terms, I'm going to introduce you to the process your brain goes through when it reacts to something in your life. To start off, I'll use an example. In the past two to three months, my headache has been completely unpredictable and has not reached a pain level lower than a 6. This week or next week, the medicine from the hospital should be kicking in and starting to make my pain more manageable a little bit at a time. Two days ago, my pain was all over the place for the whole day, ranging from a 6 to a 9. The first time the pain lowered to a 6, I was excited because I hoped it meant the medicine was finally working. When it jumped back up to an 8 not long later, I thought of it as a fluke. As the day went on and the pain kept fluctuating, I stopped getting excited when the pain was less and didn't expect it to last. We'll call this feeling 1. Feeling 1 is the automatic reaction my brain had to the day. That automatic feeling, you can't control, but every reactionary feeling after that, you can. Feeling 1 brought up Feeling 2, which was frustration because the pain wasn't better. When I noticed this feeling, I stopped and said to myself, "now wait a minute. A week ago you didn't even have moments where your pain was a 6. A 6 is a blessing. Be thankful." I have been practicing for a while now, so feeling 2 is the healthy response to feeling 1. 6 months ago, my feeling 2 would have still been frustration, but that frustration would've led to sadness, anger, depression, annoyance, the list goes on and on until I ended up on the couch with an ice pack crying while watching tangled. 

Trying to retrain your brain to be able to stop and think about your emotions is hard work. I've been at it for 6 months and I still kinda suck at it. All that you need to do to start is notice how you react to things. You don't even have to think about the emotions, just look at them, acknowledge them, and see what comes next. Also, you don't have to have an illness or injury to retrain your brain. Everybody's brain could use a little TLC. 

“So that you may live... bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.”

Colossians 1:10-12 NIV

Love always,

Sierra

P.S. If you ever need help with your brain, God is an expert on the brain. I mean, he did create it and all... ;)

Day Three... Sorta

I clearly have gotten a bit behind in posting, but I am going to play the "hospital card" because I was exhausted last night. Being in the hospital is just plain exhausting. Even though I just lay in a bed all day, I am constantly doing something. I feel like I have talked about this before, but I am too tired to remember... which is ironic. But anyways, I am always busy. I wake up, order breakfast, and my nurse comes in to give me my morning medicine. I am usually fed, awake, and alert by 10:00, at which point my mom and I go for a walk around the hospital. We like going just around my floor exploring and watching the hospital robots move all on their own, stand on the glass floor (well I stand on it and my mom stands on the floor below it) and wave to each other, walk around the outside garden, explore another floor, and/or other activities such as these. I walk really slowly because I am tired and a little weak, so we walk for about 15-20 minutes total, not getting far and not doing much. It's nice to spice it up a bit with a new place to walk to, but we only do one at a time. There are activities going on around the Pediatrics department like the media room, art therapy, music therapy, the teen lounge, etc. but not many of them interest me enough for me to spend my energy on. Yesterday, my mom and I had company on our morning walk, because my grandparents came for a while, morning to early afternoon. It was really nice for my mom and I to have some more company. After our walk, we chatted, then I got tired, so we watched Frozen! My grandma had never seen it, so that along with my love for it made it the perfect movie to watch! They also got to stay for lunch and experience the surprisingly yummy hospital food, and then we chatted some more, and they left so I could get a massage. Unfortunately, the massage lady and I had a misunderstanding so she didn't show up when I was expecting her, and while I was waiting, I took a nap. Even though I didn't fully fall asleep, that rest time really helped me get through the rest of the day. I fell asleep as I was waiting for my boyfriend to come, and I slept past the time he got here, but luckily he is sweet and patient and my mom kept him occupied giving him a tour of the floor. I woke up and started pushing the button to raise my bed into a sitting position, and saw him and my mom peek through the window in my door. I guess they had come by a few other times, peeking in when I was asleep... but oh well I needed the nap. So for the rest of the afternoon, I watched movies with him and my mom, went on our usual afternoon walk or two, and had dinner with him. After dinner, we went for a walk just the two of us before he had to leave, and that fifteen minutes was the best part of my week so far. It never ceases to amaze me how just being next to him makes me feel better. Every time I stop and think about that, I thank God for him. I don't know where I would be without him... but I definitely would not be this happy. Somehow, my headaches drew us together, and no matter how life ends up, I am thankful that I have him now.
Now that I have started down this path of thankfulness, I must venture on. Through my headaches, I have met and become close with people who otherwise would never have been as big of a part or even a part of my lives otherwise. This is another way that God makes good out of bad. Like I've said before, I don't think God chooses to give certain people bad things. Satan gives bad to everybody, and God uses His power to only allow the amount of suffering that you can handle. When people hear about my migraines, I often get the response of "wow that all sucks but to have to be dealing with it at 17... that's just worse." I don't really agree with that though, because God has a plan for me. I have big goals. All of the data from all the other girls who have started getting migraines around the same age I did, when they get past the puberty stage into early 20's, the migraines die down and become much more manageable. So, with my big goals in mind, and also thinking of the big picture of my life, now is the best time for me to have a headache every day. God gave me the courage, passion, drive, all the qualities I needed to succeed in high school, because I have succeeded. I am going to my college. The college I want to go to. All because God has blessed me with the personality to make it through this time as well as the support system I need to compliment my personality. I am forever grateful for those who have prayed for me, are praying for me, and will continue praying for me. People I don't even know personally are praying for me, and I find that amazing. The only reason I have so many people praying for me is because of my immediate support system. My church is wonderful, in the members as well as the symbol. MCC (Our church name) = Mission. Christ. Community. All three of which I need, all three of which I have. I have the mission to someday become a doctor and impact peoples lives in the same way my doctors have in mine. I have Christ in my heart, my family, my world. Last and definitely not least, I have community. I have community in my family, who all pray for me, and ask their friends to pray for me as well. I have community in my friends, who have neverending support, love, and patience for me. I even have community in this hospital. God has handpicked each and every nurse that has been here for me, and every single one of them has been fabulous. Yes, I am currently in the hospital with a tube in my arm giving me medicine that makes me feel icky, but it is only temporary. Good things will come. Never forget that. Good things will always come.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Sierra

