"When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, He asked him, 'Do you want to get well'"
John 5:6
Love always,
Sierra
Friday, July 10, 2015
Day Five
Finally!!! I'm almost done. I'm getting my second to last DHE infusion right now and I'm happy that it's almost over but not happy that I'm having this. Today was kind of a sucky day... I started off feeling pretty good! Then I started going downhill in the afternoon. Half an hour into my 2:30 PM infusion, I starting having pretty bad nausea. So, I took some Tums and waited another 20 minutes... Then called and asked for some nausea rescue medicine. Somehow my request was lost in communication, so 45 minutes later I still did not have relief from the nausea. When we called to ask what was taking so long, we realized that it had never been ordered. So I got to wait another hour for medicine. In the meantime, I watched supernatural. Usually watching an interesting movie or tv show distracts me well enough for a good enough period of time. Today I was just overwhelmed with different uncomfortable feelings... But later I realized that I was being proactive beyond just supernatural. I used a technique my counselor taught me, called "cut the cord." This technique helps me when my pain is overwhelming and I can't seem to do anything but think about it, complain about it, and cry about it, all three of which make the pain worse. So, "cut the cord" is the method i use when distraction alone isn't enough. What I do is when a thought comes up that sends me down the sad I have migraines road is I acknowledge the thought, determine whether thinking about it will send me in a good or bad direction, then act accordingly. Cut the cord is the action of acknowledging then moving on. Sometimes life seems like it needs a "cut the cord" moment. The moments that you lose hope, just stop thinking about feeling hopeless. Cause the second you stop thinking about it, hope returns. That is because God is waiting for you to stop fighting your battles on your own. He is hope. He is our hope. Our only hope. God's middle name is hope. Losing hope is easy. Getting it back is the hard part... Trust me, I speak from experience. I also happen to know that the second you ask for His support, God is there. Just keep the faith.
Day Four
Okay so I am in the hospital right now but I am having so much fun learning!! Yesterday afternoon, I got to talk to a medical student currently enrolled in her third year at UCSF, and I really got the inside scoop on medical school. I was afraid that med school was going to suck and be all work and no play, but the "all work" part only lasts for the first two years. After that bookwork is done comes the play! In this case, shadowing doctors and doing hands on work with patients as well as researching the field you are interested in. Also, tomorrow I get to learn how to test the cranial nerves, because she is going to come teach me! So all in all, after talking with her, I am not as scared of medical school. Today I also got to talk to a resident here at the hospital to see another point of view on the whole process of becoming a doctor. So I know that to become a doctor, you need 4 years of undergrad, 4 years of medical school, and up to 5 years of residency and possibly fellowship. Until recently, I did not know what each phase of the process looked like. Today I learned that not only do you get to do hands on learning for the past two years of med school, but for your residency, you are an MD. You do not have the authority of a fully certified MD, but you still get to see patients and act like a fully certified doctor. During your residency, you see patients and treat them how you see fit, with the approval of the doctor above you. So basically, you're a doctor without the fancy shmancy certificate saying you're certified. This came as a huge relief. Also, it is completely possible and realistic to need a break between undergrad and med school, so even if I do not come out of undergrad raring to go to med school, I can still become a doctor.
I also learned about the PA, Physician's Assistant, and its increasing prestige in the world of medicine. As a patient, the common view is to see a PA as a lesser version of a doctor because they don't have the "MD" and went through less schooling. Now with the inside scoop from a resident MD, I know that a PA is in no way lesser than a doctor. The difference is that a PA only has two years of post undergrad education, and PA's do not specialize in any way, so they could work in different departments, like Pediatric Neurology, then Oncology, then back to Pediatrics, and so on, or they could continue in one area in particular. PA's technically still have to work beneath a doctor, but they function in the clinic, hospital, home, etc. in the same manner as a doctor.
Now to how my day went today! Well, it was a hospital day made as wonderful as possible because of my amazing support system. My best friend and her mom, who is my mom's best friend, came and spent the day with my mom and I. My friend and I colored, talked, and watched Netflix, as well as playing the weekly hospital round of BINGO, and my mom got to get out of the hospital for a little bit. It is almost harder for moms to be in the hospital, because they have to watch their babies go through things babies should not have to go through. I say "babies" because in a mom's eyes, we never grow up. We are always their babies. Which, I guess is fine, embarrassing, but at the same time comforting. It has been wonderful having my mom with me here in the hospital because moms always make you feel better. Granted, I have felt a lot better yesterday and today rather than Tuesday, but I have still had my tight spots. My head has been up and down and my nausea level is increasing a little bit, but all is being handled as best as is possible. I am exhausted yet again tonight, and very much ready to go home... but only two more days. Well, one and a half... but two more days until I get home, considering it takes almost three hours to get home. Moving on now...
