Christaholics Anonymous

So tonight I've just got a short post, but I had this thought and just couldn't NOT share it with you! Tonight at my weekly freshman girls small group, we started sharing our testimonies with the group, and so I found myself in the bathroom afterwards washing my face and brushing my teeth, thinking about my own testimony. I thought about how we shared intimate details with each other, immediately trusting one another to take it seriously and without judgment, also not repeating any unnecessary details with anyone outside of the group. Thinking about it this way, it reminded me of the structure of addiction support group meetings, and what addiction means. The merriam-webster.com definition of "addict" is this: "to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively." The majority of addictions mentioned nowadays are harmful to the well being of the addict, but I think that theoretically, it is possible to have a healthy addiction. Realistically, the only healthy addiction I can think of is an addiction to Christ. An addiction becomes something that you can't control, a passion that directs your life, and my passion for Christ has become uncontrollable since this past weekend. I am on a high right now, a "God high" of sorts. Going on a retreat with a group of devoted Christians does that to you. It changes you completely, and shapes you for the better. As long as your heart is in it and you are ready to accept God's direction, you will leave with a renewed passion for seeking Christ. An addiction to Christ is the only addiction that provides healing instead of causing pain. While away on the retreat, I also reconsidered the meaning of healing, and came up with my own way of defining it. Healing doesn't mean you return to the exact shape you were before, but instead you adapt and learn to live with the scars and recognize that they are closed wounds. Scars don't continue causing you pain, they are just a visual, physical reminder of that pain and how you have overcome it. With an addiction to Christ, a support group is just as necessary as any other addiction, but the parameters of the group will be a little different. A Christ support group encourages you in your addiction and walks with you as it grows stronger and starts to control your life. The healthiest relationship with God is one that is all-encompassing and resilient. That is the type of relationship we should be striving for. I highly encourage you to take every opportunity you have to go on a retreat of any sort with your support group, whether it's going out to ice cream or spending the weekend in the mountains. 
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith-of greater worth than gold-may result in praise,, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy."
1 Peter 1:6-9
Love always,
Sierra

Is this real life?

