First of all, thank you to each and every one of you who thought of me, prayed for me, contacted me, sent me words of wisdom, or just sent your love my way while I was in the hospital or this past week while I've been recovering. It means so much to me that so many of you are praying and caring about me...
Sometimes I wonder if I'm imagining the pain, or at least the intensity of it. I've found that these moments occur when the pain is less. I think there's something wrong with that process though. The minute my pain decreases, I doubt myself instead of enjoying the time. I start wondering when the pain will return and what I could possibly do to stop it. Sometimes I even wonder if the moment will last forever, and the pain will be permanently subsided. Now if these moments of daydreaming only happened once every few times the pain lessened, that would be okay. But I go through this thinking process every single time. I wonder if me living life carefree for a short period of time will cause others to wonder if I'm faking it too. But why does it matter what they think? Why do I need people to believe the pain I'm in? I've gotten past the point in my life where I need others' approval to behave a certain way or do what I want to, so why should my migraines change that about me? Why should I let them change my personality in a negative way when they already have control of my entire body? Your personality-your mind, thoughts, actions, behaviors, and choices-is the one thing that you have complete control over. You can choose who you want to be. Nothing can change that, not bullies, financial situations, your significant other, or even an all consuming disease. Nothing can change who you are unless you let it.
This is something I'm struggling with this week. In this case, I mean struggling as in actively fighting the urge to give in to the pain and exhaustion from being in the hospital. I haven't posted with an update as to my condition since I was in the hospital because I am still not sure how I feel about needing to accept my condition and what it has done to my life. I've been struggling with a high pain level in the afternoons to evenings, a little nausea here and there, and a very weak body. At first, I could barely brush my hair without my arms being sore afterwards, but now I'm working up to bigger things like doing my laundry or baking for fun. I've even been able to pleasure read a little bit! Luckily, so far I am succeeding in staying positive and keeping myself distracted when necessary. Actually I'm keeping myself distracted 24/7. I'm not sure if this is good for me or not, but it is how I am coping right now. When a situation is fixed and out of your control, it is useless to try to change the outside factors. At that point, the only leeway you have is within yourself. You can only control how you choose to react to the situation. In my case, I've chosen to accept that I am recovering from being in the hospital and that I will have no control over how fast I recover or even how far my recovery takes me, so my job is to keep my mental state content. This week, I have had little strength to work with, and it is gone by 2 PM. At 2:00, I am stuck on the couch for the rest of the day. So, I do as much as I reasonably can before 2:00. I have a nice breakfast, take a shower, get dressed and ready for the day, then I have a project or two to do for the day. Usually, I clean up the kitchen and then work on unpacking my college belongings. This gives me a sense of accomplishment for the day, no matter how small, so that at 8 PM, when I'm ready for bed, I don't feel like I wasted the entire day on the couch binge watching Gossip Girl and Supernatural.
When you are dealing with an impossible situation, it is important to take time and take care of your well being. Being proud of your accomplishments of the day, no matter how big or small, can be the difference between a good day and a bad one. We have to learn how to work with what we're given instead of waiting for more to appear.
"That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:10
Love always,
Sierra
P.S. Don't forget to enter your email address into the box at the top of the page to subscribe! Thanks all.
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Monday, March 28, 2016
A New Beginning
It's cheesy, I know, but I'm really starting to get the feeling that these next six months are going to be a new beginning for me. I think it starts now, with my acceptance of everything in my life as it currently is, good and bad. I'm still working on it, but I need to accept that I have done everything in my power to get better, and I will continue doing this. I need to learn how to put my own ambitions aside and follow God's plan for me, even if I can't see it all yet. I need to understand that I will never fully understand the reasons why my life is as it is, because I am not God. I am human, an imperfection. I need to stop striving for perfection because I will never reach it. All of these selfish ambitions and prideful actions will only lead me further from God, no matter how good my intentions are. I have every intention of actively following God and His plan, but oftentimes I find myself far from God's direction, and I realize that yet again, I have ignored His help and proceeded forward on my own. The times when I come to this realization are times like right now, when I am lying completely defenseless and broken in spirit and body. I am afraid. I am scared that in these next few weeks when I'm recovering I will forget about God and internalize all of my feelings, and end up in depression. Usually when I am recovering, I have some sort of goal or thing I am striving for, like going back to school or getting ready for college. I don't know how to handle the open-ended question that lies ahead of me. I don't have school again until September, and I don't have a job. I can't even think of a hobby that I want to get back to.
