Well, I have officially started my treatment! One round of DHE is done and over with, and bearable as well. So far, not too much nausea, nothing I can't handle ;). The PICC line was seamlessly inserted by the same doctor who gave me my picc line last time! (we'll call her Dr. Picc) She remembered me, which I find amazing. Each of her work days is full of many different children, yet she still remembered me, from 6 months ago. She was my first glimpse of God in this hospital. It only took about 15 minutes to get my room assignment and go up to my floor on the elevator, and the first face I see in the halls is Dr. Picc. She saw me and stopped me to say oh hi! I remember you! I put your picc in in January. I'll see you soon!
As I have said in the past, I find the PICC line fascinating. The very first step is cleaning my whole upper left arm with antibacterial fluids and a sterile sponge and putting numbing cream on a small area of my arm. After about half an hour, Dr. Picc came back in to finish the process. The long process was started with her measuring the length from the crook of my elbow to the tip of my shoulder, then from the tip of my shoulder down to just above my sternum on the left side. This length is the length she cut the tube (that goes inside my vein) to be. Then, she looked at the vein with an ultrasound machine to make sure my vein didn't have any problems. I got to see my vein on the ultrasound machine!! It was so cool! Then comes a lot more sterilizing my arm, including using sterile gloves, gowns, towels, coverings, masks, hair nets... Throughout the rest of the process, half of my body was covered in blue sterile cloths, and every single object she used, down to the needle caps, was sterile. There was a hole just big enough to see my arm on the place the picc was going to be inserted. While looking at my vein on the ultrasound, Dr. Picc gave me a shot of lidocaine, all around the vein in my left upper arm. The lidocaine hurt... but not a lot and not for very long. After numbing the area, she poked my arm with a needle, still looking at my vein on the ultrasound. I watched the screen of the ultrasound, and watched as well as felt her poke into my vein with the needle. That also hurt, but just like a small pinch inside my arm. Then, a very thin wire was put into my vein through the needle. The wire is used to guide the tube into my vein, then once the tube is placed correctly, the wire is removed. In order to fit the tube into my arm, she needed to cut my skin a little bit. Before she made the small cut, she put a little more lidocaine in my arm. I honestly did not feel her cut my skin, which means the lidocaine did its job well. After the cut, the tube fit into my arm. Dr. Picc asked me to turn my head to the left and look down. I did this to help her guide the tube down the right pathway of veins. The proper placing of the tube is up through my shoulder then down near my heart. Sometimes, the tube takes a wrong turn and goes up into the neck. This is not a problem until fluids and medicines are introduced, so after the tube was all the way in my arm, Dr. Picc used the ultrasound again to look at the vein in my neck and make sure the tube wasn't up there. Mine wasn't, so she finished the process by putting the IV connections in place and taping everything in place. Just to make sure the tube was in the right spot in my chest, I got a chest X-Ray. Everything was set up and ready, IV fluids included, by 1:00.
Considering we woke up at 5:15 this morning, rode in the car for almost 3 hours, and have been busy in the hospital all day, my mom and I are exhausted. We continue seeing God in people, places, and even the technology that we have come in contact with. So far, my mom and I have met two tech guys, one of whom was from Ireland and the other had a similar accent, that we chatted with. Both of my nurses are smiley, chatty, and very kind. I have seen a few doctors who came around to introduce themselves and ask if I needed anything. I also had my first doctors rounds today. Every day around the same time, this week 3:00 PM, my neurologist enters my room with a trail of ducklings watching her every move. I am at a UC hospital, which means it is a teaching hospital, so there are lots of residents along with the doctors throughout the hospital. A team of about seven people will come by my room every day to see how I am doing. Today was more of a "hello" than anything, since I had only just started DHE when they came. Tomorrow, they will ask me questions about how my nausea, headache, leg cramps, etc. have been doing and what medicines I take to manage them. My neurologist mentioned to the group that I am going to UC Davis and when I told them I am majoring in Human Development, their faces all lit up with excitement for me. That is a very reassuring sign. My neurologist even commented that she hopes someday I will be back in this hospital working with her in Pediatrics.. another moment of God.
Now, I am going to relax, watch Supernatural, and drink my vanilla malt. I will get one more dosage of DHE tonight, at 10:30, then I am planning on going to bed. I really appreciate all of your prayers, support, and love.
“For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” Matthew 25:35-40
Love always,
Sierra
Monday, July 6, 2015
Sunday, July 5, 2015
All to Jesus, I Surrender
As the time between me and the treatment decreases, the more panicked I expect myself to be. I expected myself to be worrying about the side effects, nervous, forgetting things, restless... but I am calm. Somehow, I am at peace with the coming treatment. Today at church, I had a wonderful moment with God. The moment I saw the lyrics on the screen and heard the familiar chords to "Our God Saves" by Paul Baloche, I felt God's hands on my shoulders. "Lord, we come. We're gathered together to lift up Your name. To call on our Savior, to fall on Your grace." Worship is a time to do just that. You and your church family comes together and opens their arms for God's presence.