There's a little inside joke minor humor for you there with this title... Anyone remember the funny video roaming around the internet a few years back with the little boy who was loopy from getting his tooth pulled out and he asked, "Is this real life?" Even though I'm not loopy on laughing gas, I've found myself asking this question fairly often in this transition from high school to college life. This weekend, I had this thought multiple times, but in an amazing, uplifting sort of way. When I think about the past few years of my life, I can't remember a time when I was happy for more than about a week at a time. I've been at UC Davis for a month now, and I can honestly say that I have been happy for almost the whole time. Of course I'm not happy 24/7, that's unrealistic, but aside from a few bad days here and there, my heart has been filled with joy and satisfaction. I know why I'm so happy, too: I finally learned how to let go and let God. I honestly have no idea what in particular I've done differently for this past month, but I do know that whatever I'm doing, it's good. I've been able to step aside and let God lead my life for a change, and it has been wonderful.
I have this really bad habit of trying to do everything on my own, and on top of that, I'm extremely stubborn about it. For example, this weekend I went on a retreat with my college church group! We went to the Tahoe area and stayed in a church member's cabin! Well I guess technically it was a cabin, but "cabin" makes it sound small. This place was not small. We fit 60 college students in it for an entire weekend. Yes. 60. Anyways, on Saturday, we went for a hike. It was an optional hike, but the majority of the group ended up going. At first, I didn't think that I was going to go along, but I felt a little nudge from God to go. I gave in, and found myself on a beautiful hike. For some of us, the hike was a fairly easy few miles on a switchback trail up the mountain. For others, it was trekking through the woods, climbing up the rocks, and "parcore-ing" it up the mountain ("parcore" is jumping on rocks and doing crazy life-threatening stuff like that just for the heck of it). I was part of the group that went on the trail, of course, but that trail was not easy at all for me. It was actually the most difficult thing I've done since before I went to the hospital. As I was on the hike, I had multiple opportunities to turn around and only go part of the way, at which points I stopped and actually considered the possibility. This, I think, is the difference between the me now and the me a few months ago. Realistically, I knew I was not going to turn back early. I knew I was going to finish that hike no matter what. However, I used to just go with my gut and not listen to God's input. This got me in quite a few rough patches over time... Typically, after a huge adventure such as the hike, I come home and crash for a few days. Literally crash, like my headache spikes to a constant 9 out of 10, my body is weak and lightheaded, and I am completely exhausted for at least 2 days. This time feels different, though. I'm still exhausted, a little weak, and with a little worse headache than I had before, but it doesn't feel like a crash. I think this is because when I had the opportunity to turn back on the hike, I paused and asked God for his advice. God told me that if I continued, I would be sore, but it would be worth it. He also told me that if I turned back, I would enjoy the quiet time and meet some new people in Catalyst. (Sidenote: When I talk about God "telling me" something or "speaking to me," I don't mean that I hear a loud booming voice saying my name and speaking to me. It's hard to describe, but basically, when God speaks to me, I get a feeling. A thought pops into my head, and I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me what the thought means. God speaks to everyone in different ways, and often times it is really hard to interpret what He is saying to us. Don't worry if you haven't heard God's voice yet. You actually have heard his voice before, but you just haven't noticed it before, which is completely okay. I didn't learn how to understand God's words until very recently, so don't panic! It will come in time.) Now, back to my story! So, given these choices, I decided to be stubborn and push through the pain, exhaustion, and dizziness for the sense of accomplishment I would feel at the end. I also stuck with the hike because I absolutely LOVE being in nature. It is my favorite visual reminder of God's artistry!
I guess my point of all this is that because I followed God's lead this weekend, He rewarded me by helping me recover more easily from the adventure. God works in mysterious ways like this. He gives us free will, for reasons I will never understand, but He still has a plan for us. He still knows our desires and values them, so He respects them, and gives you opportunities to expand your horizons and deepen your relationship with Him. Along with less pain, He also rewarded me with an AMAZING weekend. There is so much I want to share with you all, but if I were to share all of it I would be typing for days... So I'll share my favorite moments. For those of you who have been on a church retreat before, you know how aware you are of God's presence the entire time. For those of you who haven't, I'll happily explain it to you. Imagine a room filled with people that you have gotten to know and love, discovering some of their quirks, strengths, weaknesses, and laughing with them along the way. Now imagine every single one of them singing their hearts out praising God. When this happens, the Holy Spirit emanates from each person's soul and fills the spaces of the entire room. It felt to me like we were standing in a sea of love- God's love, my love, their love, our love. In those moments, all I can do is smile, lift my hands, and praise God. I could have worshiped with those people all day and been completely content.
I'd like to end today's post with a blessing that we ended our retreat with: Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him, all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.
Love always,
Sierra