Sorry again if this information bores you, so I do not mind one bit if you just skimmed through my first two paragraphs, but here comes the fun part. We have free will. Yes, God has a plan for us and He knows which paths we are going to choose, but we do not choose those paths because He planned for us to do so. He knows the past, current, and future plans that we choose because He sees our hearts. He knows the obstacles that will come at us as well as the things that will help us, and He knows how we will react based on our character. So, yes, God has planned out what your life will look like. But that is not because He chose for you. That is what free will is. It is what gives us the ability to choose between a doctor and a PA for our future jobs, the choice to go to the hospital or not, the choice to go to parties and have fun or stay home and study, and He does not judge us either way. This is another thing that is comforting to me, because it proves God's love for us. If it hadn't already been proven to you by Jesus' death and resurrection, the Bible, miracles, etc., then God's love can be proven in our right to free will. God willingly gives us our will. We never have to fight him, because He backs us up no matter what choice we make. This is because his love is everlasting and unconditional. It is unfathomable to our human minds just how deep his love is. Don't try to understand it or make it logical, because that isn't the point. I am a total science geek, so like aliens, sure they can exist, but I won't believe that they do until I see lots of hard evidence, but that is just not how God works. A relationship with God is built entirely on faith. Faith is believing in something when all the evidence points against it. It is a gut instinct that some people try to bury because it is illogical. I don't know about you, but sometimes I do not trust my gut instinct, so I end up making a different decision, ultimately a wrong one. For some reason, I continue not trusting my gut instinct even though it has proven to be reliable for the most part. I do the same thing with God sometimes, I try to understand it and make it logical, but then I stop myself and remind myself that it wouldn't be faith if I could understand it. Faith is one thing you cannot force upon other people. So, I do not want to force faith in God onto you, but I do ask that you take a moment to understand that faith in God defies all logic and human understanding, and that is what makes it so darn amazing.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1
Love always,
Sierra
I also learned about the PA, Physician's Assistant, and its increasing prestige in the world of medicine. As a patient, the common view is to see a PA as a lesser version of a doctor because they don't have the "MD" and went through less schooling. Now with the inside scoop from a resident MD, I know that a PA is in no way lesser than a doctor. The difference is that a PA only has two years of post undergrad education, and PA's do not specialize in any way, so they could work in different departments, like Pediatric Neurology, then Oncology, then back to Pediatrics, and so on, or they could continue in one area in particular. PA's technically still have to work beneath a doctor, but they function in the clinic, hospital, home, etc. in the same manner as a doctor.
Now to how my day went today! Well, it was a hospital day made as wonderful as possible because of my amazing support system. My best friend and her mom, who is my mom's best friend, came and spent the day with my mom and I. My friend and I colored, talked, and watched Netflix, as well as playing the weekly hospital round of BINGO, and my mom got to get out of the hospital for a little bit. It is almost harder for moms to be in the hospital, because they have to watch their babies go through things babies should not have to go through. I say "babies" because in a mom's eyes, we never grow up. We are always their babies. Which, I guess is fine, embarrassing, but at the same time comforting. It has been wonderful having my mom with me here in the hospital because moms always make you feel better. Granted, I have felt a lot better yesterday and today rather than Tuesday, but I have still had my tight spots. My head has been up and down and my nausea level is increasing a little bit, but all is being handled as best as is possible. I am exhausted yet again tonight, and very much ready to go home... but only two more days. Well, one and a half... but two more days until I get home, considering it takes almost three hours to get home. Moving on now...
Sorry again if this information bores you, so I do not mind one bit if you just skimmed through my first two paragraphs, but here comes the fun part. We have free will. Yes, God has a plan for us and He knows which paths we are going to choose, but we do not choose those paths because He planned for us to do so. He knows the past, current, and future plans that we choose because He sees our hearts. He knows the obstacles that will come at us as well as the things that will help us, and He knows how we will react based on our character. So, yes, God has planned out what your life will look like. But that is not because He chose for you. That is what free will is. It is what gives us the ability to choose between a doctor and a PA for our future jobs, the choice to go to the hospital or not, the choice to go to parties and have fun or stay home and study, and He does not judge us either way. This is another thing that is comforting to me, because it proves God's love for us. If it hadn't already been proven to you by Jesus' death and resurrection, the Bible, miracles, etc., then God's love can be proven in our right to free will. God willingly gives us our will. We never have to fight him, because He backs us up no matter what choice we make. This is because his love is everlasting and unconditional. It is unfathomable to our human minds just how deep his love is. Don't try to understand it or make it logical, because that isn't the point. I am a total science geek, so like aliens, sure they can exist, but I won't believe that they do until I see lots of hard evidence, but that is just not how God works. A relationship with God is built entirely on faith. Faith is believing in something when all the evidence points against it. It is a gut instinct that some people try to bury because it is illogical. I don't know about you, but sometimes I do not trust my gut instinct, so I end up making a different decision, ultimately a wrong one. For some reason, I continue not trusting my gut instinct even though it has proven to be reliable for the most part. I do the same thing with God sometimes, I try to understand it and make it logical, but then I stop myself and remind myself that it wouldn't be faith if I could understand it. Faith is one thing you cannot force upon other people. So, I do not want to force faith in God onto you, but I do ask that you take a moment to understand that faith in God defies all logic and human understanding, and that is what makes it so darn amazing.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1
Love always,
Sierra
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Day Three... Sorta
I clearly have gotten a bit behind in posting, but I am going to play the "hospital card" because I was exhausted last night. Being in the hospital is just plain exhausting. Even though I just lay in a bed all day, I am constantly doing something. I feel like I have talked about this before, but I am too tired to remember... which is ironic. But anyways, I am always busy. I wake up, order breakfast, and my nurse comes in to give me my morning medicine. I am usually fed, awake, and alert by 10:00, at which point my mom and I go for a walk around the hospital. We like going just around my floor exploring and watching the hospital robots move all on their own, stand on the glass floor (well I stand on it and my mom stands on the floor below it) and wave to each other, walk around the outside garden, explore another floor, and/or other activities such as these. I walk really slowly because I am tired and a little weak, so we walk for about 15-20 minutes total, not getting far and not doing much. It's nice to spice it up a bit with a new place to walk to, but we only do one at a time. There are activities going on around the Pediatrics department like the media room, art therapy, music therapy, the teen lounge, etc. but not many of them interest me enough for me to spend my energy on. Yesterday, my mom and I had company on our morning walk, because my grandparents came for a while, morning to early afternoon. It was really nice for my mom and I to have some more company. After our walk, we chatted, then I got tired, so we watched Frozen! My grandma had never seen it, so that along with my love for it made it the perfect movie to watch! They also got to stay for lunch and experience the surprisingly yummy hospital food, and then we chatted some more, and they left so I could get a massage. Unfortunately, the massage lady and I had a misunderstanding so she didn't show up when I was expecting her, and while I was waiting, I took a nap. Even though I didn't fully fall asleep, that rest time really helped me get through the rest of the day. I fell asleep as I was waiting for my boyfriend to come, and I slept past the time he got here, but luckily he is sweet and patient and my mom kept him occupied giving him a tour of the floor. I woke up and started pushing the button to raise my bed into a sitting position, and saw him and my mom peek through the window in my door. I guess they had come by a few other times, peeking in when I was asleep... but oh well I needed the nap. So for the rest of the afternoon, I watched movies with him and my mom, went on our usual afternoon walk or two, and had dinner with him. After dinner, we went for a walk just the two of us before he had to leave, and that fifteen minutes was the best part of my week so far. It never ceases to amaze me how just being next to him makes me feel better. Every time I stop and think about that, I thank God for him. I don't know where I would be without him... but I definitely would not be this happy. Somehow, my headaches drew us together, and no matter how life ends up, I am thankful that I have him now.