Day One

Well, I have officially started my treatment! One round of DHE is done and over with, and bearable as well. So far, not too much nausea, nothing I can't handle ;). The PICC line was seamlessly inserted by the same doctor who gave me my picc line last time! (we'll call her Dr. Picc) She remembered me, which I find amazing. Each of her work days is full of many different children, yet she still remembered me, from 6 months ago. She was my first glimpse of God in this hospital. It only took about 15 minutes to get my room assignment and go up to my floor on the elevator, and the first face I see in the halls is Dr. Picc. She saw me and stopped me to say oh hi! I remember you! I put your picc in in January. I'll see you soon!
As I have said in the past, I find the PICC line fascinating. The very first step is cleaning my whole upper left arm with antibacterial fluids and a sterile sponge and putting numbing cream on a small area of my arm. After about half an hour, Dr. Picc came back in to finish the process. The long process was started with her measuring the length from the crook of my elbow to the tip of my shoulder, then from the tip of my shoulder down to just above my sternum on the left side. This length is the length she cut the tube (that goes inside my vein) to be. Then, she looked at the vein with an ultrasound machine to make sure my vein didn't have any problems. I got to see my vein on the ultrasound machine!! It was so cool! Then comes a lot more sterilizing my arm, including using sterile gloves, gowns, towels, coverings, masks, hair nets... Throughout the rest of the process, half of my body was covered in blue sterile cloths, and every single object she used, down to the needle caps, was sterile. There was a hole just big enough to see my arm on the place the picc was going to be inserted. While looking at my vein on the ultrasound, Dr. Picc gave me a shot of lidocaine, all around the vein in my left upper arm. The lidocaine hurt... but not a lot and not for very long. After numbing the area, she poked my arm with a needle, still looking at my vein on the ultrasound. I watched the screen of the ultrasound, and watched as well as felt her poke into my vein with the needle. That also hurt, but just like a small pinch inside my arm. Then, a very thin wire was put into my vein through the needle. The wire is used to guide the tube into my vein, then once the tube is placed correctly, the wire is removed. In order to fit the tube into my arm, she needed to cut my skin a little bit. Before she made the small cut, she put a little more lidocaine in my arm. I honestly did not feel her cut my skin, which means the lidocaine did its job well. After the cut, the tube fit into my arm. Dr. Picc asked me to turn my head to the left and look down. I did this to help her guide the tube down the right pathway of veins. The proper placing of the tube is up through my shoulder then down near my heart. Sometimes, the tube takes a wrong turn and goes up into the neck. This is not a problem until fluids and medicines are introduced, so after the tube was all the way in my arm, Dr. Picc used the ultrasound again to look at the vein in my neck and make sure the tube wasn't up there. Mine wasn't, so she finished the process by putting the IV connections in place and taping everything in place. Just to make sure the tube was in the right spot in my chest, I got a chest X-Ray. Everything was set up and ready, IV fluids included, by 1:00.
Considering we woke up at 5:15 this morning, rode in the car for almost 3 hours, and have been busy in the hospital all day, my mom and I are exhausted. We continue seeing God in people, places, and even the technology that we have come in contact with. So far, my mom and I have met two tech guys, one of whom was from Ireland and the other had a similar accent, that we chatted with. Both of my nurses are smiley, chatty, and very kind. I have seen a few doctors who came around to introduce themselves and ask if I needed anything. I also had my first doctors rounds today. Every day around the same time, this week 3:00 PM, my neurologist enters my room with a trail of ducklings watching her every move. I am at a UC hospital, which means it is a teaching hospital, so there are lots of residents along with the doctors throughout the hospital. A team of about seven people will come by my room every day to see how I am doing. Today was more of a "hello" than anything, since I had only just started DHE when they came. Tomorrow, they will ask me questions about how my nausea, headache, leg cramps, etc. have been doing and what medicines I take to manage them. My neurologist mentioned to the group that I am going to UC Davis and when I told them I am majoring in Human Development, their faces all lit up with excitement for me. That is a very reassuring sign. My neurologist even commented that she hopes someday I will be back in this hospital working with her in Pediatrics.. another moment of God.