Surrealism

I'm having yet another surreal moment right now. I'm sitting in Starbucks on campus listening to music and organizing my schedule, when I realize that I am the college student. I am here, living on my own, going to college at my dream school, and I can't help but feel blessed despite the hardships. There was a time that I doubted that I would be able to go to college, let alone move away from home, yet here I am! Ooh that just reminded me of a song from one of my favorite movies!! Spirit, Stallion of the Cimarron. I love that movie because it is all about horses and their personalities and warm hearts for humans, but also because of the music. The music just happens to be co-written by Bryan Adams and Hans Zimmer, so you know, no big deal... just a fairly successful 80's rockstar and the composer of movies such as the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. Of course, when I was little I had no idea who these people were, I just liked the music, but it's cool to make that connection now. Anyways... The song "Here I Am" in Spirit has lyrics of: "Here I am, this is me. There's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be. It's a new world, it's a new start, it's a life with the beating of a young heart, it's a new place, it's a new land, and it's waiting for me. Here I am. Here we are, we've just begun and after all this time my time has come. Here we are, still going strong. Right here in the place where we belong." I love it when normal songs like this make me think of God. This song was written to be about a horse becoming the leader of a herd, and the responsibilities that come with being the leader, yet 18 year old me hears God's voice in it. It's always exciting to see the different ways God speaks to us, whether it's a song that's stuck in your head or a person or situation in your life. Once you start looking, you see God everywhere. You see him in both the beauty and pain, which is a double edged sword.
It's hard to think about God in relation to pain. Me with my math brain, I think of it like an equation relating God and pain, like they are opposites to one another: God/pain (God divided by pain). I've come up with a new relationship now, though: God=Pain. I don't mean God is the same thing as pain, I mean God is proportional to pain. If you have more pain in your life, God reaches out even further to you. He does not do this because the ones with pain are His favorites, but because He gives everybody equal opportunity to follow Him. He understands that those of us with pain have less to give, and He's okay with that. Many of us, including myself, investigate this and wonder, if God can support us when we have more pain, why does He not also take some of our pain away? I don't have a definitive answer for this one, guys. It's an age-old question that I don't think will ever be answered on Earth, however I can share with you my opinion of the matter. If we lived in a perfect world, everybody would be praising God of their own free will, but a perfect world does not and will never exist. The only time that there ever has existed a perfect world was with the Garden of Eden, but that world was corrupted by the same thing that corrupts our world: sin. I see sin and Satan as synonymous because Satan encourages sin, just as I see God and love as synonymous because God encourages love. I believe that God has a plan for each and every one of our lives, and we may choose to follow it or not, but either way, His plan will be corrupted by sin. Fortunately, God accounts for this and makes it possible for us to survive and thrive. Satan makes life difficult, but God makes life possible. Because we have free will, God's plan does not always shine through every single person's life, and because we are human, most of the time we will not see God's plan. We might only see the suffering left in its wake, and when that is the case, it is time for us to take comfort in God's embrace. You could try to understand every aspect of the plan, but then you would waste your whole life looking for something that, simply by having faith, in the end you will find: Heaven.
"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere."
James 3:17
Love always,
Sierra

God is Great, Dorms Are Good, and People Are Crazy

Anyone get the reference? The title of this blog is inspired by a country song, the lyrics of which are "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy." For some reason, this song has been playing over and over in my head today. Don't worry, the main parts I agree with are that God is great and people are crazy ;P
For most of my life, I've been told that college tends to be the best years of your life, so I've been expecting amazingness for 18 years now. Surprisingly, my expectations are being succeeded! I can already feel myself growing in ways I never could even begin to imagine, and it is all thanks to God. God hand picked each and every person that is in my life. That's crazy to think about, isn't it? And it's true for every single person on earth! God has created the most intricate, beautiful, perfect puzzle ever! Unfortunately, a bad dog has come and chewed up some of the puzzle pieces. This is an example of my personal belief that God does not give us something unless good will come from it. One thing I forgot to mention in my last post is that sometimes, there are situations that are just plain terrible, and nothing good will come from them. I believe that God doesn't create those situations, only Satan does. Satan is the bad dog that tries to ruin the puzzle just because the pieces taste good. Since God gives us free will, He cannot just replace the disfigured pieces. Instead, He offers to reshape the pieces and make the puzzle whole once again. This brings us to the end of my puzzle analogy since puzzle pieces don't have choices of their own, but we do. We have the choice to follow God. That is my favorite part about Christianity, that it is a choice. On Earth, people can be forced into "faith," but they don't have true faith, and God can see that. God can also see those who don't have what we humans consider as "faith." The human meaning of faith is not the true meaning of faith. Someone might not practice religion or even express their opinions on it during their lifetime, but in their hearts, they accepted God. I believe that God sees these people's hearts and offers heaven to them. This is why God is great. Because He does not SEE you, He KNOWS you.