Now that I have started down this path of thankfulness, I must venture on. Through my headaches, I have met and become close with people who otherwise would never have been as big of a part or even a part of my lives otherwise. This is another way that God makes good out of bad. Like I've said before, I don't think God chooses to give certain people bad things. Satan gives bad to everybody, and God uses His power to only allow the amount of suffering that you can handle. When people hear about my migraines, I often get the response of "wow that all sucks but to have to be dealing with it at 17... that's just worse." I don't really agree with that though, because God has a plan for me. I have big goals. All of the data from all the other girls who have started getting migraines around the same age I did, when they get past the puberty stage into early 20's, the migraines die down and become much more manageable. So, with my big goals in mind, and also thinking of the big picture of my life, now is the best time for me to have a headache every day. God gave me the courage, passion, drive, all the qualities I needed to succeed in high school, because I have succeeded. I am going to my college. The college I want to go to. All because God has blessed me with the personality to make it through this time as well as the support system I need to compliment my personality. I am forever grateful for those who have prayed for me, are praying for me, and will continue praying for me. People I don't even know personally are praying for me, and I find that amazing. The only reason I have so many people praying for me is because of my immediate support system. My church is wonderful, in the members as well as the symbol. MCC (Our church name) = Mission. Christ. Community. All three of which I need, all three of which I have. I have the mission to someday become a doctor and impact peoples lives in the same way my doctors have in mine. I have Christ in my heart, my family, my world. Last and definitely not least, I have community. I have community in my family, who all pray for me, and ask their friends to pray for me as well. I have community in my friends, who have neverending support, love, and patience for me. I even have community in this hospital. God has handpicked each and every nurse that has been here for me, and every single one of them has been fabulous. Yes, I am currently in the hospital with a tube in my arm giving me medicine that makes me feel icky, but it is only temporary. Good things will come. Never forget that. Good things will always come.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Sierra
Now that I have started down this path of thankfulness, I must venture on. Through my headaches, I have met and become close with people who otherwise would never have been as big of a part or even a part of my lives otherwise. This is another way that God makes good out of bad. Like I've said before, I don't think God chooses to give certain people bad things. Satan gives bad to everybody, and God uses His power to only allow the amount of suffering that you can handle. When people hear about my migraines, I often get the response of "wow that all sucks but to have to be dealing with it at 17... that's just worse." I don't really agree with that though, because God has a plan for me. I have big goals. All of the data from all the other girls who have started getting migraines around the same age I did, when they get past the puberty stage into early 20's, the migraines die down and become much more manageable. So, with my big goals in mind, and also thinking of the big picture of my life, now is the best time for me to have a headache every day. God gave me the courage, passion, drive, all the qualities I needed to succeed in high school, because I have succeeded. I am going to my college. The college I want to go to. All because God has blessed me with the personality to make it through this time as well as the support system I need to compliment my personality. I am forever grateful for those who have prayed for me, are praying for me, and will continue praying for me. People I don't even know personally are praying for me, and I find that amazing. The only reason I have so many people praying for me is because of my immediate support system. My church is wonderful, in the members as well as the symbol. MCC (Our church name) = Mission. Christ. Community. All three of which I need, all three of which I have. I have the mission to someday become a doctor and impact peoples lives in the same way my doctors have in mine. I have Christ in my heart, my family, my world. Last and definitely not least, I have community. I have community in my family, who all pray for me, and ask their friends to pray for me as well. I have community in my friends, who have neverending support, love, and patience for me. I even have community in this hospital. God has handpicked each and every nurse that has been here for me, and every single one of them has been fabulous. Yes, I am currently in the hospital with a tube in my arm giving me medicine that makes me feel icky, but it is only temporary. Good things will come. Never forget that. Good things will always come.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
Love always,
Sierra
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Day Two
So today was not as easy as yesterday... it all started last night. At 10:30 PM I got another dose of DHE, and at about midnight my chest started to feel uncomfortable, like there was a big weight pressing on my chest. I called my nurse in, and she checked my vitals, all of which were normal, then messaged the doctor on staff for the night. The doctor told her to pause the DHE until she came up to assess me, so it was paused for about 20 minutes. In that 20 minutes, my chest started to feel better, so the doctors agreed that the pressure and pain I felt was just my body having a completely healthy reaction to the DHE. They also said that the uncomfortable feeling should go away as my body gets more and more used to the DHE, which so far has been the case. While I have had some slight pressure during my two infusions so far today, it has not come near to the level it was at last night. Today I have also had a bit more trouble with the nausea. I have figured out that my stomach gets upset during the infusion and lasts for about half an hour afterwards as well. So, I took some tums and it is better now, so far at least...
