Reactions

So I'm the kind of person to see a problem in my life and try to fix it. I usually end up trying so hard to fix it that once it's no longer a problem, I don't enjoy it cause I'm just exhausted. This is what I do and I've accepted that because I can handle it. I can handle it because it's in my control. When it comes down to it, I choose how I react to things. For a long time, I only thought it was possible to choose your physical actions like cleaning your room, talking to a troubled friend, doing your homework, etc. What I have since learned is that you have the ability to control every single reaction that you have, the key word there being "ability." I also have the ability to train for a triathlon or learn to speak German, but I can't even run a mile without crying or say anything other than thank you, which is "danke shun" by the way, (and I probably spelled it wrong.) The one thing I don't have the ability to do is live without migraines. My body physically cannot function without them. I like to blame myself for the troubles in my life, and so I say to myself, "if only you had tried harder..." "You should have stopped this before it got too far..." Blah blah blah. Another thing I've accepted about myself. Because I've accepted this, I don't know how to accept the migraines, that there is literally nothing I could have ever done that would have prevented the pain I have felt, am feeling, and will continue to feel for the rest of my life. I still continue to fight that fact. I don't want to accept that I'm going to have to deal with this shit for the rest of my life. (Excuse my language, I never ever cuss unless the situation is worthy, and I think this situation definitely is worthy of a little swearing.) Even though I am surrounded by wonderful people who love me and will do anything to help me, I often feel alone. Nobody can share this burden with me. My dad is a goofy guy, and to cheer me up when my head is really bad, he comes over to me, puts his hand on my head, and makes a suction noise with his mouth, then he puts his hand on his own head and says "I sucked the pain out of your head and put it in mine." While this doesn't physically work, it usually emotionally works a little bit because it's a reminder that I'm not alone. Here comes another cheesy feel good yet valid line: You are not alone. You are never alone, even though it may feel like you are. Even when you cannot feel Him, God is there. 

Usually, when you can't feel God, it's because you've lost a little bit of your spirit. You've given up, whether momentarily or permanently, so you are more susceptible to negative thoughts. In that negative moment, I'm sorry to say this, but you probably are not going to have the will to make yourself feel better. In those moments, God sends a messenger to comfort you. Today, I'm not going to talk about the rock bottom part of the process of life. Instead, I'm going to talk about the path towards rock bottom and how you can lead yourself back uphill instead of downhill. Too many metaphors for you..? In simple terms, I'm going to introduce you to the process your brain goes through when it reacts to something in your life. To start off, I'll use an example. In the past two to three months, my headache has been completely unpredictable and has not reached a pain level lower than a 6. This week or next week, the medicine from the hospital should be kicking in and starting to make my pain more manageable a little bit at a time. Two days ago, my pain was all over the place for the whole day, ranging from a 6 to a 9. The first time the pain lowered to a 6, I was excited because I hoped it meant the medicine was finally working. When it jumped back up to an 8 not long later, I thought of it as a fluke. As the day went on and the pain kept fluctuating, I stopped getting excited when the pain was less and didn't expect it to last. We'll call this feeling 1. Feeling 1 is the automatic reaction my brain had to the day. That automatic feeling, you can't control, but every reactionary feeling after that, you can. Feeling 1 brought up Feeling 2, which was frustration because the pain wasn't better. When I noticed this feeling, I stopped and said to myself, "now wait a minute. A week ago you didn't even have moments where your pain was a 6. A 6 is a blessing. Be thankful." I have been practicing for a while now, so feeling 2 is the healthy response to feeling 1. 6 months ago, my feeling 2 would have still been frustration, but that frustration would've led to sadness, anger, depression, annoyance, the list goes on and on until I ended up on the couch with an ice pack crying while watching tangled. 

Trying to retrain your brain to be able to stop and think about your emotions is hard work. I've been at it for 6 months and I still kinda suck at it. All that you need to do to start is notice how you react to things. You don't even have to think about the emotions, just look at them, acknowledge them, and see what comes next. Also, you don't have to have an illness or injury to retrain your brain. Everybody's brain could use a little TLC. 

“So that you may live... bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.”

Colossians 1:10-12 NIV

Love always,

Sierra

P.S. If you ever need help with your brain, God is an expert on the brain. I mean, he did create it and all... ;)