Feeling God's presence is the most wonderful, powerful feeling in the world. When I think of the power of God's presence, I think of one moment in particular in which I felt God's embrace so strongly that I started crying tears of joy. The summer between my 8th and 9th grade years, I went on a five day trip to a youth conference, "CHIC," with my youth group. It was one of the best weeks of my life. We flew out to Tennessee and I shared a room with my best friend. We heard from lots of amazing speakers and learned a lot about God, ourselves, and faith in the rest of the world. One of the nights, Chris Tomlin was the headlining music performer. This conference was at a Texas university, and about 40,000 people were there in the stadium, every single one of them singing their heart out praising God. On this same night, the speaker gave an opportunity for everybody to ask God into their heart. That night was my favorite night. After the speaker prayed with those who wanted to accept God into their heart, she asked those people to stand so we all could celebrate and congratulate them. This time, when asked to stand, over half of the stadium stood, showing their newfound faith in Jesus Christ. I have heard a lot of these benediction prayers, and every time I pray along, asking God to bless these people and help keep them on His path to righteousness. After this moment, Chris Tomlin came back on stage to sing a song, the perfect song for that night. He sang "White Flag." For those of you who have not heard this song, you need to. That song continues to change my life today. It alludes to battle, when one side surrenders and raises a white flag. Life is a battle. I forget that life is not supposed to be easy. It is supposed to suck at times, because it reminds us that we do not belong here on Earth forever. That night, I raised my white flag to Christ. They also handed out handkerchief-sized white flags to every person who wanted one, and as we sang the song, I saw thousands of white flags raised to Christ Jesus. I tear up just thinking about the power I felt in that moment. Not only was I raising my white flag to surrender to God, but I was surrendering with my friends, people I love, and thousands of other strangers. It continues to remind me that I am not alone even here on Earth, that I am surrendering with my comrades of life.
Today during worship, I surrendered my battle to God. I surrender. I am done fighting myself tooth and nail to push through the pain and keep living my life. I am ready for this week to wipe my slate clean. The first time I was in the hospital, I did not want to share it with anybody besides close friends and family. I was embarrassed. Now, I am confessing it not only to God, but to the world, that I cannot do this alone. Every treatment, every hand that cares for me, is touched by God. Not only does God bless it, but each and every person who prays for me blesses my treatment. I am INCREDIBLY blessed. It feels strange saying this on the eve of a weeklong hospital stay, but it is true. I am blessed. You are blessed. I have learned that blessings only make a difference if you accept them. Do not wait as long as I did before you accept others' blessings on you. Prayer is a powerful and necessary part of your lives, whether you realize it or not. Somewhere, someone is praying for you. You may not even know the person, but you are still blessed by their prayers. I pray for each and every one of you, that you will accept God's blessing.
"Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to."
Deuteronomy 15:10
Love always,
Sierra
Feeling God's presence is the most wonderful, powerful feeling in the world. When I think of the power of God's presence, I think of one moment in particular in which I felt God's embrace so strongly that I started crying tears of joy. The summer between my 8th and 9th grade years, I went on a five day trip to a youth conference, "CHIC," with my youth group. It was one of the best weeks of my life. We flew out to Tennessee and I shared a room with my best friend. We heard from lots of amazing speakers and learned a lot about God, ourselves, and faith in the rest of the world. One of the nights, Chris Tomlin was the headlining music performer. This conference was at a Texas university, and about 40,000 people were there in the stadium, every single one of them singing their heart out praising God. On this same night, the speaker gave an opportunity for everybody to ask God into their heart. That night was my favorite night. After the speaker prayed with those who wanted to accept God into their heart, she asked those people to stand so we all could celebrate and congratulate them. This time, when asked to stand, over half of the stadium stood, showing their newfound faith in Jesus Christ. I have heard a lot of these benediction prayers, and every time I pray along, asking God to bless these people and help keep them on His path to righteousness. After this moment, Chris Tomlin came back on stage to sing a song, the perfect song for that night. He sang "White Flag." For those of you who have not heard this song, you need to. That song continues to change my life today. It alludes to battle, when one side surrenders and raises a white flag. Life is a battle. I forget that life is not supposed to be easy. It is supposed to suck at times, because it reminds us that we do not belong here on Earth forever. That night, I raised my white flag to Christ. They also handed out handkerchief-sized white flags to every person who wanted one, and as we sang the song, I saw thousands of white flags raised to Christ Jesus. I tear up just thinking about the power I felt in that moment. Not only was I raising my white flag to surrender to God, but I was surrendering with my friends, people I love, and thousands of other strangers. It continues to remind me that I am not alone even here on Earth, that I am surrendering with my comrades of life.
Today during worship, I surrendered my battle to God. I surrender. I am done fighting myself tooth and nail to push through the pain and keep living my life. I am ready for this week to wipe my slate clean. The first time I was in the hospital, I did not want to share it with anybody besides close friends and family. I was embarrassed. Now, I am confessing it not only to God, but to the world, that I cannot do this alone. Every treatment, every hand that cares for me, is touched by God. Not only does God bless it, but each and every person who prays for me blesses my treatment. I am INCREDIBLY blessed. It feels strange saying this on the eve of a weeklong hospital stay, but it is true. I am blessed. You are blessed. I have learned that blessings only make a difference if you accept them. Do not wait as long as I did before you accept others' blessings on you. Prayer is a powerful and necessary part of your lives, whether you realize it or not. Somewhere, someone is praying for you. You may not even know the person, but you are still blessed by their prayers. I pray for each and every one of you, that you will accept God's blessing.
"Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to."