Mostly though, my problem was with my head. It is ironic, but the DHE infusions can also induce a headache, or in my case, worsen a headache. Since my headaches are bad all on their own, today my pain level has been at a consistent 8, reaching a 9 multiple times. I could have taken medicine for it, but I did not want to. I don't like the feeling that the medicine gives me... I get woozy, weak, my head feels fuzzy, and I sleep for hours. I did not want to give in today in case tomorrow is even worse. One of the tricks with getting the best possible outcome from the treatment is taking care of me in the meantime. Even though I am used to just dealing with the nausea or pain, I should treat either or both in order for the DHE to work its magic properly. So, with that in mind, we are going to assess my headaches tomorrow and if they still are not better, I will be treated with the sleepy medicine. I am praying that it gets better tomorrow though, and I appreciate your prayers as well.
Sorry for all the technical sounding stuff if you don't find it interesting... Personally, I find it all fascinating! So fair warning, here comes a lesson type explanation of DHE, what it does and how it helps. One of the side effects is leg cramps, and it happens because of what the DHE does to my body. The DHE works for migraines because it constricts your blood vessels. Part of what causes migraines is the overload of nerve activity, which comes hand in hand with the blood pumping incorrectly. I'm not sure exactly how the blood vessels in my brain are working incorrectly, but I am guessing that it is because my blood vessels are overactive and that the blood pumps too quickly all throughout my brain. So, DHE constricts my blood vessels, guiding the blood to pump more regularly, therefore decreasing the nerve endings, then decreasing the pain. While it is amazing that it works so well to fix the blood vessels in my head, the rest of the blood vessels in my body are working perfectly 24/7. Unfortunately, the only way for me to get the infusion is for the DHE to pass all the way through my body, flowing from the PICC line into my heart, then down to my feet and hands and up to the tippy top of my head. When blood vessels constrict, blood clots become more likely. A blood clot is a small area in a blood vessel in which the blood starts to coagulate, kind of like when you get a cut and the blood dries on top of your skin, keeping any more blood from seeping out. Blood vessels are supposed to be able to move blood all around your body without any sort of hindrance, so blood clots are potentially very dangerous. Because of this, I take certain precautions. I move my arms even when I am sitting down watching a movie, to get a drink of water, color, text, etc., but I move my legs hardly at all when I am sitting down. Since my arms are moving often enough, the blood keeps flowing normally. If I just sat on my butt and watched movies all day, my leg muscles and blood vessels could cramp up so much that blood clots could form. It is still possible for me to get blood clots whether I go for walks or not, but it is much less likely for them to form if I go for a walk a few times a day. I don't have a lot of energy, so typically I just walk around my floor, go down the elevator to the garden, or explore another floor. I have not been on a walk longer than fifteen minutes at a time and probably will not be up to more than that much until a few weeks after I get home.
I am sharing this information because I have wonderful friends and family out there who want to know how I am doing. I am also sharing for anybody who might someday need a DHE treatment, be interested in neurology, or are just nerds like yours truly. I cannot explain any further why I am sharing, because I truly don't know any reasons beyond those. The only other reason I have is that God is telling me to share my story. I pray that He will be able to use my suffering to help others, whether they have a similar burden or not.
"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth."
2 Timothy 2:15
Love always,
Sierra
Mostly though, my problem was with my head. It is ironic, but the DHE infusions can also induce a headache, or in my case, worsen a headache. Since my headaches are bad all on their own, today my pain level has been at a consistent 8, reaching a 9 multiple times. I could have taken medicine for it, but I did not want to. I don't like the feeling that the medicine gives me... I get woozy, weak, my head feels fuzzy, and I sleep for hours. I did not want to give in today in case tomorrow is even worse. One of the tricks with getting the best possible outcome from the treatment is taking care of me in the meantime. Even though I am used to just dealing with the nausea or pain, I should treat either or both in order for the DHE to work its magic properly. So, with that in mind, we are going to assess my headaches tomorrow and if they still are not better, I will be treated with the sleepy medicine. I am praying that it gets better tomorrow though, and I appreciate your prayers as well.
Sorry for all the technical sounding stuff if you don't find it interesting... Personally, I find it all fascinating! So fair warning, here comes a lesson type explanation of DHE, what it does and how it helps. One of the side effects is leg cramps, and it happens because of what the DHE does to my body. The DHE works for migraines because it constricts your blood vessels. Part of what causes migraines is the overload of nerve activity, which comes hand in hand with the blood pumping incorrectly. I'm not sure exactly how the blood vessels in my brain are working incorrectly, but I am guessing that it is because my blood vessels are overactive and that the blood pumps too quickly all throughout my brain. So, DHE constricts my blood vessels, guiding the blood to pump more regularly, therefore decreasing the nerve endings, then decreasing the pain. While it is amazing that it works so well to fix the blood vessels in my head, the rest of the blood vessels in my body are working perfectly 24/7. Unfortunately, the only way for me to get the infusion is for the DHE to pass all the way through my body, flowing from the PICC line into my heart, then down to my feet and hands and up to the tippy top of my head. When blood vessels constrict, blood clots become more likely. A blood clot is a small area in a blood vessel in which the blood starts to coagulate, kind of like when you get a cut and the blood dries on top of your skin, keeping any more blood from seeping out. Blood vessels are supposed to be able to move blood all around your body without any sort of hindrance, so blood clots are potentially very dangerous. Because of this, I take certain precautions. I move my arms even when I am sitting down watching a movie, to get a drink of water, color, text, etc., but I move my legs hardly at all when I am sitting down. Since my arms are moving often enough, the blood keeps flowing normally. If I just sat on my butt and watched movies all day, my leg muscles and blood vessels could cramp up so much that blood clots could form. It is still possible for me to get blood clots whether I go for walks or not, but it is much less likely for them to form if I go for a walk a few times a day. I don't have a lot of energy, so typically I just walk around my floor, go down the elevator to the garden, or explore another floor. I have not been on a walk longer than fifteen minutes at a time and probably will not be up to more than that much until a few weeks after I get home.