Here I am again, talking about my goals and my aspirations when I should be focusing on the here and now, resting and healing, listening to God's voice to see where He guides me. This is something each and every one of us does way too often, worry about the future. Worrying gets you nowhere. It leaves you anxious, fearful, quick to judge, and vulnerable to worldly forces. Of course, it is impossible to just stop worrying altogether, because again, we are human, imperfections. We are going to worry now and then, and that's okay. God doesn't expect us to be perfect. He just expects us to try our best, which includes learning when it is appropriate to worry and when it is time to give it up to God. Now unfortunately, there is no "magic moment" where you hear God's voice booming from the heavens reminding you that your suffering is not in vain. (I kinda wish there was though, it would make our jobs much easier.) I know a little bit about suffering, but Jesus knows everything about suffering. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice, one that we just celebrated yesterday. This year, Easter reminded me that God and Jesus understand and empathize with suffering, so He would not let us suffer if it wasn't absolutely necessary for our souls. Again, this is difficult to understand, but it falls under the category of faith. Faith is believing in something without proof, knowledge, or full understanding of it. That's the beauty of faith.
I was admitted into the hospital today. So far I have gotten one dose of DHE through an IV, and I will get a second one hopefully within the hour. I haven't started to feel the side effects yet, so I'm mostly just tired. I want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you that reads my blog, sends me positive notes of encouragement, and/or prays for me. My heart has swelled in the past few days with the realization that I have an army praying for me and supporting me. I am truly not alone in this fight. I have my friends, family, strangers, and most of all, God. If you do or don't have an army or even one person praying for you and caring about you as you are suffering, I would like to pray for you and support you as you do for me.
"Many are saying of me, 'God will not deliver him.' But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side."
Psalm 3:2-6
Love always,
Sierra
P.S. If you would like to receive an email when I post an update on this blog, there is a link on my homepage where you can enter your email address and select submit. You will automatically get an email notifying you that a new post has been added. Thanks!
Here I am again, talking about my goals and my aspirations when I should be focusing on the here and now, resting and healing, listening to God's voice to see where He guides me. This is something each and every one of us does way too often, worry about the future. Worrying gets you nowhere. It leaves you anxious, fearful, quick to judge, and vulnerable to worldly forces. Of course, it is impossible to just stop worrying altogether, because again, we are human, imperfections. We are going to worry now and then, and that's okay. God doesn't expect us to be perfect. He just expects us to try our best, which includes learning when it is appropriate to worry and when it is time to give it up to God. Now unfortunately, there is no "magic moment" where you hear God's voice booming from the heavens reminding you that your suffering is not in vain. (I kinda wish there was though, it would make our jobs much easier.) I know a little bit about suffering, but Jesus knows everything about suffering. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice, one that we just celebrated yesterday. This year, Easter reminded me that God and Jesus understand and empathize with suffering, so He would not let us suffer if it wasn't absolutely necessary for our souls. Again, this is difficult to understand, but it falls under the category of faith. Faith is believing in something without proof, knowledge, or full understanding of it. That's the beauty of faith.
I was admitted into the hospital today. So far I have gotten one dose of DHE through an IV, and I will get a second one hopefully within the hour. I haven't started to feel the side effects yet, so I'm mostly just tired. I want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you that reads my blog, sends me positive notes of encouragement, and/or prays for me. My heart has swelled in the past few days with the realization that I have an army praying for me and supporting me. I am truly not alone in this fight. I have my friends, family, strangers, and most of all, God. If you do or don't have an army or even one person praying for you and caring about you as you are suffering, I would like to pray for you and support you as you do for me.
"Many are saying of me, 'God will not deliver him.' But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side."
Psalm 3:2-6
Love always,
Sierra
P.S. If you would like to receive an email when I post an update on this blog, there is a link on my homepage where you can enter your email address and select submit. You will automatically get an email notifying you that a new post has been added. Thanks!
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Disappointment
Of all the emotions you can feel, I think I hate disappointment the most. I don't know if this is a universal thing or just a me thing, but I really can't stand disappointment. It doesn't matter if it's me feeling the disappointment or someone I love feeling it. It just all around sucks. I've been feeling a lot of disappointment for the past couple months. No matter what I do, it never seems to make a difference. I try my best and work as hard as I can, and yet still I end up feeling disappointed. I'm not disappointed in myself, because I have done every single thing to the best of my abilities, but I am disappointed in the situation surrounding me.