Deuteronomy 15:10
Love always,
Sierra
Friday, July 3, 2015
The Past Five Months
I had to do that title for this post because it reminds me of the movie The Last Five Years, and although it has nothing in common with my life, I could not resist alluding to it. Anna Kendrick is amazing. Jeremy Jordan is amazing. Both of them together in a Broadway show makes genius! I wish I could have sung songs that I made up on the spot about the past, because that would be freaking awesome!! Unfortunately, I can't sing and I am not creative in that way, hence this blog. Every time I hear a song that I love, I have the urge to sing to it... Since I am not a good singer I don't have the confidence to sing, and usually the urge to sing arrives when I am in public and it would be weird to start singing...
How does this relate to my headaches you may ask? I have been very impatient these last five months. All I wanted was for school to be over, for the pain to end... I gripe and whine way too much. Like "the boy who cried wolf," my excessive griping puts everything in my life at the same level of importance, not to God, but to myself. I am not a whiner in an outward way, but I whine all the time inside my head. I forget that I am not the only one who knows what I am thinking... that God hears my every word, every thought, sees every action or inaction... and He judges your character based on all of it. I don't mean judges in the worldly way, like judging people for their outward appearance, but in a faithful way. God is not trivial when it comes to our faith, so He will not hold your mistakes against you. I use this as an excuse to do things I shouldn't, like complain about being too lazy to get up and get myself my own cup of water from the kitchen. I whine about walking twenty feet to get ice and fresh clean water. Many places in the world, they walk over a mile to get water, and their water isn't even clean. I whine about my headaches in a similar way.
I know people personally who went through many more trials than I have ever been to and rarely complained. My uncle was one of those people... He had cancer three times and I never saw him without a smile on his face, even if he was confined to a hospital bed. I do not have his strength, but if I am stuck with migraines every day for the rest of my life, I will need his strength. I will need His strength. God's strength is the strongest thing in the universe. Yes I know that is redundant: "His strength is strong." But there is no other way to explain it... Every single aspect of God is strong. His love, His support, His mercy, His power, His embrace, His healing hand, His guidance... etc. Even though at times I lose my strength, God is there to back me up. This did not happen by accident... I asked God for help. I don't always remember in the tough moments to pray, but I have God in my heart, so even when I don't ask him to be there, He is there for me anyways. God is the perfect friend. The strongest friend you will ever find. Just like with our human friends, a friendship must give and take from both sides. If you continue with your faith in God, He will continue supporting you. Even if you walk away, God waits patiently for you to return to Him.
When you are going through a rough patch in life, it is easy to forget the things you do have. The past five months, I did not take enough time to give thanks. I was often reminded by friends or family how blessed I am, but when I am in a lot of pain it is hard for me to thank God. While Thanksgiving only comes once a year, thanksgiving should happen every day. I have a large wonderful family, amazing friends, food every day, a roof over my head, God's love, support from my church, prayers from people I don't even know... Take time to thank God for what you have, not for what you don't, and He will appreciate it. The typical point of view on God's actions is that once you repent/give thanks/ask for help, God takes away your burdens. Well, this is blackmail, and God does not blackmail... God gives you your burdens for the perfect amount of time. We are his masterpiece. Like sculpting, you start with a large, ugly, heavy block of stone. God shapes us with lots of time and work chipping away our worldly selves, leaving us with our holy selves. When a sculpture is done, it is put on display, to be appreciated by all. God displays us in heaven, but only if we let Him shape us. A sculpture cannot carve itself, and we cannot become holy alone. Life is rough, but Heaven is worth it. God is worth it. Never forget that.
"For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
Love always,
Sierra
How does this relate to my headaches you may ask? I have been very impatient these last five months. All I wanted was for school to be over, for the pain to end... I gripe and whine way too much. Like "the boy who cried wolf," my excessive griping puts everything in my life at the same level of importance, not to God, but to myself. I am not a whiner in an outward way, but I whine all the time inside my head. I forget that I am not the only one who knows what I am thinking... that God hears my every word, every thought, sees every action or inaction... and He judges your character based on all of it. I don't mean judges in the worldly way, like judging people for their outward appearance, but in a faithful way. God is not trivial when it comes to our faith, so He will not hold your mistakes against you. I use this as an excuse to do things I shouldn't, like complain about being too lazy to get up and get myself my own cup of water from the kitchen. I whine about walking twenty feet to get ice and fresh clean water. Many places in the world, they walk over a mile to get water, and their water isn't even clean. I whine about my headaches in a similar way.
I know people personally who went through many more trials than I have ever been to and rarely complained. My uncle was one of those people... He had cancer three times and I never saw him without a smile on his face, even if he was confined to a hospital bed. I do not have his strength, but if I am stuck with migraines every day for the rest of my life, I will need his strength. I will need His strength. God's strength is the strongest thing in the universe. Yes I know that is redundant: "His strength is strong." But there is no other way to explain it... Every single aspect of God is strong. His love, His support, His mercy, His power, His embrace, His healing hand, His guidance... etc. Even though at times I lose my strength, God is there to back me up. This did not happen by accident... I asked God for help. I don't always remember in the tough moments to pray, but I have God in my heart, so even when I don't ask him to be there, He is there for me anyways. God is the perfect friend. The strongest friend you will ever find. Just like with our human friends, a friendship must give and take from both sides. If you continue with your faith in God, He will continue supporting you. Even if you walk away, God waits patiently for you to return to Him.
