It has been too long since I posted, but I have had a crappy couple of days... I forgot that the week after being in the hospital is almost worse than actually being in the hospital. While I was in the hospital, I was expected to be in bed for most of the time, so I was more comfortable with just sitting and doing nothing while others were working around me. Since I've been home, I have not had much energy at all, but the rest of my family is still busy with work, chores, and life. While they have been cleaning, roofing (yes roofing, we are remodeling the patio), and hanging out with friends, I have been sitting doing nothing. It is nice to get out of doing the work, but at the same time, I feel guilty that I haven't been able to help. Last night was a low point emotionally for me, because I missed out on something other than cleaning. At 9:15 last night, my sister and her friend spontaneously decided to have a sleepover, so at 9:30, her friend was suddenly at my house. I LOVE spontaneous sleepovers! Usually when one of my sisters and I has friends over for a sleepover, we all get to hang out and stay up late together. Last night, I didn't get to hang out with them. When her friend came over, I was in bed... When I think about it, I am not actually all that disappointed that I didn't get to stay up late with our friend. I am actually disappointed because this is the summer of my freedom. My sisters have to start school in a few weeks, and I have two whole months left! Summer! Summer is staying up late watching chick flicks with your best friends, having pool parties and cupcake baking days, going on dates with your boyfriend, and having as much fun as possible. My summer is different than that though, and I hate that. I hate that I was in the hospital last week instead of hanging out with my friends. I hate that I am probably going to have to miss my best friend's birthday party this weekend because I will be exhausted. I hate that I have to go to bed early because I don't want to be awake and in pain anymore. Sometimes, I even feel like I hate God. After I am done saying everything that I hate about my life right now, (which I do too often), I tell myself to stop complaining because "it could be worse." I could have been in the hospital getting a cancer treatment instead of a migraine treatment. I could have had a seizure and almost died. I could have had this or that or this or... Yes. My life could be worse. I have realized that thinking "it could be worse" does not make me feel better at all, because I can't imagine being in a worse situation than the one I'm in right now. That is not because my situation is hell, but because I'm human. It is hard to accept the fact that sometimes, you just have to bear the pain. I do not get angry with God for the pain, but for my inability to affect the pain. I get angry that I am forced to accept the fact that I am in daily pain. In those times, it is hard for me to turn to God on my own, so God sends me a reminder. Sometimes it feels like I have a "Reminder" app on my phone that God controls, because when I have lost my way, someone finds me and leads me to God. The other day, my head was very bad, and I was frustrated. Then, I saw an email from my grandma saying that she bought me a book that she thought I would enjoy and that will deepen my understanding of God, and realized that I should pray to God. I thanked God for the reminder and asked him for help with my pain, and I felt a little better. For me, a little better is good enough.
Thinking that life could be worse shouldn't lift your burdens, and don't let anybody else tell you differently. Sometimes, burdens cannot be lifted, and you have to learn to carry the burden, no matter how much you don't want to. My goal is to bear pain skillfully, not to pretend that it is not there. One of the ways I bear the pain is by distracting myself, by watching Supernatural or RomComs or action movies or whatsoever. Just because I spend time with these distractions does not mean that their content influences my life in a negative way. Also, just because you do not have headaches every day does not mean that you don't deserve distractions as well. Don't use the excuse of "my life could be worse" to keep persevering when your hope and energy is expunged. That is no way to live. Everybody needs their own distractions and breaks from the hard parts of life, and doing so does not make you weak in any way, it just proves that you're human. Sometimes, being human sucks, but other times, you get to have sleepovers and pool parties. My party time will come in time, as will yours.
I have mentioned more than once that I have been watching the show Supernatural, which I am completely obsessed with by the way. At first, I felt guilty about watching it because it is a show about demons, monsters, hellhounds, and other evil things, but then in a later season, angels were introduced. So, my guilt was lifted because angels are heavenly, and therefore coincide with my faith. But, the show still includes demons and implies that God does not care about humanity and that angels are jealous of humans. So, the guilt remained. Just today actually, I realized that I do not watch Supernatural because I agree with its implications about life. I watch it and other shows and movies because of their subtle clues about humanity. Romance movies show that love is possible in ways beyond your soul mate; that before you can love another person, you first have to love yourself. Supernatural gives examples of how perspective creates compassion and empathy, not relief from pain, and America's Funniest Home Videos just makes me laugh. Everybody has to learn how to bear pain skillfully, and hopefully I can help others bear their pain whether it is like mine or not.
"Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well."
3 John 1:2
Love always,
Sierra
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