This past quarter, Winter Quarter, at UC Davis has been one of the hardest time periods of my life. In case you didn't know, college is hard. Like, really hard. No matter how much work you put in, what grades you get, what classes you take, it's just all around difficult in the first place. When you factor in forming new friendships, learning to live independently, and personal issues, college seems downright impossible, yet people graduate all the time. How do they do it? Well, I'm not totally sure, but I'll make sure to tell you when I figure it out. So far, my college career has included the need for persistence, dedication, compassion, patience, tons of energy, hard work, and an encompassingly (that's probably not a real word but oh well) healthy lifestyle. I have to think about literally every step of every process and how it could possibly affect me in the long run, because when I act without thinking, I end up in searing pain. Until now, I have not accepted that this is my life. I told myself that this won't last forever, and I just need to wait it out, but I've been coming to realize that my pain is not going to magically go away. I don't just have headaches. I don't just have migraines. I don't even just have chronic migraines. I have a disease. I have a disease where my body attacks itself every chance it gets, and there is no cure for it. Right now, I barely even have treatments for the symptoms. I like to have the mindset that I am "just a normal college student", but that's not the case. I'm not normal in the slightest. I am extremely abnormal. Luckily, I've never had the goal of being "normal" in the sense of style, personality, and lifestyle, so I'm halfway there to accepting my abnormality, but I still have to learn how to accept that I am not able to have a normal, carefree, experimental, crazy college experience. I'm going to have to take the long road to graduation, from having a lighter course load to graduating after over four years of schooling. I'm going to have to pay more, do less, and be realistic about my life goals.
As to my current lifestyle, it's going to change quite a bit in the next six months. I have had a constant pain level of an 8/10 or higher every day for the past month and a half. I failed my finals in two of my classes, and got my first ever C, in my two favorite classes, no less. I have never had a final grade lower than a B- ever. Seriously, never. Once when I was in fifth grade, I had a D on a progress report, but by the time the final grades came out, I had an A. I considered a C or lower to be failing. Now, I have to change that thought because I know that I did not fail. In fact, I succeeded in my Winter Quarter. I passed the two hardest classes I have ever taken while I was having the consistently worst pain I have ever experienced. Because this pain is still here, I am going to "fail" yet again. I'm going to do something that I have previously considered a failure. I have to take a quarter off of school. Clearly, this is not something I want to do, but something I have to do. On Monday 3/28, instead of going back to Davis for my Spring Quarter, I will get an emergency admission into the UCSF hospital. I'm going to get the same treatment that I've gotten twice before, the DHE infusion. This is the big change in my life. Going to the hospital for DHE is mentally, emotionally, physically, completely exhausting. It takes a full month for me to recover and be back to normal and up to six weeks for the medicine to make my pain less intense. Because college is so hard, missing even two weeks of school would be too much to come back from, so I have to take this Spring Quarter off. There is a program that allows any student to take any one quarter off while they attend UC Davis, so logistically it is a relatively stress-free solution. So here's where my disappointment comes in: I'm leaving my new life. I LOVE my life in Davis. I love my community and my school. It has become my home, and my friends have become my family. I know that my friends feel the same way, but a small part of me worries that by me not being there for a large chunk of time, they will forget about me or lose interest in being my friend. I also worry about being behind in my classes and my "plan" for my life. All in all, the situation is very disappointing. I was looking forward to my classes, fun outings with my friends, and engaging in my social life again (since last quarter, I was kind of a hermit).
Even with my disappointment, I have to be okay with the situation because if I'm not, then it will be even harder for me to stay happy through this difficult time. Staying happy will keep my stress, anxiety, and therefore pain and nausea levels down, which will allow the DHE to do its job correctly. This is something that I have learned from my doctors and therapists, and I have been practicing it for years, but it is still one of the hardest parts of my migraines. I'm sharing this with you because I am still struggling with this process, and God told me that it will be better if I share my experiences. I would also appreciate your prayers in this difficult time.