When you are going through a rough patch in life, it is easy to forget the things you do have. The past five months, I did not take enough time to give thanks. I was often reminded by friends or family how blessed I am, but when I am in a lot of pain it is hard for me to thank God. While Thanksgiving only comes once a year, thanksgiving should happen every day. I have a large wonderful family, amazing friends, food every day, a roof over my head, God's love, support from my church, prayers from people I don't even know... Take time to thank God for what you have, not for what you don't, and He will appreciate it. The typical point of view on God's actions is that once you repent/give thanks/ask for help, God takes away your burdens. Well, this is blackmail, and God does not blackmail... God gives you your burdens for the perfect amount of time. We are his masterpiece. Like sculpting, you start with a large, ugly, heavy block of stone. God shapes us with lots of time and work chipping away our worldly selves, leaving us with our holy selves. When a sculpture is done, it is put on display, to be appreciated by all. God displays us in heaven, but only if we let Him shape us. A sculpture cannot carve itself, and we cannot become holy alone. Life is rough, but Heaven is worth it. God is worth it. Never forget that.
"For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
Love always,
Sierra
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Not Again...
"Not again. Not again. Really? Again? The same thing? This is bullcrap." has been running circles in my mind for the past two years, especially in these last few months. I have tried many different medications, and for each trial, I have to wait at least two months to see if it even works. I have gotten used to the pattern... medicine, no work, okay a new one. repeat x infinity (of course an exaggeration but my point is clear). Even though I go through this process every three to six months, I still hope that I will never have to deal with it again. So far, my hope has only lead to disappointment, because I still have searing pain daily. Granted, the searing part of the pain does not last 24/7, but it still happens too often for my taste. On a good day, my pain level (on a scale of 1-10) averages at a 6, with pain spikes reaching an 8. On a bad day, my pain level averages at an 8 and spikes to a 9. On a terrible day, my pain level averages at a 9.5 and spikes at an 11. I don't like using 10's. I feel like if I say my pain is at a level of 10, I am daring my head to hurt more. I am guessing that most of you have seen "The Fault in Our Stars," and I can relate to Hazel's view on the 1-10 pain scale. I am saving my 10. I really really hope that I never ever have to use it, because I know it will not mean that my head hurts. I have encountered all kinds of pain throughout my life... mental, emotional, physical, etc. I would take having a headache every day for the rest of my life over the pain of losing someone I love.
Anyways, the point of all this pain talk is to explain why I am putting myself through another "not again" situation. I am going back into the hospital to get the same treatment, DHE, for my migraines. It sounds crazy to be putting myself through the same treatment again, because it seems like it did not work the first time. However, that is not the case... before the January treatment, my average daily pain level was an 8. Every day, I had a constant pain level of 8. It was quite unbearable, I don't even know how I made it a month like that. After the treatment, my pain level was lowered down to a daily 6. Unfortunately, my stubborn personality is mirrored in my body, because the pain has been slowly creeping back up to a daily 8. I am doing the treatment again to stop that from happening and hopefully to lower my pain to a daily 5. I do not expect to be pain-free, but I do hope that it significantly improves. So, next week, I will be in the hospital again.
The first time I went in the hospital was in January. I went for five days, and over the course of those five days I was given DHE every 8 hours through the PICC line (type of IV). So, every 8 hours my nurse would come in and hang a bag of fluids on my IV stand monitor thing. For the next two hours, I would get the DHE instead of normal saline fluids. Every time I was given DHE, I was also given three medicines to prevent nausea. Basically, I was a walking bag of medicine for the five days I was there. And I am going back, this time for 6 days. The hospital is actually very nice and wonderful at making me feel comfortable. I got to order as much food as I wanted from 7 AM to 8 PM, watched movies, could've played XBOX except I suck at video games so I don't even bother playing, colored, painted, walked around the halls, listened to music... etc. other distractions from the fact that I was in the hospital. Another great thing about my hospital stay was the amount of love I got from my friends and family. I was visited by a few close friends and sent flowers, emails, cards, and other wonderful happy things by many people. God made sure I didn't feel alone. Not only did some people come visit, but I had either my mom or my dad with there with me the whole time. Of course I let them out every so often to get some fresh air and alone time, but I was practically waited on hand and foot while I was there. Anyone who has been in the hospital understands the necessity of people taking care of you. Even though I didn't go under any anesthesia or have to recover from any procedures, it was exhausting. It took at least three hours to finish two hour movies because of the amount of times I had to pause them because someone came in to talk to us or give me medicine or ask me questions.
The first time I went through this treatment, I was unprepared for the aftermath that occurred. For the first two weeks after I was home, I was completely mentally and physically exhausted... even though I basically just laid in bed for a week. This time, my family and I are prepared for my necessary recovery time. One thing I have not prepared myself for is the possibility that this will not work. I could get this treatment done and still see no improvement. I have no idea what I would do if that happened. I like being prepared for the worst, but I don't know how to prepare myself for that. So, I am depending God preparing me. I don't know what is going to happen, but I know that God will help me through. I am still scared, but less so when I think about God's will. His good, pleasing, and perfect will. God knows who I am, my strengths and weaknesses, and He will guide me on this crazy hard path. Believe it or not, God is guiding you too. Even if Jesus is not in your heart, God is still with you. He is your ohana. "Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten." Disney is great at quotes such as this one, and I have found that every single one can be applied to faith as well. We are God's ohana, each and every one of us, from the newborn babies to those on their death bed. Every. Single. Person. 7 billion people. Somehow, God loves us all even though we are humans, therefore imperfect. God does not care about perfection. He cares about what is in your heart, and He will always be there for you on your crazy hard paths as well as your easy ones. He loves you.