Now, I am going to relax, watch Supernatural, and drink my vanilla malt. I will get one more dosage of DHE tonight, at 10:30, then I am planning on going to bed. I really appreciate all of your prayers, support, and love.
“For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,  I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’  Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?  And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’  And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” Matthew 25:35-40
Love always,
Sierra

All to Jesus, I Surrender

As the time between me and the treatment decreases, the more panicked I expect myself to be. I expected myself to be worrying about the side effects, nervous, forgetting things, restless... but I am calm. Somehow, I am at peace with the coming treatment. Today at church, I had a wonderful moment with God. The moment I saw the lyrics on the screen and heard the familiar chords to "Our God Saves" by Paul Baloche, I felt God's hands on my shoulders. "Lord, we come. We're gathered together to lift up Your name. To call on our Savior, to fall on Your grace." Worship is a time to do just that. You and your church family comes together and opens their arms for God's presence.
Feeling God's presence is the most wonderful, powerful feeling in the world. When I think of the power of God's presence, I think of one moment in particular in which I felt God's embrace so strongly that I started crying tears of joy. The summer between my 8th and 9th grade years, I went on a five day trip to a youth conference, "CHIC," with my youth group. It was one of the best weeks of my life. We flew out to Tennessee and I shared a room with my best friend. We heard from lots of amazing speakers and learned a lot about God, ourselves, and faith in the rest of the world. One of the nights, Chris Tomlin was the headlining music performer. This conference was at a Texas university, and about 40,000 people were there in the stadium, every single one of them singing their heart out praising God. On this same night, the speaker gave an opportunity for everybody to ask God into their heart. That night was my favorite night. After the speaker prayed with those who wanted to accept God into their heart, she asked those people to stand so we all could celebrate and congratulate them. This time, when asked to stand, over half of the stadium stood, showing their newfound faith in Jesus Christ. I have heard a lot of these benediction prayers, and every time I pray along, asking God to bless these people and help keep them on His path to righteousness. After this moment, Chris Tomlin came back on stage to sing a song, the perfect song for that night. He sang "White Flag." For those of you who have not heard this song, you need to. That song continues to change my life today. It alludes to battle, when one side surrenders and raises a white flag. Life is a battle. I forget that life is not supposed to be easy. It is supposed to suck at times, because it reminds us that we do not belong here on Earth forever. That night, I raised my white flag to Christ. They also handed out handkerchief-sized white flags to every person who wanted one, and as we sang the song, I saw thousands of white flags raised to Christ Jesus. I tear up just thinking about the power I felt in that moment. Not only was I raising my white flag to surrender to God, but I was surrendering with my friends, people I love, and thousands of other strangers. It continues to remind me that I am not alone even here on Earth, that I am surrendering with my comrades of life.
Today during worship, I surrendered my battle to God. I surrender. I am done fighting myself tooth and nail to push through the pain and keep living my life. I am ready for this week to wipe my slate clean. The first time I was in the hospital, I did not want to share it with anybody besides close friends and family. I was embarrassed. Now, I am confessing it not only to God, but to the world, that I cannot do this alone. Every treatment, every hand that cares for me, is touched by God. Not only does God bless it, but each and every person who prays for me blesses my treatment. I am INCREDIBLY blessed. It feels strange saying this on the eve of a weeklong hospital stay, but it is true. I am blessed. You are blessed. I have learned that blessings only make a difference if you accept them. Do not wait as long as I did before you accept others' blessings on you. Prayer is a powerful and necessary part of your lives, whether you realize it or not. Somewhere, someone is praying for you. You may not even know the person, but you are still blessed by their prayers. I pray for each and every one of you, that you will accept God's blessing.
"Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to."
Deuteronomy 15:10
Love always,
Sierra