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28
Love always,
Sierra
This past quarter, Winter Quarter, at UC Davis has been one of the hardest time periods of my life. In case you didn't know, college is hard. Like, really hard. No matter how much work you put in, what grades you get, what classes you take, it's just all around difficult in the first place. When you factor in forming new friendships, learning to live independently, and personal issues, college seems downright impossible, yet people graduate all the time. How do they do it? Well, I'm not totally sure, but I'll make sure to tell you when I figure it out. So far, my college career has included the need for persistence, dedication, compassion, patience, tons of energy, hard work, and an encompassingly (that's probably not a real word but oh well) healthy lifestyle. I have to think about literally every step of every process and how it could possibly affect me in the long run, because when I act without thinking, I end up in searing pain. Until now, I have not accepted that this is my life. I told myself that this won't last forever, and I just need to wait it out, but I've been coming to realize that my pain is not going to magically go away. I don't just have headaches. I don't just have migraines. I don't even just have chronic migraines. I have a disease. I have a disease where my body attacks itself every chance it gets, and there is no cure for it. Right now, I barely even have treatments for the symptoms. I like to have the mindset that I am "just a normal college student", but that's not the case. I'm not normal in the slightest. I am extremely abnormal. Luckily, I've never had the goal of being "normal" in the sense of style, personality, and lifestyle, so I'm halfway there to accepting my abnormality, but I still have to learn how to accept that I am not able to have a normal, carefree, experimental, crazy college experience. I'm going to have to take the long road to graduation, from having a lighter course load to graduating after over four years of schooling. I'm going to have to pay more, do less, and be realistic about my life goals.
As to my current lifestyle, it's going to change quite a bit in the next six months. I have had a constant pain level of an 8/10 or higher every day for the past month and a half. I failed my finals in two of my classes, and got my first ever C, in my two favorite classes, no less. I have never had a final grade lower than a B- ever. Seriously, never. Once when I was in fifth grade, I had a D on a progress report, but by the time the final grades came out, I had an A. I considered a C or lower to be failing. Now, I have to change that thought because I know that I did not fail. In fact, I succeeded in my Winter Quarter. I passed the two hardest classes I have ever taken while I was having the consistently worst pain I have ever experienced. Because this pain is still here, I am going to "fail" yet again. I'm going to do something that I have previously considered a failure. I have to take a quarter off of school. Clearly, this is not something I want to do, but something I have to do. On Monday 3/28, instead of going back to Davis for my Spring Quarter, I will get an emergency admission into the UCSF hospital. I'm going to get the same treatment that I've gotten twice before, the DHE infusion. This is the big change in my life. Going to the hospital for DHE is mentally, emotionally, physically, completely exhausting. It takes a full month for me to recover and be back to normal and up to six weeks for the medicine to make my pain less intense. Because college is so hard, missing even two weeks of school would be too much to come back from, so I have to take this Spring Quarter off. There is a program that allows any student to take any one quarter off while they attend UC Davis, so logistically it is a relatively stress-free solution. So here's where my disappointment comes in: I'm leaving my new life. I LOVE my life in Davis. I love my community and my school. It has become my home, and my friends have become my family. I know that my friends feel the same way, but a small part of me worries that by me not being there for a large chunk of time, they will forget about me or lose interest in being my friend. I also worry about being behind in my classes and my "plan" for my life. All in all, the situation is very disappointing. I was looking forward to my classes, fun outings with my friends, and engaging in my social life again (since last quarter, I was kind of a hermit).
Even with my disappointment, I have to be okay with the situation because if I'm not, then it will be even harder for me to stay happy through this difficult time. Staying happy will keep my stress, anxiety, and therefore pain and nausea levels down, which will allow the DHE to do its job correctly. This is something that I have learned from my doctors and therapists, and I have been practicing it for years, but it is still one of the hardest parts of my migraines. I'm sharing this with you because I am still struggling with this process, and God told me that it will be better if I share my experiences. I would also appreciate your prayers in this difficult time.