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."
Romans 12:2
Anyways, the point of all this pain talk is to explain why I am putting myself through another "not again" situation. I am going back into the hospital to get the same treatment, DHE, for my migraines. It sounds crazy to be putting myself through the same treatment again, because it seems like it did not work the first time. However, that is not the case... before the January treatment, my average daily pain level was an 8. Every day, I had a constant pain level of 8. It was quite unbearable, I don't even know how I made it a month like that. After the treatment, my pain level was lowered down to a daily 6. Unfortunately, my stubborn personality is mirrored in my body, because the pain has been slowly creeping back up to a daily 8. I am doing the treatment again to stop that from happening and hopefully to lower my pain to a daily 5. I do not expect to be pain-free, but I do hope that it significantly improves. So, next week, I will be in the hospital again.
The first time I went in the hospital was in January. I went for five days, and over the course of those five days I was given DHE every 8 hours through the PICC line (type of IV). So, every 8 hours my nurse would come in and hang a bag of fluids on my IV stand monitor thing. For the next two hours, I would get the DHE instead of normal saline fluids. Every time I was given DHE, I was also given three medicines to prevent nausea. Basically, I was a walking bag of medicine for the five days I was there. And I am going back, this time for 6 days. The hospital is actually very nice and wonderful at making me feel comfortable. I got to order as much food as I wanted from 7 AM to 8 PM, watched movies, could've played XBOX except I suck at video games so I don't even bother playing, colored, painted, walked around the halls, listened to music... etc. other distractions from the fact that I was in the hospital. Another great thing about my hospital stay was the amount of love I got from my friends and family. I was visited by a few close friends and sent flowers, emails, cards, and other wonderful happy things by many people. God made sure I didn't feel alone. Not only did some people come visit, but I had either my mom or my dad with there with me the whole time. Of course I let them out every so often to get some fresh air and alone time, but I was practically waited on hand and foot while I was there. Anyone who has been in the hospital understands the necessity of people taking care of you. Even though I didn't go under any anesthesia or have to recover from any procedures, it was exhausting. It took at least three hours to finish two hour movies because of the amount of times I had to pause them because someone came in to talk to us or give me medicine or ask me questions.
The first time I went through this treatment, I was unprepared for the aftermath that occurred. For the first two weeks after I was home, I was completely mentally and physically exhausted... even though I basically just laid in bed for a week. This time, my family and I are prepared for my necessary recovery time. One thing I have not prepared myself for is the possibility that this will not work. I could get this treatment done and still see no improvement. I have no idea what I would do if that happened. I like being prepared for the worst, but I don't know how to prepare myself for that. So, I am depending God preparing me. I don't know what is going to happen, but I know that God will help me through. I am still scared, but less so when I think about God's will. His good, pleasing, and perfect will. God knows who I am, my strengths and weaknesses, and He will guide me on this crazy hard path. Believe it or not, God is guiding you too. Even if Jesus is not in your heart, God is still with you. He is your ohana. "Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten." Disney is great at quotes such as this one, and I have found that every single one can be applied to faith as well. We are God's ohana, each and every one of us, from the newborn babies to those on their death bed. Every. Single. Person. 7 billion people. Somehow, God loves us all even though we are humans, therefore imperfect. God does not care about perfection. He cares about what is in your heart, and He will always be there for you on your crazy hard paths as well as your easy ones. He loves you.
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."
Romans 12:2
Monday, June 29, 2015
When Reality Hits
In the few weeks I had between planning the hospital visit and actually going, I thought I came to terms with the fact that I was going to be in the hospital. In the few days and hours leading up to being admitted, I was a jumbled up mess of feelings. I was nervous, scared, frustrated, disappointed... overall, I just had an ominous feeling about the whole situation. I am a procrastinator, not of schoolwork, but of big life events. I don't like dealing with heavy situations until they actually happen, so I just pretend that everything is okay until the last minute. Even though I have proven this to myself time and time again, I still don't realize that my confidence and bravery is just a front for a scared little girl. So, until I was physically in the hospital, I was okay with the idea of it. I chose to see it as just another course of medicine, until I was sitting in a hospital room waiting to get a needle put in my arm. The reality of me, a 17 year old girl, being in a hospital for a week did not hit until then. That is when the jumbled mess of feelings overwhelmed me.
I don't like needing help from other people. I like doing things by myself, and I am very, very stubborn about it. Throughout the course of my pain, treatments, and side effects, I have had to learn to ask for help... not only from my friends and family, but from God as well. While I was in the hospital, I asked God for courage, peace of mind, strength, as well as support from the people in my life. Boy, did God come through! God eased every inch of that week, starting and ending with the PICC line. Starting off the week, I was warned about the possible side effects from the medicine, treatment, and hospital routine. While the nurses and doctors tried their best to make it seem simple, every step was a complex one. I could have had a bad reaction to the DHE, causing vomiting, weakness, stiffness, headaches (ironically), the PICC line could have gotten infected, then needed to be removed and a new one put in (this could have happened multiple times throughout the week), I could have been bored out of my mind... etc. etc. Even though I saw the possible shortcomings of the week, I stayed relatively calm. I still find it shocking that I did not have a breakdown while I was at the hospital. I think the reason is God. While the little girl inside of me was scared, the big girl with God on her side was brave.