In the dorms, when you are living with people you barely know, you actually get to know them fairly quickly. For the most part, you can figure out who's who and who you might want to be a part of your life. These first impressions are from what we see, and while I consider myself a good judge of character, (sorry for the moment of cockiness) I have been wrong about people more times than I care to admit. God is never wrong, though. He doesn't make mistakes. I can't even fathom that perfection! People are so imperfect that even our idea of perfection isn't perfect! (Wow that's a confusing sentence.) Get ready for more confusion! While people are imperfect, we are also perfect, because we are God's creation, and He never makes mistakes. Now to the point of the confusing perfection talk: accept that you're perfect just the way you are, and you will be accepting faith in God. It's that simple. You don't need to understand what you believe in. Heck, I have no clue what exactly I believe in! There are so many parts about faith that I doubt, but I choose to put those doubts aside and take it in faith. Faith is believing in something in spite of every fact pointing the opposite direction, every person being against you, and you not believing in yourself. Set all these things aside, accept that you're perfect, and accept God. I can promise you that you will never regret it. 

"For we live by faith, not by sight... For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, so that each of us might receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."

2 Corinthians 5:7,10

Love always,

Sierra

A God-Filled Life

So you know how you have those moments where all of a sudden, you're completely aware of God's presence? You feel him in the people next to you, in the music, and He even fills in the nooks and crannies! In that moment, you hear God's voice in your head telling you, "This is where you are meant to be. This moment. These people. These experiences. You are my perfect child, following my perfect plan." Your heart beams with happiness and love, and you breathe in the Holy Spirit. Since I have arrived at UC Davis, God has blessed me with these moments of awakening every single day, and that is how I know that I am where I am meant to be. The exhaustion, pain, stress, and worry are all worth it, because for the first time in years, happiness is overflowing in my life. I'm not saying that I have been unhappy for the past three years, but I did not see my life as the blessing it truly is. When pain is a daily part of your life, it takes a lot of effort to look past it and see the good things. I have found that when I am busy doing things I choose to do, I am happy, whether I am choosing to do church, school, hang outs with friends, etc. If I am choosing to spend my energy on it, I am determined to enjoy it. Part of the struggle of high school was that it was forced on me. I had no choice but to spend six hours of my day at school (on the days I could make it to school at least). Since I am stubborn and always find little ways to do everything my own way, I "rebelled" against the forced six hours of school by choosing to do AP classes. Looking back, I see that my main motivation for AP classes was God. He told me to push myself because He knew I could succeed, and now I have. Okay so I'm about to say something really cheesy that I hated hearing, but now I see that it is true. Ready? Here goes: there is a point to your suffering. Good will come of it. It SUCKS to suffer, but you truly will become a better person because of it. I feel like I can tell you this now because I'm not done with my suffering, so I'm in the same boat you are. The only difference is that I have arrived at the point in my life where I am starting to see the good things that can and will come from my headaches. College really does change you. For the first time ever, I am in charge of my own life, and there are lots of things that I could do with that. I expected myself to take charge the second I got the chance, but I felt myself holding back. I was in a holding pattern until I found my new community. Coming to Davis, I knew I wanted to start off early with a church group. I planned on trying a different youth group every night of the first week, but then all of a sudden it was Friday and I hadn't been to one. So, I told myself that I was going to go to church on Sunday, whatever church I could get to. The thing was that I needed a ride to church, so I literally typed "UC Davis rides to church" into Google, and once I vetted the website, emailed them for a ride. It worked out perfectly, and I knew the second I sat in the car that I was where I was meant to be. I saw God in the people, felt the Holy Spirit in the church, and felt the love and open arms of the congregation. Every single time I have been with the people of the youth group, I have felt God with us. I have felt God more in the past three weeks alone than I have in the past three months. This is why I can give you cheesy advice, because God has proven it to be true. God has proven to me that my pain will continue bringing good into my life. I can tell you firsthand that God will prove it to you as well. Your pain will bring good. The pain will still be pain, and it will still suck, but God will also still be with you every step of the way. All He needs you to do is accept His help. Literally, he is just waiting for you to accept him. That is ALL you need to do. He will do the rest. And I can promise you that it will be worth it.
"If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."
Romans 10:9
Love always,
Sierra

