Day Three... Sorta

I clearly have gotten a bit behind in posting, but I am going to play the "hospital card" because I was exhausted last night. Being in the hospital is just plain exhausting. Even though I just lay in a bed all day, I am constantly doing something. I feel like I have talked about this before, but I am too tired to remember... which is ironic. But anyways, I am always busy. I wake up, order breakfast, and my nurse comes in to give me my morning medicine. I am usually fed, awake, and alert by 10:00, at which point my mom and I go for a walk around the hospital. We like going just around my floor exploring and watching the hospital robots move all on their own, stand on the glass floor (well I stand on it and my mom stands on the floor below it) and wave to each other, walk around the outside garden, explore another floor, and/or other activities such as these. I walk really slowly because I am tired and a little weak, so we walk for about 15-20 minutes total, not getting far and not doing much. It's nice to spice it up a bit with a new place to walk to, but we only do one at a time. There are activities going on around the Pediatrics department like the media room, art therapy, music therapy, the teen lounge, etc. but not many of them interest me enough for me to spend my energy on. Yesterday, my mom and I had company on our morning walk, because my grandparents came for a while, morning to early afternoon. It was really nice for my mom and I to have some more company. After our walk, we chatted, then I got tired, so we watched Frozen! My grandma had never seen it, so that along with my love for it made it the perfect movie to watch! They also got to stay for lunch and experience the surprisingly yummy hospital food, and then we chatted some more, and they left so I could get a massage. Unfortunately, the massage lady and I had a misunderstanding so she didn't show up when I was expecting her, and while I was waiting, I took a nap. Even though I didn't fully fall asleep, that rest time really helped me get through the rest of the day. I fell asleep as I was waiting for my boyfriend to come, and I slept past the time he got here, but luckily he is sweet and patient and my mom kept him occupied giving him a tour of the floor. I woke up and started pushing the button to raise my bed into a sitting position, and saw him and my mom peek through the window in my door. I guess they had come by a few other times, peeking in when I was asleep... but oh well I needed the nap. So for the rest of the afternoon, I watched movies with him and my mom, went on our usual afternoon walk or two, and had dinner with him. After dinner, we went for a walk just the two of us before he had to leave, and that fifteen minutes was the best part of my week so far. It never ceases to amaze me how just being next to him makes me feel better. Every time I stop and think about that, I thank God for him. I don't know where I would be without him... but I definitely would not be this happy. Somehow, my headaches drew us together, and no matter how life ends up, I am thankful that I have him now.
Now that I have started down this path of thankfulness, I must venture on. Through my headaches, I have met and become close with people who otherwise would never have been as big of a part or even a part of my lives otherwise. This is another way that God makes good out of bad. Like I've said before, I don't think God chooses to give certain people bad things. Satan gives bad to everybody, and God uses His power to only allow the amount of suffering that you can handle. When people hear about my migraines, I often get the response of "wow that all sucks but to have to be dealing with it at 17... that's just worse." I don't really agree with that though, because God has a plan for me. I have big goals. All of the data from all the other girls who have started getting migraines around the same age I did, when they get past the puberty stage into early 20's, the migraines die down and become much more manageable. So, with my big goals in mind, and also thinking of the big picture of my life, now is the best time for me to have a headache every day. God gave me the courage, passion, drive, all the qualities I needed to succeed in high school, because I have succeeded. I am going to my college. The college I want to go to. All because God has blessed me with the personality to make it through this time as well as the support system I need to compliment my personality. I am forever grateful for those who have prayed for me, are praying for me, and will continue praying for me. People I don't even know personally are praying for me, and I find that amazing. The only reason I have so many people praying for me is because of my immediate support system. My church is wonderful, in the members as well as the symbol. MCC (Our church name) = Mission. Christ. Community. All three of which I need, all three of which I have. I have the mission to someday become a doctor and impact peoples lives in the same way my doctors have in mine. I have Christ in my heart, my family, my world. Last and definitely not least, I have community. I have community in my family, who all pray for me, and ask their friends to pray for me as well. I have community in my friends, who have neverending support, love, and patience for me. I even have community in this hospital. God has handpicked each and every nurse that has been here for me, and every single one of them has been fabulous. Yes, I am currently in the hospital with a tube in my arm giving me medicine that makes me feel icky, but it is only temporary. Good things will come. Never forget that. Good things will always come.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Sierra