We all have a scared little girl in us (yes, even guys, metaphorically of course, they would have little boys but you get the jist). One of the best parts of being a human is that we are able to be scared and courageous at the same time. When we are scared, yet courageous, we are brave. God doesn't need bravery, because he is never scared. I'm learning that it is okay to be scared. God understands that we are scared and he sympathizes, but God is also just. You have to prove that you are courageous before you can be brave. Don't worry though, because although He won't solve your problems for you, He will be with you every step of the way. God was with me in the hospital, showing me how to be brave in the face of some scary stuff. Through every dose of DHE, He was there. In every friend and family I saw, He was there. He was even there in my nurses and doctors, whether they believed in Him or not. You cannot see Him or hear Him, but you can feel Him. I can guarantee you, He is there.
"Be strong and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the LORD."
Psalm 31:24
Love always,
Sierra
I don't like needing help from other people. I like doing things by myself, and I am very, very stubborn about it. Throughout the course of my pain, treatments, and side effects, I have had to learn to ask for help... not only from my friends and family, but from God as well. While I was in the hospital, I asked God for courage, peace of mind, strength, as well as support from the people in my life. Boy, did God come through! God eased every inch of that week, starting and ending with the PICC line. Starting off the week, I was warned about the possible side effects from the medicine, treatment, and hospital routine. While the nurses and doctors tried their best to make it seem simple, every step was a complex one. I could have had a bad reaction to the DHE, causing vomiting, weakness, stiffness, headaches (ironically), the PICC line could have gotten infected, then needed to be removed and a new one put in (this could have happened multiple times throughout the week), I could have been bored out of my mind... etc. etc. Even though I saw the possible shortcomings of the week, I stayed relatively calm. I still find it shocking that I did not have a breakdown while I was at the hospital. I think the reason is God. While the little girl inside of me was scared, the big girl with God on her side was brave.
We all have a scared little girl in us (yes, even guys, metaphorically of course, they would have little boys but you get the jist). One of the best parts of being a human is that we are able to be scared and courageous at the same time. When we are scared, yet courageous, we are brave. God doesn't need bravery, because he is never scared. I'm learning that it is okay to be scared. God understands that we are scared and he sympathizes, but God is also just. You have to prove that you are courageous before you can be brave. Don't worry though, because although He won't solve your problems for you, He will be with you every step of the way. God was with me in the hospital, showing me how to be brave in the face of some scary stuff. Through every dose of DHE, He was there. In every friend and family I saw, He was there. He was even there in my nurses and doctors, whether they believed in Him or not. You cannot see Him or hear Him, but you can feel Him. I can guarantee you, He is there.
"Be strong and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the LORD."
Psalm 31:24
Love always,
Sierra
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Seeing the Truth
So the mid-November follow up appointment after the shot in the head is the appointment that we started planning the hospital visit. We were told that we would be able to get a spot in the treatment during my Christmas break from school, which we thought would end up being perfect for me. One of the things we did not foresee was just how much the hospital visit would take its toll on me. I had hoped to be admitted the week after Christmas, so I would have one week of cushion before school was back in session. Unfortunately, the only opening was two weeks later, the week that school started. This treatment is not something that can be scheduled according to my preferences, so it was either miss some school or wait until the summer. I was in quite a bit of pain daily, so I opted for the time out of school. Since I was already behind from the first semester, I wanted plenty of time to build up my strength after the hospital as well as time to catch up on some schoolwork. See, I was expecting the treatment to considerably lower my pain fairly quickly. I figured that since the medicine went straight into my bloodstream for an entire week, it would take its effect faster than the other treatments I had tried before. So, with these things in mind, I scheduled a month out of school with independent study. I was confident that by the end of that month, I would not only be caught up on school, but be back to a state in which I could go to school nearly every day, ideally for the rest of the school year.
So far I have listed my expectations. One of the things I am constantly learning and relearning is that my expectations will never be exceeded unless they are realistic. I had blind positivity about the hospital treatment. I was not afraid of being in a hospital because I want to work in one one day. I was not afraid of the treatment because... well I don't know why that part did not frighten me. Looking back, I realize that I was not afraid because God told me not to be. I also realize that while my expectations were unrealistic, I was prepared in every other way for the exhaustion that came after the treatment. I had the perfect amount of independent study time, wonderful teachers who basically told me that everything I was behind on from the first semester would be excused, endless prayers from family, friends, acquaintances, friends of friends, and support from my entire family. All in all, I was prepared for the hospital visit. God also came through with the timing of the treatment because, fairly last minute, a spot opened up for me for the week before my scheduled visit. I ended up being admitted for the week before school was back in session, which made all the difference in the world. Some of you may be wondering how merely a week could make a difference when I had a month of independent study. Well, in my school district, the maximum allowed days of independent study is 20 days. I was in the hospital for five days. If I had been admitted the week that school started up, I would have only had fifteen school days to recover from the treatment. So, the week's difference gave me a full month to recover rather than three weeks.