Learning to Share

Through all of my interactions with medications, I have learned a lot about how my body responds to medicine.  Typically, doctors give every patient a "grace period," which is different for every person, so when you are first prescribed the medicine, the doctor gives you an average amount of time to wait to see if the medicine helps.  For example, once I got a grace period of 2-4 weeks, other times 1-2 months, even up to 4 or 5 months.  I have since learned that when I am given an average grace period, my body waits until the very last second to use up the power of the medicine.  So, for the shot, I was told to wait up to 2 months for it to take its effect, if it was to have any effect that is. The shot did not help my pain at all... even after I waited 2 months.  So, we moved on to the next phase.
This next phase is a fairly long one so I will only tell part of it tonight.  We went back to UCSF for my follow-up appointment after the shot, planning to "put our foot down" to get some real help fast.  (This particular follow-up appointment was in mid-November.)  This appointment is where we started planning my first planned hospital stay.  That day, we learned about a new treatment, one my old neurologist, Dr. C. didn't even know about.  The nice thing about going to a teaching/research hospital or clinic is the amount of different trials there are. Luckily, I was treated with a medicine that had already been researched and proven to work in most subjects.  That medicine is called "dihydroergotamine," or DHE for short.  I was told that the medicine is given to the patient through a kind of IV line, specifically a PICC line, every 8 hours.  This happens every day for five days, and the patient is admitted into the hospital for the whole course of the treatment.  The medicine is started off given at a rate of one bag per hour and a half, and the rate is decreased if side effects occur.  The possible side effects include stiff, cramped legs (fixed by walking around the hospital), nausea, dizziness, headaches (ironic, right?), muscle pain or weakness...  All in all, the side effects seemed worth the risk.  After deciding to go through with it, the planning began.  Planning the treatment ended up being half the battle... which is one of the reasons why this phase is a long one.
So... hospitals are scary, right??  They are scary in every way possible... there is white everywhere, with bright lights, people in boring uniforms, wearing masks, people dying, being born, treated for cancer, treated for a nosebleed, etc.  When I was little, I never once dreamed about my senior year including a hospital visit.  Not only would I have to endure a trip to the hospital, but I would have to do it while going to high school.  As I have shared already, school was already difficult enough for me, without the added stress of a hospital visit.  Throughout my whole experience with migraines, I stop, look up at God, and ask him why He is doing this to me.  Why won't he lift my burden off my shoulders?  Why won't he take my pain away?  Why won't he at least make it a little bit better?  Well the truth is, he already is doing all of that, every day.  From the first day you accept God into your heart, he shares your burdens.  You are not a lone ox pulling a plow.  You share the yolk with God.  He bears your burdens just as much as you do.  Now I don't know how many of you know how a yolk works, but a yolk only works as long as both oxen are moving at the same pace, working together.  I am very bad about moving at an even pace with God.  I try to move faster, and do it on my own; this then creates an uneven yolk, causing even more pain.  Clearly none of us are perfect, and so we will all have moments where we try to rush ahead or fall behind God's pace.  When you are struggling in any area of your life, stop for a moment and talk to God.  Sometimes, you are just going to struggle with life, and God is right next to you through it.  Other times, you put unnecessary struggles and pain into your life because you leave God's side.  It is amazing how the second you stop to struggle, if you have left God's side, He tells you.  But you need to be proactive enough to stop struggling, and listen for God's voice.  When I say "God's voice," I do not mean that literally you will hear a booming voice telling you to slow down.  God speaks to us in many different ways... whether through others or through your own feelings, He is speaking to you.  So stop and listen to God.  He will share your burden.
"For my yolk is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:30
Love always,
Sierra