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28
Love always,
Sierra
Friday, January 15, 2016
Not Your Usual Update
It has come to my attention that I have not updated everyone on who I am and who is in my life at college. Also, it has been way too long since I've posted on here anyways, so here goes! As most of you know, I'm studying at UC Davis for at least the next four years of my life. Isn't that crazy? I'm in college. I'm living on my own, looking for a job, studying, and planning my own life. Since I was a little girl, I've wanted to be an adult and be in charge of my own life, and now that it is here and happening, I can't believe it. I keep waiting to wake up from my dream and still be at home in high school with the same friends, same situations, and same responsibilities. Every time I go home, I forget just how real Davis is. Davis is my life now, and home (Modesto) is my vacation from my life. That is a HUGE transition, especially when I've never even transitioned into a new house before. I've lived in the same town, same neighborhood, same house, even the same bedroom, for the my entire life. Now, all of a sudden, everything has changed. (Anybody else get the Taylor Swift song popped up in your head from me saying "everything has changed"?) This is the first major change to happen in my life that I am happy about. When I think of the things that have changed my life in the past, what comes to mind is: the newfound "freedom" of high school, losing old friends and gaining better ones, Freshman year to graduating, and then I think of my aunt's unexpected death, my uncle's passing, my headaches, doctors, hospital trips, and then that becomes all I can think of. The bad overshadows the good. I don't want that to happen with Davis. I want Davis to be the place where the good shines through the bad, or even better, there is good without bad. So, I've been avoiding some truths in my life. I've been keeping my sad feelings quiet and suppressed, thinking that they would go away on their own. (Which is completely silly, because I know that suppressing feelings only makes them worse, so you'd think I'd know better.) First of all, you need to be informed of what is in my life and who is in my life. I have an AMAZING group of friends here. I am not dating anybody, but I have met more incredible, godly men and women than I ever knew there were in this world. I always thought I was weird for my strong foundation of faith and how I try to live it through every aspect of my life, but every single person in my new church group is striving to let God live through their lives as well. Of course, none of us is perfect, but the important part is that we're trying. This is the first time in my life that my very best friends, that I get to see every single day, are also a part of my church group. The best thing about this is that when I need someone to talk to, I can go to any one of them, and they will be there for me as well as remind me that God is here with me too. Sometimes, when life gets crazy, I'm too focused on what is happening right in front of me. I forget to let go and let God. My ego gets the best of me, and I try to do it on my own. My counselor has an acronym for "EGO" that I can really identify with: Edge God Out. When our ego gets bigger, God's voice gets smaller, and you start to edge God out of your life. This happens to me way way way too often. I try to juggle everything in my life as is, all on my own, without asking God what He wants me to do or what I am even able to do. When organization, preparedness, and patience are the most important things you can do to manage your life as they are for me, the more I listen to my ego, the less organized, prepared, and patient I am with life. Not only do we (me and others like me) lose patience with life, but we lose patience with God, and then start blaming Him for our own mistakes. Even though my time here at Davis has been wonderful, I have had too big of an ego for most of it. I've been trying to put up a front that I am always happy, bubbly, energetic, patient, and kind. Deep down, I knew that this isn't possible for anyone, let alone me, yet I continued to pretend. When my close friends asked me how my day was going, it was almost always "good, how about you?" no matter what my day was actually like. Because I have a constant reminder that life isn't perfect, it is easy for me to think about myself that I am always sad or unhappy because I am always in pain, but just as I am not always happy, I am not always sad either. In fact, the majority of my time at college has been spent in bliss. Yes, I have lots of homework. Yes, I have to study for multiple hours every single day. Yes, I still end up procrastinating way too much on Netflix. Yes, I am still constantly in pain. When I have a bad headache, I find myself repeating these negative statements over and over in my head, but these are just half of the truth. I actually enjoy doing my homework. I love learning more about my subjects and expanding my skills. I like studying because I am studying MY topics: math, science, and currently, psychology. I am still constantly in pain, but I am in less pain than I was in before. When the intense pain subsides, the full truths come out and I feel better about myself. This can be applied to everybody's life. When you find yourself feeling sad or depressed, take a note of the negative thoughts that are swirling around in your mind, and later when you are out of your slump, return to those thoughts. I can promise you that most every single one of them will only be half of the truth. That's what Satan uses to trick us. He tells us things that we know are true, but he only tells us half of the truth so that it seems worse than it really is. (Don't worry, I'm not saying your negative thoughts are Satan in your head. They're just what Satan wants for you, and because we are human, we have these bad thoughts all on our own.) But, because we also have God, if you give Him the chance, the full truths will start revealing themselves to you. You will see God's hand working in your life. You will see Him in the little moments of happiness you get from the sun shining and in the relationships that build up your confidence and sense of belonging. This is because God is in every single aspect of your life, and He is just waiting for you to notice Him. God is with every single one of us, whether we believe in Him or not. The difference between believers and non believers is that Christians have God in their heart, not just in their lives. That is the ideal life on earth, one lived hand in hand with God.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."
James 1:2-5
Love always,
Sierra
P.S. ^^I think I've found my new favorite verses.^^
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."