Please Set Goals

Well, contrary to my own belief as well as popular belief, it is possible to get yourself out of a rut. For most of the summer actually, I have been biding my time waiting for better opportunities to come along, from a lower pain level to going away to college. Unfortunately, biding my time was not as enjoyable as I expected it to be, so after a few months of it, my body as well as my mind was stuck in a rut routine of doing nothing. Thankfully though, God is on my side, so I am slowly building up my strength to be ready to go to UC Davis in a few weeks! 15 days until move in day, to be exact. It's amazing how some sort of goal can really change your perspective on the present. My goal is to be ready physically, mentally, and emotionally to go to Davis. Davis has been my goal for the past two years, and now that I am finally merely days from achieving it, I am acquiring some new goals. Even though it sounds kind of crazy to be making new goals before achieving my current ones, it keeps me on top of my game. I'm sure not all people are like me, but everybody has that one thing that makes them tick, keeps them motivated even in the slowest, most boring times of their lives. Hopefully, this past summer will have been my slowest, most boring time of my life because that means that I am at least going to enjoy my next few months! However, even if you aren't as keen on setting goals for yourself, it is still a smart thing to do. Having set goals, if they are positively realistic, will give you motivation for the important things in life. I'm not saying that you need to sit down with a pen and legal pad and write down your goals for life, love, happiness, houses, etc., or even make any kind of record of your goals, but I am merely suggesting that you record your goal in your mind. Right about now, I'm sure some of you are wondering why you should take life advice from an eighteen year old girl with migraines, and frankly, I'm wondering that myself. Logically, I don't know why God wants me to keep this blog, because I have not even lived through half of my lifespan, yet I am giving others tips on how to live a long happy life. I do know, however, that if I followed every single one of my logical thoughts, I would not still be seeing my doctor, and I most definitely would not have a relationship with God. There is a time in your life for logic, a time for faith, and a time to combine them. When you set goals for yourself, the goal needs to be thought of through a logical method of thinking, but you also need to have faith that God will give you grace to make some mistakes along the way. One of the mistakes I often make with goals is that I expect myself to accomplish them quickly and easily, no matter how unattainable they may seem. I expect a lot from myself, more than I am capable of, so the person I disappoint most in my life is myself. Again, thinking logically, I should just have lower expectations of myself right? Yeah, no... it's just not that easy for me. The thing is, everybody is unique. None of you is going to completely relate to every single thing I post on this blog, but hopefully all of you will be able to relate to at least a single thing on this blog, and I guess that is the reason why I write to you. God works in mysterious ways. Have faith and trust that God will guide you in every step of the way when setting goals for yourself. Most importantly, set your goals for God's timeline, not your own. If you try to rush or drag on your life, you could miss the best parts of it. God's timeline is perfection, even though we cannot see the whole thing.
"Then the Lord said to me, 'Write my answer plainly on tablets, so that a runner can carry the correct message to others. This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.'"
Habakkuk 2:2-3
Love always,
Sierra

So Now What?