Seemingly Lost Potential

So now it’s time to get back to my chronological storytelling of my past. Well after the lumbar puncture I started missing more and more school. It got to point where most mornings I would wake up and begged to stay home from school just because I felt like I was in too much pain to go to school. Luckily my parents were smarter and knew that I was tougher than I thought I was. They could see how strong I was even though I couldn’t see it in myself. I now have been through more than I ever thought was possible, with more to come, and I have still been successful in my endeavors. I am in currently in two AP classes and I am loving them. I started off this year in 3 AP classes but I soon realized that that was not realistic. I started off this year thinking that I would get better easily and quickly and be able to keep up in all three AP classes. I soon fell behind in all of them and I had to choose which ones to keep for second semester. I am a science nerd all the way so it killed me to have to drop AP biology, especially since I want to become a doctor. Soon, I’m going to have to do a whole lot of biology so I would’ve loved to have that base knowledge of biology before I head off to college. Although I had to take biology off the schedule, I still get to enjoy two AP classes and while I am behind in both of them, my teachers are amazing. I have proven to others and myself that while I might not get things done on time, I always get them done. My teachers can see that I truly do love learning, especially in subjects that I love, like calculus. Although English is not my favorite subject, it has been fascinating to understand Shakespearean literature and able to apply it to our lives today. 
My point of all of this jargon about my school schedule and my work ethic is to prove to the people out there who are struggling in some way that it is possible to be successful while being sick. It is definitely not easy. It has been and will be the hardest thing I do in my entire life. I expect more from myself then other people expect from me. I let myself down more than I let other people down, but I have learned where my limits are and how to spend my time wisely. I have five weeks left in high school, and I am going to graduate with more than just barely scraping by as passing. I am going to be proud of what I have accomplished despite all of the outside issues that have directed my life for the past two years. 
I don’t have cancer or another disease that is even more debilitating than mine, but I am still proof that just because your body is sick doesn’t mean all of you is sick. It seems like you have all this potential to unlock that you can’t get to, but you are just skimming the surface of what you can accomplish when you put your mind to it. Do not lose faith in God’s plan. 
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Corinthians‬ ‭4‬:‭16-17
Love always,
Sierra