I am sharing this information because I have wonderful friends and family out there who want to know how I am doing. I am also sharing for anybody who might someday need a DHE treatment, be interested in neurology, or are just nerds like yours truly. I cannot explain any further why I am sharing, because I truly don't know any reasons beyond those. The only other reason I have is that God is telling me to share my story. I pray that He will be able to use my suffering to help others, whether they have a similar burden or not.
"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth."
2 Timothy 2:15
Love always,
Sierra
Monday, July 6, 2015
Day One
Well, I have officially started my treatment! One round of DHE is done and over with, and bearable as well. So far, not too much nausea, nothing I can't handle ;). The PICC line was seamlessly inserted by the same doctor who gave me my picc line last time! (we'll call her Dr. Picc) She remembered me, which I find amazing. Each of her work days is full of many different children, yet she still remembered me, from 6 months ago. She was my first glimpse of God in this hospital. It only took about 15 minutes to get my room assignment and go up to my floor on the elevator, and the first face I see in the halls is Dr. Picc. She saw me and stopped me to say oh hi! I remember you! I put your picc in in January. I'll see you soon!
As I have said in the past, I find the PICC line fascinating. The very first step is cleaning my whole upper left arm with antibacterial fluids and a sterile sponge and putting numbing cream on a small area of my arm. After about half an hour, Dr. Picc came back in to finish the process. The long process was started with her measuring the length from the crook of my elbow to the tip of my shoulder, then from the tip of my shoulder down to just above my sternum on the left side. This length is the length she cut the tube (that goes inside my vein) to be. Then, she looked at the vein with an ultrasound machine to make sure my vein didn't have any problems. I got to see my vein on the ultrasound machine!! It was so cool! Then comes a lot more sterilizing my arm, including using sterile gloves, gowns, towels, coverings, masks, hair nets... Throughout the rest of the process, half of my body was covered in blue sterile cloths, and every single object she used, down to the needle caps, was sterile. There was a hole just big enough to see my arm on the place the picc was going to be inserted. While looking at my vein on the ultrasound, Dr. Picc gave me a shot of lidocaine, all around the vein in my left upper arm. The lidocaine hurt... but not a lot and not for very long. After numbing the area, she poked my arm with a needle, still looking at my vein on the ultrasound. I watched the screen of the ultrasound, and watched as well as felt her poke into my vein with the needle. That also hurt, but just like a small pinch inside my arm. Then, a very thin wire was put into my vein through the needle. The wire is used to guide the tube into my vein, then once the tube is placed correctly, the wire is removed. In order to fit the tube into my arm, she needed to cut my skin a little bit. Before she made the small cut, she put a little more lidocaine in my arm. I honestly did not feel her cut my skin, which means the lidocaine did its job well. After the cut, the tube fit into my arm. Dr. Picc asked me to turn my head to the left and look down. I did this to help her guide the tube down the right pathway of veins. The proper placing of the tube is up through my shoulder then down near my heart. Sometimes, the tube takes a wrong turn and goes up into the neck. This is not a problem until fluids and medicines are introduced, so after the tube was all the way in my arm, Dr. Picc used the ultrasound again to look at the vein in my neck and make sure the tube wasn't up there. Mine wasn't, so she finished the process by putting the IV connections in place and taping everything in place. Just to make sure the tube was in the right spot in my chest, I got a chest X-Ray. Everything was set up and ready, IV fluids included, by 1:00.
Considering we woke up at 5:15 this morning, rode in the car for almost 3 hours, and have been busy in the hospital all day, my mom and I are exhausted. We continue seeing God in people, places, and even the technology that we have come in contact with. So far, my mom and I have met two tech guys, one of whom was from Ireland and the other had a similar accent, that we chatted with. Both of my nurses are smiley, chatty, and very kind. I have seen a few doctors who came around to introduce themselves and ask if I needed anything. I also had my first doctors rounds today. Every day around the same time, this week 3:00 PM, my neurologist enters my room with a trail of ducklings watching her every move. I am at a UC hospital, which means it is a teaching hospital, so there are lots of residents along with the doctors throughout the hospital. A team of about seven people will come by my room every day to see how I am doing. Today was more of a "hello" than anything, since I had only just started DHE when they came. Tomorrow, they will ask me questions about how my nausea, headache, leg cramps, etc. have been doing and what medicines I take to manage them. My neurologist mentioned to the group that I am going to UC Davis and when I told them I am majoring in Human Development, their faces all lit up with excitement for me. That is a very reassuring sign. My neurologist even commented that she hopes someday I will be back in this hospital working with her in Pediatrics.. another moment of God.