James 1:2-5
Love always,
Sierra
P.S. ^^I think I've found my new favorite verses.^^
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Patience is Key
Soooooo I finished my first quarter of college!!! And I was successful in it, academically, socially, emotionally, physically... in every way possible, I feel that I was successful. There are lots of reasons that I was successful this quarter, the most important of these are God's perfect plan and my wonderful family. I have slightly adjusted my definition of family in the past few months, from blood relatives to anybody important in my life. I have discovered that God provides family to those who ask for it, even if it is not in the way you expect. My family has greatly expanded, and consequently so has my faith. Going into college, I was preparing myself for a multitude of times where my faith, character, and values would be tested. Well, it turns out that I was tested, but not in the way I expected. I anticipated temptation to participate in illicit activities that would threaten my health, personality, and possibly even my future, because that's what college is about, right? Testing the limits, making mistakes, and learning from them? So far, this has been proven to be true, but it has happened in the best possible way. Instead of experiencing temptation to go out and party with the wrong crowd, I was tempted to stay out all night line dancing, drinking boba, and playing card games. I tested my physical limits by staying out later than I ever have before, and I tested my social/mental/emotional limits by placing myself in situations that I knew I was slightly uncomfortable in, but that I also knew would strengthen my confidence. Because I tested my limits in these ways, I have built strong foundations for friendships, strengthened my body, and had incredibly fun times along the way. I entered college a fragile little girl who was still recovering from being in the hospital, and even though I've only made it through a third of this year, I am already stronger and smarter than I have ever been.
Yesterday, I visited my doctor at UCSF for the first time in six months. The appointment was very enlightening. I was reminded how serious and permanent my condition is. This is the first appointment that I have had where I forgot about the severity of the impact of my disease, and that is a victory in itself. That is proof that my treatments are working; even though my body is not healing, my mind is healing. For the majority of my past appointments in UCSF, I have left disappointed, spending the first 20-30 minutes of the 3 hour car ride home sobbing because I was not given any new answers. Even though this appointment was not all that different from any others, I did not cry on my way home. Instead, I made plans to spend some time with my aunt and little cousin, and rocked out to some throwback One Direction music with my mom. We even went shopping! Why is this relevant to you, you may ask? Because the little things you do to help yourself manage your pain do make a difference in the end. This was the first time that I did not have to consciously choose to think positively after a fairly negative experience. I have been working on training my brain to focus on the positive and not the negative, and until recently, it has been a conscious decision to turn from the negative thoughts and towards the positive ones. For the majority of this quarter, my brain had a tendency towards the positive thoughts. That is why this past quarter was so successful for me, because all of my hard work with my DBT therapist has paid off. (DBT is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). DBT is part of my prescribed treatment plan, and it involves an active relationship with my therapist. My sessions with my therapist are not the usual kinds of therapy, where I lay on a couch and tell her every thought I've had in the past week. My therapist and I have discussions about how I consciously and subconsciously respond to the pain. I learn proven techniques to think positively as well as the chemistry behind how my brain functions in relation to the pain.)
Every time I stopped myself from thinking about how much my head hurt and instead focused on any positive thing, big or small, I trained my brain that positive is good and negative is bad. You'd think that that would be obvious, right? Clearly it is not obvious to the migraine brain, though, because so often depression, anxiety, and other real problems are developed because of chronic migraines. This is why patience is key, because pain is a very serious thing, no matter what kind of pain it is. Pain can be debilitating in multiple areas of your life, and often times, it is impossible to defeat on your own. It is also impossible to simply stop pain. You cannot throw it away, choose not to feel it, or decide that is is unimportant. Unfortunately, it takes patience to deal with pain, and I have learned that I am not very good at patience. I think this is one of the things that God is going to teach me through this trial. God is teaching me patience. True patience shows faith in God, even though it may seem like a simple "worldly" task. Developing relationships, preparing for exams, even waiting in line requires patience, and therefore faith. Faith that sooner or later, what you're waiting for WILL come. Faith that it is worth your patience. Faith it is God's will. Faith that it is worth it.
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31
Love always,
Sierra
Yesterday, I visited my doctor at UCSF for the first time in six months. The appointment was very enlightening. I was reminded how serious and permanent my condition is. This is the first appointment that I have had where I forgot about the severity of the impact of my disease, and that is a victory in itself. That is proof that my treatments are working; even though my body is not healing, my mind is healing. For the majority of my past appointments in UCSF, I have left disappointed, spending the first 20-30 minutes of the 3 hour car ride home sobbing because I was not given any new answers. Even though this appointment was not all that different from any others, I did not cry on my way home. Instead, I made plans to spend some time with my aunt and little cousin, and rocked out to some throwback One Direction music with my mom. We even went shopping! Why is this relevant to you, you may ask? Because the little things you do to help yourself manage your pain do make a difference in the end. This was the first time that I did not have to consciously choose to think positively after a fairly negative experience. I have been working on training my brain to focus on the positive and not the negative, and until recently, it has been a conscious decision to turn from the negative thoughts and towards the positive ones. For the majority of this quarter, my brain had a tendency towards the positive thoughts. That is why this past quarter was so successful for me, because all of my hard work with my DBT therapist has paid off. (DBT is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). DBT is part of my prescribed treatment plan, and it involves an active relationship with my therapist. My sessions with my therapist are not the usual kinds of therapy, where I lay on a couch and tell her every thought I've had in the past week. My therapist and I have discussions about how I consciously and subconsciously respond to the pain. I learn proven techniques to think positively as well as the chemistry behind how my brain functions in relation to the pain.)