When looking back, I see God's work in all aspects of the treatment. While I was physically and mentally going through the planning, treatment, and recovery, I had a hard time seeing God's hand... All I could see was the pain, exhaustion, anger, disappointment, frustration, and difficulty of the whole ordeal. While I wish I could have realized what God was doing to help me in those moments, I also realize that I am human, God's child, and that He did not need me to see the work He was doing. God does not need us to thank him for what He does for us, just as your parents do not need us to thank them for loving us. I am currently a counselor at my church's Vacation Bible School, and one of the activities has a speaker who refers to God as our "daddy." While I realize that she is using the word "daddy" to make it more understandable for the children, it is also opening my eyes to see how God truly is our Daddy. Not everybody has a good human daddy. Personally, I adore my daddy, because he constantly supports and loves me, just as God does. So why do I not call God my daddy? Only because it never occurred to me before. Now that it has, I urge others to see God as their daddy. Whether you have a wonderful or awful human daddy, you also have the perfect daddy in God. For those of you who do not have a good daddy, God is a daddy that will hold you when you are sad, give you advice on boys, listen to you rant about random things, talk to you daily, etc... our Daddy is always there for us.
I have not read all of The Message (basically a translation of the Bible that tells the same exact stories by changing it from its formal, old fashioned tone to a current, casual tone), but I came across this excerpt that I will share tonight in lieu of a verse from the Bible:
“This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!” Romans 8:15-17 (The Message)
Love always,
Sierra
So far I have listed my expectations. One of the things I am constantly learning and relearning is that my expectations will never be exceeded unless they are realistic. I had blind positivity about the hospital treatment. I was not afraid of being in a hospital because I want to work in one one day. I was not afraid of the treatment because... well I don't know why that part did not frighten me. Looking back, I realize that I was not afraid because God told me not to be. I also realize that while my expectations were unrealistic, I was prepared in every other way for the exhaustion that came after the treatment. I had the perfect amount of independent study time, wonderful teachers who basically told me that everything I was behind on from the first semester would be excused, endless prayers from family, friends, acquaintances, friends of friends, and support from my entire family. All in all, I was prepared for the hospital visit. God also came through with the timing of the treatment because, fairly last minute, a spot opened up for me for the week before my scheduled visit. I ended up being admitted for the week before school was back in session, which made all the difference in the world. Some of you may be wondering how merely a week could make a difference when I had a month of independent study. Well, in my school district, the maximum allowed days of independent study is 20 days. I was in the hospital for five days. If I had been admitted the week that school started up, I would have only had fifteen school days to recover from the treatment. So, the week's difference gave me a full month to recover rather than three weeks.
When looking back, I see God's work in all aspects of the treatment. While I was physically and mentally going through the planning, treatment, and recovery, I had a hard time seeing God's hand... All I could see was the pain, exhaustion, anger, disappointment, frustration, and difficulty of the whole ordeal. While I wish I could have realized what God was doing to help me in those moments, I also realize that I am human, God's child, and that He did not need me to see the work He was doing. God does not need us to thank him for what He does for us, just as your parents do not need us to thank them for loving us. I am currently a counselor at my church's Vacation Bible School, and one of the activities has a speaker who refers to God as our "daddy." While I realize that she is using the word "daddy" to make it more understandable for the children, it is also opening my eyes to see how God truly is our Daddy. Not everybody has a good human daddy. Personally, I adore my daddy, because he constantly supports and loves me, just as God does. So why do I not call God my daddy? Only because it never occurred to me before. Now that it has, I urge others to see God as their daddy. Whether you have a wonderful or awful human daddy, you also have the perfect daddy in God. For those of you who do not have a good daddy, God is a daddy that will hold you when you are sad, give you advice on boys, listen to you rant about random things, talk to you daily, etc... our Daddy is always there for us.
I have not read all of The Message (basically a translation of the Bible that tells the same exact stories by changing it from its formal, old fashioned tone to a current, casual tone), but I came across this excerpt that I will share tonight in lieu of a verse from the Bible:
“This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!” Romans 8:15-17 (The Message)
Love always,
Sierra
Monday, June 22, 2015
Learning to Share
Through all of my interactions with medications, I have learned a lot about how my body responds to medicine. Typically, doctors give every patient a "grace period," which is different for every person, so when you are first prescribed the medicine, the doctor gives you an average amount of time to wait to see if the medicine helps. For example, once I got a grace period of 2-4 weeks, other times 1-2 months, even up to 4 or 5 months. I have since learned that when I am given an average grace period, my body waits until the very last second to use up the power of the medicine. So, for the shot, I was told to wait up to 2 months for it to take its effect, if it was to have any effect that is. The shot did not help my pain at all... even after I waited 2 months. So, we moved on to the next phase.