Now, I am going to relax, watch Supernatural, and drink my vanilla malt. I will get one more dosage of DHE tonight, at 10:30, then I am planning on going to bed. I really appreciate all of your prayers, support, and love.
“For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” Matthew 25:35-40
Love always,
Sierra
As I have said in the past, I find the PICC line fascinating. The very first step is cleaning my whole upper left arm with antibacterial fluids and a sterile sponge and putting numbing cream on a small area of my arm. After about half an hour, Dr. Picc came back in to finish the process. The long process was started with her measuring the length from the crook of my elbow to the tip of my shoulder, then from the tip of my shoulder down to just above my sternum on the left side. This length is the length she cut the tube (that goes inside my vein) to be. Then, she looked at the vein with an ultrasound machine to make sure my vein didn't have any problems. I got to see my vein on the ultrasound machine!! It was so cool! Then comes a lot more sterilizing my arm, including using sterile gloves, gowns, towels, coverings, masks, hair nets... Throughout the rest of the process, half of my body was covered in blue sterile cloths, and every single object she used, down to the needle caps, was sterile. There was a hole just big enough to see my arm on the place the picc was going to be inserted. While looking at my vein on the ultrasound, Dr. Picc gave me a shot of lidocaine, all around the vein in my left upper arm. The lidocaine hurt... but not a lot and not for very long. After numbing the area, she poked my arm with a needle, still looking at my vein on the ultrasound. I watched the screen of the ultrasound, and watched as well as felt her poke into my vein with the needle. That also hurt, but just like a small pinch inside my arm. Then, a very thin wire was put into my vein through the needle. The wire is used to guide the tube into my vein, then once the tube is placed correctly, the wire is removed. In order to fit the tube into my arm, she needed to cut my skin a little bit. Before she made the small cut, she put a little more lidocaine in my arm. I honestly did not feel her cut my skin, which means the lidocaine did its job well. After the cut, the tube fit into my arm. Dr. Picc asked me to turn my head to the left and look down. I did this to help her guide the tube down the right pathway of veins. The proper placing of the tube is up through my shoulder then down near my heart. Sometimes, the tube takes a wrong turn and goes up into the neck. This is not a problem until fluids and medicines are introduced, so after the tube was all the way in my arm, Dr. Picc used the ultrasound again to look at the vein in my neck and make sure the tube wasn't up there. Mine wasn't, so she finished the process by putting the IV connections in place and taping everything in place. Just to make sure the tube was in the right spot in my chest, I got a chest X-Ray. Everything was set up and ready, IV fluids included, by 1:00.
Considering we woke up at 5:15 this morning, rode in the car for almost 3 hours, and have been busy in the hospital all day, my mom and I are exhausted. We continue seeing God in people, places, and even the technology that we have come in contact with. So far, my mom and I have met two tech guys, one of whom was from Ireland and the other had a similar accent, that we chatted with. Both of my nurses are smiley, chatty, and very kind. I have seen a few doctors who came around to introduce themselves and ask if I needed anything. I also had my first doctors rounds today. Every day around the same time, this week 3:00 PM, my neurologist enters my room with a trail of ducklings watching her every move. I am at a UC hospital, which means it is a teaching hospital, so there are lots of residents along with the doctors throughout the hospital. A team of about seven people will come by my room every day to see how I am doing. Today was more of a "hello" than anything, since I had only just started DHE when they came. Tomorrow, they will ask me questions about how my nausea, headache, leg cramps, etc. have been doing and what medicines I take to manage them. My neurologist mentioned to the group that I am going to UC Davis and when I told them I am majoring in Human Development, their faces all lit up with excitement for me. That is a very reassuring sign. My neurologist even commented that she hopes someday I will be back in this hospital working with her in Pediatrics.. another moment of God.
Now, I am going to relax, watch Supernatural, and drink my vanilla malt. I will get one more dosage of DHE tonight, at 10:30, then I am planning on going to bed. I really appreciate all of your prayers, support, and love.
“For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” Matthew 25:35-40
Love always,
Sierra
Sunday, July 5, 2015
All to Jesus, I Surrender
As the time between me and the treatment decreases, the more panicked I expect myself to be. I expected myself to be worrying about the side effects, nervous, forgetting things, restless... but I am calm. Somehow, I am at peace with the coming treatment. Today at church, I had a wonderful moment with God. The moment I saw the lyrics on the screen and heard the familiar chords to "Our God Saves" by Paul Baloche, I felt God's hands on my shoulders. "Lord, we come. We're gathered together to lift up Your name. To call on our Savior, to fall on Your grace." Worship is a time to do just that. You and your church family comes together and opens their arms for God's presence.
Feeling God's presence is the most wonderful, powerful feeling in the world. When I think of the power of God's presence, I think of one moment in particular in which I felt God's embrace so strongly that I started crying tears of joy. The summer between my 8th and 9th grade years, I went on a five day trip to a youth conference, "CHIC," with my youth group. It was one of the best weeks of my life. We flew out to Tennessee and I shared a room with my best friend. We heard from lots of amazing speakers and learned a lot about God, ourselves, and faith in the rest of the world. One of the nights, Chris Tomlin was the headlining music performer. This conference was at a Texas university, and about 40,000 people were there in the stadium, every single one of them singing their heart out praising God. On this same night, the speaker gave an opportunity for everybody to ask God into their heart. That night was my favorite night. After the speaker prayed with those who wanted to accept God into their heart, she asked those people to stand so we all could celebrate and congratulate them. This time, when asked to stand, over half of the stadium stood, showing their newfound faith in Jesus Christ. I have heard a lot of these benediction prayers, and every time I pray along, asking God to bless these people and help keep them on His path to righteousness. After this moment, Chris Tomlin came back on stage to sing a song, the perfect song for that night. He sang "White Flag." For those of you who have not heard this song, you need to. That song continues to change my life today. It alludes to battle, when one side surrenders and raises a white flag. Life is a battle. I forget that life is not supposed to be easy. It is supposed to suck at times, because it reminds us that we do not belong here on Earth forever. That night, I raised my white flag to Christ. They also handed out handkerchief-sized white flags to every person who wanted one, and as we sang the song, I saw thousands of white flags raised to Christ Jesus. I tear up just thinking about the power I felt in that moment. Not only was I raising my white flag to surrender to God, but I was surrendering with my friends, people I love, and thousands of other strangers. It continues to remind me that I am not alone even here on Earth, that I am surrendering with my comrades of life.
