Day Three... Sorta

I clearly have gotten a bit behind in posting, but I am going to play the "hospital card" because I was exhausted last night. Being in the hospital is just plain exhausting. Even though I just lay in a bed all day, I am constantly doing something. I feel like I have talked about this before, but I am too tired to remember... which is ironic. But anyways, I am always busy. I wake up, order breakfast, and my nurse comes in to give me my morning medicine. I am usually fed, awake, and alert by 10:00, at which point my mom and I go for a walk around the hospital. We like going just around my floor exploring and watching the hospital robots move all on their own, stand on the glass floor (well I stand on it and my mom stands on the floor below it) and wave to each other, walk around the outside garden, explore another floor, and/or other activities such as these. I walk really slowly because I am tired and a little weak, so we walk for about 15-20 minutes total, not getting far and not doing much. It's nice to spice it up a bit with a new place to walk to, but we only do one at a time. There are activities going on around the Pediatrics department like the media room, art therapy, music therapy, the teen lounge, etc. but not many of them interest me enough for me to spend my energy on. Yesterday, my mom and I had company on our morning walk, because my grandparents came for a while, morning to early afternoon. It was really nice for my mom and I to have some more company. After our walk, we chatted, then I got tired, so we watched Frozen! My grandma had never seen it, so that along with my love for it made it the perfect movie to watch! They also got to stay for lunch and experience the surprisingly yummy hospital food, and then we chatted some more, and they left so I could get a massage. Unfortunately, the massage lady and I had a misunderstanding so she didn't show up when I was expecting her, and while I was waiting, I took a nap. Even though I didn't fully fall asleep, that rest time really helped me get through the rest of the day. I fell asleep as I was waiting for my boyfriend to come, and I slept past the time he got here, but luckily he is sweet and patient and my mom kept him occupied giving him a tour of the floor. I woke up and started pushing the button to raise my bed into a sitting position, and saw him and my mom peek through the window in my door. I guess they had come by a few other times, peeking in when I was asleep... but oh well I needed the nap. So for the rest of the afternoon, I watched movies with him and my mom, went on our usual afternoon walk or two, and had dinner with him. After dinner, we went for a walk just the two of us before he had to leave, and that fifteen minutes was the best part of my week so far. It never ceases to amaze me how just being next to him makes me feel better. Every time I stop and think about that, I thank God for him. I don't know where I would be without him... but I definitely would not be this happy. Somehow, my headaches drew us together, and no matter how life ends up, I am thankful that I have him now.
Now that I have started down this path of thankfulness, I must venture on. Through my headaches, I have met and become close with people who otherwise would never have been as big of a part or even a part of my lives otherwise. This is another way that God makes good out of bad. Like I've said before, I don't think God chooses to give certain people bad things. Satan gives bad to everybody, and God uses His power to only allow the amount of suffering that you can handle. When people hear about my migraines, I often get the response of "wow that all sucks but to have to be dealing with it at 17... that's just worse." I don't really agree with that though, because God has a plan for me. I have big goals. All of the data from all the other girls who have started getting migraines around the same age I did, when they get past the puberty stage into early 20's, the migraines die down and become much more manageable. So, with my big goals in mind, and also thinking of the big picture of my life, now is the best time for me to have a headache every day. God gave me the courage, passion, drive, all the qualities I needed to succeed in high school, because I have succeeded. I am going to my college. The college I want to go to. All because God has blessed me with the personality to make it through this time as well as the support system I need to compliment my personality. I am forever grateful for those who have prayed for me, are praying for me, and will continue praying for me. People I don't even know personally are praying for me, and I find that amazing. The only reason I have so many people praying for me is because of my immediate support system. My church is wonderful, in the members as well as the symbol. MCC (Our church name) = Mission. Christ. Community. All three of which I need, all three of which I have. I have the mission to someday become a doctor and impact peoples lives in the same way my doctors have in mine. I have Christ in my heart, my family, my world. Last and definitely not least, I have community. I have community in my family, who all pray for me, and ask their friends to pray for me as well. I have community in my friends, who have neverending support, love, and patience for me. I even have community in this hospital. God has handpicked each and every nurse that has been here for me, and every single one of them has been fabulous. Yes, I am currently in the hospital with a tube in my arm giving me medicine that makes me feel icky, but it is only temporary. Good things will come. Never forget that. Good things will always come.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Sierra

Relax.

So I have been wanting to start a blog and keep up with it for a long time now... But I had no extra time or energy for the past few months. I'm sorry to say it, but that's just how it was. I can't change it now, but I can change my "plan of action" for this blog. For instance, today I would like to talk about the present. 

I spend a lot of time wishing things could have gone differently. I wish I had hung out with my friends more this past year. I wish I had gone to every marching band practice in the fall. I wish I had stayed in AP biology, cause I truly enjoyed that class. I wish I hadn't missed a total of 35 days of school just this past semester... etc etc. All of these things I am disappointed with happened because I have migraines. And that is something I cannot change. Constantly wishing things had gone differently will change nothing. So why do I do it? Because I'm human. I can't be hyper rational like Bones (the TV character) is. Even a genius like herself has moments where she has irrational emotions. It's just part of being human. The fact that I have migraines is just a reminder that I am human. 

Everybody has their own reminders that make them feel incomplete or insufficient. Mine just happens to be a physical omnipotent one. But just because I feel physical pain as a reminder doesn't make mine any bigger than someone else's. We all have moments when we feel we have failed. Some moments last minutes, seconds, and some last days, months, years... And not one is more important than another. We all struggle with life. It's easy to forget that I'm not alone in the struggle of life. Not many people understand exactly what I am going through, but they are truly empathetic to the feelings it creates. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is no matter what your struggle is, you are not alone. If you are physically alone as in the only person in a room, you still are not completely alone. God is always there with you, just waiting there with his shoulder open for you. He is waiting for you to relinquish your self control to cry on his shoulder. Have you ever noticed how crying by yourself isn't quite as healing as crying with someone you love? The same thing happens when you cry with God. It's easy to forget this because we are so involved in our own lives that we don't stop to look up and see God there waiting for us. Try taking a moment right now. Just feel God's presence with you, and then completely relax your body, head to toe. Relax yourself into God's embrace.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Love always,

Sierra