My Trial of Honesty

So tomorrow I'm going to see my headache specialist. I don't know if I want to go or not, because I don't know what she is going to say. What I have to say is that so far, the treatment isn't working. It seems to me that I spent six days in the hospital and a month recovering from that for nothing. I had a plan. I actually had lots of plans that I never finished because of these stupid headaches. This summer, I was going to sacrifice going to Disneyland with two of my best friends for six days in the hospital to be able to go to college as a normal person. I was going to have a sucky month of summer but then get better and be able to spend time with the people I care about and probably won't see for a very long time. I was going to actually have fun on a regular basis instead of being miserable, having fun, then being more miserable after having fun, then going back to normal miserable. Instead of all that wonderfulness, I have been stuck at home for most of the summer, watching movies and shows to keep myself distracted from the pain. Instead, I don't remember the last time I had fun without having to hold back because of pain. Instead, I have a short temper, a low level of energy, and disappointment. Usually I post about the sucky stuff that I go through and then put a positive spin on it, but I'm having a hard time making it positive right now. I can't feel God and I can't hear him because of the pain, and I don't even have the energy to try to find Him. I don't usually like showing or telling anybody just how horrible I feel, because I like putting up a brave face, a happy face, like my life is perfect. I don't really know why I do this, but I know that it hasn't helped so far. So, I'm going to try being honest, in the best way I can think of, by sharing with you guys. I would really appreciate your prayers that when I see my doctor tomorrow, she will have a reasonable explanation for all of this crap. I just really need some relief, in any way possible.
I don't have a quote or a verse today, but still sending you love always,
Sierra

Learning to Share

Through all of my interactions with medications, I have learned a lot about how my body responds to medicine.  Typically, doctors give every patient a "grace period," which is different for every person, so when you are first prescribed the medicine, the doctor gives you an average amount of time to wait to see if the medicine helps.  For example, once I got a grace period of 2-4 weeks, other times 1-2 months, even up to 4 or 5 months.  I have since learned that when I am given an average grace period, my body waits until the very last second to use up the power of the medicine.  So, for the shot, I was told to wait up to 2 months for it to take its effect, if it was to have any effect that is. The shot did not help my pain at all... even after I waited 2 months.  So, we moved on to the next phase.
This next phase is a fairly long one so I will only tell part of it tonight.  We went back to UCSF for my follow-up appointment after the shot, planning to "put our foot down" to get some real help fast.  (This particular follow-up appointment was in mid-November.)  This appointment is where we started planning my first planned hospital stay.  That day, we learned about a new treatment, one my old neurologist, Dr. C. didn't even know about.  The nice thing about going to a teaching/research hospital or clinic is the amount of different trials there are. Luckily, I was treated with a medicine that had already been researched and proven to work in most subjects.  That medicine is called "dihydroergotamine," or DHE for short.  I was told that the medicine is given to the patient through a kind of IV line, specifically a PICC line, every 8 hours.  This happens every day for five days, and the patient is admitted into the hospital for the whole course of the treatment.  The medicine is started off given at a rate of one bag per hour and a half, and the rate is decreased if side effects occur.  The possible side effects include stiff, cramped legs (fixed by walking around the hospital), nausea, dizziness, headaches (ironic, right?), muscle pain or weakness...  All in all, the side effects seemed worth the risk.  After deciding to go through with it, the planning began.  Planning the treatment ended up being half the battle... which is one of the reasons why this phase is a long one.
So... hospitals are scary, right??  They are scary in every way possible... there is white everywhere, with bright lights, people in boring uniforms, wearing masks, people dying, being born, treated for cancer, treated for a nosebleed, etc.  When I was little, I never once dreamed about my senior year including a hospital visit.  Not only would I have to endure a trip to the hospital, but I would have to do it while going to high school.  As I have shared already, school was already difficult enough for me, without the added stress of a hospital visit.  Throughout my whole experience with migraines, I stop, look up at God, and ask him why He is doing this to me.  Why won't he lift my burden off my shoulders?  Why won't he take my pain away?  Why won't he at least make it a little bit better?  Well the truth is, he already is doing all of that, every day.  From the first day you accept God into your heart, he shares your burdens.  You are not a lone ox pulling a plow.  You share the yolk with God.  He bears your burdens just as much as you do.  Now I don't know how many of you know how a yolk works, but a yolk only works as long as both oxen are moving at the same pace, working together.  I am very bad about moving at an even pace with God.  I try to move faster, and do it on my own; this then creates an uneven yolk, causing even more pain.  Clearly none of us are perfect, and so we will all have moments where we try to rush ahead or fall behind God's pace.  When you are struggling in any area of your life, stop for a moment and talk to God.  Sometimes, you are just going to struggle with life, and God is right next to you through it.  Other times, you put unnecessary struggles and pain into your life because you leave God's side.  It is amazing how the second you stop to struggle, if you have left God's side, He tells you.  But you need to be proactive enough to stop struggling, and listen for God's voice.  When I say "God's voice," I do not mean that literally you will hear a booming voice telling you to slow down.  God speaks to us in many different ways... whether through others or through your own feelings, He is speaking to you.  So stop and listen to God.  He will share your burden.
"For my yolk is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:30
Love always,
Sierra

Trying To Fix It

After the whole ordeal with the lumbar puncture, we found that the pressure of the fluid in my spinal column was slightly higher than average. The next step was then to treat me with medicines that lower the pressure. We didn't realize until months later that my headaches weren't because of the pressure in my spine. After 4 months of no improvement, I started to feel hopeless. My doctor could tell that I was straining to keep going through the pain every day, so she suggested that I see not only a counselor, but also a psychiatrist. I have tried many counselors since then, and I have finally found the perfect one. The psychiatrist is also wonderful. I thought that the first time I saw her she would just say oh you're depressed let's give you some medicine for it. But she didn't. She listened to my history and got a feel for who I am, and when I was finished, she understood me. I have had moments where I've been depressed, but then again who doesn't?! It's a natural thing. But I am not nor have ever been depressed. Which I am very thankful for. Depression ruins people... I've seen it happen to family and friends. While I am not depressed, I do have anxiety fairly often. Which I think is totally understandable for the situation I'm in. Anxiety can occur in anybody for any reason, and for some it's worse than others. I am glad we caught my anxiety early so I am now taking medicine that stabilizes my mood. I've noticed from school and other stressful activities that when my mood fluctuates, my pain fluctuates with it. It takes time to learn and understand how your body reacts to anything life throws at you. But again, just try to be patient. It will get better, it just might take 2 years or even longer. Something good will come from your suffering, even if you don't see how yet. 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4 NIV)

Love always,

Sierra