Today during worship, I surrendered my battle to God. I surrender. I am done fighting myself tooth and nail to push through the pain and keep living my life. I am ready for this week to wipe my slate clean. The first time I was in the hospital, I did not want to share it with anybody besides close friends and family. I was embarrassed. Now, I am confessing it not only to God, but to the world, that I cannot do this alone. Every treatment, every hand that cares for me, is touched by God. Not only does God bless it, but each and every person who prays for me blesses my treatment. I am INCREDIBLY blessed. It feels strange saying this on the eve of a weeklong hospital stay, but it is true. I am blessed. You are blessed. I have learned that blessings only make a difference if you accept them. Do not wait as long as I did before you accept others' blessings on you. Prayer is a powerful and necessary part of your lives, whether you realize it or not. Somewhere, someone is praying for you. You may not even know the person, but you are still blessed by their prayers. I pray for each and every one of you, that you will accept God's blessing.
"Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to."
Deuteronomy 15:10
Love always,
Sierra
Feeling God's presence is the most wonderful, powerful feeling in the world. When I think of the power of God's presence, I think of one moment in particular in which I felt God's embrace so strongly that I started crying tears of joy. The summer between my 8th and 9th grade years, I went on a five day trip to a youth conference, "CHIC," with my youth group. It was one of the best weeks of my life. We flew out to Tennessee and I shared a room with my best friend. We heard from lots of amazing speakers and learned a lot about God, ourselves, and faith in the rest of the world. One of the nights, Chris Tomlin was the headlining music performer. This conference was at a Texas university, and about 40,000 people were there in the stadium, every single one of them singing their heart out praising God. On this same night, the speaker gave an opportunity for everybody to ask God into their heart. That night was my favorite night. After the speaker prayed with those who wanted to accept God into their heart, she asked those people to stand so we all could celebrate and congratulate them. This time, when asked to stand, over half of the stadium stood, showing their newfound faith in Jesus Christ. I have heard a lot of these benediction prayers, and every time I pray along, asking God to bless these people and help keep them on His path to righteousness. After this moment, Chris Tomlin came back on stage to sing a song, the perfect song for that night. He sang "White Flag." For those of you who have not heard this song, you need to. That song continues to change my life today. It alludes to battle, when one side surrenders and raises a white flag. Life is a battle. I forget that life is not supposed to be easy. It is supposed to suck at times, because it reminds us that we do not belong here on Earth forever. That night, I raised my white flag to Christ. They also handed out handkerchief-sized white flags to every person who wanted one, and as we sang the song, I saw thousands of white flags raised to Christ Jesus. I tear up just thinking about the power I felt in that moment. Not only was I raising my white flag to surrender to God, but I was surrendering with my friends, people I love, and thousands of other strangers. It continues to remind me that I am not alone even here on Earth, that I am surrendering with my comrades of life.
Today during worship, I surrendered my battle to God. I surrender. I am done fighting myself tooth and nail to push through the pain and keep living my life. I am ready for this week to wipe my slate clean. The first time I was in the hospital, I did not want to share it with anybody besides close friends and family. I was embarrassed. Now, I am confessing it not only to God, but to the world, that I cannot do this alone. Every treatment, every hand that cares for me, is touched by God. Not only does God bless it, but each and every person who prays for me blesses my treatment. I am INCREDIBLY blessed. It feels strange saying this on the eve of a weeklong hospital stay, but it is true. I am blessed. You are blessed. I have learned that blessings only make a difference if you accept them. Do not wait as long as I did before you accept others' blessings on you. Prayer is a powerful and necessary part of your lives, whether you realize it or not. Somewhere, someone is praying for you. You may not even know the person, but you are still blessed by their prayers. I pray for each and every one of you, that you will accept God's blessing.
"Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to."
Deuteronomy 15:10
Love always,
Sierra
Friday, July 3, 2015
The Past Five Months
I had to do that title for this post because it reminds me of the movie The Last Five Years, and although it has nothing in common with my life, I could not resist alluding to it. Anna Kendrick is amazing. Jeremy Jordan is amazing. Both of them together in a Broadway show makes genius! I wish I could have sung songs that I made up on the spot about the past, because that would be freaking awesome!! Unfortunately, I can't sing and I am not creative in that way, hence this blog. Every time I hear a song that I love, I have the urge to sing to it... Since I am not a good singer I don't have the confidence to sing, and usually the urge to sing arrives when I am in public and it would be weird to start singing...