This next phase is a fairly long one so I will only tell part of it tonight. We went back to UCSF for my follow-up appointment after the shot, planning to "put our foot down" to get some real help fast. (This particular follow-up appointment was in mid-November.) This appointment is where we started planning my first planned hospital stay. That day, we learned about a new treatment, one my old neurologist, Dr. C. didn't even know about. The nice thing about going to a teaching/research hospital or clinic is the amount of different trials there are. Luckily, I was treated with a medicine that had already been researched and proven to work in most subjects. That medicine is called "dihydroergotamine," or DHE for short. I was told that the medicine is given to the patient through a kind of IV line, specifically a PICC line, every 8 hours. This happens every day for five days, and the patient is admitted into the hospital for the whole course of the treatment. The medicine is started off given at a rate of one bag per hour and a half, and the rate is decreased if side effects occur. The possible side effects include stiff, cramped legs (fixed by walking around the hospital), nausea, dizziness, headaches (ironic, right?), muscle pain or weakness... All in all, the side effects seemed worth the risk. After deciding to go through with it, the planning began. Planning the treatment ended up being half the battle... which is one of the reasons why this phase is a long one.
So... hospitals are scary, right?? They are scary in every way possible... there is white everywhere, with bright lights, people in boring uniforms, wearing masks, people dying, being born, treated for cancer, treated for a nosebleed, etc. When I was little, I never once dreamed about my senior year including a hospital visit. Not only would I have to endure a trip to the hospital, but I would have to do it while going to high school. As I have shared already, school was already difficult enough for me, without the added stress of a hospital visit. Throughout my whole experience with migraines, I stop, look up at God, and ask him why He is doing this to me. Why won't he lift my burden off my shoulders? Why won't he take my pain away? Why won't he at least make it a little bit better? Well the truth is, he already is doing all of that, every day. From the first day you accept God into your heart, he shares your burdens. You are not a lone ox pulling a plow. You share the yolk with God. He bears your burdens just as much as you do. Now I don't know how many of you know how a yolk works, but a yolk only works as long as both oxen are moving at the same pace, working together. I am very bad about moving at an even pace with God. I try to move faster, and do it on my own; this then creates an uneven yolk, causing even more pain. Clearly none of us are perfect, and so we will all have moments where we try to rush ahead or fall behind God's pace. When you are struggling in any area of your life, stop for a moment and talk to God. Sometimes, you are just going to struggle with life, and God is right next to you through it. Other times, you put unnecessary struggles and pain into your life because you leave God's side. It is amazing how the second you stop to struggle, if you have left God's side, He tells you. But you need to be proactive enough to stop struggling, and listen for God's voice. When I say "God's voice," I do not mean that literally you will hear a booming voice telling you to slow down. God speaks to us in many different ways... whether through others or through your own feelings, He is speaking to you. So stop and listen to God. He will share your burden.
"For my yolk is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:30
Love always,
Sierra
This next phase is a fairly long one so I will only tell part of it tonight. We went back to UCSF for my follow-up appointment after the shot, planning to "put our foot down" to get some real help fast. (This particular follow-up appointment was in mid-November.) This appointment is where we started planning my first planned hospital stay. That day, we learned about a new treatment, one my old neurologist, Dr. C. didn't even know about. The nice thing about going to a teaching/research hospital or clinic is the amount of different trials there are. Luckily, I was treated with a medicine that had already been researched and proven to work in most subjects. That medicine is called "dihydroergotamine," or DHE for short. I was told that the medicine is given to the patient through a kind of IV line, specifically a PICC line, every 8 hours. This happens every day for five days, and the patient is admitted into the hospital for the whole course of the treatment. The medicine is started off given at a rate of one bag per hour and a half, and the rate is decreased if side effects occur. The possible side effects include stiff, cramped legs (fixed by walking around the hospital), nausea, dizziness, headaches (ironic, right?), muscle pain or weakness... All in all, the side effects seemed worth the risk. After deciding to go through with it, the planning began. Planning the treatment ended up being half the battle... which is one of the reasons why this phase is a long one.
So... hospitals are scary, right?? They are scary in every way possible... there is white everywhere, with bright lights, people in boring uniforms, wearing masks, people dying, being born, treated for cancer, treated for a nosebleed, etc. When I was little, I never once dreamed about my senior year including a hospital visit. Not only would I have to endure a trip to the hospital, but I would have to do it while going to high school. As I have shared already, school was already difficult enough for me, without the added stress of a hospital visit. Throughout my whole experience with migraines, I stop, look up at God, and ask him why He is doing this to me. Why won't he lift my burden off my shoulders? Why won't he take my pain away? Why won't he at least make it a little bit better? Well the truth is, he already is doing all of that, every day. From the first day you accept God into your heart, he shares your burdens. You are not a lone ox pulling a plow. You share the yolk with God. He bears your burdens just as much as you do. Now I don't know how many of you know how a yolk works, but a yolk only works as long as both oxen are moving at the same pace, working together. I am very bad about moving at an even pace with God. I try to move faster, and do it on my own; this then creates an uneven yolk, causing even more pain. Clearly none of us are perfect, and so we will all have moments where we try to rush ahead or fall behind God's pace. When you are struggling in any area of your life, stop for a moment and talk to God. Sometimes, you are just going to struggle with life, and God is right next to you through it. Other times, you put unnecessary struggles and pain into your life because you leave God's side. It is amazing how the second you stop to struggle, if you have left God's side, He tells you. But you need to be proactive enough to stop struggling, and listen for God's voice. When I say "God's voice," I do not mean that literally you will hear a booming voice telling you to slow down. God speaks to us in many different ways... whether through others or through your own feelings, He is speaking to you. So stop and listen to God. He will share your burden.
"For my yolk is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:30
Love always,
Sierra
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