The Emotional Side of Things

So far I have only talked about the physical grievances that I have gone through recently. I have not mentioned the emotional trauma, besides my uncle’s death, I have been through as well. Living with pain is something everybody does, the only difference is how severe it is. One pain is not worse than the other, except the grief of losing a loved one. Losing someone you love is the worst kind of pain. Physical pain can be cured and treated, but there is no medicine for emotional pain. Sophomore year is when my pain started.
The summer before that school year, my aunt suddenly died at the age of 39. I had never lost anyone close to me until then. I had no idea that I would end up losing another loved one within six months. In a previous entry, I mentioned my uncle’s death from cancer. My aunt died July 26, 2012 and my uncle died December 13, 2012. It was common belief that the world was going to end in 2012. Well, for my family, the world did end. My mom is now an only child, and both my aunt’s and uncle’s sons are left with only one parent. 
I don’t know why God decided that my uncle and aunt could die. But I don’t think that he chose to kill them. I was angry with God for taking them from us. In a similar way, I was angry at God for giving me migraines. But lately I have realized that everything good in the world comes from God, and everything bad comes from satan. God sees the future and makes a plan for our lives, but leaves the execution of the plan to us, which is otherwise known as free will. God saw that my uncle and aunt would die and he brought each of them a son into this world. Every time I see those boys I see the beauty of God’s grace. Both my uncle and aunt had been trying and failing to have kids for a long time, so it was truly a blessing for those boys to be born. 
My advice for others who are angry at God is to first, get your anger out. Yell, scream, cry, or just sit in silence. Feelings are meant to be expressed. The feelings that get pent up inside for too long will eventually explode. Once you have the weight of the anger off your chest, look for the small beautiful things God gives after satan takes. Look for the miracle children, the newfound strength, and most of all, forgive. Since God can forgive us for all of our sins, He deserves our forgiveness. 
“You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl our iniquities into the depths of the sea.” Micah 7:18-19
Love always,
Sierra

The First Prick

So last night I started talking about the tests I did to reach a diagnosis. Well all in all, none of the tests they did on me showed any significant problem. Some were painful, some exhausting, others easy. The first major procedure I had done was a lumbar puncture. For those of you who don’t know, a lumbar puncture is where the fluid in your spinal column is measured and tested. To do this, I got a shot of lidocaine in my lower back to numb it. The ironic thing is that the lidocaine shot hurt like hell. Luckily though it only lasted about thirty seconds then the numbing part kicked in. What happened next was fascinating to me, but may be gruesome to others, so fair warning. The doctor stuck a six inch needle into my back, penetrating in between vertebrae to reach the spinal column. They measured the pressure of the fluid while taking out a good amount of it. You’d think that this process would be bad enough on its own and that there could not possibly be any other source of pain from it. I thought this too, but I was told to rest for a few days, staying as horizontal as possible for as long as was needed. Three days later, I still couldn’t sit up long enough to eat dinner at the dinner table without feeling like my head was about to explode. After corresponding with Dr. C, she told us that I needed to come to the hospital near her. Even though we called ahead, I was stuck laying down on chairs in the waiting room for over 2 hours. I had never been in so much pain. Once I was checked in and seen by the doctors, Dr. C came by to check on me.
I would like to point out that Dr. C willingly left a fundraising dinner early to come visit me in the hospital. Most doctors would wait to see their patients until their official working hours, but not Dr. C. That is how great she is.
Well, turns out all that was needed to fix me was a few liters of fluids through an IV. Dr. C made my overnight hospital experience bearable. She personally made sure I was aware of the treatment plan and what the next step would be should the IV fluids not work.
Looking back on this experience, I am humbled by Dr. C’s earnest compassion. Anyone who has been admitted into a hospital knows how much one person can affect your stay. One person can make it the worst experience of your life. One person can also be the bright spot in a tough time. Look for that one person and appreciate what they do for you. Thank them, and strive to be like them. That is how we can truly honor those who fight for us.
“Do it…with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord.” Colossians 3:22-23
Love always,
Sierra