How does this relate to my headaches you may ask? I have been very impatient these last five months. All I wanted was for school to be over, for the pain to end... I gripe and whine way too much. Like "the boy who cried wolf," my excessive griping puts everything in my life at the same level of importance, not to God, but to myself. I am not a whiner in an outward way, but I whine all the time inside my head. I forget that I am not the only one who knows what I am thinking... that God hears my every word, every thought, sees every action or inaction... and He judges your character based on all of it. I don't mean judges in the worldly way, like judging people for their outward appearance, but in a faithful way. God is not trivial when it comes to our faith, so He will not hold your mistakes against you. I use this as an excuse to do things I shouldn't, like complain about being too lazy to get up and get myself my own cup of water from the kitchen. I whine about walking twenty feet to get ice and fresh clean water. Many places in the world, they walk over a mile to get water, and their water isn't even clean. I whine about my headaches in a similar way.
I know people personally who went through many more trials than I have ever been to and rarely complained. My uncle was one of those people... He had cancer three times and I never saw him without a smile on his face, even if he was confined to a hospital bed. I do not have his strength, but if I am stuck with migraines every day for the rest of my life, I will need his strength. I will need His strength. God's strength is the strongest thing in the universe. Yes I know that is redundant: "His strength is strong." But there is no other way to explain it... Every single aspect of God is strong. His love, His support, His mercy, His power, His embrace, His healing hand, His guidance... etc. Even though at times I lose my strength, God is there to back me up. This did not happen by accident... I asked God for help. I don't always remember in the tough moments to pray, but I have God in my heart, so even when I don't ask him to be there, He is there for me anyways. God is the perfect friend. The strongest friend you will ever find. Just like with our human friends, a friendship must give and take from both sides. If you continue with your faith in God, He will continue supporting you. Even if you walk away, God waits patiently for you to return to Him.
When you are going through a rough patch in life, it is easy to forget the things you do have. The past five months, I did not take enough time to give thanks. I was often reminded by friends or family how blessed I am, but when I am in a lot of pain it is hard for me to thank God. While Thanksgiving only comes once a year, thanksgiving should happen every day. I have a large wonderful family, amazing friends, food every day, a roof over my head, God's love, support from my church, prayers from people I don't even know... Take time to thank God for what you have, not for what you don't, and He will appreciate it. The typical point of view on God's actions is that once you repent/give thanks/ask for help, God takes away your burdens. Well, this is blackmail, and God does not blackmail... God gives you your burdens for the perfect amount of time. We are his masterpiece. Like sculpting, you start with a large, ugly, heavy block of stone. God shapes us with lots of time and work chipping away our worldly selves, leaving us with our holy selves. When a sculpture is done, it is put on display, to be appreciated by all. God displays us in heaven, but only if we let Him shape us. A sculpture cannot carve itself, and we cannot become holy alone. Life is rough, but Heaven is worth it. God is worth it. Never forget that.
"For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
Love always,
Sierra
How does this relate to my headaches you may ask? I have been very impatient these last five months. All I wanted was for school to be over, for the pain to end... I gripe and whine way too much. Like "the boy who cried wolf," my excessive griping puts everything in my life at the same level of importance, not to God, but to myself. I am not a whiner in an outward way, but I whine all the time inside my head. I forget that I am not the only one who knows what I am thinking... that God hears my every word, every thought, sees every action or inaction... and He judges your character based on all of it. I don't mean judges in the worldly way, like judging people for their outward appearance, but in a faithful way. God is not trivial when it comes to our faith, so He will not hold your mistakes against you. I use this as an excuse to do things I shouldn't, like complain about being too lazy to get up and get myself my own cup of water from the kitchen. I whine about walking twenty feet to get ice and fresh clean water. Many places in the world, they walk over a mile to get water, and their water isn't even clean. I whine about my headaches in a similar way.
I know people personally who went through many more trials than I have ever been to and rarely complained. My uncle was one of those people... He had cancer three times and I never saw him without a smile on his face, even if he was confined to a hospital bed. I do not have his strength, but if I am stuck with migraines every day for the rest of my life, I will need his strength. I will need His strength. God's strength is the strongest thing in the universe. Yes I know that is redundant: "His strength is strong." But there is no other way to explain it... Every single aspect of God is strong. His love, His support, His mercy, His power, His embrace, His healing hand, His guidance... etc. Even though at times I lose my strength, God is there to back me up. This did not happen by accident... I asked God for help. I don't always remember in the tough moments to pray, but I have God in my heart, so even when I don't ask him to be there, He is there for me anyways. God is the perfect friend. The strongest friend you will ever find. Just like with our human friends, a friendship must give and take from both sides. If you continue with your faith in God, He will continue supporting you. Even if you walk away, God waits patiently for you to return to Him.
When you are going through a rough patch in life, it is easy to forget the things you do have. The past five months, I did not take enough time to give thanks. I was often reminded by friends or family how blessed I am, but when I am in a lot of pain it is hard for me to thank God. While Thanksgiving only comes once a year, thanksgiving should happen every day. I have a large wonderful family, amazing friends, food every day, a roof over my head, God's love, support from my church, prayers from people I don't even know... Take time to thank God for what you have, not for what you don't, and He will appreciate it. The typical point of view on God's actions is that once you repent/give thanks/ask for help, God takes away your burdens. Well, this is blackmail, and God does not blackmail... God gives you your burdens for the perfect amount of time. We are his masterpiece. Like sculpting, you start with a large, ugly, heavy block of stone. God shapes us with lots of time and work chipping away our worldly selves, leaving us with our holy selves. When a sculpture is done, it is put on display, to be appreciated by all. God displays us in heaven, but only if we let Him shape us. A sculpture cannot carve itself, and we cannot become holy alone. Life is rough, but Heaven is worth it. God is worth it. Never forget that.
"For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
Love always,
Sierra
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