Sorry for the long time between my last somewhat disturbing post and this one, but I needed some time to process the results of the doctor appointment. To make a long story short, it has been confirmed that the six day hospital treatment did not work this time. I say this time because seven months ago, it did work, and my doctor said that there's a possibility that if I tried it again sometime in the future, it would work. I am definitely not planning on getting the treatment anytime soon, so that left me wondering what comes next. When I asked my doctor this, I expected another drastic treatment to become part of the discussion, but instead, she prescribed me a new daily medicine. I have tried lots of different kinds of daily medicines, and so far none of them has made a significant difference in my daily pain level. So, when this was the only suggestion, I was and still am a little disappointed. Even though realistically, I know that there is no "cure-all" treatment or medicine, but a small part of me was still hoping for one on the eve of the appointment. Since this disappointment was the only feeling I felt immediately after the appointment, I cried for a good part of the drive home. Remember how I was talking about stages of grief? Well, I felt grief after the appointment, and I have been dealing with it in some mini-stages of my own. The first one, the feeling of intense disappointment, anger, and helplessness, lasted for about two days after the appointment. The first stage of my grief was gone when I woke up on Sunday morning. I woke raring to go, determined to have a good day: I made breakfast with my mom, cleaned my room, went out to lunch with a good friend, and spent some quality time with my family. This burned me out, so I spent the rest of the day relaxing. On Monday, yesterday, I woke lethargic and sore, with not a lot of emotional energy. My "migraine-brain" immediately expected to feel this way for a couple days, and on I went to the next stage of my grieving: the pain of the loss of the future I expected. Luckily, this only lasted for a day. I don't know how or why it only lasted a day, but I am grateful, because the only feeling I had during the next stage was depression. I won't go into the details, and it wasn't extreme depression like you should be concerned for my well-being, but the temporary depression that everybody feels when grieving the loss of something or someone important. So that brings us to today, Tuesday. I had a counseling appointment today, and God prepared me for it. This morning I woke up refreshed. I did not wake up with less pain than yesterday, but with a different mindset. Instead of seeing the future I lost, I saw the reality. I am going to be stuck with this migraine that I have right now for the near to possibly distant future. I woke up ready to strategize, plan out a realistic future for my college time. I am planning on meeting with the student disabilities center and the Dean's Office at UC Davis next week to discuss the details about my accommodations, considering changing my schedule, and actively thinking about other ways to make me successful at Davis. By "successful," I don't necessarily mean "get straight A's," but I want to have the ability to do the best that I can and prevent any hindrances that could possibly stop me from being successful. (If I do get straight A's, that would be awesome though.) Right now, I am in a stage of acceptance and transformation. I am accepting the fact that my pain level might not get better for college. I am changing the mindset I had for college and everything that goes with it. I am communicating as best as I can with my family, friends, and health advisors. I am working to build a good future for myself. However, I am not doing any of this alone. God is with me. God is on my side. God is holding me up. God is guiding me. God loves me.
I mentioned in my last post that I did not feel God with me, and I am ecstatic to say that that feeling did not last. The first time I felt God again was with my friend on Sunday. Since I am not a normal teenager, I cannot be a normal friend to all the friends who are great friends to me, and I often feel guilty about that. I also feel left out when I can't go to a hang out, whether I'm invited or not or a trip to the beach versus to the ice cream shop. My friend Shannon and I had planned to hang out earlier last week, and twice we had to reschedule, ending up having lunch on Sunday together. I felt guilty about rescheduling and not being a good friend, but being with Shannon, that guilt fell away. Shannon has this innate ability to light up my perspective just in a two hour lunch "date." I have been friends with her for practically my whole life, and she and I are very alike. We go to the same church, have similar family situations, and have similar views and beliefs about school, relationships, faith, and life in general. My point about all of this is that God shined His light through Shannon on Sunday. He was able to speak to me through her in a time when I did not even expect it. Now, looking back, I can see that God was pushing me towards spending time with Shannon, and outside forces were resisting. Not only was I reminded in the moment with Shannon that God loves me, but I was reminded that even though I could not feel Him before, He really was with me. I strayed away from his path, but I could never stray away from his presence. I encourage you to try to stop and look at your life and look for moments and situations like mine. Moments when it would be easier to stay in your safe bubble, but you have the opportunity to change it. Don't choose the easy path. Even if you can only try, just try. Make the effort when I didn't. I could have saved myself days of emotional pain had I spent some of my time and energy with Shannon sooner.
Now, I have a message for you all. It took me a while to listen to it, and I probably will have to hear it again, but here is a reminder for you. God is with you. God is on your side. God is holding you up. God is guiding you. God loves you. GOD LOVES US. I could write that 1,000,000,000,000,000 times and still not accurately express just how much God loves us all. I'm going to do my best not to ever forget that, and I hope you can too.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor demons, nor things present nor the future, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:37-39

Love always,
Sierra