Not Again...

"Not again. Not again. Really? Again? The same thing? This is bullcrap." has been running circles in my mind for the past two years, especially in these last few months. I have tried many different medications, and for each trial, I have to wait at least two months to see if it even works. I have gotten used to the pattern... medicine, no work, okay a new one. repeat x infinity (of course an exaggeration but my point is clear). Even though I go through this process every three to six months, I still hope that I will never have to deal with it again. So far, my hope has only lead to disappointment, because I still have searing pain daily. Granted, the searing part of the pain does not last 24/7, but it still happens too often for my taste. On a good day, my pain level (on a scale of 1-10) averages at a 6, with pain spikes reaching an 8. On a bad day, my pain level averages at an 8 and spikes to a 9. On a terrible day, my pain level averages at a 9.5 and spikes at an 11. I don't like using 10's. I feel like if I say my pain is at a level of 10, I am daring my head to hurt more. I am guessing that most of you have seen "The Fault in Our Stars," and I can relate to Hazel's view on the 1-10 pain scale. I am saving my 10. I really really hope that I never ever have to use it, because I know it will not mean that my head hurts. I have encountered all kinds of pain throughout my life... mental, emotional, physical, etc. I would take having a headache every day for the rest of my life over the pain of losing someone I love.
Anyways, the point of all this pain talk is to explain why I am putting myself through another "not again" situation. I am going back into the hospital to get the same treatment, DHE, for my migraines. It sounds crazy to be putting myself through the same treatment again, because it seems like it did not work the first time. However, that is not the case... before the January treatment, my average daily pain level was an 8. Every day, I had a constant pain level of 8. It was quite unbearable, I don't even know how I made it a month like that. After the treatment, my pain level was lowered down to a daily 6. Unfortunately, my stubborn personality is mirrored in my body, because the pain has been slowly creeping back up to a daily 8. I am doing the treatment again to stop that from happening and hopefully to lower my pain to a daily 5. I do not expect to be pain-free, but I do hope that it significantly improves. So, next week, I will be in the hospital again.
The first time I went in the hospital was in January. I went for five days, and over the course of those five days I was given DHE every 8 hours through the PICC line (type of IV). So, every 8 hours my nurse would come in and hang a bag of fluids on my IV stand monitor thing. For the next two hours, I would get the DHE instead of normal saline fluids. Every time I was given DHE, I was also given three medicines to prevent nausea. Basically, I was a walking bag of medicine for the five days I was there. And I am going back, this time for 6 days. The hospital is actually very nice and wonderful at making me feel comfortable. I got to order as much food as I wanted from 7 AM to 8 PM, watched movies, could've played XBOX except I suck at video games so I don't even bother playing, colored, painted, walked around the halls, listened to music... etc. other distractions from the fact that I was in the hospital. Another great thing about my hospital stay was the amount of love I got from my friends and family. I was visited by a few close friends and sent flowers, emails, cards, and other wonderful happy things by many people. God made sure I didn't feel alone. Not only did some people come visit, but I had either my mom or my dad with there with me the whole time. Of course I let them out every so often to get some fresh air and alone time, but I was practically waited on hand and foot while I was there. Anyone who has been in the hospital understands the necessity of people taking care of you. Even though I didn't go under any anesthesia or have to recover from any procedures, it was exhausting. It took at least three hours to finish two hour movies because of the amount of times I had to pause them because someone came in to talk to us or give me medicine or ask me questions.
The first time I went through this treatment, I was unprepared for the aftermath that occurred. For the first two weeks after I was home, I was completely mentally and physically exhausted... even though I basically just laid in bed for a week. This time, my family and I are prepared for my necessary recovery time. One thing I have not prepared myself for is the possibility that this will not work. I could get this treatment done and still see no improvement. I have no idea what I would do if that happened. I like being prepared for the worst, but I don't know how to prepare myself for that. So, I am depending God preparing me. I don't know what is going to happen, but I know that God will help me through. I am still scared, but less so when I think about God's will. His good, pleasing, and perfect will. God knows who I am, my strengths and weaknesses, and He will guide me on this crazy hard path. Believe it or not, God is guiding you too. Even if Jesus is not in your heart, God is still with you. He is your ohana. "Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten." Disney is great at quotes such as this one, and I have found that every single one can be applied to faith as well. We are God's ohana, each and every one of us, from the newborn babies to those on their death bed. Every. Single. Person. 7 billion people. Somehow, God loves us all even though we are humans, therefore imperfect. God does not care about perfection. He cares about what is in your heart, and He will always be there for you on your crazy hard paths as well as your easy ones. He loves you.
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."
Romans 12:2