Learning to Share

Through all of my interactions with medications, I have learned a lot about how my body responds to medicine.  Typically, doctors give every patient a "grace period," which is different for every person, so when you are first prescribed the medicine, the doctor gives you an average amount of time to wait to see if the medicine helps.  For example, once I got a grace period of 2-4 weeks, other times 1-2 months, even up to 4 or 5 months.  I have since learned that when I am given an average grace period, my body waits until the very last second to use up the power of the medicine.  So, for the shot, I was told to wait up to 2 months for it to take its effect, if it was to have any effect that is. The shot did not help my pain at all... even after I waited 2 months.  So, we moved on to the next phase.
This next phase is a fairly long one so I will only tell part of it tonight.  We went back to UCSF for my follow-up appointment after the shot, planning to "put our foot down" to get some real help fast.  (This particular follow-up appointment was in mid-November.)  This appointment is where we started planning my first planned hospital stay.  That day, we learned about a new treatment, one my old neurologist, Dr. C. didn't even know about.  The nice thing about going to a teaching/research hospital or clinic is the amount of different trials there are. Luckily, I was treated with a medicine that had already been researched and proven to work in most subjects.  That medicine is called "dihydroergotamine," or DHE for short.  I was told that the medicine is given to the patient through a kind of IV line, specifically a PICC line, every 8 hours.  This happens every day for five days, and the patient is admitted into the hospital for the whole course of the treatment.  The medicine is started off given at a rate of one bag per hour and a half, and the rate is decreased if side effects occur.  The possible side effects include stiff, cramped legs (fixed by walking around the hospital), nausea, dizziness, headaches (ironic, right?), muscle pain or weakness...  All in all, the side effects seemed worth the risk.  After deciding to go through with it, the planning began.  Planning the treatment ended up being half the battle... which is one of the reasons why this phase is a long one.
So... hospitals are scary, right??  They are scary in every way possible... there is white everywhere, with bright lights, people in boring uniforms, wearing masks, people dying, being born, treated for cancer, treated for a nosebleed, etc.  When I was little, I never once dreamed about my senior year including a hospital visit.  Not only would I have to endure a trip to the hospital, but I would have to do it while going to high school.  As I have shared already, school was already difficult enough for me, without the added stress of a hospital visit.  Throughout my whole experience with migraines, I stop, look up at God, and ask him why He is doing this to me.  Why won't he lift my burden off my shoulders?  Why won't he take my pain away?  Why won't he at least make it a little bit better?  Well the truth is, he already is doing all of that, every day.  From the first day you accept God into your heart, he shares your burdens.  You are not a lone ox pulling a plow.  You share the yolk with God.  He bears your burdens just as much as you do.  Now I don't know how many of you know how a yolk works, but a yolk only works as long as both oxen are moving at the same pace, working together.  I am very bad about moving at an even pace with God.  I try to move faster, and do it on my own; this then creates an uneven yolk, causing even more pain.  Clearly none of us are perfect, and so we will all have moments where we try to rush ahead or fall behind God's pace.  When you are struggling in any area of your life, stop for a moment and talk to God.  Sometimes, you are just going to struggle with life, and God is right next to you through it.  Other times, you put unnecessary struggles and pain into your life because you leave God's side.  It is amazing how the second you stop to struggle, if you have left God's side, He tells you.  But you need to be proactive enough to stop struggling, and listen for God's voice.  When I say "God's voice," I do not mean that literally you will hear a booming voice telling you to slow down.  God speaks to us in many different ways... whether through others or through your own feelings, He is speaking to you.  So stop and listen to God.  He will share your burden.
"For my yolk is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:30
Love always,
Sierra

Seemingly Lost Potential

So now it’s time to get back to my chronological storytelling of my past. Well after the lumbar puncture I started missing more and more school. It got to point where most mornings I would wake up and begged to stay home from school just because I felt like I was in too much pain to go to school. Luckily my parents were smarter and knew that I was tougher than I thought I was. They could see how strong I was even though I couldn’t see it in myself. I now have been through more than I ever thought was possible, with more to come, and I have still been successful in my endeavors. I am in currently in two AP classes and I am loving them. I started off this year in 3 AP classes but I soon realized that that was not realistic. I started off this year thinking that I would get better easily and quickly and be able to keep up in all three AP classes. I soon fell behind in all of them and I had to choose which ones to keep for second semester. I am a science nerd all the way so it killed me to have to drop AP biology, especially since I want to become a doctor. Soon, I’m going to have to do a whole lot of biology so I would’ve loved to have that base knowledge of biology before I head off to college. Although I had to take biology off the schedule, I still get to enjoy two AP classes and while I am behind in both of them, my teachers are amazing. I have proven to others and myself that while I might not get things done on time, I always get them done. My teachers can see that I truly do love learning, especially in subjects that I love, like calculus. Although English is not my favorite subject, it has been fascinating to understand Shakespearean literature and able to apply it to our lives today. 
My point of all of this jargon about my school schedule and my work ethic is to prove to the people out there who are struggling in some way that it is possible to be successful while being sick. It is definitely not easy. It has been and will be the hardest thing I do in my entire life. I expect more from myself then other people expect from me. I let myself down more than I let other people down, but I have learned where my limits are and how to spend my time wisely. I have five weeks left in high school, and I am going to graduate with more than just barely scraping by as passing. I am going to be proud of what I have accomplished despite all of the outside issues that have directed my life for the past two years. 
I don’t have cancer or another disease that is even more debilitating than mine, but I am still proof that just because your body is sick doesn’t mean all of you is sick. It seems like you have all this potential to unlock that you can’t get to, but you are just skimming the surface of what you can accomplish when you put your mind to it. Do not lose faith in God’s plan. 
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Corinthians‬ ‭4‬:‭16-17
Love always,
Sierra