Every time I stopped myself from thinking about how much my head hurt and instead focused on any positive thing, big or small, I trained my brain that positive is good and negative is bad. You'd think that that would be obvious, right? Clearly it is not obvious to the migraine brain, though, because so often depression, anxiety, and other real problems are developed because of chronic migraines. This is why patience is key, because pain is a very serious thing, no matter what kind of pain it is. Pain can be debilitating in multiple areas of your life, and often times, it is impossible to defeat on your own. It is also impossible to simply stop pain. You cannot throw it away, choose not to feel it, or decide that is is unimportant. Unfortunately, it takes patience to deal with pain, and I have learned that I am not very good at patience. I think this is one of the things that God is going to teach me through this trial. God is teaching me patience. True patience shows faith in God, even though it may seem like a simple "worldly" task. Developing relationships, preparing for exams, even waiting in line requires patience, and therefore faith. Faith that sooner or later, what you're waiting for WILL come. Faith that it is worth your patience. Faith it is God's will. Faith that it is worth it.
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31
Love always,
Sierra
Saturday, November 14, 2015
3:20 AM
So since it's 3:20 AM right now, I'll keep it short and sweet.
I've realized why my life feels so surreal here at Davis. It's something beyond just the fact that it's a big change for me. Literally, just now, I realized that I can't accept that this is actually my life. My life is so good right now, and it has been good for seven straight weeks now. That is a record. Up until two months ago, 3 days of happiness in a row was a HUGE deal for me. Even now that I've had SEVEN WEEKS of goodness, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, constantly preparing myself for the worst. I'm still not 100% positive that I will finish this quarter. The little voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that good doesn't last forever, especially not in my experiences, so I should take what I've got and expect nothing more. Because of this, I feel like I'm watching my life happen instead of living it, even though I am really really really enjoying my time here! I just wish I could get that little voice in the back of my head to shut up so I could live my life, but even if that was possible, it would not be a smart idea for me. That little voice has saved me more times than I can count in the past week alone. If I did not listen to the little voice, I would stay out too late with my friends, study less, eat too much junk food, etc. other bad habits, all of which lead to more pain. It's ironic that the thing that keeps me healthy(ish) is also holding me back... but I guess some things come hand in hand with others.
I do have a (hopefully) relative point to sharing this middle-of-the-night-realization that I've just had with you. Now that I've realized my problem, why I feel like I'm watching my life happen instead of living it, I can start to deal with it. Of course, it's not an easy fix, and I don't know how to do it now, let alone on my own, but I do have some place to start. I have a square one, where before I didn't even have that. I just had a feeling like something was missing from my life. I am proud to say that for once, I have been praying to God about this. I did not forget to talk to God about this particular problem, and I think that is in large part because of my blog. Writing on here reminds me to step out of my own little world and let God in, and I hope that by sharing my experiences and middle-of-the-night-realizations with you that I can remind you to let God in as well. So, goodnight for now!
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Sierra
I've realized why my life feels so surreal here at Davis. It's something beyond just the fact that it's a big change for me. Literally, just now, I realized that I can't accept that this is actually my life. My life is so good right now, and it has been good for seven straight weeks now. That is a record. Up until two months ago, 3 days of happiness in a row was a HUGE deal for me. Even now that I've had SEVEN WEEKS of goodness, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, constantly preparing myself for the worst. I'm still not 100% positive that I will finish this quarter. The little voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that good doesn't last forever, especially not in my experiences, so I should take what I've got and expect nothing more. Because of this, I feel like I'm watching my life happen instead of living it, even though I am really really really enjoying my time here! I just wish I could get that little voice in the back of my head to shut up so I could live my life, but even if that was possible, it would not be a smart idea for me. That little voice has saved me more times than I can count in the past week alone. If I did not listen to the little voice, I would stay out too late with my friends, study less, eat too much junk food, etc. other bad habits, all of which lead to more pain. It's ironic that the thing that keeps me healthy(ish) is also holding me back... but I guess some things come hand in hand with others.