The Next Phase

So the reason I decided to share my story is because I am a huge Taylor Swift fan. Perhaps I should explain more… For those of you who don’t know, taylor has a wonderful song titled “Ronan.” In it, she tells the story of Ronan, a boy who at three years old was diagnosed with cancer, and fought courageously. I have loved this song since the first time I heard it for multiple reasons, from the inspirational lyrics to the beautiful melody. The icing on the cake is that it is a perfect example of how Taylor uses her God-given gifts to do good in this crazy world. Taylor sends all the proceeds from Ronan’s song to the charity his mother founded in his name, The Ronan Thompson Foundation.
So now, back to its relevance to this blog. I watched an interview of Maya Thompson, Ronan’s mother, in which she said that writing her blog saved her while she was guiding Ronan through his treatments. As I will eventually share, I am in desperate need of a way to release my pent-up thoughts and feelings. So, I thought I would give blogging a try.
I left off my story when I went to the doctor after two weeks of a headache. Long story short, Dr. A did some tests and treated me to the best of her abilities. When she could not cure me, she referred me to a local neurologist, Dr. B, who told me I had stress headaches. She did not take me seriously, so I did not take her seriously. Needless to say, I only saw her once. This brought up a problem though… What comes next? Do I grin and bear it or look for another doctor? These were some of the questions running through my mind. I will ease your minds and tell you that eventually, I do find a good doctor. I will go into more details tomorrow ;P
As I said yesterday, God turns pain into joy. In a similar way, God turns bad into good. I never plan on going back to see Dr. B again, but I do plan on being a better doctor to my patients than she was to me. My current dream is to become a Pediatric Hematologist/Oncologist. In human words, I want to be a child blood cancer doctor. Although I do not have blood cancer, I have a deep connection with it. My Uncle D was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma just before I was born. After the initial diagnosis, he beat cancer twice. He did not beat it a third time. I only knew Uncle D when he was sick. He was diagnosed, fought, and went into remission twice. The third time Uncle D was diagnosed, he got a stem cell transplant. This went beautifully, and once again he started on the path towards remission. Along the way, he and his wife brought a beautiful baby boy into the world. That boy is a miracle. Doctors told Uncle D that it would be next to impossible for him and his wife to have a child because of the cancer treatments. Uncle D is my mom’s brother, and for years my mom felt that she was helpless in her brother’s fight for life. Then one day, she heard about the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s (LLS) organization, Team in Training (TNT). TNT trains people to run or walk half and full marathons. Like myself, my mom is not a runner. However, she’s found that she is a walker. Through TNT, my mom has walked four half marathons and raised over $16,000 for LLS. While there isn’t a cure for cancer yet and Uncle D lost his battle, my mom continues raising money for LLS in his name. This past year, she set a total fundraising goal, a sum of all her years of fundraising, at $16,000. This is a significant number because Uncle D battled cancer for 16 years.
Cancer treatments did not save Uncle D’s life, but they did save his heart. Uncle D is in heaven now, but he left his heart behind in his wife and son. He left us with the biggest piece of him, his son.
I love my family and I would do anything to have been able to save my uncle. Hopefully by becoming a Pediatric Hematologist/Oncologist I can help children beat cancer and save families from having to go through a loss like my family’s.
“In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” Acts 20:35
Love always,
Sierra
P.S. I will not use the real names of other people in this blog for their privacy.

The Beginning

I’ve never been one to share my life story with others. I never thought it could mean anything to anybody but myself.

While I am only seventeen, I have gone through more than some adults. I am also aware that although my life was, is, and will be hard, it could be a lot worse. I don’t live with a constant threat on my life from persecution, disease, drought, famine, etc. I have a wonderful family, a roof over my head, food every morning, noon, and night, someone to love, faith in God. Yet sometimes I don’t stop to cherish what I have and to see the big picture God has planned for me. It is hard to see how pain can ever become good.

Every day, I live with emotional, mental, and physical pain. Since July of 2013, I have lived every day in pain. That summer, my family and I went on a road trip across seventeen states. No doubt about it, that trip was full of fun with friends and family! Unfortunately, the trip did not end on a happy note for me. I started getting headaches the last week of the trip. At first, I assumed I was dehydrated, exhausted, or fighting a cold. After two weeks of nonstop headaches, I went to the doctor. Now, nearly two years later, I still have that headache. After hundreds of doctor appointments, every test possible, and asking God why he won’t take this burden off my shoulders, I am diagnosed with chronic migraines. More specifically, a chronic migraine. I have not had a pain free day since the beginning of that trip.

I am not telling you all my story for sympathy. Quite the opposite, in fact. I would like to give sympathy, empathy, to anybody living with pain. No matter how severe, pain is pain. Pain is tough. But pain is not given to us by God. Satan gives us pain, God turns the pain into joy. For example, I have not experienced the pains of pregnancy or childbirth, (nor do I plan to experience them until after marriage), but growing a human being inside of your body is going to cause you pain. But the nine months of pain is accompanied by joy, then followed by an eternal joy.

We aren’t meant to live easy lives, because then life would be meaningless. If only one person follows me and is reminded how amazing life is, this blog will be a success.

I will do my best to post daily to continue sharing my story to help someone else with their own story, and to help them wrote their happy ending. “With God, all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

Love always, Sierra