I do have a (hopefully) relative point to sharing this middle-of-the-night-realization that I've just had with you. Now that I've realized my problem, why I feel like I'm watching my life happen instead of living it, I can start to deal with it. Of course, it's not an easy fix, and I don't know how to do it now, let alone on my own, but I do have some place to start. I have a square one, where before I didn't even have that. I just had a feeling like something was missing from my life. I am proud to say that for once, I have been praying to God about this. I did not forget to talk to God about this particular problem, and I think that is in large part because of my blog. Writing on here reminds me to step out of my own little world and let God in, and I hope that by sharing my experiences and middle-of-the-night-realizations with you that I can remind you to let God in as well. So, goodnight for now!
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Sierra
Saturday, November 7, 2015
The Start of Something New
So apparently I'm starting to use a recurring theme of referencing a weird obsession of mine... First country music, then Spirit, and now High School Musical. I guess it does go along with my previous references to other cheesy feel good things like Hallmark movies, since High School Musical is a cheesy blast from the past, especially with "The Start of Something New" being the first song of the movie series. I like cheesy movies, lyrics, stories, etc. because they always have a predictably happy ending. Life, however, is never predictable and seems to rarely have happy endings, so I guess I like the cheesy things because they show me a glimpse of what life would look like if everything ended nicely wrapped up in a happily ever after ending. Movies end with life-changing discoveries... the guy gets the girl, mother and daughter are on good terms again, and the evil ones are vanquished. Life also ends with a discovery, but unlike movies, the best memories in life are made during the times of discovering, not the actual discovery.
Today, I started a photo album on facebook to record my first year of college, and I titled it "UC Davis: Year One". As I was choosing pictures for and editing the album, it hit me that I'm going to be at Davis for four more years. It already feels like a lifetime that I've spent there, but it's only been six weeks. I've only been a part of my church group, Catalyst, for five weeks. Coming home this weekend, I'm having this odd feeling that I just dreamt about the past five weeks, and that I am coming to the end of my dream. In reality, my dream is just beginning. I'm at the start of something new: something awe-inspiringly, life-changingly, wonderfully new. It's amazing how just a change in perspective can change a person's whole outlook on life. Instead of bracing myself for the end of this season of life, I can be fully present in the moments, taking pleasure in the small things as well as the large things that I encounter. I encourage you to look at your life as the start of something new instead of the end of something old, because life does not end happily. Life ends with pain and loss. So, when we think about endings in our life, we expect pain and loss to come from them. Instead of seeing the ends, see the beginnings, because life begins with pure joy. When we are first brought into the world, there is a party in Heaven, because another child of God is born. On the wall of my bedroom, I have a patchwork that my grandma made for me when I was just a baby that simply says, "God danced the day you were born", and every time I look at that, I am reminded of the joy that life is meant to bring us. Too often, we are caught up in the pain and suffering of life and forget to see the joy in it. Every day is a chance to see the start of something new.
"He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making all things new! Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"
Revelation 21:5
Love always,
Sierra
Today, I started a photo album on facebook to record my first year of college, and I titled it "UC Davis: Year One". As I was choosing pictures for and editing the album, it hit me that I'm going to be at Davis for four more years. It already feels like a lifetime that I've spent there, but it's only been six weeks. I've only been a part of my church group, Catalyst, for five weeks. Coming home this weekend, I'm having this odd feeling that I just dreamt about the past five weeks, and that I am coming to the end of my dream. In reality, my dream is just beginning. I'm at the start of something new: something awe-inspiringly, life-changingly, wonderfully new. It's amazing how just a change in perspective can change a person's whole outlook on life. Instead of bracing myself for the end of this season of life, I can be fully present in the moments, taking pleasure in the small things as well as the large things that I encounter. I encourage you to look at your life as the start of something new instead of the end of something old, because life does not end happily. Life ends with pain and loss. So, when we think about endings in our life, we expect pain and loss to come from them. Instead of seeing the ends, see the beginnings, because life begins with pure joy. When we are first brought into the world, there is a party in Heaven, because another child of God is born. On the wall of my bedroom, I have a patchwork that my grandma made for me when I was just a baby that simply says, "God danced the day you were born", and every time I look at that, I am reminded of the joy that life is meant to bring us. Too often, we are caught up in the pain and suffering of life and forget to see the joy in it. Every day is a chance to see the start of something new.
"He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making all things new! Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"
Revelation 21:5
Love always,
Sierra
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